just as dawn breaks, i walk along the cool beach. all is calm, and the ocean's surface gently ripples around my feet. it seems the start to a day as perfect as any sailor could hope for, despite the ominous forecast.
i leave the great outdoors, and turn inside to finish watching the sunrise. is that a hint of red i see? perhaps a wave or two i hadn't noticed before? i'm very glad i live in a Lighthouse.
Friday, March 29, 2013
spring fever
i have it bad this year. hehehe...
it seems like usually when i write here, it's when i have some kind of problem or issue to work through. but that doesn't seem right, since that doesn't represent my mood most of the time. i think it's because it's a lot easier for me to describe reasons why i'm stressed or sad than it is to describe why i'm happy or excited.
today can be different.
i'm not entirely sure what it is. maybe spring break. maybe the awesome weather i've been enjoying more than normal. maybe spending time with friends just playing outside this past weekend. maybe the special worship service we're doing for Easter. maybe the fact that it looks like things are starting to get organized and come together a little. maybe the possibility that i won't have to take summer school this year. maybe awesome music and chords and creativity. maybe going for a bike ride for the first time in a long while. maybe sharing music with different people. maybe browsing the MeTubes and University Wikipedius and finding out about bands and albums i didn't know existed. maybe writing music. maybe playing music, being the one on the learning end of the spectrum. maybe just feeling (and being) highly valued, though i'm not really sure why.
it's probably all of those. the past few days, i've just been feeling generally more free and happy and excited than usual. actually, i'm pretty sure this time off has a lot to do with it.
i'm so excited for summer! ^.^ for several reasons. spring break is a tease though.
i know i'm not quite "there" yet, wherever that is. the knowledge that these next weeks will probably be more stressful than ever still lurks in the recesses of my brain. but at least i can take a breather for a little bit. and spend a few days in a schedule that feels more natural to me. =)
it seems like usually when i write here, it's when i have some kind of problem or issue to work through. but that doesn't seem right, since that doesn't represent my mood most of the time. i think it's because it's a lot easier for me to describe reasons why i'm stressed or sad than it is to describe why i'm happy or excited.
today can be different.
i'm not entirely sure what it is. maybe spring break. maybe the awesome weather i've been enjoying more than normal. maybe spending time with friends just playing outside this past weekend. maybe the special worship service we're doing for Easter. maybe the fact that it looks like things are starting to get organized and come together a little. maybe the possibility that i won't have to take summer school this year. maybe awesome music and chords and creativity. maybe going for a bike ride for the first time in a long while. maybe sharing music with different people. maybe browsing the MeTubes and University Wikipedius and finding out about bands and albums i didn't know existed. maybe writing music. maybe playing music, being the one on the learning end of the spectrum. maybe just feeling (and being) highly valued, though i'm not really sure why.
it's probably all of those. the past few days, i've just been feeling generally more free and happy and excited than usual. actually, i'm pretty sure this time off has a lot to do with it.
i'm so excited for summer! ^.^ for several reasons. spring break is a tease though.
i know i'm not quite "there" yet, wherever that is. the knowledge that these next weeks will probably be more stressful than ever still lurks in the recesses of my brain. but at least i can take a breather for a little bit. and spend a few days in a schedule that feels more natural to me. =)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Acts 1:8?
so i was thinking about witnessing. this Christian club at my school has a HUGE "witnessing" focus, where they'll go out and just share the Gospel with random people. i admire their courage and their intent.
but overall, that way seems generally kind of ineffective to me. i'm not saying all the time, but as far as i've seen. and i could be completely wrong. but at least in an environment where everyone already has some knowledge about God (or they think they do) and has already made a decision against Him, it seems to me like it would be very difficult to convince anyone to change their mind. i've experienced some of that myself. i realize it's not my job to convince anyone, only to tell them, but if i actually care about them, i care about whether they accept this or not. especially if chasing them or acting like i'm trying to sell them something pushes them even further away.
so, if just outright telling people who God is won't work, how do we/i communicate it to them? or, put more complicatedly, how can i show people who God is without them realizing it until they're already attracted to Him?
