musings on: friendship

when i'm with you, my insecurities fade away.

to be able to say anything, reveal the most unflattering parts of myself, and still be sure of your positive regard.

i can't understand it, but you won't hear me complaining.

i want to share with you everything. i want to know you completely, and have you know me too.

patronus

it's almost time for lunch. man, i wish i could stop yawning. we've been at this for hours--ducking under trees, crawling over logs, crossing streams. still, i can't think of anywhere else i'd rather be. i am powerfully hungry. i wonder how much farther we have to go?

"what is your article going to be about?"

"it's about earth porn. or maybe about this backpacking trip."

earth porn. kind of a click-bait-ey title, but still--i bet it will get people to read it. i wonder if he's going to try to combine those two ideas somehow. or perhaps we're helping to write it, with these philosophical conversations. i hope i say something thought-provoking, or something worth remembering.

"i've never written an article for such a widespread and diverse audience before, but this one is going to be in Christianity Today."

wow. that is a widespread audience. that's so dang impressive.

"i would love it if i could upset a few Christians."

hm . . . yeah that is kind of fun. i'm not one to stir up conflict, but i do think that the Church could stand to be made healthily uncomfortable a bit more often. it would force us to challenge and question what we believe, and to strengthen it, rather than just walking in blind faith.

maybe that's what i've always hated about so-called "Christian culture." the fact that so often we just take what we're given without question. it's almost like Christianity is in this pre-wrapped box that pretends to have all the answers, even when there are many issues it doesn't resolve. but each pre-wrapped box contains something different. we could compare what's in the boxes, but we don't. we just assume that the one we have has everything right.

". . . i mean, it's unprecedented that a religion, especially such a major religion, would be unable to read their own sacred texts."

i wonder how important that is. it does seem ridiculous at first, but on the other hand, Christianity is very widespread. should we expect all Christians to learn ancient Hebrew and Greek? we have translations. how much of a difference does it make being able to read it as it was originally written?

"sorry, my ocd is kicking in again. sometimes if i get on a topic, i'll go on and on. that was a long answer to your question."

"that's alright. i like long answers." i really do. why would anyone want a simple answer when you have the opportunity to learn so much about a person, or an idea? plus, this makes it much easier to keep up a conversation. i love talking to people, but i wish i was better at it.

"elisa, you have a beautiful mind."

i--what? where did that come from? did he really just say that? that's so beautiful--how do i even respond?

"aww, wow! that's the best kind of compliment!"

"i would say you have a musical mind, but you would misunderstand what i meant."

"what would you mean if you said that?"

"well have you ever read the beginning of the Silmarillion?"

"yes!--just the first chapter of it."

"you have! well that's what i mean."

to be honest, i'm still not sure i completely understand. but--that's--wow.

"if i remember correctly, there's some dissonance that's included isn't there?"

"that's right! well personally, i'm kind of a fan of dissonance." in more than one way, sometimes.

"me too. when i was composing music . . ."

you have a beautiful mind too, Dr. Carson.

threads

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand, there is no going back?”

one concept we talked about in my philosophy class was this idea of sacredness. what does it mean, exactly? are sacred things sacred for everyone? how do you classify something as sacred, and how should you treat sacred things?

i am not claiming to have answers right now, only speculations. but there are experiences that you cannot fully share, that have such an internal significance that even an explanation would not suffice to communicate their importance. even if they are shared, it will only be as one relays a story to a spectator, someone on the outside. you can take a photograph of a beautiful scene, but it can never come close to doing justice to the real thing.

i think, in a broader definition, this is sacredness. when you live with someone for an extended period of time, there grows to be a type of intimacy that you can’t explain. you develop an inside language that is unintelligible from the outside. and it becomes bigger than just your experience. it is a life that is woven together with others, built on shared trust and experience, laughter and suffering. it is no longer yours to do whatever you want with.

this sacredness seems to exist in relationship. i think perhaps it can be forged if necessary. it can be resisted and it can be mutilated. but along with the idea with sacredness, we discussed the idea of reverence—this awe and wonder and respect for something that demands a distinct response. in the most extreme case, this might warrant worship. but perhaps not all cases.

