subtlety

i've said this before, but for me, it's the littlest things that make the biggest difference.

more and more and more i am realizing the value i see in subtlety, and that i have always been this way.  it takes very little for me to get the point of something (usually).

things like facial expressions, tones of voice, and minor actions have a big impact on me.  even more than that, i think that those little things oftentimes tell more than words or very intentional actions do, because they speak of a person's automatic reactions.  that explains why people have sometimes made my day just with their smile.

jokes are kind of the same way.  some of the funniest people to me are the people who say funny things either slightly under their breath or things that only some people would get.  the sorts of things that you really have to be paying attention to catch.  but when you do catch it, it's more special.

love--who?

"Jesus said to love your neighbor/enemy.  but He didn't say you have to like them."

= a Christian's favorite thing to say.  the universal cop-out.

i used to agree with this idea wholeheartedly, but lately i've been thinking about the ways in which people interact, and i'm not so sure i do anymore.  in fact, i'm starting to challenge the idea that there's even a distinction between loving and liking at all.

what if someone came up to you and said:
"i love you in Christ.  and i'm here for you if you ever need anything."
and then they never called you, texted you, emailed you, or made any real effort to further their relationship with you in any way?  and furthermore, what if they evaded your questions if you asked them about their life/issues/struggles?

or say they did the opposite of all that, but only because they felt that they had to.  is that still love?

if you're reading this and wondering if i'm talking about you, don't worry--you're probably fine.  i mean, if you have done this, then by all means, be affected by it.  but i actually bring this up because i'm really, really guilty of doing this exact thing, and it's horrible.

i think sometimes we tend to view Christianity as an obligation to other people, and even though we say we've given God our hearts/lives/all/[honestly, pick your cliche], we still look at some situations and only want to fulfill the bare minimum requirement in order to say we "love" people.  the thing is... ooh, i hate to say this, but... it kind of is an obligation? but if we look at it as an obligation, it probably means our hearts are in the wrong place.  and so you're stuck with that dilemma of either doing the right thing for the wrong reason, or not doing the right thing at all.

example: "i can't stand you, but i'm supposed to love you, so i will pretend like i actually like you, and then if you really do need something, i'll lend a hand.  but please don't need anything."

vs.

"i can't stand you. leave me alone."

on the one hand, you're sacrificing integrity.  but on the other hand, you're sacrificing God's command.  it might not seem like such a big dilemma if you don't have a problem telling people exactly what you think of them, or if you don't mind being a hypocrite.  what i mean is, i would not care to have a friend who offered their friendship (even with good intentions), but would not actually have chosen me as a friend normally.

so the question: what do you do if you find yourself wanting (or having) to love someone when you don't actually like them very much?

ooh... what to do...... if only you could actually change your heart about the matter, then it wouldn't be so bad...

wait.  there actually is something about that that could happen.  i believe that's actually an integral part of what God does--change people's hearts about things.  if they let Him.  but, you know, that could require giving up your good image, or your social status, or your personal comfort.  God wouldn't want that, right?  personal sacrifice?  it would be so much easier just to put on a happy face for a little while.

as humans, we have ideas of what is good and right, but pretty much all we can manage ourselves are cheap imitations, even if we mean well.  but God?  He can actually change things in us.  in fact, isn't that a major part of what prayer is?  opening up to God's change?

huh.

i don't even know.

i wrote most of this a couple days ago, then added to it yesterday and today.

~ ~ ~

do you know what i hate?  being very upset, and having almost no idea why.  and no, it's not "that time of month," i'm not "just overstressed" or "just needing to go get some sleep."  if it were any of those things, i would not be ranting here, because i try to be very careful about not overreacting in public.  i mean, that's almost certainly what i'm doing now, but only because i don't know what else to do about it.  i have absolutely nothing to complain about, but i feel like such a poo.  i ate dinner with my easily-exciteable and always cheerful friend, and then left her to do her homework afterwards, telling her i was going to go be an introvert for a while.  apparently that now means wandering around campus, crying, moping, and singing "Riga Girls" and "Nobody Knows Me At All" to myself.  what the crap is wrong with me???  i'm trying to avoid being self-centered.