well that's stupid. trying to make God seem attractive to people? i've seen it done, but in reality, it's even worse than changing yourself to get more friends. people will think they're getting into one thing, then once they realize it's not what they thought it was, they will give up (and be even less likely to come back). and more importantly, if the point is for people to have a relationship with God, would it make sense to show Him off as something else? it would defeat the whole purpose!
ok, so the only alternative, then, is to basically be as much like God as possible, so that if people get to know you, they're seeing God in you without knowing it. (ideally, they would find that out later.)
then i had this really weird thought process. it will probably seem really stupid and obvious, but at the time it seemed revolutionary, so play along, ok? ok. so part of what i have interpreted as growing (indeed, i think it was) in my relationship with God was learning more about myself and becoming more of the unique person i originally was made to be, untainted. so then, if i'm trying to take on the persona of God, wouldn't it be kind of like i'm trying to balance two personalities? (shh! don't laugh!)
God created us all for specific purposes, each individually. but He also created us to have Him live in and through us. so they're not separate; in fact, i'm not even sure they're separable. if you are growing more like Christ, you are automatically and simultaneously growing more like yourself, the way you were intended. it's because you're growing more and more into God's plan for you.
i'm still not sure how i feel about "witnessing." maybe it works sometimes. i don't know. but i think i prefer "witnessing" through relationship, where people don't see Christians trying to sell them something, but rather a Friend trying to give them something.
but overall, that way seems generally kind of ineffective to me. i'm not saying all the time, but as far as i've seen. and i could be completely wrong. but at least in an environment where everyone already has some knowledge about God (or they think they do) and has already made a decision against Him, it seems to me like it would be very difficult to convince anyone to change their mind. i've experienced some of that myself. i realize it's not my job to convince anyone, only to tell them, but if i actually care about them, i care about whether they accept this or not. especially if chasing them or acting like i'm trying to sell them something pushes them even further away.
so, if just outright telling people who God is won't work, how do we/i communicate it to them? or, put more complicatedly, how can i show people who God is without them realizing it until they're already attracted to Him?
well that's stupid. trying to make God seem attractive to people? i've seen it done, but in reality, it's even worse than changing yourself to get more friends. people will think they're getting into one thing, then once they realize it's not what they thought it was, they will give up (and be even less likely to come back). and more importantly, if the point is for people to have a relationship with God, would it make sense to show Him off as something else? it would defeat the whole purpose!
ok, so the only alternative, then, is to basically be as much like God as possible, so that if people get to know you, they're seeing God in you without knowing it. (ideally, they would find that out later.)
then i had this really weird thought process. it will probably seem really stupid and obvious, but at the time it seemed revolutionary, so play along, ok? ok. so part of what i have interpreted as growing (indeed, i think it was) in my relationship with God was learning more about myself and becoming more of the unique person i originally was made to be, untainted. so then, if i'm trying to take on the persona of God, wouldn't it be kind of like i'm trying to balance two personalities? (shh! don't laugh!)
God created us all for specific purposes, each individually. but He also created us to have Him live in and through us. so they're not separate; in fact, i'm not even sure they're separable. if you are growing more like Christ, you are automatically and simultaneously growing more like yourself, the way you were intended. it's because you're growing more and more into God's plan for you.
i'm still not sure how i feel about "witnessing." maybe it works sometimes. i don't know. but i think i prefer "witnessing" through relationship, where people don't see Christians trying to sell them something, but rather a Friend trying to give them something.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
d-day
worry not. that's "d" for "direction" and for "decision". :)
and here it is: i'm deciding not to conform to the path that i always assumed was mine. i'm deciding to give up what is probably more respected for what i think is more likely the right choice (for me anyway). i'm deciding not to over-stress myself if possible.
aside from just not wanting to spend the next however-long of my life just stressing out, and aside from wanting to have more balance, and aside from wanting some guilt-free spare time, there's more. i realized/decided that i'm tired of limbo, of halfpathy (like that? ;D it's when i know i actually care about something but i can't afford the energy to care about it), and of preparation. let me explain: it seems like all during elementary school, and middle school, and high school, the main focus is just preparing you for the next grade. or for college. seriously, isn't that what they've always told you? and then, i've heard several stories where a person gets to college and it's just totally eye-opening to their faith as well as their independence. but it's still preparation. and then you finally get to "live your life" after college.
