why is perfectionism?

what exactly do you hope to gain through perfection? or else, what are you afraid to lose without it?

the lie is two-sided. one, that perfection is attainable at all. and two, that it will accomplish that goal.

a repeated realization

i counted my wants as irrelevant for so long, it’s hard now for me to figure out what they are.

crushing the void

here’s another weird feeling: a situation is at a loss for not having something/someone there, but the reality of having that thing/person there would make the situation worse.

ramblings of a noisy mind

i just realized how quiet it is in the house.

that's not unusual; it's usually very quiet here, unless i make special efforts to have more noise in the house. which, let's be honest, i do more than i would like to admit.

but sometimes, even when it's quiet, my brain will go on and on and on, and it keeps me so occupied that i am oblivious to the lack of anything else happening. no joke--once, i was on a class backpacking trip, and there was a day we were instructed to be alone from about 3pm until about 8 or 9 the following morning. (alone as in, like, behind a rock or a tree or something. i wasn't just wandering through the woods by myself.) it was a big transition period for me, and i had a lot that i was only just starting to process through, and also a lot of recent philosophy assignments adding way too much fuel to the fire. so anyway, as the sun was setting (roughly 9pm) (for emphasis, SIX HOURS later), it occurred to me that there were hardly any other noises. everyone was on their own, and it was very quiet.

i took such a deep dive into my mind, with so little sensory realization, that it hadn't hit me until six hours later that there was, comparatively, not much to sense.

but sometimes, it's a nice realization. like my brain has finally worn itself out, and can come back to interact with the real world.

irrational function

wanna know something kind of interesting? i am obsessed with productivity and efficiency. it's not something i've spent a lot of time realizing, which is somewhat baffling, since i spend most moments every day thinking about how to be more productive, how to get done all the things i want to do, how to work more efficiently. (side note: i actually think this type of thinking is pretty common, and can actually be kind of harmful if taken to extremes. i'm remembering the feeling of guilt i would get in college when i would take a nap or watch a tv show or spend time with friends.) it's funny because i tend toward a rather slow working pace in a lot of things. but when it comes to figuring out the most efficient way to do something, my brain tends to work on those kinds of problems instinctively, sometimes without me even trying.

seriously. one time, i was joking with a friend who tends toward similar existential thought processes as i do--and also similar types of humor. we were saying, wouldn't it be interesting if we could, instead of experiencing our character growth gradually over the course of a lifetime, go through it all in a condensed period of time--all at once, basically--and then we could finish life young, and it would be super efficient? and then we laughed at the thought of it. my philosophy teacher was sitting near us. i don't think he understood why we found it funny. he looked vaguely concerned.

wanna know something silly though? even when it comes to my emotions, i approach it with the goal of productivity. grief is something to get through, or crying is fine because it's a tool to help me process something, or sadness is a key to solving some kind of inner dilemma or understanding something about myself better. it accomplishes a purpose, so the best thing i can do with it is learn as much as i can from these emotions. even this blog--what is it at times besides a striving to make sense of everything i'm feeling? surely, if i think more about the origins of my feelings, they will make sense, right? but as i experience more of life, i'm finding there are times when i can't pinpoint a specific reason or thought process associated with my emotions. sometimes, it isn't even clear what emotions i'm feeling, only that whatever it is, there's a lot of it. and that is super frustrating--how am i supposed to work through the emotion if i don't even know what it is?

i tend to see emotions as windows into the mind. i am not convinced by the line of thinking that they generally serve as a good guide; rather, i think they are most helpful for understanding what i truly want and value.

but actually, maybe, sometimes, all emotions need to do is to be felt.

i'll go first

. . . is what i would say if two other people hadn't already not procrastinated and beaten me to it.

1. what is your name? 

elisa (or e-duff, depending on whom i'm talking to)

2. who are you?

i am created in God's image. i am the disciple Jesus loves.

3. what is your quest?

to bear God's image as accurately as possible, and to know him as well as possible.

4. who is God?

the Creator, Sustainer, and Lover of the world. the Essence and Source of all that is good.

5. how are you? 

this is probably the hardest question on here. i am alive. i am able to support myself financially. i am surrounded on all sides by kind and thoughtful people. by those metrics alone, i am doing better than at least 99% of the world (debatably much more than that if we factor in the "alive" part). mentally and emotionally, i have been much more stable and happy in almost all other seasons of my life. these past few days, i have felt very loved. in this moment, i feel slightly above normal because i've been exercising. so, in the vernacular, and on the average--ok, i guess?