triggers:
- seeing this same friend hug another mutual friend (whom i wish i knew better) and listening to them talk about the required extra work for a scholarship they both received
- seeing the mutual friend go off with a boy she often hangs out with (whom several of us have suspicions about)
- passing by people on campus going somewhere or doing something--older people whom i have a strong desire to know better (that one was mixed with a small amount of hope and disappointment)
- passing by a small group harmonizing "Beautiful Things" (that one was like sharp, like a stab, or at least like a splinter--it actually made me inhale sharply as i passed.)
- (earlier) passing by the room where the string quartet rehearsed (so much wist)

thoughts:
- sometimes i withdraw when i feel lonely because i would rather be lonely by myself than with a bunch of people who don't understand me.
- it seems like everyone has someone, whether it's a best friend, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a sibling, a roommate...


it's not that i don't have friends.  i've been there before, and this isn't it.  it's strange though, because the ones who really know me, whom i really know, i barely see anymore.  most likely anyone reading this is in that category.  then there is the vast majority of people here, who are super friendly and nice and peppy and Christiany.  they're really cool to know, but sometimes i'm looking for something specific, and whatever it is i'm looking for is not there.  i apologize if you are one of those people; i love you very very much, but sometimes my poo-y mind needs more poo-y sympathizers (see Prov. 25:20), or sometimes i'm looking for someone with a common interest (in music, for example).  then there are a few people, most of them older (naturally), whom i wish i knew.  like, a lot.  but i don't want to be that annoying freshman.  i don't know if that would be the case, or if that's still a thing in college, but i don't even want to come close.  also, it's hard for me to just pursue relationships like that, just because of the way my personality is--it seems too unnaturally forged or contrived.  and when people already have strong bonds formed, it's hard to break in.  and now i officially sound like i am eight years old.  fitting somehow.

there must be some valuable telltale information in here somewhere.  i'm so tired, i don't even possess the emotional energy to seek it out.  and lately, i feel as bipolar as Schubert's String Quintet in C (if you don't feel like listening to an hour of chamber music, you can really just take my word for it).  probably there are multiple somethings combining, even if they might seem small.

this whole post is not even coherent.  sorry for taking your time.

~ ~ ~

i didn't post this the other night because i still wasn't convinced that i wasn't overreacting.  but after thinking a bit yesterday, and especially after talking with Rachel, i think that my emotional sensitivity is might be heightened because of my grandma passing.  so this makes more sense.  a little.  sort of.  if i were to chart my emotions, they would look like a freaking sine graph, but i'll allow myself some grace for overreacting to things.

long-term investment

i just had it recommended to me that i drop whatever high school friendships i've been trying to keep up and start over.  problems:

• it takes me so so so so long to develop those friendships--just to abandon them as soon as i don't see people on a daily basis anymore?  it's not like i keep in touch with all of those people still, but some of them i genuinely miss.  and facebook, whatever benefits it has, is no way to sustain a friendship. period.
• this is the thing i dreaded most about leaving high school.  and the thing i struggled with most while i was there.  it's not just the roles people play in my life that matter.  it's the people themselves.
• is this going to happen with college too?  "well, i don't see them anymore... it's ok, i'll just make some new friends."  what's even the point?  will this awful cycle ever stop??? how can i explain the importance to me that friendships don't break? i know sometimes they must, or the thing that sustained them ceases to exist, but come on!  this is the reason i haven't dated up to this point.  are relationships of such casual importance that we can just discard them and pick up somewhere else?

in general, i don't do casual relationships very well.  i mean, i have them, but if i'm going to invest in something, i want to make it last, not just drop it as soon as it's inconvenient.  it's not just some kind of cheap product from China.  and the more i've invested, the more my heart breaks when/if the friendship falls apart.  this is so important!!!! how can i communicate this?

how i really feel about college

a lot of people have been asking me lately how college is going.  that can potentially have quite a long answer, so i usually just say that i really like it, or something along those lines.  but if you want the full answer, here it is:

i love living here.  i love the beautiful campus.  i love my teachers.  i love my classmates.  i love my classes (well... mostly).  i love the many many opportunities to learn things i love learning about--things that are directly applicable to my own life.  for the most part, i have never been so unencumbered to just go for whatever it is that i want to learn or do.  and since i love learning and doing lots of different things, this is fantastic.  when it comes down to it, i'm really only limited by my own energy and time (which are real limits for sure, but they can be navigated to an extent).