well, that's all great. and i love stories of people going off and discovering their own faith. but i'm tired of waiting to grow. i'm sure that my environment has worlds to do with it, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for me to be spiritually stagnant now. this is still the real world, whether or not it seems so from my point of view. so why should i live like it's only a phase to get through? i want to actually live life, like it's real. not that i haven't been, but it's been mostly from a scholarly perspective, since that's what i'm supposed to be doing full time. but i can't do justice to the most important things in life (relationships especially, i think) if i'm already fully booked.
i'm still going to try to stretch myself without stressing myself. but i think this is better.
and here it is: i'm deciding not to conform to the path that i always assumed was mine. i'm deciding to give up what is probably more respected for what i think is more likely the right choice (for me anyway). i'm deciding not to over-stress myself if possible.
aside from just not wanting to spend the next however-long of my life just stressing out, and aside from wanting to have more balance, and aside from wanting some guilt-free spare time, there's more. i realized/decided that i'm tired of limbo, of halfpathy (like that? ;D it's when i know i actually care about something but i can't afford the energy to care about it), and of preparation. let me explain: it seems like all during elementary school, and middle school, and high school, the main focus is just preparing you for the next grade. or for college. seriously, isn't that what they've always told you? and then, i've heard several stories where a person gets to college and it's just totally eye-opening to their faith as well as their independence. but it's still preparation. and then you finally get to "live your life" after college.
well, that's all great. and i love stories of people going off and discovering their own faith. but i'm tired of waiting to grow. i'm sure that my environment has worlds to do with it, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for me to be spiritually stagnant now. this is still the real world, whether or not it seems so from my point of view. so why should i live like it's only a phase to get through? i want to actually live life, like it's real. not that i haven't been, but it's been mostly from a scholarly perspective, since that's what i'm supposed to be doing full time. but i can't do justice to the most important things in life (relationships especially, i think) if i'm already fully booked.
i'm still going to try to stretch myself without stressing myself. but i think this is better.
Friday, March 15, 2013
creepy pe people
i was on my way to the office the other day after school to make some
copies for orchestra, when i passed this guy in my PE class (who i had
talked to like one time ever)...
GUY: Hey, how are you?
ME: Mm... pretty good, how are you?
GUY: I'm good. Where are you going?
ME: I'm going to the office. I have to make some copies.
GUY: Mind if I walk with you?
Really???
ME: Um... I guess you can if you want to.
GUY: Why not?
Dude, what are you doing? Really?
he clarified my name (pronouncing it incorrectly), so i corrected him, and when he seemed bummed that he got it wrong, i told him most people did. and he introduced himself. he then proceeded to tell me how he almost got hit by a car that day because he was jaywalking. he still seemed surprised, though he admitted that it was kind of stupid. i don't think i said much; what was i going to say, "Yeah that was pretty dumb,"? anyway, we were just kinda making small talk as i walked to the office. he turned as though he were going to go somewhere.
GUY: Well, I would ask for your number...
Whoa... hold on. What!!??!?!?!?!
GUY(cont.): ...but I'm actually grounded right now. Maybe another time?
Umm.... maybe not!!
ME: Well, you can ask.
GUY: Oh, but I might not get it?
ME: Maybe not.
GUY: Oh, ok, well I'll see you later! (He actually turned to leave this time)
ME: See you!
nothing personal. i would say that to anyone. that was so weird though. even weirder than the time a girl in my PE class asked about my heritage, then told me that i had a "voluptuous tush." PE is a scary place, full of scary people. i'm glad i don't have to take it again after this year.
GUY: Hey, how are you?
ME: Mm... pretty good, how are you?
GUY: I'm good. Where are you going?
ME: I'm going to the office. I have to make some copies.
GUY: Mind if I walk with you?
Really???
ME: Um... I guess you can if you want to.
GUY: Why not?
Dude, what are you doing? Really?
he clarified my name (pronouncing it incorrectly), so i corrected him, and when he seemed bummed that he got it wrong, i told him most people did. and he introduced himself. he then proceeded to tell me how he almost got hit by a car that day because he was jaywalking. he still seemed surprised, though he admitted that it was kind of stupid. i don't think i said much; what was i going to say, "Yeah that was pretty dumb,"? anyway, we were just kinda making small talk as i walked to the office. he turned as though he were going to go somewhere.
