"Sometimes... Christianity is just a bunch of nerds in a book club."
- T.C. Lewis
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
eden pt. 3: the entropy
full of determination, the young traveler set out in search of the lake. the search did not take long; she found it on the opposite end of its normal clearing. she resolved to visit it every so often, in spite of its absence from its normal position.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
eden pt.2: the shadows
one day when the young traveler returned home again, she immediately
noticed something amiss. although the creatures of the trees and the
ground and the air all seemed to be singing their usual cheery songs,
something in the air betrayed a melancholy heaviness. all at once, she
realized the problem: the lake had receded all the way past its bushy
curtains. its steady murmur was absent from the mix.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
eden
for the sake of storytelling, feel free to ignore the physical inaccuracies. :)
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
~ ~ ~
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
supernatural suspicions
[12/29/14 12:49 pm]
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
i do not care what you think
[12/29/14 2:20 am]
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
getting zoned
[12/16/14 1:49 am]
there's something i would like to clarify, first here, but eventually everywhere.
the friend zone is not a trap (for me).
i'm not bringing this up because i've had an issue with this recently, or because i expect to, but because i would like to have this thought out already in the event that it should. i'm thinking of this now because i'm realizing more and more that people usually spend much more time and energy assuming things than communicating about them, so i need to be really careful not to give anyone inaccurate ideas. especially since friendships with guys often seem more natural to me--there's a lot of room for miscommunication there.
hmm... i'd like to start this differently. sorry if this post ends up just being conglomeration of scattered thoughts.
when i have a crush on a guy (it has happened on occasion, even with people i'm not that close to, but it's mostly irrational), i typically spend quite a while in denial about it, then have a serious mental discussion with myself about it, own up, then try to forget it as quickly as possible. the conversation with myself usually goes something like this:
"ok, what is it you actually want here?"
"mm... not sure exactly."
"romance? boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
"no!!! weird!"
"one-on-one time?"
"even that would be fairly awkward at this point. i think i just want to get to know him better, that's all."
category: platonic friend. (a little different somehow, but still.) problem solved.
now, when a guy has a crush on me, i usually try to ignore it (ok, and deny it too). then when that stops working, i do my best to detach him gently without letting on that i'm doing so. i'm not sure how effective i am at hiding it (probably not very), but oftentimes we become better friends later.
which brings me to my point...
being "just friends" is actually more of a compliment coming from me. it means that there are specific essential things that i value highly about someone, including the ability to hang out without it being weirdly romantic. since at this point, romantic relationships don't match up with my goals or foci in life anyway, it's kind of a moot point, but i would be much more likely to date someone i was already good friends with than someone i had a crush on from a distance.
the "friend zone" is not a relational death sentence. it can be a destination, but it can also be an essential stepping stone.
there's something i would like to clarify, first here, but eventually everywhere.
the friend zone is not a trap (for me).
i'm not bringing this up because i've had an issue with this recently, or because i expect to, but because i would like to have this thought out already in the event that it should. i'm thinking of this now because i'm realizing more and more that people usually spend much more time and energy assuming things than communicating about them, so i need to be really careful not to give anyone inaccurate ideas. especially since friendships with guys often seem more natural to me--there's a lot of room for miscommunication there.
hmm... i'd like to start this differently. sorry if this post ends up just being conglomeration of scattered thoughts.
when i have a crush on a guy (it has happened on occasion, even with people i'm not that close to, but it's mostly irrational), i typically spend quite a while in denial about it, then have a serious mental discussion with myself about it, own up, then try to forget it as quickly as possible. the conversation with myself usually goes something like this:
"ok, what is it you actually want here?"
"mm... not sure exactly."
"romance? boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
"no!!! weird!"
"one-on-one time?"
"even that would be fairly awkward at this point. i think i just want to get to know him better, that's all."
category: platonic friend. (a little different somehow, but still.) problem solved.
now, when a guy has a crush on me, i usually try to ignore it (ok, and deny it too). then when that stops working, i do my best to detach him gently without letting on that i'm doing so. i'm not sure how effective i am at hiding it (probably not very), but oftentimes we become better friends later.
which brings me to my point...
being "just friends" is actually more of a compliment coming from me. it means that there are specific essential things that i value highly about someone, including the ability to hang out without it being weirdly romantic. since at this point, romantic relationships don't match up with my goals or foci in life anyway, it's kind of a moot point, but i would be much more likely to date someone i was already good friends with than someone i had a crush on from a distance.
the "friend zone" is not a relational death sentence. it can be a destination, but it can also be an essential stepping stone.
three of my most unfavorite feelings ever (so far)
[11/3/14 1:44 pm]
- thinking or knowing i've hurt someone
- thinking or knowing i've disappointed someone
- thinking or knowing i'm alone apart from my own choice
i still haven't decided yet which is worse: thinking or knowing.
learning responsibility... again
[11/3/14 1:40 pm]
i'm realizing that somewhere deep inside me, and apart from reason, there's a tie between obligatory preparedness and moral responsibility. i'm not sure if this is good or not. but like if i go to class without my homework done, as an example, i feel like a horrible person and a slacker, even if i had perfectly legitimate (or even Godly) reasons for not doing it.
*sigh* it's probably about balance, as usual.
i'm realizing that somewhere deep inside me, and apart from reason, there's a tie between obligatory preparedness and moral responsibility. i'm not sure if this is good or not. but like if i go to class without my homework done, as an example, i feel like a horrible person and a slacker, even if i had perfectly legitimate (or even Godly) reasons for not doing it.
*sigh* it's probably about balance, as usual.
plastic surgery
[10/25/14 12:02 am]
i look around me at a thousand plastic friendships, filled with pizza and selfies and smothered in makeup that covers a multitude of uniquities. a thousand broken hearts, lonely and isolated and sore from pretending for so long. in an age of American paraphernalia from China and of innuendos and inside jokes formulated to cover over importance and voids and all cares, is anything real at all?
i am sick of pizza. ready for real food.
i look around me at a thousand plastic friendships, filled with pizza and selfies and smothered in makeup that covers a multitude of uniquities. a thousand broken hearts, lonely and isolated and sore from pretending for so long. in an age of American paraphernalia from China and of innuendos and inside jokes formulated to cover over importance and voids and all cares, is anything real at all?
i am sick of pizza. ready for real food.
"Do you think we were all created for a purpose? I'd like to think so."
[10/8/14 1:18]
does God speak through movie quotes? this is the second time recently i've wondered that, so i'm starting to get a suspicion...
apparently some genius sometime decided that by the wizened old age of late adolescence, one should know exactly how one wants to make a living for the rest of one's life, and exactly how one should go about achieving that goal. thus begins this process, and apparently i'm supposed to have any idea what i'm doing.
right.
actually, that's exactly what i have--a handful of ideas. that's about all. the purpose of a career is to support you. BUT at the same time, i can't get excited about going into a field that i feel approximately meh about. and things i'm passionate about--well, i really don't see that i would benefit much from having a degree in them. that is, i might benefit immensely, but my career may or may not.
now as a devoted Christ-follower, i of course want to do what He wants for me. He, being a loving Creator who knows me, often uses desires as a means of direction (i've been discovering this first-hand). to be honest, i don't think i've felt much in the way of direction so far. :/
the challenge a couple Sundays ago was "will you follow after the heart of your King?" but what the heck is the heart of my King???? as it pertains to me, anyway??
"that, Detective, is the right question." (bonus points if you know the movie!)
upon explaining this to Jerad, he says "i think you should go to YWAM. i can't imagine God not providing for you in a decision to devote six months of your life to Him. then that might direct your decision after that." i hadn't even told him i was thinking about this as an option, though he knows me well enough that he probably assumed that anyway. i think i gave him kind of an incredulous look. "at least pray about it." well i will. but . . . is this God's direction??? could it possibly be this clear???
i think i will just see what comes of my feeble framework of plans, and not worry.
does God speak through movie quotes? this is the second time recently i've wondered that, so i'm starting to get a suspicion...
~ ~ ~
apparently some genius sometime decided that by the wizened old age of late adolescence, one should know exactly how one wants to make a living for the rest of one's life, and exactly how one should go about achieving that goal. thus begins this process, and apparently i'm supposed to have any idea what i'm doing.
right.
actually, that's exactly what i have--a handful of ideas. that's about all. the purpose of a career is to support you. BUT at the same time, i can't get excited about going into a field that i feel approximately meh about. and things i'm passionate about--well, i really don't see that i would benefit much from having a degree in them. that is, i might benefit immensely, but my career may or may not.
now as a devoted Christ-follower, i of course want to do what He wants for me. He, being a loving Creator who knows me, often uses desires as a means of direction (i've been discovering this first-hand). to be honest, i don't think i've felt much in the way of direction so far. :/
~ ~ ~
the challenge a couple Sundays ago was "will you follow after the heart of your King?" but what the heck is the heart of my King???? as it pertains to me, anyway??
"that, Detective, is the right question." (bonus points if you know the movie!)
~ ~ ~
upon explaining this to Jerad, he says "i think you should go to YWAM. i can't imagine God not providing for you in a decision to devote six months of your life to Him. then that might direct your decision after that." i hadn't even told him i was thinking about this as an option, though he knows me well enough that he probably assumed that anyway. i think i gave him kind of an incredulous look. "at least pray about it." well i will. but . . . is this God's direction??? could it possibly be this clear???
i think i will just see what comes of my feeble framework of plans, and not worry.
confidence--finally!