6. on a scale of 1-10, rate this year for you.

2.5, probably

7. what was your favorite part of this year?

having adopted and developing a relationship with my cat. also, trusting my parents fully.

8. what was your least favorite part of this year?

probably all the times that my brain became an echo chamber and i could no longer define what right and wrong were, or whether i was capable of doing anything good or worthwhile at all, and i thought maybe my whole existence was inconsequential at best or a nuisance at worst.

9. what is something you've been thinking about lately? 

what is friendship? do i have realistic expectations in this area? how can i become a better friend? would i ever want to get married? how can i find ways to refuel my energy and motivation? how can i develop a realistic and sustainable daily routine, in which i get done the most essential things?

10. what is the best movie you've seen in the last year, and why did you like it? 

not to beat a dead horse, but Lord of the Rings really does get better every time i watch it, especially the extended edition. this time it struck me how much of a burden the ring grows to be on Frodo, and how it gradually corrupts him, taking not only his future, but his very nature. which makes Sam's love all the more powerful, because he is fiercely steadfast and loyal, even to the point of foolhardiness. also Aragorn's love for his friends and commitment to them is so beautiful, and instead of creating conflict when he has to choose to become king, they embolden him to take it on. and even the love between Merry and Pippin, and . . . so anyway, it has great character dynamics and growth, and is inspiring soul food, and very quotable. the end.

or else, maybe my favorite movie i saw for the first time was School of Rock, since both the topic and the philosophy of it hit home on a variety of levels, and the comedy is great, and Jack Black is pure gold in that movie.

11. what have you learned in the past year?

how to forgive

12. what do you hope to do in the next year?

make some musical recordings that i deem good enough to share

13. how do you hope to grow in the next year?

improve in my communication and punctuality, in no particular order. also i want to be more genuinely kind and generous habitually.

14. what's a book you've wanted to read for a long time, but haven't yet?

The Princess Bride

15. what do you like about yourself?

my wit and ability to notice things that could be easy to miss. my willingness to try new things. my openness to others' experiences or ideas. my curiosity about a wide variety of topics and hobbies. my appreciation for artistry. my deep commitment to those i love. my integrity to both my values and my experiences. my ability to dive deeply into thoughts.

16. what do you dislike about yourself?

the difficulty i have asserting myself in social situations. the difficulty i have keeping up with emails and texts. the difficulty i have getting places on time. the difficulty i have with even simple disciplines. my tendency to shy away from situations that could make me appear foolish or judgmental. my deep-seated desire to impress other people. my tendency to dive too deeply into thoughts. but actually, i dislike myself the most when i am jealous, which tends to draw me further away from everything i would like to become.

17. what is my best quality?

possibly perseverance in the face of ill odds.

18. what is my worst quality?

possibly my propensity for self pity. or my bent toward perfectionism.

19. what fictional character do you aspire to be like?

Rapha Hadassah, because of her integrity and courage. or Uncle Iroh, because he uses the brutality of his life's experiences to learn how to treat others with kindness and wisdom.

20. which fictional character am i most like?

Haruhi Fujioka, in that she is pretty sarcastic and pragmatic, but soft-hearted, and she is driven to accomplish her goals, but finds out that friendship is much more important to her. also, she doesn't define herself by the roles that are expected of her, but just strives to improve her character.

21. what characteristics are essential in a friend?

i have enough thoughts on this to fill several long posts all on their own (and i have! and i probably will again before too long!), and also, i'm still developing my ideas about this, but at this point, i would probably boil it down to loyalty, honesty, sensitivity, and mutual effort.

22. what is something you've i've wanted to communicate to me, but never have [don't remember often enough]?

it's ok to feel your feelings, even if they are unpleasant or don't align with the line of logic you would like them to.

23. what do you i want from me?

rest. please.

24. what would you i like me to expect from you myself?

mercy, for others and myself

25. if you i could occupy any place in my life, what would that look like?

all of it.

26. how can i be a better friend to you myself?

be gentler, and take care of my physical body better.

27. if you were a superhero, what would your power be?

the ability to manipulate sound waves would be pretty rad. although, i'd say if i could know whether or not what someone was saying was known to be factually true, or maybe whether or not the person believed what they were saying was true, that would probably win out. basically either superhuman intelligence or superhuman insight.