also, i'm loving having all these music-education-related experiences that keep getting kind of served to me on a silver platter (or dumped in my lap, either way) without my having to work and search for them.  the fact that i'm even going here with this major was not exactly plan a, but it just kind of worked out that way.  i blame God for this--it seems like His type of scheme. :)

i suspect that i may never have a time in my life when i won't have multiple things going on, because there are so many things i want to learn and experience.  the difference here is that most of the things i'm involved with now have to do with school in some way, whereas before, i had commitments to multiple different things and people on a daily basis.  before it was very like a collage of different things; now it's more like a puzzle of pieces that pretty much fit together.  it's nice to have so much cohesion--the down side is that the things that aren't pieces of this puzzle fit much less neatly than they did before (things like old friendships, church commitments, family, etc.).  it's all a balance, of course.

one more thing i've noticed is how many people i'm finding i really want to know on a personal level (a sensation that isn't always common for me--not for so many people).  there are just so many unique and interesting individuals i interact with every day here.  it's a little sad because i still only have a limited amount of time and energy, and i know that the likelihood of getting to know all (or even most) of these people is not very high.  it's like Thanksgiving, when you eat just a little of everything, and you want more of everything but you're already stuffed.  and sometimes that social time needs to be spent with people whom i already know well (and who already know me well) instead of growing new friendships, just because i miss them.  but it's still exciting to be around so many people i legitimately enjoy and look up to.

anyway.  that's the majority of it.

intimacy

[sheesh.  it's about dang time i put something up, after leaving that embarrassing cliff-hanger up there for so long.  anyway, as promised...]

this is likely not what you're thinking.  just hear me out.

anyone may feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, as i'm only one person, but this seems to be, if not the greatest desire, at least one of the greatest desires of everyone's heart.  it is ingrained in us from birth, and lack of it, or the breaking of it, is what causes the most painful experiences.  our view of this defines our views and motivations on friends, family, dating, sex, religion, or even just daily activities.  essentially, our experiences with (and consequent views of) intimacy shape our very core.


i have some examples of this that sort of show what i mean:

1.  a few months ago, i had a dream.  one of my friends from music was sitting next to me on my couch as i chatted on gmail with another friend across the country.  (i don't know why i was doing this, but it seemed perfectly normal and sensible at the time.)  i think they knew each other (they did in the dream anyway).  suddenly, my friend who was sitting next to me asked me if he could read the other chats i had had with the other friend, for the purpose of getting to understand me better through them.  i was so tickled that i let him.  at this point, i woke up.  i had trouble getting back to sleep because i was so giddy about having him care that much (kind of like the moment you find out that one of your friends has been blog-stalking you).

2.  tonight i faced one of my fears.  for my music theory class, we have to record ourselves singing solfege out of a book.  although this is not particularly difficult for me (and i'm starting to dread it less), it is something i generally hate to do while i'm around others, because i'm ridiculously self-conscious when i sing.  i want to be good at it, but i haven't spent enough time developing that skill to sound as good as i want, and my lack of confidence only worsens the problem.
for whatever reason (probably a desire to spend more time getting to know people, or maybe even just an excuse not to spend the evening in my dorm room), i agreed to work on my solfege recording with a few classmates tonight.  when it was my turn to record, the same thing happened that almost always happens when i make an effort to sing well in front of people: that is, my stomach started doing somersaults, my throat went all dry, my lungs shrank to about 1/16 their normal capacity, and my voice came out shaky and faint.  this was pretty obvious to everyone, and my voice was barely audible on the recording, so my classmates refused to let me go on.  they played hymns on the piano and forced me to sing louder than the playing.  when i couldn't, they came alongside me and sang the other parts of the hymn harmonies.  i almost cried because i was so overwhelmed--trying to recover from nervousness while simultaneously touched by their determination to help me get through it.  being that vulnerable sucked, but knowing that it didn't matter was well worth it.