[8/2/14 5:54 pm]
the other day, after an encouraging discussion about prayer, i felt something a bit foreign to me: confidence. not just in prayer, but in some of the things i've been wrestling with the most. but i'll start before that.
i've always known God can do anything--whatever He wants. i've always believed that even (pretty much . . . the whole thing with free will still confuses me a bit, as to how those work together). God's ability to answer prayer has never been the question for me.
the question: whether or not He will. not that i question His integrity, but how can i actually be sure that i'm praying for something in His will?
now wait . . . understand the question first, even though it sounds somewhat obvious.
generally, if something is Biblical, that's a pretty good indication that it's something God would want. and yet, lots of things happen all the time that aren't in His will. and even He does things He doesn't want, but out of necessity.
the purpose of everything is to glorify God. wouldn't it glorify God for every person on earth to be changed at a heart level to love Him? or for every lost or abused person in the world to be rescued? or for every broken person to be restored? ideally, but He also uses those horrible things to glorify Him more. even though none of those were His will to begin with. :/
and then there's free will. every single person on the planet making choices every instant, often to do whatever they want. how does God work in that? true, He did know every circumstance even before He set the world in motion. but how much can He work in a person before it jeopardizes their free will? or couldn't He manipulate circumstances to bring every person to submission before Him? or make people's hearts more inclined to choose Him of their own free will?
so in all this, how on earth am i supposed to have even an inkling of what God's will even is, or what would glorify Him the most, let alone if that's what i'm praying for? and if i can't be sure, how can i pray confidently??? double minded fool that i am . . .
obviously i have waaayyy more questions than answers. fun food for thought. but somewhere in there, i think i found the point.
confidence doesn't come from knowing for sure that God will answer a prayer with a "yes! absolutely!" it comes from knowing for sure that God will do what is best, and what will glorify Him. it's not a confidence in our circumstances, it's a confidence in His character. and yes, it's surrendering the things we doubt about the most, in faith that He really does know what He's doing.
the more i [think i?] understand the Bible, the more i realize that it's really not as complicated as it seems.
the other day, after an encouraging discussion about prayer, i felt something a bit foreign to me: confidence. not just in prayer, but in some of the things i've been wrestling with the most. but i'll start before that.
i've always known God can do anything--whatever He wants. i've always believed that even (pretty much . . . the whole thing with free will still confuses me a bit, as to how those work together). God's ability to answer prayer has never been the question for me.
the question: whether or not He will. not that i question His integrity, but how can i actually be sure that i'm praying for something in His will?
now wait . . . understand the question first, even though it sounds somewhat obvious.
generally, if something is Biblical, that's a pretty good indication that it's something God would want. and yet, lots of things happen all the time that aren't in His will. and even He does things He doesn't want, but out of necessity.
the purpose of everything is to glorify God. wouldn't it glorify God for every person on earth to be changed at a heart level to love Him? or for every lost or abused person in the world to be rescued? or for every broken person to be restored? ideally, but He also uses those horrible things to glorify Him more. even though none of those were His will to begin with. :/
and then there's free will. every single person on the planet making choices every instant, often to do whatever they want. how does God work in that? true, He did know every circumstance even before He set the world in motion. but how much can He work in a person before it jeopardizes their free will? or couldn't He manipulate circumstances to bring every person to submission before Him? or make people's hearts more inclined to choose Him of their own free will?
so in all this, how on earth am i supposed to have even an inkling of what God's will even is, or what would glorify Him the most, let alone if that's what i'm praying for? and if i can't be sure, how can i pray confidently??? double minded fool that i am . . .
obviously i have waaayyy more questions than answers. fun food for thought. but somewhere in there, i think i found the point.
confidence doesn't come from knowing for sure that God will answer a prayer with a "yes! absolutely!" it comes from knowing for sure that God will do what is best, and what will glorify Him. it's not a confidence in our circumstances, it's a confidence in His character. and yes, it's surrendering the things we doubt about the most, in faith that He really does know what He's doing.
the more i [think i?] understand the Bible, the more i realize that it's really not as complicated as it seems.
something attractive
[7/27/14 1:10 pm]
although i don't talk about it very often in conversation, it's not unusual for the subject of romantic love/relationships to come up in my thoughts from time to time.
i am not the type of person to crush easily. indeed, i've never been "in love" in any kind of deep or meaningful way (so... not really at all). from time to time i toss around the question of if i would really know a romantic deep love if i experienced it... and considering my welcomeness to cross-gender platonic relationships, i'm not entirely sure i would distinguish it for quite a while. i assume it would involve some kind of physical desire, and maybe a certain kind of jealousy... not quite sure what else. my inexperience makes it so i can only speculate. yet every time (recently) i examine a platonic relationship of mine, i've found little to no trace of any signs of romance at all (on my part, anyway). but i've discovered that these unique friendships have taught me more about romance than i realized.
anyway, most recently, i wanted to get married someday, but for only one reason--that i wouldn't live alone for the rest of my life after college. other than that, romance was about the same in my mind, and about as appealing, as any other relationship. i was hoping other reasons would come eventually. :)
but as my mind wandered yesterday, i found another reason. people in a romantic relationship are expected to do things together, to hang out a lot, to prefer one another, to be together one-on-one, to have some degree of physical closeness. to me none of those things would necessarily have to be unique to romantic relationships (depending on the nature and attitude of them, of course), but many would consider much of that outside of romance to be inappropriate. being in a romantic relationship would give the freedom for those things without concern that someone would be alarmed.
there's something else, too. i love the idea of having someone's arms available, someone's shoulder available if i need it, someone's ears, or just someone's smile and laugh. the idea of getting married and having someone come into my life as a permanent addition, never to leave, who doesn't share my blood, is... very desirable, but also a bit difficult to wrap my head around.
i made a decision a while back not to date yet. i still stand by that wholeheartedly, agreeing even more than i did before. i had some fairly good reasons, but aside from those, and aside from other tensions that would inevitably result from my having a romantic friend at my stage in life, i found another really solid reason. i have several platonic friendships (cross-gender) that are mutually unromantic, intense, and intensely satisfying. and that would (and did) rip me to the core if anything looked like it would put them in jeopardy. platonic. some of those people are even in wonderful romantic relationships.
on one side (kind of like the other post): what would it do to me if i were to enter into a romantic relationship and invest even more into it, only to have it fall apart like so many others of my age group? i take relationships of almost all kind very seriously, but this would certainly reserve a special place that would possibly come close to destroying me if it went sour. too high risk yet.
on the other side: with platonic relationships of that caliber, i could never be satisfied with anything (or anyone) less, on a romantic level. my friends have shown me, unintentionally perhaps, more specific things i'm looking for, that will be essential in a future spouse, and that such people do exist, if they are rare. so i can (and will) afford to be picky. :)
although i don't talk about it very often in conversation, it's not unusual for the subject of romantic love/relationships to come up in my thoughts from time to time.
i am not the type of person to crush easily. indeed, i've never been "in love" in any kind of deep or meaningful way (so... not really at all). from time to time i toss around the question of if i would really know a romantic deep love if i experienced it... and considering my welcomeness to cross-gender platonic relationships, i'm not entirely sure i would distinguish it for quite a while. i assume it would involve some kind of physical desire, and maybe a certain kind of jealousy... not quite sure what else. my inexperience makes it so i can only speculate. yet every time (recently) i examine a platonic relationship of mine, i've found little to no trace of any signs of romance at all (on my part, anyway). but i've discovered that these unique friendships have taught me more about romance than i realized.
anyway, most recently, i wanted to get married someday, but for only one reason--that i wouldn't live alone for the rest of my life after college. other than that, romance was about the same in my mind, and about as appealing, as any other relationship. i was hoping other reasons would come eventually. :)
but as my mind wandered yesterday, i found another reason. people in a romantic relationship are expected to do things together, to hang out a lot, to prefer one another, to be together one-on-one, to have some degree of physical closeness. to me none of those things would necessarily have to be unique to romantic relationships (depending on the nature and attitude of them, of course), but many would consider much of that outside of romance to be inappropriate. being in a romantic relationship would give the freedom for those things without concern that someone would be alarmed.
there's something else, too. i love the idea of having someone's arms available, someone's shoulder available if i need it, someone's ears, or just someone's smile and laugh. the idea of getting married and having someone come into my life as a permanent addition, never to leave, who doesn't share my blood, is... very desirable, but also a bit difficult to wrap my head around.
i made a decision a while back not to date yet. i still stand by that wholeheartedly, agreeing even more than i did before. i had some fairly good reasons, but aside from those, and aside from other tensions that would inevitably result from my having a romantic friend at my stage in life, i found another really solid reason. i have several platonic friendships (cross-gender) that are mutually unromantic, intense, and intensely satisfying. and that would (and did) rip me to the core if anything looked like it would put them in jeopardy. platonic. some of those people are even in wonderful romantic relationships.
on one side (kind of like the other post): what would it do to me if i were to enter into a romantic relationship and invest even more into it, only to have it fall apart like so many others of my age group? i take relationships of almost all kind very seriously, but this would certainly reserve a special place that would possibly come close to destroying me if it went sour. too high risk yet.
on the other side: with platonic relationships of that caliber, i could never be satisfied with anything (or anyone) less, on a romantic level. my friends have shown me, unintentionally perhaps, more specific things i'm looking for, that will be essential in a future spouse, and that such people do exist, if they are rare. so i can (and will) afford to be picky. :)
moment of truth
[7/24/14 11:58 pm]
there's this thing that keeps happening to me, where i'm doing something and someone says,"hey, you show some promise at this. i'm going to put you in charge of a bunch of other people in this area, so you can lead them. you'll get used to it, and you'll be a natural!"
well actually, world, you're wrong. it just so happens that i am not a decisive person, or an outgoing person, or a particularly charismatic person, or even a person who has what one might call "a way with people." in the best of scenarios i'm not good at influencing people or drawing a reaction from them. in most cases, even making normal conversation is kind of a strain. in fact, in most scenarios, i'm pretty good at blending into the background.
all that to say, i would not call myself a natural leader. people are so difficult. even if they're not "being difficult." they're just... hard.
now, i don't really believe in coincidences so much, so the fact that this kind of keeps happening... i don't know. i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
there's this thing that keeps happening to me, where i'm doing something and someone says,"hey, you show some promise at this. i'm going to put you in charge of a bunch of other people in this area, so you can lead them. you'll get used to it, and you'll be a natural!"
well actually, world, you're wrong. it just so happens that i am not a decisive person, or an outgoing person, or a particularly charismatic person, or even a person who has what one might call "a way with people." in the best of scenarios i'm not good at influencing people or drawing a reaction from them. in most cases, even making normal conversation is kind of a strain. in fact, in most scenarios, i'm pretty good at blending into the background.
all that to say, i would not call myself a natural leader. people are so difficult. even if they're not "being difficult." they're just... hard.
now, i don't really believe in coincidences so much, so the fact that this kind of keeps happening... i don't know. i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
life's not fair!
[5/28/14 8:27 pm]
"no, really???"
but seriously, isn't that what we've all always been taught? i mean, everyone's heard that "life's not fair," or even, as my brother says, "if life was fair, we'd all be going to Hell." but see if this sounds familiar:
you reap the consequences of your actions.
yes? this is tricky though, because it's true. every action does have some kind of consequences. and while it's also often true that positive consequences come from wise actions (if wise = morally right), and negative from unwise, it's not the hard and fast rule that people (i, at least) take it for.
ahem...
"It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness . . . that is life."
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard
reworded: just because you do something right does not mean that it won't turn out badly, and just because you do something wrong doesn't mean that you won't get away with it, even benefit from it (in the short term).
this is so obvious, it's ridiculous. even Christ, perfectly loving in every way, was backstabbed at every turn, especially by those who should have been the first to know Him.
i've grown up with this kind of teaching for as long as i've been alive. i don't follow Christ because it's the easy thing, or because it will solve all my problems (right away), or any of the other things that they always tell you at church (that are true).
so why is it that when something goes wrong, i start searching frantically for where the mistake was made?
edit: a few more questions, because no post is complete if it doesn't leave you with more questions than you started with.
how am i supposed to tell the difference between consequences for my poor decisions, a spiritual attack/testing/plan, or just life that happens? or is there even a differentiation to be made? are they perhaps masterfully directed and integrated into each other?