28. what is one thing you i wish i would ask you myself [more]?

does this thought line up with the things you know to be true?

29. what is one thing you i wish i knew about you myself?

what exactly are my motives in [insert situation]?

30. what would a successful life look like for you?

a life that made people think, "oh, that must be kind of how God is to us." also, a life of contentment and joy and hope, regardless of circumstances.

31. what do you wish no one would see?

my moral failings, like pride or self-righteousness

32. what is your pet conspiracy theory or fake existential problem?

call me old-fashioned, but i still find the idea of The Matrix pretty interesting.

33. what is one characteristic that the world needs more of?

humility in general, and especially the variety that allows you to consider that you may be wrong, and admit to it.

34. what is something you would like to try sometime?

more types of ballroom dancing. singing lessons. therapy. maybe being in a romantic relationship that seems like a good idea.

35. what is something you want to do, but are afraid of?

songwriting

36. what is one of your fondest memories?

the day Laurel and Margaret and i took the train to Hanford and got ice cream, and then sat outside the library and took turns reading chapters of our books to each other, and then we took Laurel home and ate with her family, and then on the way back Margaret introduced me to AJR, and i cried a lot in the car, and she told me she loved all of me.

37. what movie should everyone see, and why? 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. aside from the creativity employed in the film-making, it gently emphasizes the importance of everyday moments and individual growth, even in the midst of the actual adventures the characters face. the main conflict is in the main character's own mind, and is dealt with in the ways he approaches the world around him, which i find to be enticingly relatable. alternatively . . . i mean, Lord of the Rings.

38. what are you proudest of?

though i have a hard time associating much gladness with the particular season or day it happened, i'm still pretty proud of building a rube goldberg machine.

39. insert a question here and answer it. 

will i do this?

no.

(prank'd!)

40. what is one question you've had for a while, which you don't have an answer to?

assuming that faith is a gift from God, how does that work together with human free will?

pquestionnaire

this is the first time i've done something like this, but this is sort of an experiment to better understand my friends and myself. you (present or future) are welcome to answer any amount or combination of the questions, including all or none of them. in the event of ambiguity in the questions, you are welcome to interpret the questions however you choose. this survey will remain open, and i would be grateful for your thoughts regardless of timing; however, if you are answering this at the time of output, i would be especially grateful if i could receive answers by the end of 2021.

1. what is your name?
2. who are you?
3. what is your quest?
4. who is God?
5. how are you?
6. on a scale of 1-10, rate this year for you.
7. what was your favorite part of this year?
8. what was your least favorite part of this year?
9. what is something you've been thinking about lately?
10. what is the best movie you've seen in the last year, and why did you like it?
11. what have you learned in the past year?
12. what do you hope to do in the next year?
13. how do you hope to grow in the next year?
14. what's a book you've wanted to read for a long time, but haven't yet?
15. what do you like about yourself?
16. what do you dislike about yourself?
17. what is my best quality?
18. what is my worst quality?
19. what fictional character do you aspire to be like?
20. which fictional character am i most like?
21. what characteristics are essential in a friend?
22. what is something you've wanted to communicate to me, but never have?
23. what do you want from me?
24. what would you like me to expect from you?
25. if you could occupy any place in my life, what would that look like?
26. how can i be a better friend to you?
27. if you were a superhero, what would your power be?
28. what is one thing you wish i would ask you?
29. what is one thing you wish i knew about you?
30. what would a successful life look like for you?
31. what do you wish no one would see?
32. what is your pet conspiracy theory or fake existential problem?
33. what is one characteristic that the world needs more of?
34. what is something you would like to try sometime?
35. what is something you want to do, but are afraid of?
36. what is one of your fondest memories?
37. what movie should everyone see, and why?
38. what are you proudest of?
39. insert a question here and answer it.
40. what is one question you've had for a while, which you don't have an answer to?

thank you for your time and thoughts!

stars

i can't express what your friendship means to me. this was my hardest year so far, but your love and support has made it closer to bearable, and the times i get to spend with you are bright spots. thank you . . . doesn't at all cover how grateful i am for and to you.

love always, &c

ok

accusations and counterarguments bounce around uninvited in my head all day long, and my emotional state keeps fluctuating between being paralyzingly sad and being too exhausted to feel or want anything, like a bruise that you've poked at too many times, though if i'm honest, a mixture of both exhausted and sad is more the norm, and--

i am so tired.

i'm too ****ing young 
to feel so ****ing old, 
but i'll try and i'll try and i'll try. 
but i'm not dead yet, 
so i guess i'll be alright.