3.  i remember one night when i was a junior in high school.  i had had some unpleasant experiences between friends and family, and chose to keep it quiet, to say nothing of the situation to anyone.  i did not want to face their misunderstanding or their lightness or their judgment.  this was my own problem, and eventually i would just get over it.  but eventually i couldn't stand it anymore.  it was breaking me down from the inside out ("tearing me apart, Lisa!").  so i told two of my most trusted friends, on whom i could count to understand what i was saying.  it was one of the hardest things i've ever done.  i felt bare, naked.  my own guilt, those things that had hurt me so badly, all the things i had been afraid to let anyone see, all out on the table.  but my healing did not start until then.


i think that almost everyone, if not everyone, has a past, or secrets, or things about them that they perhaps would rather people not know--things that are hidden.  sometimes they're even just small things, like personality quirks (like the sorts of things i have hypothetical conversations with other people about).  yet these things do not passively stay locked away in an internal prison cell.  they long to get out, to be set free.  they long to be found out by someone who wants badly enough to know them, who will not disdain or condemn them.  i speak (er... write) from only one perspective, but i think that we all want to be known like that, completely, with all our strengths and flaws, all our personality, all our past, all our vulnerability.  complete openness.  but we're just too afraid that those we let in might not like what they see, that somehow we won't measure up to everyone else's standards.

prologue

i have a confession to make:  i talk to myself... like, all the time.  (it's not that embarrassing, because i think a lot of people do this too.  but whether they do or not, it's not something i intend to stop any time soon, so whatever.)

sometimes i have hypothetical conversations with other people.  usually it involves me giving detailed explanations to made-up questions that i secretly wish these other people would ask me (especially personal questions about myself or my views on things).

ohh, i can't wait to feast on all this delectable food for thought...

*segue into next post*

it's not that complicated

have you ever felt a longing to know someone?  or have you ever missed the way a person used to be?  or longed for a relationship with the person they had potential to be?

i'm starting to understand God's heart better.  not that He doesn't love the way we are, but when we chase after other things, He craves the part of us that isn't His.

from the time we're born, we're told "Jesus loves you," and "He died for your sins," and other cliches.  but don't you realize that all He ever wanted was a relationship with you??? He longs for us!  intimacy---that's what He created us for, so that we could choose Him for an intimacy that nothing else will satisfy.  the thing is, even that won't satisfy us if we're not actively pursuing it---this is not something we can go about casually or without intentionality. 

plate-tonic

i'm just going to drop all objections for a moment and imagine: what would happen if i went to all of my guy friends and said this?:

"hi Friend. i wanted to let you know that i really value my friendship with you, and i would hate for anything to ever make it uncomfortable or strained, especially if it was something we could've prevented.  in a relationship like ours, it's easy for people's intentions to become unclear.  so i want to tell you that i currently have no romantic feelings or intentions for you.  i say this not because you're not a great guy (because you are), but for the sake of the peace of mind of both of us."

you (Reader, or anyone else) might balk at the idea of this kind of directness. or you might say, "well, duh. everyone should be doing this."  i immediately spot some challenges with this, such as the fact that the other person might already be harboring some romantic ideas of some kind, and something like this would probably cause the opposite of the intended effect.  the other thing is that if either person ever developed those kind of feelings, they might not feel free around the other, with this kind of understanding established.  they would have to be just as direct as before, and say that something had changed.  perhaps that would actually be healthy.  it would definitely be much less comfortable.

the real trick would be if i could say "...but if these things ever change, i will tell you," and mean it.

but there's something about this scenario that really appeals to me.  because then nobody would have to worry about walking on eggshells around the other person's romantic feelings.  it would be a nonissue (ideally).  no guessing games.  both people would be totally free to be themselves.  it would be more like a brother-sister relationship than anything.  the place where it could get the stickiest would be if either person at any point was not sure how they viewed the other.  but if the two people agreed to keep their feelings ("i think i might have romantic feelings for them") and intentions ("we should start dating") separate during that, then it maybe wouldn't be such a big deal.

that reminds me: i think there should be a term for a male and female set of friends with a non-romantic understanding hanging out.  something other than a "date," because that implies the very thing i'm trying to avoid misunderstandings about.  hmm... any ideas? hehe... a plate, maybe?

feels so good

i've been getting introverted syndrome with my blog.  meaning, i've been wanting to write more, but i haven't had much that's new to say.  or when i have had thoughts, they've gotten stuck somewhere in the articulation between my head and my fingers.  but i think this is easing up, so i hope to be writing here more.  :)  reunited!

here's an unattached, undeveloped thought to start out:  if/when i get married, i hope that we never run out of things to say.