"no, really???"
but seriously, isn't that what we've all always been taught? i mean, everyone's heard that "life's not fair," or even, as my brother says, "if life was fair, we'd all be going to Hell." but see if this sounds familiar:
you reap the consequences of your actions.
yes? this is tricky though, because it's true. every action does have some kind of consequences. and while it's also often true that positive consequences come from wise actions (if wise = morally right), and negative from unwise, it's not the hard and fast rule that people (i, at least) take it for.
ahem...
"It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness . . . that is life."
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard
reworded: just because you do something right does not mean that it won't turn out badly, and just because you do something wrong doesn't mean that you won't get away with it, even benefit from it (in the short term).
this is so obvious, it's ridiculous. even Christ, perfectly loving in every way, was backstabbed at every turn, especially by those who should have been the first to know Him.
i've grown up with this kind of teaching for as long as i've been alive. i don't follow Christ because it's the easy thing, or because it will solve all my problems (right away), or any of the other things that they always tell you at church (that are true).
so why is it that when something goes wrong, i start searching frantically for where the mistake was made?
edit: a few more questions, because no post is complete if it doesn't leave you with more questions than you started with.
how am i supposed to tell the difference between consequences for my poor decisions, a spiritual attack/testing/plan, or just life that happens? or is there even a differentiation to be made? are they perhaps masterfully directed and integrated into each other?
how can you love Love itself?
[12/9/13 12:56 am]
sometimes i am bothered that i cannot have a mutual give-and-take relationship with God. loving someone is doing the best for them, and sacrificing. loving God is doing as he says, because he already knows what is best. sometimes that does involve sacrifice. but it's still annoying.
sometimes i am bothered that i cannot have a mutual give-and-take relationship with God. loving someone is doing the best for them, and sacrificing. loving God is doing as he says, because he already knows what is best. sometimes that does involve sacrifice. but it's still annoying.
the purge (attempt II)
my blog has been missing me.
this time i am prepared to succeed where i failed before. half-hearted apologies in advance for the enormity of reading material. happy new year!
p.s.: i cannot necessarily vouch for the quality of all of these (for some of them, that's why they remained drafts). but it seemed criminal to just delete them all, so here they are.
this time i am prepared to succeed where i failed before. half-hearted apologies in advance for the enormity of reading material. happy new year!
p.s.: i cannot necessarily vouch for the quality of all of these (for some of them, that's why they remained drafts). but it seemed criminal to just delete them all, so here they are.
do hugs...
some philosophies/observations on hugs:
side hug
definition: hug done only with one arm of each party (opposite arms, so the two people's sides come together)
translation: i see that you want to hug me. i do NOT want to hug you back either because that would make me extremely uncomfortable or because i don't feel close enough to you for a full on hug. so instead of flat-out refusing to come anywhere near you, i will simply turn this hug attempt into a side hug to simultaneously save you embarrassment and let you know how awkward this is for me. by the way, please don't ever do this again.
alternate translation: this is too quick and casual for a full hug, so i'll just give you a little (side) hug.
bro hug
definition: hug typically done between men, where one hand shakes and the other arm embraces.
translation: what's up? we're guys, so it feels awkward to give you a full-on hug in public, but this "hug" is ok because our handshake keeps us slightly separated.
hand hug
definition: the coming together of two people's same hands (ex. both people's right hand) with thumbs extending around the other person's hand (most common in male-female platonic relationships).
translation: to give you a full hug would not be a proper greeting here either because it would not be socially acceptable or because we aren't close enough or because it would be too formal. but to still greet you personally and affectionately, i bestow upon you this hand hug.
hug
definition: full embrace, where both parties have both arms wrapped around the other
translation: ANYTHING from "i'm so glad to see you; it's been so long," to "i will miss you," to "i LOVE you," to "i'm here for you" ........... the list goes on, differing in manner and expression...................
i don't normally initiate hugs, but will usually return them. there are, of course, exceptions. if i ever initiate a hug, be aware that it is not something to be taken lightly. not that it necessarily covers over a ton of hidden meaning, but know that it is fairly rare.
side hug
definition: hug done only with one arm of each party (opposite arms, so the two people's sides come together)
translation: i see that you want to hug me. i do NOT want to hug you back either because that would make me extremely uncomfortable or because i don't feel close enough to you for a full on hug. so instead of flat-out refusing to come anywhere near you, i will simply turn this hug attempt into a side hug to simultaneously save you embarrassment and let you know how awkward this is for me. by the way, please don't ever do this again.
alternate translation: this is too quick and casual for a full hug, so i'll just give you a little (side) hug.
bro hug
definition: hug typically done between men, where one hand shakes and the other arm embraces.
translation: what's up? we're guys, so it feels awkward to give you a full-on hug in public, but this "hug" is ok because our handshake keeps us slightly separated.
hand hug
definition: the coming together of two people's same hands (ex. both people's right hand) with thumbs extending around the other person's hand (most common in male-female platonic relationships).
translation: to give you a full hug would not be a proper greeting here either because it would not be socially acceptable or because we aren't close enough or because it would be too formal. but to still greet you personally and affectionately, i bestow upon you this hand hug.
hug
definition: full embrace, where both parties have both arms wrapped around the other
translation: ANYTHING from "i'm so glad to see you; it's been so long," to "i will miss you," to "i LOVE you," to "i'm here for you" ........... the list goes on, differing in manner and expression...................
i don't normally initiate hugs, but will usually return them. there are, of course, exceptions. if i ever initiate a hug, be aware that it is not something to be taken lightly. not that it necessarily covers over a ton of hidden meaning, but know that it is fairly rare.
Monday, December 29, 2014
identity
...is NOT wrapped up in...
- past mistakes or experiences
- other people's opinions
- performance of something
- physical appearance
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
gifts of the magi
so last Christmastime, i heard the Downhere song, "How Many Kings," and this part stood out to me:
Gold for His honor and frankincense for His pleasure
And myrrh for the cross He'll suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?
my train of thought:
gold (ok, know what that is)---honor. like a king.
frankincense (i guess that's like incense)---pleasure. because it's fragrant. ok.
myrrh (???)---for the cross? what the heck is myrrh???
so i went to Wikipedia (my favorite online resource). eventually i looked up the other two, just for fun. because of what i found the first time. because i love symbolism, and because it's so cool and prophetic.
gold---symbolism for divine principles, like the golden ratio or golden rule; for holiness (like the covering of the Mercy Seat of the Ark of the Covenant); for divine authority (medieval kings used to be inaugurated under a golden crown); for great value. gold is the most noble of the noble metals, but it is not chemically inert. it is unaffected by most corrosive substances, so it does not tarnish. it is a pure element, known for its tendency to show scratches. the atomic symbol for gold, Au, derives from the Latin word aurum, meaning "gold" or "shining dawn."
frankincense---resin used in incense and in perfumes. it is tapped from scraggly, hardy trees by slashing the bark, a process called striping. the hardened resins are called tears. some even have a method of rooting themselves into rocks, so deeply that their roots keep them from being ripped out of the rock, even during a storm. frankincense also has some healing properties.
myrrh---the resin of a small, thorny tree species. used as perfume, incense, and medicine. extracted by wounding the tree repeatedly. the word myrrh derives from Arabic and Aramaic words meaning "bitter." it was also used in holy anointing oil.
definitely gifts of high worth for a king. but God, as usual, planned things down to the tiniest detail, even symbolically. how cool is that?
Gold for His honor and frankincense for His pleasure
And myrrh for the cross He'll suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?
my train of thought:
gold (ok, know what that is)---honor. like a king.
frankincense (i guess that's like incense)---pleasure. because it's fragrant. ok.
myrrh (???)---for the cross? what the heck is myrrh???
so i went to Wikipedia (my favorite online resource). eventually i looked up the other two, just for fun. because of what i found the first time. because i love symbolism, and because it's so cool and prophetic.
gold---symbolism for divine principles, like the golden ratio or golden rule; for holiness (like the covering of the Mercy Seat of the Ark of the Covenant); for divine authority (medieval kings used to be inaugurated under a golden crown); for great value. gold is the most noble of the noble metals, but it is not chemically inert. it is unaffected by most corrosive substances, so it does not tarnish. it is a pure element, known for its tendency to show scratches. the atomic symbol for gold, Au, derives from the Latin word aurum, meaning "gold" or "shining dawn."
frankincense---resin used in incense and in perfumes. it is tapped from scraggly, hardy trees by slashing the bark, a process called striping. the hardened resins are called tears. some even have a method of rooting themselves into rocks, so deeply that their roots keep them from being ripped out of the rock, even during a storm. frankincense also has some healing properties.
myrrh---the resin of a small, thorny tree species. used as perfume, incense, and medicine. extracted by wounding the tree repeatedly. the word myrrh derives from Arabic and Aramaic words meaning "bitter." it was also used in holy anointing oil.
definitely gifts of high worth for a king. but God, as usual, planned things down to the tiniest detail, even symbolically. how cool is that?
Saturday, October 25, 2014
the purge
i've done that annoying thing again, where i write posts and just leave them there without publishing them. so going back through them, i've found several that need to be posted. old, yes. unrelated, some of them. but still pieces of a complex puzzle, so here they are (or will be very soon). so, without further ado, the fruits of my procrastination. :)
edit: since pretty much none of these are really time specific, i think it will suffice to just post them and make it easier to see them all at once, rather than actually pre-dating them in the archive.
edit #2: well, some of the ones from even further back (most definitely time-specific) seemed harmless enough to share, so they'll actually go into the archive correctly.
edit: since pretty much none of these are really time specific, i think it will suffice to just post them and make it easier to see them all at once, rather than actually pre-dating them in the archive.
edit #2: well, some of the ones from even further back (most definitely time-specific) seemed harmless enough to share, so they'll actually go into the archive correctly.