"OK Overture," AJR

a kind of nostalgia

 "part of me misses it, but i'm not sure if i miss it enough to go back, even though i could," is a really weird feeling.

"i love all of you"

 i love it, and i say this without the slightest hint of irony, when people ask me questions about myself or what i think or feel, because then i feel like i have permission to say those things. like they care about what i have to say. i especially like it when the question is some version of "i know this is something hard you are/have been dealing with. how are you feeling?" because then i feel like i have permission to be real, even if "real" does not mean "stable" or "happy." like they want to know all of me, not just the fun parts.

contradictions

why do i withdraw when i'm lonely?

why do i want to be heard, but then don't communicate?

uncomfortably like self care

for so long, i have put so little relevance on what i want, that for some things, i've forgotten how to care. it turns out that dismissing everything that matters to me is a good path to burnout. when i put no validation on my desires, it's easy to forget that they are required for some of my relationships.

retropost: the original draft response to something i no longer remember the context for at all, but it still seems important

i will try to do better. i say often that i have a hard time texting people back, to the extent that sometimes i'm at risk of writing it off as a permanent character trait. truthfully, i've put a number of measures in my routine that are supposed to help, but they aren't working. i need to get better at communicating promptly in order to show the truth that i actually do care, but i don't know how to improve.

. . . sorry, i'm making this about me again. i understand and will try to find a better way to respond to things with the time and energy i have available.

speaking from experience, i cannot be relied on to reply during work hours. that is a boundary i must set in order to give my best to the things in front of me, and not keep interrupting in order to have text conversations. so that means i need to have more consistent times before and after work, and maybe at lunch, for communication efforts. you sent that on Saturday, so my reasoning must have been based on a lack of energy rather than time. i do not yet know how to reckon with deficiencies and inconsistencies in my energy levels.

musings on romance

here's to getting gut-level honest, more as a record and as a personal catharsis than anything else. i'd normally shy away a little from being quite so bare, even here, but hardly anyone reads it anymore anyway (and let's be honest, few people ever did). so it probably doesn't matter that much anyway.

i don't know if this is a problem with me or the society i live in--probably both. i suppose failure to adapt to the world one lives in is a kind of personal flaw in itself. i've thought for a while that we--Christian and secular Americans alike--put a frankly incomprehensible emphasis on romance, sex, and marriage.

now before you, imaginary reader, protest, yes. i understand that there are definite merits to these things. i understand that i am prone to having unpopular opinions on many subjects, not just this one. and i am almost certain that there is some kind of inherent element in the way most people think and are motivated that i must almost certainly be missing. i have wondered many times if i might be some flavor of what many secular people would call "asexual," or what many Christians would call "having the gift of singleness"--a phrase on which i have so many thoughts that it warrants a whole post all on its own.

"give it time, you just haven't found the right person yet." sure. maybe. i have no concrete evidence, since it's difficult to gather concrete evidence for personal mental trends in comparison to others' personal mental trends. it's also much more difficult to prove that something isn't there than proving that something is there. as an example, many people first start experiencing sexual attraction when they're in their early teens. it was something i thought about as little as possible outside of health class. many people start dating in high school. but i mean, i pretty much kept my head down and did my work, which kept me pretty focused. many people start getting into serious romantic relationships in college. when i was 19, it started occurring to me that maybe it wasn't really normal for someone my age to still find the idea of sex vaguely repulsive. and now, as increasing numbers of my friends are getting married (or planning to), it's hard not to think about the fact that at 24 (almost 25), i have never actually dated anyone, and the closest i've felt to sexual attraction was thinking that if one specific person wanted to kiss me, maybe i wouldn't object, more out of curiosity than anything. the point is, i think my perspective is not typical.

a couple other elements about my romantic history (or, more pertinently, my lack thereof): i have had a few of what i would define as crushes before, one of which may borderline on being too intense for the connotations associated with the word, but that's not the point. i do not crush easily. i have had roughly two people express interest in dating me before, but in both situations, i was not romantically attracted to the person, and did not want to force myself to manufacture feelings for them. why try to force a situation to become more complicated? that's what i thought the one time i was friends with the one asking--that's probably pretty revealing about my mindset.