"oh, you're one of those people"

...has got to be one of my most dreaded responses. it's like saying:

"you have that one quality/interest/opinion that's different from mine, so you must be just like all of those other people that i can't stand."

and as much as i'd like to be able to say that i don't care what other people think about me, it's often more of a goal than a reality. which is maybe why i'm sometimes so passive.

battling mist

some people act like they're going through difficult times in order to get attention.  this post is not talking about them.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that support systems like church or friends aren't just there to encourage you when you go through something really hard, but also when the struggle is all in your head.  because people who have genuine struggles don't get them for no reason at all, whether it comes from them, from an outside party, or even from supernatural attacks.  each person has different struggles.  but a true friend is still there, even if the trial seems minor, because at the time, it might be just what the person needs.

that sappy nostalgic coming-of-age post

it's strange.  i've spent the last 13 years working toward a goal, and the last 1  1/2 yearning for it to be over with already.  but now that it finally approaches, i feel hesitant (if you can feel hesitant about something inevitable).

don't get me wrong: i can't wait to get out of high school.  and despite what they say, i can assure you with 98.9% certainty that i will not miss it.  but i will miss a few of the people, and it has only been this year that i've come to realize that.  Jerad suggested (and i think he may be right) that God has perhaps provided these people not only to bless me with some enjoyable relationships at school, but also to help me learn the value of even non-in-depth relationships.  i used to not want those at all, but i'm changing my mind.  can you imagine how overwhelming it would be if all of your friendships were the kind where you discussed deep matters and vulnerabilities?  sometimes i just want someone to have a common interest with (not that there can't be both, or that i can't invest in someone i'm less close to, but in a way it's less weighty, which can be necessary).  if all my friendships were this way, i would go insane, but it's nice to have a balanced variety.

even in my indecision, i am eager and excited for things to come.  but there's still that little part of me that lingers its hold.  well, i still have a couple months to enjoy anyway.

this turned out to be less about nostalgia and more about relationships, which increases its value by quite a bit.  i kind of think this should maybe be two separate posts, but i don't have the time or energy to make that happen, so whatever.

things that do NOT work

• habitually staying up late and getting up early---even to finish work.  my ability to think clearly and focus turns to mud.  also i'm more likely to get upset or stressed out.
• neglecting obligations that i choose to place lower on my list of priorities---it's a choice i sometimes must make, but i don't like it because i have a deep-seated aversion to doing things halfway.
• scheduling out every bit of time in a day---because inevitably, something has to get moved around sometime, or it goes over its allotted time, and then it screws up everything else that day (or week).
• not having everything ready to go the night before---let's face it: i don't think coherently until... 1-2 hours after i wake up, on average.  can't rely on that kind of thinking to decide what i'll need for the day.
• waking up early to get a substantial amount of work done--- ...right.
• working in bed, in front of a tv, with the internet up, or with people around---that's not necessarily all people, but people who are likely to make little comments, for whatever reasons.  my focus is crummy enough already, without extra distractions.  oh, and the internet is sometimes necessary, but usually not.
• setting only one alarm, in an easy place to get to---because i'm a fairly heavy sleeper, so i do things like turn off my alarm without even waking up.
• telling myself when i need to be somewhere---seriously.  then i invariably end up leaving at about the time i should be there already.  much more effective to tell myself when i want to leave, and then when i really need to leave.

i'm also learning that i tend to work best when i am relaxed, which explains my preference for working with music,  without people, and without strict time constraints.

may this help the future me to continue getting better at balancing my overambition with my own limits.

night before morning

unsuspecting, i find myself in the midst of an unfamiliar haze.  as the fog clears, i look for my fears, but they seem to have been misplaced.  in their place is a new world around me, not fulfilled, but oh so promising.  i hoped for this, but i did not expect it this way.  the sun is high in the sky, and everything is bright and new.  it's so surreal, but i dare to believe its truth.  it has its flaws, of course, as any world, but i am content to explore and then overlook them.  i swim up to the sky's peak to taste a bit of cloud, and i harmonize with the birds.  everything seems so simple, so light, so tangible here.  basking in the sun's warmth, in the warmth of my own euphoria, i close my eyes...

when i open them, they smile into the dark.  my security and peace lingers for a few more moments, and the taste of all things sweet spreads over my tongue in remembrance.  i realize that i hear a blaring instead of birdsong, summoning me from my warm bliss.  it promises that every night turns into a new, real morning.