Friday, October 17, 2014
lone wolf pack
newsflash (hehe, not): i am lonely.
i say this not to make anyone feel bad for me, or even to say that you in particular are not doing a good job as a friend. in fact, if you are reading this now, it's likely that you're one of the best friends that i have (and i am exceedingly grateful for you---more than you know). nor will the point of this post be to elaborate over that too much (hopefully), as i have done that before. i don't like repeating myself unnecessarily.
the point is that i am not alone (in being lonely). =)
i rarely, if ever, speak for other people, but in this case i have met several others who have somehow indicated that they were lonely, even though other people were available to them in pretty much every case.
so why are so many people so isolated?
i'll tell you. i don't know.
maybe because we lonely people don't know there are others. maybe because we don't know how to reach out to them, or how to interact with them if we did. maybe because our trust has been broken and we find it too hard to give it again. maybe we're so concerned about being seen as an outcast that we hide it too well---so we unwittingly worsen our own problem. i don't know. probably everyone has different reasons.
hmm... well, here's what i know about myself. i relate much better to older people on a mental level, but i often can't relate to them well on an experiential level. i have more shared experiences with those my age, but even then it's hard to relate because i view so many things differently. sometimes i find it easier to be with guys than girls because in some cases there's less double-sided-ness about them, but those kind of friendships can get complicated very easily. i am rather introverted, which makes it difficult for me to be outgoing to people i don't know. and, sometimes i intentionally hide my real opinions and personality from people who i don't trust to understand me. i've been in friendships that seemed about perfect in almost every way, and now i'm spoiled.
i've also discovered that it's not the being alone that i hate, until i try to think of other options and can't come up with any. oh, sure, there are people i could go hang out with, but it would mostly just be to pass time. i've spent enough time trying to look like i was "in" with a group of people to know that what i'm really looking for is someone with whom i have a mutual excitement to be with each other, as well as a mutual desire for intimacy and vulnerability. but i look around at what other people have, and i'm jealous. not the malicious kind, but the sad kind, because i want that so bad, but can't find it.
obviously i don't have this figured out, but maybe the real problem is my focus. maybe instead of looking for this kind of friend, i need to be that for someone, or someones.
i say this not to make anyone feel bad for me, or even to say that you in particular are not doing a good job as a friend. in fact, if you are reading this now, it's likely that you're one of the best friends that i have (and i am exceedingly grateful for you---more than you know). nor will the point of this post be to elaborate over that too much (hopefully), as i have done that before. i don't like repeating myself unnecessarily.
the point is that i am not alone (in being lonely). =)
i rarely, if ever, speak for other people, but in this case i have met several others who have somehow indicated that they were lonely, even though other people were available to them in pretty much every case.
so why are so many people so isolated?
i'll tell you. i don't know.
maybe because we lonely people don't know there are others. maybe because we don't know how to reach out to them, or how to interact with them if we did. maybe because our trust has been broken and we find it too hard to give it again. maybe we're so concerned about being seen as an outcast that we hide it too well---so we unwittingly worsen our own problem. i don't know. probably everyone has different reasons.
hmm... well, here's what i know about myself. i relate much better to older people on a mental level, but i often can't relate to them well on an experiential level. i have more shared experiences with those my age, but even then it's hard to relate because i view so many things differently. sometimes i find it easier to be with guys than girls because in some cases there's less double-sided-ness about them, but those kind of friendships can get complicated very easily. i am rather introverted, which makes it difficult for me to be outgoing to people i don't know. and, sometimes i intentionally hide my real opinions and personality from people who i don't trust to understand me. i've been in friendships that seemed about perfect in almost every way, and now i'm spoiled.
i've also discovered that it's not the being alone that i hate, until i try to think of other options and can't come up with any. oh, sure, there are people i could go hang out with, but it would mostly just be to pass time. i've spent enough time trying to look like i was "in" with a group of people to know that what i'm really looking for is someone with whom i have a mutual excitement to be with each other, as well as a mutual desire for intimacy and vulnerability. but i look around at what other people have, and i'm jealous. not the malicious kind, but the sad kind, because i want that so bad, but can't find it.
obviously i don't have this figured out, but maybe the real problem is my focus. maybe instead of looking for this kind of friend, i need to be that for someone, or someones.
Tuesday, September 16, 2014
stepping outside
so many people will do anything and everything to avoid an awkward situation. especially introverts i think, since those seem to come more easily to us.
at this point i am reaffirming that my primary goal in life is not to avoid awkward moments or discomfort. and that it's even ok to acknowledge them. let it be so.
(actually, not just a reaffirmation, but a reminder--no--command for myself.)
at this point i am reaffirming that my primary goal in life is not to avoid awkward moments or discomfort. and that it's even ok to acknowledge them. let it be so.
(actually, not just a reaffirmation, but a reminder--no--command for myself.)
Sunday, September 14, 2014
scattered thoughts of a lone wolf
not to self-deprecate or say that i'm bad company, but sometimes hanging out with myself gets old.
i'm going to be sick if i hear one more person tell me that i'll never be alone.
i'm glad for God's company, even though it can't and isn't meant to replace human company. that was part of design.
maybe, just maybe, i can be that friend for someone else.
i'll admit i'm picky, but it's nice to give someone joy just by being there, being me.
God, I want so badly for You to be the one thing that completely fulfills me, that removes my need and desire for anything else.
i'm going to be sick if i hear one more person tell me that i'll never be alone.
i'm glad for God's company, even though it can't and isn't meant to replace human company. that was part of design.
maybe, just maybe, i can be that friend for someone else.
i'll admit i'm picky, but it's nice to give someone joy just by being there, being me.
God, I want so badly for You to be the one thing that completely fulfills me, that removes my need and desire for anything else.
Friday, August 29, 2014
i choose to differ.
i have arriven at the conclusion that one's social life is severely underrated by many, especially those with a strong sense of responsibility. i would like to hereby challenge them by proposing that it is a responsibility in itself, and an important one. that is a key way through which things of immaterial importance happen.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
fight or flee or free
there comes a point where there is nothing else that you can do that is useful.
and later there comes a point where introspection stops being productive and helpful. it just starts festering.
and later there comes a point where trying to evade both becomes ineffective, if not impossible.
when you can't fight, and you can't untangle, and you can't run, that's when you have no choice but to surrender. but then again, maybe that was always the point anyway.
and later there comes a point where introspection stops being productive and helpful. it just starts festering.
and later there comes a point where trying to evade both becomes ineffective, if not impossible.
when you can't fight, and you can't untangle, and you can't run, that's when you have no choice but to surrender. but then again, maybe that was always the point anyway.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
embers
"oh, i'll just listen to the Honey Trees while i do my homework. that shouldn't distract me much because i don't know as many of the words."
o ho ho, silly self. wrong again. that took me about 30 seconds to figure out.
anyway, i don't really know what i'm blogging about yet, so i apologize in advance for not making sense. but it's EBS, and it has to come out. i actually don't even know what i'm feeling, only that it's super intense. maybe restlessness. i know it has to do with the Cambodia mission team coming back, and seeing Sean and his reactions to stuff and changes in him (and through him). and hearing like three people tell me i need to go to Cambodia next year. and being impatient about hearing everyone's stories from the trip. also seeing Madi and Giana and Caleb and Jerad and hearing their stories of how God works and talks to them and reveals things to them. and feeling like a child in a room of Bible scholars. and making plans to be more missional this next year. and feeling nudges to keep praying for people and actually kind of hurting for them.
and then trying to sit down long enough to focus on reading about the stock market and taxes. um, no.
ok, i think i might know what it is, or at least a piece. talking to Jerad the other week, he rightly guessed that i feel a need for not just good relationships, but intense ones. but i think it's the same with God. knowing an omniscient and loving God is always there is really cool, and knowing Him personally is even cooler, but i want more. i want it to be as intense as the guy on the street corner with no lungs and no kidneys, who just expects God's provision every moment because he knows it'll happen. true story. or speaking God's healing into someone's crippled legs. or showing a broken person God's love, and seeing the transformation. or hearing God speak back to me. i want to see and be a part of those things.
it's not so much about real or myth anymore. scholars can argue that until the cows come home (or Christ returns, whichever happens first), but i've made my decision already, and i've seen/heard enough to convince me anyway. it's more about how much He is alive in my life, about my reality.
o ho ho, silly self. wrong again. that took me about 30 seconds to figure out.
anyway, i don't really know what i'm blogging about yet, so i apologize in advance for not making sense. but it's EBS, and it has to come out. i actually don't even know what i'm feeling, only that it's super intense. maybe restlessness. i know it has to do with the Cambodia mission team coming back, and seeing Sean and his reactions to stuff and changes in him (and through him). and hearing like three people tell me i need to go to Cambodia next year. and being impatient about hearing everyone's stories from the trip. also seeing Madi and Giana and Caleb and Jerad and hearing their stories of how God works and talks to them and reveals things to them. and feeling like a child in a room of Bible scholars. and making plans to be more missional this next year. and feeling nudges to keep praying for people and actually kind of hurting for them.
and then trying to sit down long enough to focus on reading about the stock market and taxes. um, no.
ok, i think i might know what it is, or at least a piece. talking to Jerad the other week, he rightly guessed that i feel a need for not just good relationships, but intense ones. but i think it's the same with God. knowing an omniscient and loving God is always there is really cool, and knowing Him personally is even cooler, but i want more. i want it to be as intense as the guy on the street corner with no lungs and no kidneys, who just expects God's provision every moment because he knows it'll happen. true story. or speaking God's healing into someone's crippled legs. or showing a broken person God's love, and seeing the transformation. or hearing God speak back to me. i want to see and be a part of those things.
it's not so much about real or myth anymore. scholars can argue that until the cows come home (or Christ returns, whichever happens first), but i've made my decision already, and i've seen/heard enough to convince me anyway. it's more about how much He is alive in my life, about my reality.
Sunday, July 27, 2014
a smidgen
something has come upon me. something so small yet that i daren't even speak it. yet it simultaneously chills me and warms me to my toes and fingertips--quite a feat. a stirring. an idea the size of a mustard seed, but with potential to outgrow all the garden plants. it perhaps would not sound like a radical idea, but it could have radical effects. and it could also pose several risks, in both the physical and spiritual realms. but then again, doesn't everything, conscious decision or not? i may be just the person--inspiration and roots have already started to dig in a bit--but to make it work, i may have to be twice the person i've been. this might be from God--but i must make sure first, if i can. if nothing comes of it, then so be it. but if it is from God--well, let it suffice to say that it may be a part of my Purpose.
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
things to start scheduling a consistent time for every day
- Bible reading
- intentional prayer
- spending time all by myself, without obligations such as homework (aka resting time)
- sleep
- other stuff that has nothing to do with this post
i was already doing all of those, but with not enough consistency.
it is my intention to start being more intentional with ministering to people in an intense, casual, everyday, deliberate sort of fashion. i admit i'm at a bit of a loss as to specifics, especially after this next year. but i do know that in order to be effective doing this, i need to be prepared to give as much of myself as possible to people. which means preparing more of myself to give. i need to have at my disposal as much social, mental, emotional, and physical energy as possible, as well as time and spiritual equipment. this will certainly be tricky, since there are already so many demands on both my time and energy, and will continue to be, at least as much as ever. but we'll see.
so anyway... the beginnings of a plan to be more prepared overall.
it is my intention to start being more intentional with ministering to people in an intense, casual, everyday, deliberate sort of fashion. i admit i'm at a bit of a loss as to specifics, especially after this next year. but i do know that in order to be effective doing this, i need to be prepared to give as much of myself as possible to people. which means preparing more of myself to give. i need to have at my disposal as much social, mental, emotional, and physical energy as possible, as well as time and spiritual equipment. this will certainly be tricky, since there are already so many demands on both my time and energy, and will continue to be, at least as much as ever. but we'll see.
so anyway... the beginnings of a plan to be more prepared overall.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
voices
just imagine:
you are travelling along your path, minding your own business, when you realize you hear a voice in the distance, calling your name. actually, how distant is it really? you can't quite tell. in fact, you can't even tell which direction the voice is coming from. come to think of it, you're not even sure how long you've been hearing it. perhaps always. it is faint, but insistent. urgent, even. the harder you listen, the more you can hear it. oh! it sounds like it's coming from your right, slightly behind you. but then again, maybe not. maybe it's actually travelling from your due left. or . . . hmm. if only you could take a moment to decipher, but things keep calling your attention away. good things, bad things, people, obligations, commitments. you've been carrying them around with you, lovingly catering to their needs and demands, but now their grabbing tendrils and outspoken voices are interrupting. argh!!! you can hear the Voice, hear your name in its beautiful, ethereal, wild refrains. but it travels with the wind, leaving no trail for you to track down. other passersby--you see them listening and following. all scattering in all directions, but with certainty. you begin to panic because you know that whatever it's calling you to do is obviously so much more important than any of the things in your pack, but you can't locate it.
then you hear it change. it speaks calmly, words that sound soothing. you think you can maybe make them out, but you're not quite sure. then it comes to you.