so it's not impossible that someone could be interested in me in that way. and it's not impossible for me to be interested in someone else in that way, though maybe it's complicated. but the odds of both of those things happening, let alone in a situation where it would actually be a good idea to form a close relationship with that person, seem to me to be so astronomically improbable that it seems most likely that i will always be single. yes, i understand that that doesn't necessarily follow. it's still difficult to believe.

it's also difficult not to make value statements based on that line of thinking. "why would anyone like me?" "is there something wrong with me that i'm blind to?" and that sort of thing. again, i know it doesn't follow. it's one of those things i keep having to fight with the weapon of logic on days like today. it's not actually about the relationship, but what being in one says about you. man, i hate that.

it's worth noting that i know people whose greatest desire is to be married. it's the relationship they want more than anything, more even than the person they would be in relationship with. with me, it's different. i think marriage is a beautiful institution, valuable for all sorts of reasons, and i would not be against it for myself eventually. but frankly, it terrifies me, which is more than enough for me not to take it lightly. but. the most intense desire for a romantic relationship i've ever had was not even specifically for the relationship. what i wanted was that person's affection, his preference. a unique kind of comradeship. his partnership and company--even if in a group setting. obviously, those are all elements of a healthy romantic relationship, but most of them are not unique to that context. furthermore, before that point, i was perfectly content being single. it wasn't the relationship i wanted, but the person.

more to the point (finally!): it's not being single that bothers me. it's just that the more things change and people get married and even start families, the more conscious i become of the unsteady nature of my situation. everyone moves on, and most people grow apart eventually. nothing can change that fact, but part of the idea of marriage is that that person is essentially your traveling buddy. where you go, they go, what you do, they do. your interests and concerns become their interests and concerns, and your lives become entwined. you probably have more problems with this person than with any other, but there's no longer any question of that being the issue that separates you, because you have made an agreement in no uncertain terms to stick together. (i'm not naïve about divorce, but that's not what i'm talking about right now. i'm not speaking to the breaking of a covenant, but to the lack of one.)

the thing is, you could say the same of a family member, or a really close platonic friend. it's just that in this time and place, almost nobody does that. i have two close friends that live far away for grad school. we have a rough plan that, supposing we are all still single, we will move in together once they're finished, maybe even buy a house. provided we're all still single. the thing is, even if all that happened, part of our agreement would almost certainly include that if someone decided to get married at some future season, they absolutely would not be held to their platonic friendship house. which, in a way, brings us right back to the ever-present possibility that your traveling buddies will suddenly travel somewhere else. and as much as that makes me uncomfortable, i don't think i would necessarily want to be held to that either. even if i were against getting married in this present day, i still wouldn't bet on that desire for marriage and family never growing in me. but commitment isn't rooted in desire--if it were, it would be superfluous. so what should a commitment of friendship look like?

tl;dr: permanence is an illusion, and it's high time i accept it and learn to embrace the change, if possible. yet, commitment is still virtuous and important--it's more a question of who you're committing to, and our culture has little context for platonic commitment. and i have no idea what i want or expect about romance in my life, if anything.

a knife in the dark

there are days when i feel like everything good i've ever known, or imagined, or imagined i've known, is just a wisp, only to be replaced by a reality of pain and danger and pitch darkness. my heart is pulled in every direction and it's going to rip in so many pieces.

i know the light is there--there is an end to the tunnel. i just can't always see it.

welp! time for bed!

cries from the crevices

date of composition: circa 2021

i want you to tell me there’s nothing wrong with me . . . and mean it.

i want you to tell me truthfully why i’m different, or at least why i feel different.

i want you to tell me i won’t always feel like an absolute space alien everywhere i go.

i want you to tell me that it makes sense that this season is hard, but that it won’t always be like this.

with all your heart

date of composition: circa 2021 

i do not believe that “leaning into Christ” or “trusting God through your circumstances” primarily means superimposing my idea of what i think God is doing onto my situation. if God truly is the answer, he doesn’t need me to smush him into a question that makes that work. but i think what it means instead is searching out God’s character, and truly caring in the situation. he doesn’t need me to solve things, only to be open to him providing a way i didn’t know about.