so how do i respond when the natural setting for this sacredness ends? do I lock up the memories to just be cherished, knowing that the situation can never be the same? do I try to perpetuate what i can? i don’t know if there is a universal right answer (i suspect not), but without realizing it, i’ve been asking these questions for years.

it seems that this type of sacredness cannot be preserved. i can try to lock it up, but it will grow withered and musty in the process. or i can run with what’s left, cherishing its origins, but allowing it to change over time, the way it did at first. it’s alive now, so it must adapt or die.

thoughts from a mountain stream

with no careful thought or existential crisis, the river flows,
taking the path of least resistance.
no one tells it where to go,
nor does it spend long hours deciding.
rather, it simply meanders,
residing in the wake of that which came before,
carving the way for that which will come after.

nor do i, as i walk along a forest trail, ever question
how the path was beaten down, or who found its direction.
the journey paved a thousand times over is safe,
for it is certain to lead to a pre-approved place.

but what is more safe than a forest trail? how about more solid roads, of pavers, asphalt, or concrete? each leads somewhere certain, laid out before me in straight lines, like a grid. every destination is already known, every path both plotted and plodded. all questions of the unknown dissipate into the mechanical steps of a trip already taken many times. every step is so certain, it need not be questioned, only mindlessly enacted again and again and again.
i know every sound here.
i recognize every sign.
i understand what everything signifies.
and my mind is a computer, full of circuits and grids.
and i come to the conclusion i'm neither alive nor dead.

thoughtlessly, painlessly, flows the river,
yet in my heart, i know i must differ.
to step off the well-worn trail has become imperative.
though pain is probable and none go before me,
i must step into the unknown,
and by finding something new, know that i have grown.

conflict of interests

this might be one of those posts where at the end of it, we're all just like, "yup, that's how life works." but as usual, i gotta challenge it.



so it seems like i'm having a hard time lining up my short-term goals with my long-term goals. for example, a long-term goal that i have is to become a better clarinet player. so i enroll in band, and clarinet lessons, and chamber winds, and maybe even jazz band, and also i major in music. and, you know, you have to pay money to live, so i also teach music because that is the one thing that i am good enough at to get paid to do. oh, and also other classes--since, you know, college.

that's just the stuff i'm required to go to. but to do all those things and not suck, i also have to practice my music. oh, and also homework--because college.

and at the end of the day, i get home, and i no longer care about music. chances are, i no longer care about any of my long-term goals, but especially music. i'm tired, and music is the culprit (in my mind). i only have one short-term goal, and that is sleeping. well, maybe after just chilling a bit.

this isn't precisely accurate, but it gives a decent idea of what i'm thinking and feeling as i go through life. also, it's just the most extreme of many examples where this concept applies.

so now that i'm graduating soon, very few of these extrinsic motivators will be there. and i'm so okay with that that it makes me question my life direction even more. and yet, now that it won't be a pressure, a lot of the opportunities will also be gone. to go back to the example, it's not just that i won't have to go to rehearsal--i won't be able to. there will still be places to play, but not at the same level as i did before. and it will be a lot harder to find other musicians to play with. i will likely gain back a lot of the energy and drive that i lost, only to have a lot fewer places to use it.  how do i keep getting better at skills and finding ways to use them without stressing myself out?

also, remember when i said that i no longer care about any of my long-term goals? well, that's not totally true. now that i'm nearing the end of this stage, my brain keeps saying things like, "hey, remember that other hobby that you used to love doing? what if you started working at that skill? you'll have more time soon, so let's explore other options!" and that might lead to really cool places, but it also leads to the same pitfall if i don't figure out how to avoid it.



i think it boils down to this: i want to do things for their own sake, and i want to do them well, but i don't want them to stress and tire me out so much that i hate them. i want to be a healthy individual with a sustainable lifestyle (mostly i'm referring to my own time and energy, but sustainability in other ways is also important). and i also want to be good at the things i do. not either/or. both/and.

college is great for getting better at things. that's why i wanted to seize every opportunity. but if you're me, that's also a surefire way to burn yourself out.

all this considered, i don't know what's coming next exactly. which, considering i don't have a concrete plan for very much longer, is pretty terrifying. but whatever the next thing is, i think it has to involve integrating a healthy, sustainable lifestyle into whatever i will be doing to further my goals and make a living.