"Don't worry. I will show you."
what?? show you what!?! but the wind is picking up and the words slur together. what now???
you sigh deeply and continue on your way, the only way you know. but you keep your ears and eyes wide open, holding on fast to the one thing the Voice has assured you.
you are travelling along your path, minding your own business, when you realize you hear a voice in the distance, calling your name. actually, how distant is it really? you can't quite tell. in fact, you can't even tell which direction the voice is coming from. come to think of it, you're not even sure how long you've been hearing it. perhaps always. it is faint, but insistent. urgent, even. the harder you listen, the more you can hear it. oh! it sounds like it's coming from your right, slightly behind you. but then again, maybe not. maybe it's actually travelling from your due left. or . . . hmm. if only you could take a moment to decipher, but things keep calling your attention away. good things, bad things, people, obligations, commitments. you've been carrying them around with you, lovingly catering to their needs and demands, but now their grabbing tendrils and outspoken voices are interrupting. argh!!! you can hear the Voice, hear your name in its beautiful, ethereal, wild refrains. but it travels with the wind, leaving no trail for you to track down. other passersby--you see them listening and following. all scattering in all directions, but with certainty. you begin to panic because you know that whatever it's calling you to do is obviously so much more important than any of the things in your pack, but you can't locate it.
then you hear it change. it speaks calmly, words that sound soothing. you think you can maybe make them out, but you're not quite sure. then it comes to you.
"Don't worry. I will show you."
what?? show you what!?! but the wind is picking up and the words slur together. what now???
you sigh deeply and continue on your way, the only way you know. but you keep your ears and eyes wide open, holding on fast to the one thing the Voice has assured you.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
vitalized
dear Infinite One,
i barely have words for You. where shall i begin?
ok, ok. first of all, thank You for always being... here, You, love, forgiving, gracious... i could go on for always, i think. thank You for putting up with me all the time, and for seeking out the best in me. thank You for showing me the heart cause of my fear. thank You for revealing its foundation for what it was: a craftily woven trampoline of lies. thank You for providing for me, even when i thought You didn't. thank You more than anything for my Family. had i ever known life before?
help me to have confidence. not in myself, but in You in me. and You around me. help me to experience You more fully every day. if You are willing, let me be the tool You use to make a difference in someone's life. help me be sensitive and responsive, so i can hear You calling me. and especially help me to keep this mentality.
one more thing: in response to Your invitation, yes absolutely. i am ready to be less long-distance Facebook friends, or even blog followers. i want to live life alongside You, breathing in Your air, watching You work, and living as friends. time for more than a virtual relationship. i didn't exactly realize what i've been missing out on, but i'm ready to start striving for something new, unworthy and flawed and unfaithful as i am. i know that You can use even the most unclean (well... spiritually i guess that's not really a gradient). for those who know You, You see only the beauty You designed. so, here i am. make me that--the person You had in mind.
here i am.
love,
Your friend and disciple
i barely have words for You. where shall i begin?
ok, ok. first of all, thank You for always being... here, You, love, forgiving, gracious... i could go on for always, i think. thank You for putting up with me all the time, and for seeking out the best in me. thank You for showing me the heart cause of my fear. thank You for revealing its foundation for what it was: a craftily woven trampoline of lies. thank You for providing for me, even when i thought You didn't. thank You more than anything for my Family. had i ever known life before?
help me to have confidence. not in myself, but in You in me. and You around me. help me to experience You more fully every day. if You are willing, let me be the tool You use to make a difference in someone's life. help me be sensitive and responsive, so i can hear You calling me. and especially help me to keep this mentality.
one more thing: in response to Your invitation, yes absolutely. i am ready to be less long-distance Facebook friends, or even blog followers. i want to live life alongside You, breathing in Your air, watching You work, and living as friends. time for more than a virtual relationship. i didn't exactly realize what i've been missing out on, but i'm ready to start striving for something new, unworthy and flawed and unfaithful as i am. i know that You can use even the most unclean (well... spiritually i guess that's not really a gradient). for those who know You, You see only the beauty You designed. so, here i am. make me that--the person You had in mind.
here i am.
love,
Your friend and disciple
Sunday, June 8, 2014
a detailed answer to an indirect question
whew! ok. i'm really sorry... i hate posting so many different things all in one night. it feels unfair to the posts because they all have to share the attention, and unfair to you, because you'll probably want to sit down and read the whole thing. my reasoning was that they're all pretty related. in fact, it was only after i was well into the writing process that i realized there was enough for several posts rather than just one.
here's to answering questions in completeness. :)
here's to answering questions in completeness. :)
perfectionitis or senioritis?
"people who always strive for perfection don't understand how anyone else can do otherwise."
-yours truly
at this moment I am fluctuating about the wisdom of this concept, so we'll see how it goes.
"you can't always be perfect, and a lot of the time, things don't really matter as much as you think they do. put it in perspective."
yes. i know this. here's what i have to say:
before i started getting all crazy stressed out about stuff (school, mostly), i would always strive for perfection, or at least my best. last year-ish, i started to realize that i have limits on things like time, energy, ability to always work on little sleep, strength of will, etc. so this past year (of school), i have been trying to mend that by doing things more in order of importance to me personally, and by getting more sleep (a bit) and rest.
this is good.
all in all, i haven't changed all that much, but in some ways--drastically. sleep and rest have both risen several places on my must-do list. so has social life, especially since i have learned more ways that is ties into--no, is necessary for--my faith. which i put first in my mind, though i fail often to put it into action. why is homework such a high priority when so many other things are more important? there can only be one top of the list. consequently, down it went.
my grades have shown it, too. not that they're bad. just...lower than before. as i write this, i feel foolish for caring so much about something that probably doesn't matter all that much in reality. yet, i know i could've done better, and that eats at me.
also, i sort of think that the biggest thing that has changed is my work ethic. while the other things have gone up a little, mostly i look back and wonder where all of my time has been squandered. and why have i had sooo much less energy? (that one i still haven't figured out--could be more emotional energy going out, or maybe recovering from poor resting habits of last year... not sure) i know i'm much less stressed, and probably more healthy. but i think i may have left my old goals only to fail at the new.
this is bad.
and it's at least part of why i have been (occasionally) feeling out of sorts. i can't do this anymore. it feels shameful, even if it is a learning experience. i can't go on giving less than a full to anything i do, even things i may never use again, because i still feel wholly disappointed when i fail.
so: back to my original plan for this. to stay motivated, but not blow things out of perspective. growth is discouraging. at least for me. because i don't grow quickly, so it's easy to mistake it for failure, when really, it's just a journey to a goal that isn't finished yet. so i guess i can be encouraged now that i know that.
-yours truly
at this moment I am fluctuating about the wisdom of this concept, so we'll see how it goes.
"you can't always be perfect, and a lot of the time, things don't really matter as much as you think they do. put it in perspective."
yes. i know this. here's what i have to say:
before i started getting all crazy stressed out about stuff (school, mostly), i would always strive for perfection, or at least my best. last year-ish, i started to realize that i have limits on things like time, energy, ability to always work on little sleep, strength of will, etc. so this past year (of school), i have been trying to mend that by doing things more in order of importance to me personally, and by getting more sleep (a bit) and rest.
this is good.
all in all, i haven't changed all that much, but in some ways--drastically. sleep and rest have both risen several places on my must-do list. so has social life, especially since i have learned more ways that is ties into--no, is necessary for--my faith. which i put first in my mind, though i fail often to put it into action. why is homework such a high priority when so many other things are more important? there can only be one top of the list. consequently, down it went.
my grades have shown it, too. not that they're bad. just...lower than before. as i write this, i feel foolish for caring so much about something that probably doesn't matter all that much in reality. yet, i know i could've done better, and that eats at me.
also, i sort of think that the biggest thing that has changed is my work ethic. while the other things have gone up a little, mostly i look back and wonder where all of my time has been squandered. and why have i had sooo much less energy? (that one i still haven't figured out--could be more emotional energy going out, or maybe recovering from poor resting habits of last year... not sure) i know i'm much less stressed, and probably more healthy. but i think i may have left my old goals only to fail at the new.
this is bad.
and it's at least part of why i have been (occasionally) feeling out of sorts. i can't do this anymore. it feels shameful, even if it is a learning experience. i can't go on giving less than a full to anything i do, even things i may never use again, because i still feel wholly disappointed when i fail.
so: back to my original plan for this. to stay motivated, but not blow things out of perspective. growth is discouraging. at least for me. because i don't grow quickly, so it's easy to mistake it for failure, when really, it's just a journey to a goal that isn't finished yet. so i guess i can be encouraged now that i know that.
is it good?
for a long time i've had a problem with the statement "God is all you need." i don't even think it's biblical. but i've heard it so much. it seems like it should be true. in fact, i would be truly relieved to find out that it was true. then i could just change something i was doing, and all my problems would be solved. mostly because i find myself lonely so often. i've come to the conclusion that i really need human intimacy to be socially/emotionally healthy (no way!!!).
i think i might not be wrong about this. (how's that for a confident challenge?)
even though God made Adam, walked with him (at the time), created tons of other creatures, still Adam had no suitable companion among all of them until Eve. then it was good.
i think God has something really special planned/already in the works. this is my Hope.
even though God made Adam, walked with him (at the time), created tons of other creatures, still Adam had no suitable companion among all of them until Eve. then it was good.
i think God has something really special planned/already in the works. this is my Hope.
fear and desire: part ii
sorry if i repeat myself a bit from the last one. the last post was about the fear. this is about the desire. and my greatest desire (or one of them, at least) is to have a best friend. even the most mundane activity, when done among friends, can become fun, while the most intriguing can lose its fire without anyone to share it with.
