not-so-new year's resolutions

it's weird how the past couple schoolyears have seemed to have themes.  last year was about discipline.  this year was more about prioritization.  i'm still working on both, but i think i might actually be making progress (maybe).  i think my values have changed even since last summer.  even since last semester.  maybe even in the past couple weeks, which is kind of exciting.  but it would be a lot easier to get past my shortfalls if other people would.  i guess that's the point of discipline.  or balance between the two (practical discipline and still keeping my values in line).  at least i've recovered some motivation though, which is excellent.  :)

anyway... some things i'm going to try to do better:

• don't hate things (or even people) just because i don't understand them
• don't expect things to be laid out for me
• take advantage of opportunities (i've noticed that about a lot of society, including me... a person could have all the right resources handed to them to reach their goals, and a lot of times they still won't do anything about it.)
• avoid talking to strangers (even people my age), if at all possible
• learn how to Love people without 
• expecting anything back
• withdrawing when not supported
• evoking any unwanted emotions
• learn how to set boundaries as a leader, and enforce them kindly but firmly
• don't make excuses... EVER
• learn how to function just as efficiently under stress, sadness, or rage (believe it or not... most people can't tell it's there though, when it's really bad.)
• do things in order of importance as much as possible
• work with what i can't change rather than complaining about it
• learn to differentiate between need for rest and laziness
• change things about myself rather than just hating them, because then i hate those same things all the more in other people

pseudapathy

ugh... i wish i could care.


oh, who am i kidding?  if i was really that indifferent to these matterless affairs, there would be no problem.


ugh... i wish i could not care.

wind and waves

that's the second time this week that i've heard the Holy Spirit compared to the wind, and the Christian life compared to a sailboat.  i'm pretty sure they were collaborating on that message though, but still.

[if you're reading this and you have no idea what i'm talking about, the gist is that if you accept Christ, it is like stepping into a sailboat, in which you will only be tossed randomly by the tides (the world) unless you open your sails (willingness) and let the wind (the Holy Spirit) constantly fill them and move you with it (Him).  it's actually a pretty decent analogy.]

at first i was wondering if maybe my "sail" was broken.  or if it had a hole in it or something.  but i think maybe i just had [have?] it tangled, or not quite tied down correctly.  this is getting confusing, so i'll stop there.

but the sermon this morning was not just saying "let the Holy Spirit fill your life," but it actually went into how you let that happen, and even making sure you want to (being willing to let go of your own will and ideas and stuff...).  after all, people aren't born sailors!  they must be trained.

thank you to all who stop your sailboats and teach me, an unseasoned amateur, how to work my sails.

~ ~ ~

random thought:  i wonder if you could think of the Christian life as a class, where you ideally study daily, meet with your teacher[s] once or twice (or more) a week, and take multiple pop quizzes every day.  ?????  maybe?  maybe not?   lol.  imagine this scenario:

"hey, how many AP classes are you taking next year?  i'm doing five."

"oooh, i'm only taking one."

"oh, really? [disappointed]  which one?"

"AP Christian Life."

"wow. [changed expression-- :/ ] that's pretty ambitious--i heard it's really tough.  are you sure that one will be worth giving up and figuring out all that?"

"oh yeah. [ :) ]"

observation and analysis :)

just kidding.  well, sort of.  we're not going back to any science classes or anything at this point.

but kind of recently i've noticed a few different things about my attitudes toward people whom i know/relate and trust (both on a personal level):

• i tend to be more sensitive to their needs/struggles without extra effort
• i more readily accept what they say or think, even if my trust in specifically what they're saying is unfounded.
• if i make a conscious effort to understand them, i start to take on certain qualities of theirs (more than normal, i mean).

one thing i've also noticed about myself:

• if i'm motivated to do something, i will make every effort to do it well, but if i'm not really interested in it, it's very difficult for me to become motivated to do it well (or at all).  challenging.  i suppose that's normal?

this too is meaningless

like sand, these hours blow away, lost, with no more proof of their existence.  i wish my mind would stop contradicting itself in everything; in everything, second-guessing itself.  it's not total apathy, for that leaves no room for any passions.  where am i?  my own overthinking has spun me around until all i can decipher is my inability to stand.

like a broken record, these words fall off my lethargic, unmoving lips, but what have i to back them up?  have my time and insufficient efforts proven fruitless after all?  it seems as though tending this fire has all but burned away my heat sensors, while my shivering body reasons that it's still there.  it warms me sometimes, but could it just be sunlight or summer heat?  maybe i just need a different angle, so the smoke won't get in my eyes.

"You perceive my thoughts from afar."  i'm sure glad that One of us can.