GUY: Well, I would ask for your number...
Whoa... hold on. What!!??!?!?!?!
GUY(cont.): ...but I'm actually grounded right now. Maybe another time?
Umm.... maybe not!!
ME: Well, you can ask.
GUY: Oh, but I might not get it?
ME: Maybe not.
GUY: Oh, ok, well I'll see you later! (He actually turned to leave this time)
ME: See you!
nothing personal. i would say that to anyone. that was so weird though. even weirder than the time a girl in my PE class asked about my heritage, then told me that i had a "voluptuous tush." PE is a scary place, full of scary people. i'm glad i don't have to take it again after this year.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Don't Be There---Switchfoot
i mentioned this before. i have come to LOVE this song because i can relate to it so well. and i will explain why. but not tonight. too late, and too much type 2 in my type 1 EBS. =D anyway...
Don't be there
Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way
And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way
And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
I'm down here
I'm down here
And you're way up there
That doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square
If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be around
Don't be there
Don't be there
Don't be there
Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way
And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way
And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
I'm down here
I'm down here
And you're way up there
That doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square
If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side
And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same
I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?
And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be around
Don't be there
Don't be there
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
repost: the best kind of ships
relationships of course! =)
wow... i think this weird schedule is getting to me. ahh... music, both new and old, and old-new, is one of my favoriteest things. :)
anyway. guest blogger: elmadu!!!
ok. on with it.
quick(ish) background: i realized the other day as i was thinking about these questions is that the reason i am so cautious and distrustful when it comes to relationships and even well-intending people is not because i am introverted or shy, but because i have been disappointed too many times. once upon a time, i would make friends just by asking, and anyone who wanted in on my friendship circle was welcome. but moving (actually, probably just getting older) sent me into a different world. even as early as second grade, i would make friendships only to be left out of them or to be subconsciously dubbed not cool/popular/[fill in the blank] enough for them. sometime between seventh and ninth grade, i came to the subconscious realization (even more than i already had) how incredibly stupid this was. i stopped automatically accepting as a good friend anyone who showed interest, and started hardening [more of] a defense, learning to recognize situations that would later leave me high and dry. better to invest little and lose little, right? to choose loneliness rather than have it thrust upon me later. which i think is often a good call of discernment, to be a little picky and choosy. the thing is, even before my "shield" was as developed as it is now, i found that it left me lonely more often than i was ok with. which also makes sense, since humans are designed to interact with one another. even now, i have few whom i would actually consider close friends, and even fewer whom i would rank more than a detached closeness. it's like the difference between liking someone a lot (as a friend :) and being able to trust them to be a good friend back to you. BUT!!! the upside to this system (as i have more recently realized) is that when i find truly quality friendships, they are some of the most excitingly satisfying experiences that i have yet encountered.
what is essential in a person for them to build a good relationship with you?
what do you value most in your current close friends?
i admit, in some cases i have been extremely spoiled with friends that were/are more than i ever could have expected or asked for. for this, i will include all of my friends, with the qualities they have. some of the things i appreciate the most in my current friendships are...
over the past couple of years, and especially this past year, my best friends (not necessarily my "closest," though in a way they are, but those who are best for me) have been unconsciously teaching me how to be a good friend, just by their example. the hard part for me is learning how to follow that, and to be that impactful in others' lives, which i hope will start to come more naturally as my relationship with God deepens and my priorities fall more and more into place.
[guest posted on moon-bathing 2/11/13]
wow... i think this weird schedule is getting to me. ahh... music, both new and old, and old-new, is one of my favoriteest things. :)
anyway. guest blogger: elmadu!!!
ok. on with it.