"well that's easy. your best friend is just whoever your favorite friend is."
no. no. no.
i may not be picky about a lot of things, but this... oh, where do i start? actually though, i don't expect this to be very very long, since i've said a lot of this before.
for a super detailed version of this, click here. or visit the post before this one. for a more succinct and relevant version, you've come to the right place.
the main thing is that if i have a best friend, i have to be their best friend too. it has to be completely mutual understanding and confiding and enjoying. that's where the other posts come in--this is just to add on.
sometimes my friends can't understand me because of differing values or interests. sometimes i can't understand them because of an experience difference. sometimes we just can't be best friends because they are romantically attached to someone else, who, by definition, becomes their best friend. i still value all of these highly, and always will, and always will invest in them unless something important prevents me from doing so.
call me an idealist. it's probably true. i'll still be the best friend i can to all of my friends, but i am unwilling to change my definition or desire for this.
"well that's easy. your best friend is just whoever your favorite friend is."
no. no. no.
i may not be picky about a lot of things, but this... oh, where do i start? actually though, i don't expect this to be very very long, since i've said a lot of this before.
for a super detailed version of this, click here. or visit the post before this one. for a more succinct and relevant version, you've come to the right place.
the main thing is that if i have a best friend, i have to be their best friend too. it has to be completely mutual understanding and confiding and enjoying. that's where the other posts come in--this is just to add on.
sometimes my friends can't understand me because of differing values or interests. sometimes i can't understand them because of an experience difference. sometimes we just can't be best friends because they are romantically attached to someone else, who, by definition, becomes their best friend. i still value all of these highly, and always will, and always will invest in them unless something important prevents me from doing so.
call me an idealist. it's probably true. i'll still be the best friend i can to all of my friends, but i am unwilling to change my definition or desire for this.
fear and desire: part i
(disclaimer: i apologize if this makes no sense at all. this is really difficult for me, and has taken me over a month to tell anyone at all. but... here goes.)
"Well, we can talk about that, but I'm more interested in knowing your greatest fear and your greatest desire. Most of the time they're related, because people tend to desire things that will get them away from their fears."
- J. S. Mendel
"Well, we can talk about that, but I'm more interested in knowing your greatest fear and your greatest desire. Most of the time they're related, because people tend to desire things that will get them away from their fears."
- J. S. Mendel
well, friends, it has taken me pretty much my whole life, but i think i've finally uncovered a fear. a fear based on a dislike of a pattern. a pattern of close friends becoming distant friends, and of being left alone with my own social ineptitude once again. over and over and over. a fear that this pattern will never be over.
to briefly clarify, though i probably don't need to: loneliness ≠ being alone. not in the physical sense, anyway. that would be ironic for an introvert. sometimes i want to just enjoy being alone, and i'm usually the most lonely when i'm in a large group of people--but people with whom i have little or no close connection. especially if they have a close connection with each other.
loneliness is something i am quite familiar with, and have been for... a long time. the actual fear is that it won't really end.
this has two parts:
temporary-ness:
this part is more of a dismay that all my relational efforts build to something temporary (that's where a bit of hopelessness comes in). and a concern that loneliness will be always present because i will always know that the things i'm building won't last. a fear that i will never find belonging (in a close friend/group of close friends) that lasts. this sounds stupid now that it's written, but i think it might be kind of key, since i notice now that i've written about it multiple times before.
alone-ness of purpose:
this also includes interest. to sum up: not being able to relate to/with people (on a two-way level). for a full novel, read on.
"i want to be emotionally fulfilling for others, such that if i were to leave forever, they would 1) always want me to return, and 2) be unable to fill at least one specific need. i suppose this goes hand in hand with uniquity. i want others to have isaiah-shaped voids in their lives, which could at best be only partially / imperfectly filled by anyone or anything else. ...i simply cannot be content with having close relationships in which i fulfill those people in a generic, non-unique way."
- INTeJer, "RE: thoughts from out of nowhere," moon-bathing
i don't just want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around. i want to be that friend who, if i'm not there, it's just not the same. i want to be the friend that can make you smile, even if you're in the worst mood. but i also want to be the friend that you can tell anything to. i want to be the friend that can help you in a practical way when you're going through something, but if i can't be that, i at least want to be the friend who can help you through it emotionally. i want to be the friend to whom you'll lend your shoulder to cry on any day, and on whom you can count to do the same. i want to be the friend who is fulfilled by knowing you and who fulfills you too.
to briefly clarify, though i probably don't need to: loneliness ≠ being alone. not in the physical sense, anyway. that would be ironic for an introvert. sometimes i want to just enjoy being alone, and i'm usually the most lonely when i'm in a large group of people--but people with whom i have little or no close connection. especially if they have a close connection with each other.
loneliness is something i am quite familiar with, and have been for... a long time. the actual fear is that it won't really end.
temporary-ness:
this part is more of a dismay that all my relational efforts build to something temporary (that's where a bit of hopelessness comes in). and a concern that loneliness will be always present because i will always know that the things i'm building won't last. a fear that i will never find belonging (in a close friend/group of close friends) that lasts. this sounds stupid now that it's written, but i think it might be kind of key, since i notice now that i've written about it multiple times before.
alone-ness of purpose:
this also includes interest. to sum up: not being able to relate to/with people (on a two-way level). for a full novel, read on.
i have always related better to people older than i am. perhaps a result of being the youngest by so much. most people's reaction to this (not peers as much, but people on the outside) is something like "oh, you're so mature" or "responsible" or "understanding" or something really positive like that.
i'm telling you, it sucks. the only people i've found that share a common sense of purpose and/or interest to the degree that i have are in a different stage of life than i am. i thought it didn't matter (maybe someday it won't). and i am not at all giving up on those. i just realized... well...
when asked to define friendship over a year ago, i wrote an entire post about it. it was pretty thorough, but it was mostly about what a good friend would be to me. that was what i was most focused on and most grateful for at the time. i still am, but since then, i've found that it isn't quite complete... anymore.
my older (in age) friends are excellent friends to me. since developing some of these friendships, i think i know a little better what heaven must be like, because this is the closest i've ever been. but when it comes to understanding the things that bend them out of shape, sometimes i'm quite lost. it doesn't quite sit exactly right with me.
as an isjami might say, i have a balanced amount of give-of-myself-to-you relationships and receive-from-you relationships, but am somewhat lacking in the give-and-take mutual-investment deeply-connected relationships category. =)
when asked to define friendship over a year ago, i wrote an entire post about it. it was pretty thorough, but it was mostly about what a good friend would be to me. that was what i was most focused on and most grateful for at the time. i still am, but since then, i've found that it isn't quite complete... anymore.
my older (in age) friends are excellent friends to me. since developing some of these friendships, i think i know a little better what heaven must be like, because this is the closest i've ever been. but when it comes to understanding the things that bend them out of shape, sometimes i'm quite lost. it doesn't quite sit exactly right with me.
as an isjami might say, i have a balanced amount of give-of-myself-to-you relationships and receive-from-you relationships, but am somewhat lacking in the give-and-take mutual-investment deeply-connected relationships category. =)
"i want to be emotionally fulfilling for others, such that if i were to leave forever, they would 1) always want me to return, and 2) be unable to fill at least one specific need. i suppose this goes hand in hand with uniquity. i want others to have isaiah-shaped voids in their lives, which could at best be only partially / imperfectly filled by anyone or anything else. ...i simply cannot be content with having close relationships in which i fulfill those people in a generic, non-unique way."
- INTeJer, "RE: thoughts from out of nowhere," moon-bathing
i don't just want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around. i want to be that friend who, if i'm not there, it's just not the same. i want to be the friend that can make you smile, even if you're in the worst mood. but i also want to be the friend that you can tell anything to. i want to be the friend that can help you in a practical way when you're going through something, but if i can't be that, i at least want to be the friend who can help you through it emotionally. i want to be the friend to whom you'll lend your shoulder to cry on any day, and on whom you can count to do the same. i want to be the friend who is fulfilled by knowing you and who fulfills you too.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
fresh out of sorts
i hate this way.
i want to sleep, but i don't want to go to bed having done nothing. i want to get out, but have no idea where i would go. i don't want to be alone, yet i can't think of a single person i want to be with (no offense please, Reader).
i have a million things i can do and a million more things i should do, yet i have no motivation because i'm so bored with it all. i have the ability to pursue almost anything, but nothing is exciting me.
i have God-given potential and purpose, but my existence at this stage doesn't seem to be quite fulfilling it. i am always so busy spending all of my time accomplishing nothing.
in fact, i don't even know why i'm writing here--it seems so pointless.
pointless, useless, listless, restless.
i know why. it has to do with the amount of good i'm doing for anyone right now. actually, it probably has more to do with the amount of good i feel that i'm doing (in a permanent or meaningful way) for anyone who needs something. and the amount of good i feel that i'm not able to do for them. i admit that my view might be skewed, but still.
i want to sleep, but i don't want to go to bed having done nothing. i want to get out, but have no idea where i would go. i don't want to be alone, yet i can't think of a single person i want to be with (no offense please, Reader).
i have a million things i can do and a million more things i should do, yet i have no motivation because i'm so bored with it all. i have the ability to pursue almost anything, but nothing is exciting me.
i have God-given potential and purpose, but my existence at this stage doesn't seem to be quite fulfilling it. i am always so busy spending all of my time accomplishing nothing.
in fact, i don't even know why i'm writing here--it seems so pointless.
pointless, useless, listless, restless.
i know why. it has to do with the amount of good i'm doing for anyone right now. actually, it probably has more to do with the amount of good i feel that i'm doing (in a permanent or meaningful way) for anyone who needs something. and the amount of good i feel that i'm not able to do for them. i admit that my view might be skewed, but still.
i think i'm relying too much on myself. that's why. i suppose.
the sliver of silver lining is that lots of new beginnings are potentially just around the corner.
maybe i'll just go to bed anyway. then i can wake up and busy myself doing something that seems like it matters.
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
a new chapter unfolds
thanks for all your prayers. after much, much deliberation, i have finally come (/been led) to a scholarly decision about next year. and, what's more, i have started to make some goals and plans about things beyond that (which are, of course, very subject to change, but it's a start and a drive at least). this isn't a particularly spiritual post, but since i asked so many people to pray for me in this area, it seemed only appropriate.
Monday, May 19, 2014
cream and black coffee
"Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came."
~Miss Lavendar Lewis, Anne of Avonlea
it's this time of year in multiple instances.
i miss so many people. it seems like whenever i start getting close to someone, they disappear in one way or another.
sometimes i feel that it would be better to give up pursuing intimacy with anyone (of the earthly variety) and find a way to make myself be ok with it so that it wouldn't hurt so much when people leave.
(p.s.: would you believe that i actually had this post pretty much written before i came across the quote in a book?)
~Miss Lavendar Lewis, Anne of Avonlea
it's this time of year in multiple instances.
i miss so many people. it seems like whenever i start getting close to someone, they disappear in one way or another.
sometimes i feel that it would be better to give up pursuing intimacy with anyone (of the earthly variety) and find a way to make myself be ok with it so that it wouldn't hurt so much when people leave.