more lies

lie: the struggles you are going through are unique to you

lie: you are less interesting, fun, competent, enjoyable, and valuable than others around you.

lie: your value is proven by the reactions of others to you.

hevel

it's always odd, these reunions.

like re-learning how to ride a bike. yes, it's the same in theory, but what if i fall? or maybe it's like a dance at first. each of us is so alert, paying absolute attention to the other's steps, anxious to sync up.

and then at last we do, and we can breathe easy.

once again, we can talk, not just to update, but to commune. once again, we can laugh, not just simultaneously, but together. we are free to share our interests, our stories, our time, our space, our lives.

you are merely you, and i am merely me, neither with any pretense.

the world is at rest here. everything feels natural and right once more, as it once was and was always meant to be.

and then the time comes when we must part. and in that moment sinks the full weight of how much i will, no, i already do miss you.

how on earth can i bear this?

i've managed to ignore the absence of your warmth, the unpretending and unshowy nature of your cherishing. your unwavering and unconditional regard for me. the ease of being around you. your deep and comprehending mind. your pure smile.

your face is right in front of me, and i miss it.

i tell you so, but the moment slips through my fingers like water. the present is already past.

i say Good Night, because to say I Love You would be not only insufficient, but impossible. but then i think better of it. i say the words anyway, in case my impossible meaning could reach even just a little bit closer to the Truth, though my words could never make you understand.

but as you return them, your face tells me that you do.

and then it's over, and we're gone. and i must learn again from scratch how to live with only the vapor of you.

time portal

https://unearthingthorns.blogspot.com/2025/01/retropost-plank-in-reason-broke.html

ingredients for reconciliation

[note: this was originally written as an article for the Socially Distanced Intellectuals. regardless, i've re-formatted it for this space, since it fits thematically and is very important to me.]


reconciliation of a broken relationship can seem impossible. it requires genuine apology and forgiveness, but those can seem like insurmountable obstacles that can’t bridge the chasm between two parties. but i think that part of the reason for that is that we have flawed understandings of what apologizing and forgiveness actually are.


DISCLAIMER: i want to be absolutely clear that i don’t write this out of a place of authority, or as someone who is qualified to speak on it, so most of this is my own commentary and paraphrasing of the teachings of others. what i say may well be flawed, and will certainly be insufficient and incomprehensive, but hopefully it recontextualizes this process in a helpful way. ok? ok.


so what does it mean to apologize? first of all, when we apologize, sometimes we tend to do things that we think will add to the apology, but in doing so, we actually negate the very thing we are intending to do. so here are some things that apologizing isn’t:

• apologizing for the other person’s feelings. someone else’s feelings are not something i have control over. so if i say “i’m sorry you were hurt by...” or “i’m sorry if something i said hurt you,” i am actually placing responsibility (and therefore the blame) for the hurt on the person who is experiencing it.
• asking for forgiveness. it’s okay to hope for forgiveness, and depending on the situation, it may even be okay to humbly express this hope (HUMBLY!) but forgiving can be really hard, and it is not fair to place that expectation on someone who is already hurt. and since i am the one admitting to being in the wrong, i’m not really in a good position to, in the same breath, immediately start making more requests of the person i hurt.
• explaining my case for the sake of absolving myself of blame. it can be helpful for the other person if i provide context for why i made the decisions i made. but if i do this in order to explain why i am not to blame, i am just making excuses. really, my intent in doing the hurtful thing is pretty much irrelevant. regardless of whether or not my intent was to hurt, that was the result, and probably all that matters to the other person at the moment. in apologizing, i must be absolutely clear that in spite of my reasoning, i was still wrong, and i know this. and on a related note...
• qualifying my apology by bringing up the actions of the other person. the other person may not be guilt-free, but that is a separate issue, and it doesn’t absolve me of blame. i need to not blame the apologizee for the issue at hand, or else it’s fake. if my apology includes the word “but,” there is a 99.99% chance that I am not actually apologizing, just including a four-letter description of myself.
• losing or submitting. if i have gotten to the point of an apology, then at least to some extent, this is not a me-versus-them scenario (anymore). i am doing my part to make a more peaceful closure for everyone, and everyone benefits. plus, i am recognizing that i, like a regular ol’ human, am wrong sometimes. that being said...
• being the bigger person. this was something that i caused. i am not somehow doing someone a favor or proving how noble i am for accepting the blame for something i did.

so that’s a lot. but then, how do i apologize well?

