to my oldies, but goodies

DISCLAIMER: this post belongs here.  it just does.  it applies to a few people, but i can't think of a good way of distinguishing you here without being an exclusive jerk.  i know there are people who read this to whom this post does not apply.  please don't read this if you're easily hurt or if it's late at night or if you think you might possibly be the jealous type.  i do not want to step on any toes or undervalue anyone, especially anyone who reads here.  i value you so, so much.  but this is not necessarily to you.

if you've known me for over a year (and you are one of the few who read this stuff), this is you.  there's one other (or possibly two) who doesn't read here, but so be it.

~ ~ ~

i came so close to calling you up this week so that we could hang out tonight.  but, considering the copious amount of work i should already have done, i decided that it would be irresponsible and probably somewhat unwise.  the amount of that work that i've actually completed tonight tells me that i should have just called you anyway.

i miss you so much, in various ways, even though it hasn't even been that long since i saw you last.  i've felt distant from everyone, but especially from those who matter the most to me.  that is you.  you probably don't know this already, though you may think you do.  i've said before that i'm not very expressive.  while i think i've grown quite a lot in that area since i made that comment, i still think that my outward expressions don't do justice to what really goes on.  they don't adequately communicate how much i cherish those times when we have stayed up until early mornings just because we didn't want to leave each others' company, or the times you listened to my fears and sadnesses (or the rare occasion when i maybe shared some of yours), or even when we just listened to (or made) music or ate together.  now i sound extra sentimental.  fantastic.

lately i've been watching videos by these guys named Rhett and Link.  i like a lot of things about the videos, but i think one of my favorite things is that they've been best friends since they were in first grade--that's something like 30 years.  they know basically everything about each other, and even when they moved states as adults, their families moved together.  while i haven't known you my entire life like that (Sean, you're the exception), i admit that this is sort of a dream of mine.  to have so much history, so much understanding, so much frankness, so much time together.  intimate and inseparable.

i realize that i'm idealistic in this sense.  you don't need to school me on that--i get it.  relationships change over time, and sometimes that means their end, for various reasons.  i know that i probably can't depend on you being a huge part of my life forever, or even being there at all forever (again, with Sean, this most likely doesn't apply to you).  much as i'd like to believe i could accept that, i know that if you ever left, it would break my heart in such a way that it would take a long time to recover, even in the best scenario.

of the many points i'm making, here is the pointiest.  you are one of the most significant people in my life.  i am quite an introvert (as you know), but your company is energizing and nourishing rather than exhausting.  you provoke thoughts in me and inspire me to be more myself.  you're the kind of person i know i can trust with just about anything, whom i legitimately get excited about seeing, to whom i long to be of service, whom i miss often, and whom i would long to call a best friend.

i don't know if this feeling is mutual, though i want it to be.  insecurity tells me likely not, and experience tells me not to trust it.  yup, now you know it all--even the ugly, selfish, and needy.  that is, if you didn't before... this whole post kind of reeks of it though.  i keep that stuff hidden deep, so i guess i can accept that it's there.  anyway, i'm acutely aware that this non-mutuality is a strong possibility, and i've mostly accepted it--i've even mostly accepted the ambiguity.  i'd still be willing to take the emotional risk in a heartbeat.  it would be no decision at all, really.  you're worth it, either way.

most of the time i provide myself with good (or at least sufficient) company--company that doesn't drain me.  this is growth for me.  but i'm still not impervious to loneliness, as i now see.

i think that's pretty much all i had to say, so i'll stop before i embarrass myself more.  i say it partly in case you didn't already know, but mostly because tonight i miss you more than i have in a while.  i'm not attempting to draw out attention, affirmation, empathy, comfort, or anything else from you.  i just wanted you to know how much i love and miss you.

qualification mismatch

the more i think about it, the more i realize that the main point of college is not to prepare you for the work force.  not at this stage, anyway.

by the time i get my BA, i will be grossly overqualified (academically) to do whatever i end up doing, and inexperienced in other things which i'll actually need.

if my personality were two separate people...

"ugh, i have so much to do, and so little time to do it, and i need sleep, but i can't sleep because i have work to do, but i can't work because i haven't slept, but i can't change that because i have work, but my brain won't work because i'm stressed about having so much to do......"

"you know what would help?  going on Facebook!"

"you're an idiot."

"well that's rude.  don't call me that.  i'm only idiotic sometimes."

"this is one of those times."

one minute later...

"heeeyyyy..."

"what?"

"let's go see if any of our friends have posted new blog posts lately.  see what's on their minds..."

"NO."

"why not?"

"it is too late in the night for that.  those are never easy reads, nor should they be.  then our mind and feelings will both be working overtime, and then we'll never get anything done.  that is the worst idea you've had yet."

"hm.  good point."

30 seconds later...

"heeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy, uuuuhhhhhh......"

"go away."

"come on!"

"what do you want???"

"let's watch a YouTube video or two to calm our mind a bit."

*sigh*  "fine.  but try to make it quick."

several videos later...

"welp, i'm exhausted.  i think i'd better just get a bit of sleep.  i can finish this tomorrow.  g'night!"

"WAIT!  COME BACK HERE AND BE RESPONSIBLE!!!"

 "make me."  XP

 "ugh.  whatever. "





...i am ridiculous.

in which i gnaw my own foot off

this is one post i was not excited about writing, which is probably why it took me so long to get back to it.  it came to my attention fairly quickly that a post which i wrote about love a couple months ago had some... er... theological challenges in it.  ok, i'll just say it now: i was wrong.  to what degree though, i'm not entirely sure.  i don't completely disagree with everything i said, but i'm just not sure how much of it i still think is true.  who would've thought that such a simple commandment could be made so complicated???


i think part of the problem is that there were multiple issues i was trying to group together.

perhaps i was mistaken in implying that loving and liking are the same thing.  obviously, you probably aren't going to like everyone, and that doesn't absolve you of the responsibility to act lovingly toward them.  and true, acting lovingly toward an enemy is a godly response--love being the lookout for their well-being.  it probably is proven in the most concrete way when you don't have an actual desire for relationship confusing your motivations.  but i think what i meant was more relating to the heart level.

God loves everyone, but He also delights in them as people.  that's not to say that He is always pleased with them, but their identity is separate from that.  so if i am striving to be like God, i should be looking through His eyes--how these people are uniquely equipped, and how i can invest in them and serve them.  in a sense, i love them because i love God, so i [try to] see them as he does.  when you see the good in someone, it is harder to dislike them.  (i think this can apply to anyone, even those who come against you.)

the other issue is more one of friendship.  i did not clarify that, and i'm not even sure whether i should have brought it up at all.  but i already did, so...

the point i meant to make was that in the case of claiming to be someone's friend, loving someone solely because it is the "Christian" thing to do might not actually be the point.  love is (at least partially) based on needs, but in this case, pure friendship is the need itself, so without the "delight in" side of it, it becomes somewhat fake (i think).  but Jesus reached out to the friendless and the outcasts intentionally, and even connected with them intentionally.  those were the majority of the people with whom He associated.

my point, i think, is that this kind of love (or delight, or whatever), is not possible for humans in its purest form.  it just isn't.  love is a decision of how to act, but even more, i think, it's a decision to let God change you.