quick(ish) background: i realized the other day as i was thinking about these questions is that the reason i am so cautious and distrustful when it comes to relationships and even well-intending people is not because i am introverted or shy, but because i have been disappointed too many times. once upon a time, i would make friends just by asking, and anyone who wanted in on my friendship circle was welcome. but moving (actually, probably just getting older) sent me into a different world. even as early as second grade, i would make friendships only to be left out of them or to be subconsciously dubbed not cool/popular/[fill in the blank] enough for them. sometime between seventh and ninth grade, i came to the subconscious realization (even more than i already had) how incredibly stupid this was. i stopped automatically accepting as a good friend anyone who showed interest, and started hardening [more of] a defense, learning to recognize situations that would later leave me high and dry. better to invest little and lose little, right? to choose loneliness rather than have it thrust upon me later. which i think is often a good call of discernment, to be a little picky and choosy. the thing is, even before my "shield" was as developed as it is now, i found that it left me lonely more often than i was ok with. which also makes sense, since humans are designed to interact with one another. even now, i have few whom i would actually consider close friends, and even fewer whom i would rank more than a detached closeness. it's like the difference between liking someone a lot (as a friend :) and being able to trust them to be a good friend back to you. BUT!!! the upside to this system (as i have more recently realized) is that when i find truly quality friendships, they are some of the most excitingly satisfying experiences that i have yet encountered.
what is essential in a person for them to build a good relationship with you?
- understanding. the person has to be able (or at least willing to try) to understand my views and interests, and why i make the decisions that i do. not that i would condemn them for not understanding or anything; i am more complex than i sometimes seem. but the effort has to be there.
- realness. obviously anyone with false intentions would fall out of this category, but also anyone putting up an overly-polite, overly-charismatic, or overly-eager-to-please shield. who am i actually befriending? i have to know you in order to be close to you.
- acceptance. i can't constantly be afraid to make a fool of myself. it happens a lot.
- value. the person has to truly enjoy me for who i am, not for any mask or show i put on. also, i don't want to have to worry about being left out or forgotten very often.
- mutual effort. i was also going to add "commitment of some degree" as another separate bullet, but i think that actually falls under this. example: the phone rings at both ends, yo.
- listening and opening up. the relationship can't be all about one person or the other. i want to be able to tell you something (or even ask you something) and know that you are listening. but i also want to hear what you have to say, especially if it is relevant, or especially especially if you really need to tell someone.
- balanced humor and seriousness. few things bother me more than the inability to take anything seriously. we have to be able to hold meaningful and intelligent conversation. at the same time though, the person has to be able to enjoy life, to lighten up at the right times.
what do you value most in your current close friends?
i admit, in some cases i have been extremely spoiled with friends that were/are more than i ever could have expected or asked for. for this, i will include all of my friends, with the qualities they have. some of the things i appreciate the most in my current friendships are...
- everything above. even without anything else, all that stuff is the kind of thing [are the kinds of things?] that give[s] me more excitement and thought about friendships even outside of them.
- musical similarity. since i am greatly affected by music, having other friends who also are helps me to better understand and connect with them, and vice versa.
- putting me out of my comfort zone. weird, but true. not all the time, but i find i appreciate the occasional extra force to do something, for my own good or for the good of others, that i would normally opt against.
- superiority. not the arrogant kind, but the experiential kind. some of my friendships have actually been situated in such a way that i can constantly learn from those around me!
- certain kinds of irresponsibility/shortcoming. hmm... this can get a tad confusing and undefined, but one example for me would be procrastination. in some cases, a friend has stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning with me (over email chat) as we finished the same project. or, similarly, if we both did really badly on a test or something, or (more seriously) if we find that we both struggle with something. it's the support factor.
- similar goals/values/interests. this is pretty self-explanatory, but it always helps with understanding one another.
- mentorship. kind of similar to the superiority one, but this is more specific to wisdom, especially of the spiritual kind.
- good sense of humor. some of my favorite times with friends have been when we could just laugh over stuff, whether legitimately funny, or corny funny, or just late-night stupid funny.
- comfortability. i actually don't mind some fun at my expense (sometimes i kind of enjoy it... shhh...) as long as there is no hidden meaning and it isn't carried too far (which honestly, would be kind of far if it was someone whom i trusted). it's like this: if i were to put into words the thoughts that the person was thinking subconsciously (in my understanding), they would say something like, "i know it's ok to poke fun at you because i know that you know that i am totally joking and that i value you."
over the past couple of years, and especially this past year, my best friends (not necessarily my "closest," though in a way they are, but those who are best for me) have been unconsciously teaching me how to be a good friend, just by their example. the hard part for me is learning how to follow that, and to be that impactful in others' lives, which i hope will start to come more naturally as my relationship with God deepens and my priorities fall more and more into place.
[guest posted on moon-bathing 2/11/13]
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