• feel bad about it. the root of the word “sorry” is “sorrow.” it is an expression of regret. it may be human nature to avoid negative feelings, but there are certain things that should cause us to be upset, and one of those things is injustice or unkindness at our own hands.
• figure out what i did wrong. this is true even (or maybe especially) if i don’t think i did anything wrong. if i don’t know what i did wrong, i cannot possibly be sorry for it, nor can i make a plan for how to do it differently next time. this part may even require help from the person i hurt.
• figure out why i did that thing. this part is for me, and it is so that i can recognize harmful things in myself or tendencies that can make me more likely to hurt people. the goal is to avoid hurting others in this way again.
• actually say the words “i’m sorry” and specify exactly what i am sorry for doing. this may seem simple, but it lets the other person know that i understand what i did wrong and am actually sorry for doing it.
• accept the blame. it goes back to the earlier point. i’m not “sorry that you were hurt,” i’m “sorry that i hurt you.” this was my decision that i made, and i hurt someone as a direct result; therefore, it is my fault, and i must not try to get around that.
• let the other person know how i’m going to change. this lets them know that even though i cannot undo this, i have a plan to not let it happen again.
• say thank you (if i’m responding to a confrontation). it can be really uncomfortable to be confronted, but this is a great opportunity to become a kinder and more mindful person, and that person has helped me do it.
• actually change. otherwise, i probably sound very serious, and sincere, and eloquent, and i am also lying. if i’m not willing to make a change or do what i can to remedy the situation, i’m not really sorry. this is tricky, because sometimes the situation cannot be remedied. but perhaps something of which i should be mindful is whether or not my regret over the situation can be seen in my actions. do i behave differently from before? can the person i’ve hurt see that i will be careful not to hurt them again? if not, maybe i don’t actually regret my actions, and i’m not actually sorry.

there’s a word for this in the Bible (and also other places, less commonly). it’s called repentance, and it is the genuine heart behind an apology.



as much as there is to keep in mind for a sincere apology, i would argue that the person who must forgive has the harder task. however, like with apologizing, we have a lot of false ideas about what forgiving means, which makes the task even harder. so what is it not?

• pretending there was no wrong done. if there is no wrong done, there is no need to forgive. therefore, in order to forgive someone, i have to acknowledge that they are to blame. figuring out whether or not a person is to blame is rather another matter, but i cannot possibly forgive a person without assigning blame to them, and holding them responsible for their actions is not necessarily the wrong thing to do, even if it feels off.
• excusing or condoning. this might be one of the most daunting parts of forgiveness, because the wronged person may feel like they are left to deal with the aftermath of the conflict while the offender gets away with it.
• understanding. empathy and seeing things from another person’s point of view can go a long way in seeing them as a complex human being, rather than simplifying them to the role of “the one who hurt me.” but this is not done to excuse the offender or absolve them of blame. just because something is understandable, that does not make it right, and recognizing a wrong is a prerequisite to forgiveness.
• tolerating or allowing future hurt. forgiving, even 77 or 490 times, does not mean that, like a doormat, i should just take the hurt over and over again. just because i have forgiven someone doesn’t mean i should jump back into the same types of interactions with them--in which they will continue the hurtful behavior--as if nothing has happened. forgiveness becomes possible, or at least much much easier, with distance from the offender.
• reconciling or restoring the relationship. there are all kinds of reasons for this. perhaps the offender is out of contact. perhaps the offender is no longer living. perhaps it would be downright stupid to re-enter into relationship with them, or maybe even to face them. when a relationship is broken because of a wrong, it requires one person to repent and the other person to forgive before they can even attempt to rebuild what was broken, and this is not always realistic. reconciliation must be two-sided. but forgiveness, when it comes down to it, is one-sided. it is an internal and private matter that makes a space for reconciliation, but primarily benefits the forgiver.
• allowing the offender to escape consequences or justice. there may not be visible consequences for the wrong that is done, but sometimes there are, whether they be social or legal consequences. forgiving the wrongdoer does not mean that these consequences are suddenly gone.
• having good opinions about the other person. there may be no redeeming qualities that i can see to this person or the situation. but forgiveness does not rely on the merits of the other person.