(p.s.: would you believe that i actually had this post pretty much written before i came across the quote in a book?)
education with introspectacles
i feel like i've grown up more in the past year than all the others combined. i've had opportunity to observe how i deal with some aspects of painful and ugly... and it's been educational and fascinating, to say the least.
- if something has me down or depressed for too long, eventually my mind just dumps it, or at least pushes it aside. staying down for that long would probably literally drive me insane.
- this is a good and useful defense mechanism. however, sometimes it causes me to move past things too quickly or to leave them where they can rot without me knowing it. sometimes it also forces me to be a little dishonest with myself.
- almost any amount of pain or other discomfort i feel i will almost always go out of my way to hide, unless i know i can rely on the person i'm with to understand me. and believe me, after years of practice, i've become a pretty good everyday actress.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
unwavering wavering
i hate it when i look at something from every possible angle and i roll it over and over and over in my head and try to figure it out, and come to an almost certain conclusion but then let it rest for a while just in case, and then later find my mindset in the complete opposite way, and then think and pray on it some more, and then set it down for a while, and then come back to it and roll it around some more...
...and it still stands unresolved (or in this case, undecided).
please pray for direction and my understanding (especially for next year). He will show me, i am confident.
...and it still stands unresolved (or in this case, undecided).
please pray for direction and my understanding (especially for next year). He will show me, i am confident.
Monday, May 12, 2014
pressing on
just keep going keep going never stop don't ever give up or quit just keep moving keep working keep doing keep going keep doing something don't ever stop not ever not even for a moment or you will not be able to pick it up again so just keep writing keep working keep moving keep breathing don't rest yet don't pause don't even blink, just keep going, keep going, keeeep goooiiing, gggooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg..............................
Monday, May 5, 2014
wind tag: Elpis to help us
no feelings are the best of all because they are safe. they'll
never threaten to misguide,
or ever backstab;
forever constantly sustained, and
protection from all pain.
having known a joy is slightly better than knowing you had never known it,
but what if you never knew
how much you had missed?
ignorant bliss.
yet what could be worse than apathy about the thing you craved the most?
if you woke up one morning to see that the sun didn't light up your face when it rose?
or has there really ever been light at all? perhaps everything really has always been
dark and cold and lonely,
and the rest was only a dream.
or maybe it was real.
it was so beautiful,
and then i realized my fears that it wasn't for me.
not for my eyes, nor my ears, nor any senses.
the feelings were all mine, but not the experiences.
but it was all real. a dream that came true, miraculously mine, but later lost. or perhaps just misplaced?
teasing, infuriating is the middle ground, the sound
of that which may be, but you can't be sure.
maybe it's meant to be,
maybe just in reach,
or it may be that it will simply be torn again, leaving you
with your security breached; worn and broken.
the mystery beckons like the cat in the box,
but you can't reckon until it unlocks and opens.
then, for better or worse, it will be unleashed--
whether blessing or curse, beautiful letdown or painful confirmation,
regardless--revealing there was only ever
one Hope for all of man.
never threaten to misguide,
or ever backstab;
forever constantly sustained, and
protection from all pain.
having known a joy is slightly better than knowing you had never known it,
but what if you never knew
how much you had missed?
ignorant bliss.
yet what could be worse than apathy about the thing you craved the most?
if you woke up one morning to see that the sun didn't light up your face when it rose?
or has there really ever been light at all? perhaps everything really has always been
dark and cold and lonely,
and the rest was only a dream.
or maybe it was real.
it was so beautiful,
and then i realized my fears that it wasn't for me.
not for my eyes, nor my ears, nor any senses.
the feelings were all mine, but not the experiences.
but it was all real. a dream that came true, miraculously mine, but later lost. or perhaps just misplaced?
teasing, infuriating is the middle ground, the sound
of that which may be, but you can't be sure.
maybe it's meant to be,
maybe just in reach,
or it may be that it will simply be torn again, leaving you
with your security breached; worn and broken.
the mystery beckons like the cat in the box,
but you can't reckon until it unlocks and opens.
then, for better or worse, it will be unleashed--
whether blessing or curse, beautiful letdown or painful confirmation,
regardless--revealing there was only ever
one Hope for all of man.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
a new day
so i was thinking yesterday (shocking!), and my thoughts wandered to this blog. and i realized that its original purpose is not being fulfilled if i don't follow through with things. especially if the things i don't follow through with are resolutions. also especially if no one has been told of them in person either.
SO... this post. i planned to not write anything else on this topic after one called "trustrating." (go find it if you want, but the whole thing is so revolting to me... i wouldn't recommend it). my reasoning was that i didn't want to draw too much attention to something that didn't seem like it should be a big deal. but after that post... it still kept hurting, and i still thought about it kind of a lot. a little (erm...lot) more vulnerability, a few (or something) more tears, a little more prayer, a little more reconciliation, bla bla bla....
anyway... that post was the learning experience. this one is the resolution. the point is that a couple months ago i very intentionally made an important decision. the decision to stop picking at scabs. to allow feelings of guilt or anger or confusion or resentment to die of neglect and undernourishment, and to move forward. "you gotta put your behind in your past." i'm not saying i'm totally healed yet, necessarily, though i truly believe that God led me to this point. but i am saying, on behalf of two(ish) months ago, that i am refusing to allow this to fester or eat at me any longer.
i am also saying that i need to find a way to not let my blog die of neglect, while still being temporally responsible. :)
SO... this post. i planned to not write anything else on this topic after one called "trustrating." (go find it if you want, but the whole thing is so revolting to me... i wouldn't recommend it). my reasoning was that i didn't want to draw too much attention to something that didn't seem like it should be a big deal. but after that post... it still kept hurting, and i still thought about it kind of a lot. a little (erm...lot) more vulnerability, a few (or something) more tears, a little more prayer, a little more reconciliation, bla bla bla....
anyway... that post was the learning experience. this one is the resolution. the point is that a couple months ago i very intentionally made an important decision. the decision to stop picking at scabs. to allow feelings of guilt or anger or confusion or resentment to die of neglect and undernourishment, and to move forward. "you gotta put your behind in your past." i'm not saying i'm totally healed yet, necessarily, though i truly believe that God led me to this point. but i am saying, on behalf of two(ish) months ago, that i am refusing to allow this to fester or eat at me any longer.
i am also saying that i need to find a way to not let my blog die of neglect, while still being temporally responsible. :)
Saturday, April 19, 2014
i think it's [b]rigged.
i find this kind of comical. in celebration of my week off, i stayed up late the other night taking a bunch of free online mbti quizzes, since i was so curious after my other ones didn't match up. my results:
- INTJ: 67% I, 12% N, 1% T, 11% J --------------------------humanmetrics.com
- ISFP: 33% I, 19% S, 16% F, 14% P (30% turbulent)---16personalities.com
- INFP: 2% I, 20% N, 56% F, 10% P----------------------------similarminds.com
- INFJ: no percentages----------------------------------------------------personality-testing.info
- ISFJ: 72% I, 14% S, 42% F, 14% J--------------------------celebritytypes.com
those were all on the same night.
earlier tests (they were close to the same time though):
- ISTJ--16personalities.com
- INFJ--humanmetrics.com
- ISFP--16personalities.com
i'd say introversion is pretty certain (is that a 2% preference i see there???) and feeling is reasonably sure. it looks like i might be more judging than perceiving, slightly, maybe. the other one.... who even knows?
conclusive? no. amusing? yes. i might be the only person on the planet capable of failing a personality test.
Monday, March 17, 2014
feed my sheep
you really don't have to read this whole thing. even if you normally read the whole of things. or you can just skim it if you want. it's ok. i won't take it personally (much...) because this is really really REALLY long, and not particularly good or insightful writing (on my part), and it may get tedious for a casual reader. but it did seem important enough to put here.
if you're STILL reading, you may be crazy. i warned you. :)
this is my pledge to you. (you = yes, you personally, reader, as an inhabitant of God's great earth. especially if you happen to be a member of His Church, or someone who will be directly impacted by this. whew. anyway...) i probably shouldn't say pledge, since i will almost certainly mess it up, but i didn't really know what else to call it. agreement? contract? whatever.
"get on with it. some of us have other things to do."
all right! sheesh! you chose this anyway. XP
Before deciding to be Christ’s disciple, it’s important to consider what I will have to be willing to give up for Christ’s sake: everything. I have to be willing to leave behind even the things I value the most if it is God’s will, and consider them worthless in comparison to Him.
Luke 6:22
Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
Matthew 5:10-12
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
As a disciple of Christ, people will probably make fun of my faith or act hatefully toward me because of it. I would be blessed because I would know that they were doing it because of Christ, whom the enemy cannot harm.
Philippians 2:14-15
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky
Children of God should stand out because He set us apart from the rest of the world. People should know us by our blameless and pure lives.
Ephesians 4:1-5
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:11-16
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Christ’s apostles are called to live a life of love, and to help other believers build their faith. All who follow Christ are united in Him, regardless of their spiritual maturity or calling.
Philippians 2:3-8
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
if you're STILL reading, you may be crazy. i warned you. :)
this is my pledge to you. (you = yes, you personally, reader, as an inhabitant of God's great earth. especially if you happen to be a member of His Church, or someone who will be directly impacted by this. whew. anyway...) i probably shouldn't say pledge, since i will almost certainly mess it up, but i didn't really know what else to call it. agreement? contract? whatever.
"get on with it. some of us have other things to do."
all right! sheesh! you chose this anyway. XP
~ ~ ~
Instructions: On
a different piece of paper (or electronically) write down each verse
mentioned in the document, and give me a summary of what you think that
verse means. In the same area, explain how that verse ties in to what's being discussed in the Leadership Document.
Youth Student Leadership Answionnaire (verses)
Romans 10:9-13
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
You are saved if you both declare publicly that Christ is Lord and genuinely believe it in your heart, and all who are saved through Christ are also united in Him. Anyone who is in leadership in the church needs to first have this basic foundation.
Luke 9:26
Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
A person cannot lead others in Christ if they’re ashamed to talk about God themselves. It’s important to be able to speak God’s truth boldly, displaying His glory.
John 14:21
Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.
Being a disciple of Christ means following Him, which means obeying Him. That is how I can show that I love God through my actions.
Luke 14:25-33
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’
“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.
If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, for, “Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved.”
You are saved if you both declare publicly that Christ is Lord and genuinely believe it in your heart, and all who are saved through Christ are also united in Him. Anyone who is in leadership in the church needs to first have this basic foundation.
Luke 9:26
Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.
A person cannot lead others in Christ if they’re ashamed to talk about God themselves. It’s important to be able to speak God’s truth boldly, displaying His glory.
John 14:21
Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.
Being a disciple of Christ means following Him, which means obeying Him. That is how I can show that I love God through my actions.
Luke 14:25-33
Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
“Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’
“Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.
