fresh out of sorts

i hate this way.



i want to sleep, but i don't want to go to bed having done nothing.  i want to get out, but have no idea where i would go.  i don't want to be alone, yet i can't think of a single person i want to be with (no offense please, Reader).  

i have a million things i can do and a million more things i should do, yet i have no motivation because i'm so bored with it all.  i have the ability to pursue almost anything, but nothing is exciting me.

i have God-given potential and purpose, but my existence at this stage doesn't seem to be quite fulfilling it.  i am always so busy spending all of my time accomplishing nothing.

in fact, i don't even know why i'm writing here--it seems so pointless.

pointless, useless, listless, restless.

i know why.  it has to do with the amount of good i'm doing for anyone right now.  actually, it probably has more to do with the amount of good i feel that i'm doing (in a permanent or meaningful way) for anyone who needs something.  and the amount of good i feel that i'm not able to do for them.  i admit that my view might be skewed, but still.

i think i'm relying too much on myself.  that's why.  i suppose.

the sliver of silver lining is that lots of new beginnings are potentially just around the corner.

maybe i'll just go to bed anyway.  then i can wake up and busy myself doing something that seems like it matters.

a new chapter unfolds

thanks for all your prayers.  after much, much deliberation, i have finally come (/been led) to a scholarly decision about next year.  and, what's more, i have started to make some goals and plans about things beyond that (which are, of course, very subject to change, but it's a start and a drive at least).  this isn't a particularly spiritual post, but since i asked so many people to pray for me in this area, it seemed only appropriate.

cream and black coffee

"Oh, sometimes I think it is of no use to make friends. They only go out of your life after awhile and leave a hurt that is worse than the emptiness before they came."
~Miss Lavendar Lewis, Anne of Avonlea


it's this time of year in multiple instances.

i miss so many people.  it seems like whenever i start getting close to someone, they disappear in one way or another.

sometimes i feel that it would be better to give up pursuing intimacy with anyone (of the earthly variety) and find a way to make myself be ok with it so that it wouldn't hurt so much when people leave.


(p.s.: would you believe that i actually had this post pretty much written before i came across the quote in a book?)

education with introspectacles

i feel like i've grown up more in the past year than all the others combined.  i've had opportunity to observe how i deal with some aspects of painful and ugly... and it's been educational and fascinating, to say the least.

• if something has me down or depressed for too long, eventually my mind just dumps it, or at least pushes it aside.  staying down for that long would probably literally drive me insane.
• this is a good and useful defense mechanism.  however, sometimes it causes me to move past things too quickly or to leave them where they can rot without me knowing it.  sometimes it also forces me to be a little dishonest with myself.
• almost any amount of pain or other discomfort i feel i will almost always go out of my way to hide, unless i know i can rely on the person i'm with to understand me.  and believe me, after years of practice, i've become a pretty good everyday actress.

unwavering wavering

i hate it when i look at something from every possible angle and i roll it over and over and over in my head and try to figure it out, and come to an almost certain conclusion but then let it rest for a while just in case, and then later find my mindset in the complete opposite way, and then think and pray on it some more, and then set it down for a while, and then come back to it and roll it around some more...

...and it still stands unresolved (or in this case, undecided).

please pray for direction and my understanding (especially for next year).  He will show me, i am confident.

pressing on

just keep going keep going never stop don't ever give up or quit just keep moving keep working keep doing keep going keep doing something don't ever stop not ever not even for a moment or you will not be able to pick it up again so just keep writing keep working keep moving keep breathing don't rest yet don't pause don't even blink, just keep going, keep going, keeeep goooiiing, gggooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggggggggg..............................

wind tag: Elpis to help us

no feelings are the best of all because they are safe.  they'll
never threaten to misguide,
or ever backstab;
forever constantly sustained, and
protection from all pain.
having known a joy is slightly better than knowing you had never known it,
but what if you never knew
how much you had missed?
ignorant bliss.

yet what could be worse than apathy about the thing you craved the most?
if you woke up one morning to see that the sun didn't light up your face when it rose?
or has there really ever been light at all?  perhaps everything really has always been
dark and cold and lonely,
and the rest was only a dream.

or maybe it was real.
it was so beautiful,
and then i realized my fears that it wasn't for me.
not for my eyes, nor my ears, nor any senses.
the feelings were all mine, but not the experiences.

but it was all real.  a dream that came true, miraculously mine, but later lost.  or perhaps just misplaced?

teasing, infuriating is the middle ground, the sound
of that which may be, but you can't be sure.
maybe it's meant to be,
maybe just in reach,
or it may be that it will simply be torn again, leaving you
with your security breached; worn and broken.
the mystery beckons like the cat in the box,
but you can't reckon until it unlocks and opens.
then, for better or worse, it will be unleashed--
whether blessing or curse, beautiful letdown or painful confirmation,
regardless--revealing there was only ever
one Hope for all of man.

a new day

so i was thinking yesterday (shocking!), and my thoughts wandered to this blog.  and i realized that its original purpose is not being fulfilled if i don't follow through with things.  especially if the things i don't follow through with are resolutions.  also especially if no one has been told of them in person either.

SO... this post.  i planned to not write anything else on this topic after one called "trustrating."  (go find it if you want, but the whole thing is so revolting to me... i wouldn't recommend it).  my reasoning was that i didn't want to draw too much attention to something that didn't seem like it should be a big deal.  but after that post... it still kept hurting, and i still thought about it kind of a lot.  a little (erm...lot)  more vulnerability, a few (or something) more tears, a little more prayer, a little more reconciliation, bla bla bla....

anyway... that post was the learning experience.  this one is the resolution.  the point is that a couple months ago i very intentionally made an important decision.  the decision to stop picking at scabs.  to allow feelings of guilt or anger or confusion or resentment to die of neglect and undernourishment, and to move forward.  "you gotta put your behind in your past."  i'm not saying i'm totally healed yet, necessarily, though i truly believe that God led me to this point.  but i am saying, on behalf of two(ish) months ago, that i am refusing to allow this to fester or eat at me any longer.

i am also saying that i need to find a way to not let my blog die of neglect, while still being temporally responsible.  :)