to be honest, when i learned that so many of these things were not part of forgiving, i was left with a bit of a void in their place. but it turns out that forgiveness is much simpler:

• giving up my right to vengeance. forgiving is not the same as accepting injustice, but it’s surrendering my right to implement justice myself. it is an act of trusting God--to be just, and to heal my hurts.
• leaning into and interacting with the issue. acknowledging the wrongdoing is essential to forgiving, but the choice remains of how to handle that information. in order to forgive, i must honestly and peacefully address the hurts that were created as well as the ramifications of them, not shying away or clinging to denial.
• recognizing everyone involved not as the good guys or the bad guys, but as a bunch of fallen humans. it’s easy, when i’ve been hurt, to take all i know about the offender and truncate it into “the cause of my pain,” but every human is more complex than that. this is tricky because if you’re like me, you want to say, “yeah, i’m fallen, but i would never do that.” which may indeed be true, but it really kind of misses the point. every human has similar--though not necessarily the exact same--holes, and tries to fill them with different idols. in so doing, we all betray God, who made all those holes to be filled by him.
• allowing my heart to be changed toward compassion instead of hatred. i’m not convinced this can be forced. but i think it begins with a willingness to have my heart changed, and to hold my bitterness with open hands. and i think it ends with a hope for the best for the offender.

huh. it really tests the whole "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,” doesn't it?

types of relationships in which i am supremely disinterested

• one-sided relationships
• relationships that function only as working/business relationships but are trying to act or pretend like they are genuinely personal
• relationships that are only perpetuated for the sake of what they used to be
• romantic relationships in which at least one partner really wishes they were still single, or begrudges the other person for their loss of independence
• romantic relationships which start out with one person NEEDING the other, either physically, emotionally, or to live a healthy, normal life (i AM independent, so i don't want to be someone's therapist or emotional support SO or maid or stand-in mother. we must both be contributing members, needing each other only because we have chosen to give the other person that power.)
• romantic (or really any) relationships in which the other person does not value me for my strengths

an expert stoic's guide to accepting feelings

growing up, one of my favorite characters to watch on tv was Mr. Spock. he was always the problem solver, always the voice of reason, always able to keep his head when the other characters got carried away by their emotions. as a Vulcan, of course, he claimed to have no emotions at all, but rather operated solely on logic. and it didn't hurt that he was usually the one with the snarky one-liners. i think i kind of admired his character because i tend to be so frustrated by my own feelings. indeed, i've often referred to them as "the bane of my existence." feelings are fickle--they demand that you pay attention to them and cater to them, yet they can change at the drop of a hat. they have nothing to do with rationality, nothing to do with wisdom; they cannot be reasoned with. such a nuisance--this is my gut reaction. and yet, upon closer introspection, feelings are not so devoid of reason as we might expect, but they are instead built on it. if we find the reason behind our emotions, we can often track the purpose for them. for example, take sadness. in the same way that physical pain is designed to alert the presence of a problem or an injury, emotional pain forces one to pay attention to more abstract problems, like the loss of something important. likewise, anger is a way to activate the mind against perceived injustice. jealousy is similar, recognizing the violation of a perceived right to someone or something. fear alerts one to perceived danger or unwanted situations. depression (if it were a healthy emotional response), on the other hand, acts more as a numbing agent against emotional pain that has ceased to be helpful. this is probably well known information to anyone who has seen Inside Out, but the really interesting part is the redemption of these emotions--how are they treated biblically? humans are biblically designed to reflect our Creator, and the experience of emotions is no exception to that. sadness, as our expression that something is abstractly wrong, reflects our need to be cared for and healed. anger reflects God's desire for justice, and even spurs on the conviction that injustice should not go ignored. fear is perhaps the most enigmatic, since "pure love casts out fear," yet the Bible does make one provision for the fear of God. the conclusion here is that for one whose faith is in God, there is nothing to fear because the one with power over all things, even death, is the advocate for your eternity.

forgiveness: part i

a couple of thoughts:

forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation, which is something i didn't realize until recently.

that being the case, having to face forgiving someone really gives me a new perspective on God's justice system. i understand so much better now.

and the prospect of forgiving wrongs is somewhat easier when i direct my rage at the real enemy. i may be full of spite, but maybe i can be motivated to forgive out of spite toward the evil that keeps screwing up this beautiful world.