Before deciding to be Christ’s disciple, it’s important to consider what I will have to be willing to give up for Christ’s sake: everything. I have to be willing to leave behind even the things I value the most if it is God’s will, and consider them worthless in comparison to Him.
Luke 6:22
Blessed are you when people hate you, when they exclude you and insult you and reject your name as evil, because of the Son of Man.
Matthew 5:10-12
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.
As a disciple of Christ, people will probably make fun of my faith or act hatefully toward me because of it. I would be blessed because I would know that they were doing it because of Christ, whom the enemy cannot harm.
Philippians 2:14-15
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.” Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky
Children of God should stand out because He set us apart from the rest of the world. People should know us by our blameless and pure lives.
Ephesians 4:1-5
As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:11-16
So Christ himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Christ’s apostles are called to live a life of love, and to help other believers build their faith. All who follow Christ are united in Him, regardless of their spiritual maturity or calling.
Philippians 2:3-8
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:
Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death—even death on a cross!
Like Christ, we (leaders in the Church) are to be servants to others, humbly acting for their good, not out of pride.
John 13:12-17
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
Christ was our example of a servant, teaching his disciples humility and accountability (to wash one another’s feet). He put Himself lower than those He served, and he made them clean. As Christ’s disciples, we should not only be showing the same servant's attitude, but also teaching it to other Christians.
Titus 1:6-9
An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. Since an overseer manages God’s household, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled,upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.
Anyone in church leadership needs to live a lifestyle of righteousness and self-control, so that no one can really hold anything against them. They should not only be knowledgeable about Scripture, but put full faith in it to use it in real life.
James 3:1
Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
People judge teachers by what they say, so anyone who teaches Christ’s gospel must teach what is right and have full control over their tongue, and therefore their whole body, so that they can show and teach others what is right.
1 Peter 3:15
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect
Since leaders are leading the Church, they need to be prepared to give counsel to those who need it. They should point others to Christ’s faithfulness for their hope.
1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
No one is too young to be godly. Those who truly follow God in all aspects of life set an example for other Christians to follow, regardless of age.
Romans 12:1
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
True worship involves your whole self and your whole life, even if it means giving up something, or everything. It is giving up everything to His will.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
My relationship with God needs to be my first priority, above all else. Then I do not need to worry about anything because God will provide for all my needs.
Philippians 3:7-9
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
Compared to the experience of knowing Christ, nothing is really that important. The more I put Him above everything else in my life, the more I will realize my identity in Him and be what His design for me is.
Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us
As much as possible, I have to rid my life of anything that distracts me or leads me away from my relationship with God. Choosing this is a specific lifestyle of godliness, which isn’t always easy or fun, but my perseverance comes from the joy of knowing Christ, who endured far greater trials.
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Those who follow Christ should not put their relationships with unbelievers in such a place in their lives that they could easily be led into sin. Not that Christians should isolate themselves by any means, but we should not mix with the values that the world holds important.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I should focus my thoughts on things that are pleasing to God and keep them pure and Christ-like. This will protect my mind from the enemy's influence.
Philippians 2:12
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling
Though it is God changing us, we still have to put effort and practice into submitting to/obeying Him. It won’t just happen, because it goes against our own sinful nature.
2 Timothy 2:15
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
The way to win God’s approval is to obey what He says and to live according to His Word, not taken out of context or manipulated in any way, but according to its original intent.
Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
God’s word acts as a guide for life, illuminating the darkness by teaching us to know what is right from what is sinful or deceptive.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
God’s Word is not just a book. God uses it to speak to us and help us to determine His will from what isn’t, and even what is good and evil in our own hearts. The more we are tuned in to God’s Word, the more His Spirit will make these things clear.
Matthew 5:17-42
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
While the Pharisees were concerned about following “the letter” of God’s laws, Jesus taught the spirit of them. He didn't come to set a new system that cancelled out God's original commandments. Instead, since He is God, he came (partly) to teach people how to apply God's original laws to their (and our) lives. In order to gain understanding of God’s heart, we first have to act on what we know of it, not twist His words so that we will technically be obeying them.
Romans 8:5-17
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Since the Spirit lives in me, I belong to God, as His child. I now have the opportunity to choose whether to live according to what I want, or to live according to what God wants for me. By submitting to the Spirit, I am able to live God’s way, which gives life and freedom from sin.
Hebrews 13:7-17
Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by eating ceremonial foods, which is of no benefit to those who do so. We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat.
The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.
As a student of many teachers, I need to always be aware of what God says about their teachings so that I won’t be deceived. However, as long as my leaders are not teaching me things that go against God’s truth, I can trust what they teach me.
Matthew 20:25-27
Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave
Being a leader under Christ does not mean being high over those under me, but putting myself below them, serving and caring for them however I can.
Like Christ, we (leaders in the Church) are to be servants to others, humbly acting for their good, not out of pride.
John 13:12-17
When he had finished washing their feet, he put on his clothes and returned to his place. “Do you understand what I have done for you?” he asked them. “You call me ‘Teacher’ and ‘Lord,’ and rightly so, for that is what I am. Now that I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you. Very truly I tell you, no servant is greater than his master, nor is a messenger greater than the one who sent him. Now that you know these things, you will be blessed if you do them.
Christ was our example of a servant, teaching his disciples humility and accountability (to wash one another’s feet). He put Himself lower than those He served, and he made them clean. As Christ’s disciples, we should not only be showing the same servant's attitude, but also teaching it to other Christians.
Titus 1:6-9
An elder must be blameless, faithful to his wife, a man whose children believe and are not open to the charge of being wild and disobedient. Since an overseer manages God’s household, he must be blameless—not overbearing, not quick-tempered, not given to drunkenness, not violent, not pursuing dishonest gain. Rather, he must be hospitable, one who loves what is good, who is self-controlled,upright, holy and disciplined. He must hold firmly to the trustworthy message as it has been taught, so that he can encourage others by sound doctrine and refute those who oppose it.
Anyone in church leadership needs to live a lifestyle of righteousness and self-control, so that no one can really hold anything against them. They should not only be knowledgeable about Scripture, but put full faith in it to use it in real life.
James 3:1
Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.
People judge teachers by what they say, so anyone who teaches Christ’s gospel must teach what is right and have full control over their tongue, and therefore their whole body, so that they can show and teach others what is right.
1 Peter 3:15
But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect
Since leaders are leading the Church, they need to be prepared to give counsel to those who need it. They should point others to Christ’s faithfulness for their hope.
1 Timothy 4:12
Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith and in purity.
No one is too young to be godly. Those who truly follow God in all aspects of life set an example for other Christians to follow, regardless of age.
Romans 12:1
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.
True worship involves your whole self and your whole life, even if it means giving up something, or everything. It is giving up everything to His will.
Matthew 6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
My relationship with God needs to be my first priority, above all else. Then I do not need to worry about anything because God will provide for all my needs.
Philippians 3:7-9
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
Compared to the experience of knowing Christ, nothing is really that important. The more I put Him above everything else in my life, the more I will realize my identity in Him and be what His design for me is.
Hebrews 12:1
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us
As much as possible, I have to rid my life of anything that distracts me or leads me away from my relationship with God. Choosing this is a specific lifestyle of godliness, which isn’t always easy or fun, but my perseverance comes from the joy of knowing Christ, who endured far greater trials.
2 Corinthians 6:14
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Those who follow Christ should not put their relationships with unbelievers in such a place in their lives that they could easily be led into sin. Not that Christians should isolate themselves by any means, but we should not mix with the values that the world holds important.
Philippians 4:8
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
I should focus my thoughts on things that are pleasing to God and keep them pure and Christ-like. This will protect my mind from the enemy's influence.
Philippians 2:12
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling
Though it is God changing us, we still have to put effort and practice into submitting to/obeying Him. It won’t just happen, because it goes against our own sinful nature.
2 Timothy 2:15
Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who does not need to be ashamed and who correctly handles the word of truth.
The way to win God’s approval is to obey what He says and to live according to His Word, not taken out of context or manipulated in any way, but according to its original intent.
Psalm 119:105
Your word is a lamp for my feet, a light on my path.
God’s word acts as a guide for life, illuminating the darkness by teaching us to know what is right from what is sinful or deceptive.
Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.
God’s Word is not just a book. God uses it to speak to us and help us to determine His will from what isn’t, and even what is good and evil in our own hearts. The more we are tuned in to God’s Word, the more His Spirit will make these things clear.
Matthew 5:17-42
“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. For truly I tell you, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven.
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
“Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.
“Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still together on the way, or your adversary may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. Truly I tell you, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.
“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
“Again, you have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘Do not break your oath, but fulfill to the Lord the vows you have made.’ But I tell you, do not swear an oath at all: either by heaven, for it is God’s throne; or by the earth, for it is his footstool; or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the Great King. And do not swear by your head, for you cannot make even one hair white or black. All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one.
“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
While the Pharisees were concerned about following “the letter” of God’s laws, Jesus taught the spirit of them. He didn't come to set a new system that cancelled out God's original commandments. Instead, since He is God, he came (partly) to teach people how to apply God's original laws to their (and our) lives. In order to gain understanding of God’s heart, we first have to act on what we know of it, not twist His words so that we will technically be obeying them.
Romans 8:5-17
Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to God’s law, nor can it do so. Those who are in the realm of the flesh cannot please God.
You, however, are not in the realm of the flesh but are in the realm of the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, they do not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.
Therefore, brothers and sisters, we have an obligation—but it is not to the flesh, to live according to it. For if you live according to the flesh, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live.
For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.
Since the Spirit lives in me, I belong to God, as His child. I now have the opportunity to choose whether to live according to what I want, or to live according to what God wants for me. By submitting to the Spirit, I am able to live God’s way, which gives life and freedom from sin.
Hebrews 13:7-17
Remember your leaders, who spoke the word of God to you. Consider the outcome of their way of life and imitate their faith. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.
Do not be carried away by all kinds of strange teachings. It is good for our hearts to be strengthened by grace, not by eating ceremonial foods, which is of no benefit to those who do so. We have an altar from which those who minister at the tabernacle have no right to eat.
The high priest carries the blood of animals into the Most Holy Place as a sin offering, but the bodies are burned outside the camp. And so Jesus also suffered outside the city gate to make the people holy through his own blood. Let us, then, go to him outside the camp, bearing the disgrace he bore. For here we do not have an enduring city, but we are looking for the city that is to come.
Through Jesus, therefore, let us continually offer to God a sacrifice of praise—the fruit of lips that openly profess his name. And do not forget to do good and to share with others, for with such sacrifices God is pleased.
Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account. Do this so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no benefit to you.
As a student of many teachers, I need to always be aware of what God says about their teachings so that I won’t be deceived. However, as long as my leaders are not teaching me things that go against God’s truth, I can trust what they teach me.
Matthew 20:25-27
Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave
Being a leader under Christ does not mean being high over those under me, but putting myself below them, serving and caring for them however I can.
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