trustrating

apologies for this post being three weeks overdue.  better later than never, right?  of course right.  on with it then.

~ ~ ~

prologue:  in a couple posts a few months ago i made reference to a disagreement i had with my parents, regarding some choices i had made about friends.  it caused a lot of pain between my parents and me for a while, and i almost felt like i would have to choose between that particular circle and my parents.  through some rather uncomfy discussions, the issue was outwardly resolved.  lack of energy and time forced it all to the back of my mind (sort of, for a while), but it never quite stopped eating at me, especially at inopportune moments.

since then there have been several more posts that have been cluttering up my drafts folder.  i will respect the detail i did not go into publicly (and spare you, Reader, of an even longer and more confusing read) by not posting them in their entirety.  i've learned that carelessly communicating raw thoughts and emotions, except in rare circumstances, can be one of the most dangerous and even hurtful things a person can do.  instead, i will show excerpts of the drafts so that you can get an idea of what has been going on inside me.

~ ~ ~

[8/25/13]

pretty much all of my feelings, and some of my thoughts, want me to go into an all-out rebellion, but at least i have some rationality left to keep me mostly under control.  i keep thinking i need to bring the subject up again to try to resolve it.  after all, when you randomly start crying in public places with little to no provocation, there's obviously something really wrong.  i don't usually cry that easily.  but then other times i think that i should just do what i've been doing with this friendship, which has been mostly "underground," to try to do what i can with it.  i don't really expect to change her mind, after all.  

i've always considered my mom and me to be pretty close.  i know she loves me, and she's concerned for me, and she wants the best for me, and she wants to train me up in God's ways.  i want to become more solid in my faith, which does include "living above reproach."  if something about the situation is inappropriate, i really hope that i can find or be shown the passage that says it.  all i see here is two(+) people sharing God's love in a brotherly-sisterly way.   maybe i'm just deceiving myself.  my brain has been over and over this.  God, just help me to know the right thing!  

Mom is a godly woman who [obviously] has played a tremendous role in shaping the way i think.  but i also know [my friend] to be an avid Christ-follower too, [one of the most loving people i know] and [l]e's also influenced me a lot.  to have them taking opposite sides of an argument, even with some animosity it seems--i don't even know who to trust anymore.  i know, i know.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..."  but mostly the way He's spoken (to me) is through other people.  which is challenging now... to whom do i listen???  the people i trust the most disagree!!!  probably what i need to do is focus on knowing God more personally, so i can understand His character, so I can understand His intentions for right and wrong.  but for now, i still don't know how to bring up the situation to Mom, or whether or not to even mention it.

~ ~ ~

[9/1/13]

defeat is inevitable because your position wins you the war by default, so i gently raise my white flag before it even begins.  these peace talks that have begun are necessary, and i want them more than anything...well, almost anything.

as you are unwilling to budge and will stop at nothing to enforce what you believe is right, i give in with all the compromises on my end while inside i am screaming.  outside i am only doing what is right, to end something that should never be started, but my inside begs me to consider that it might be worth the fight of a losing and maybe even wrong battle to gain some control for my own country.

i mask me with a diplomatic smile at you as i keep repeating your levelheaded points to myself, trying and trying to understand and believe and accept them.  my closest allies whisper tactics in my ears, but i keep attempting to tell them why this surrender is the right thing.  i realize that the reason i can't adequately communicate it to them is because i can't even fully convince myself.

the real question is whether or not i'll actually be able to hold back my own spirited forces.  my entire army is equipped and on the verge of an all-out war, and i have faithful allies who will fight with me to the death.  but i am the general, am i not?  don't i get to decide which moves will be the right ones?  and am i not governed by the laws of God, the laws of ethics?  though i have argued over this many times, the laws still seem fuzzy here, and i might not have the willpower to withstand a full-blown mutiny.  i want peace, and i know that you do too, but i want that which is right even more...and you do too.  if only it were as clear as the feather of this pen i'm using.

you are so sure of your stance, for it is where your country's armies have always stood and always won.  if i could be as sure as you, maybe i could stand a chance.  a rebellion seems over the top, but then again, where would this country be if its rebellious and divided inhabitants had never fought for their independence?

war here will almost certainly not lead to peace.  and it probably won't even lead to victory.  do i smother my army to stifle their cries in hopes that the status quo is really best, or do i run the high risk of marching them off of a cliff in a blind search for right?  maybe death to self is best here after all.

~ ~ ~

[9/12/13 (after talking to my parents, then my friends about the situation)]

well.  then.  i guess i did the right thing.  relationally, things seem to be resolved.

why then do i feel so awful?  if only i could convince myself of the things that seem to be truth, which i've come to accept.  or that these conversations with my friends and my parents have made things better and not actually hurt anyone.  nothing seems clear anymore.

~ ~ ~

[9/20/13]

something's not right, and the fact that i can't seem to nail it down makes it even more annoying.  everything is reconciled now.  i think.  mostly.

but the one person who refuses to understand is myself.  i've repeated the logical arguments of right vs. wrong vs. blurred lines to myself over and over and over, but something in me is still questioning it.  i really related when Jerad was talking about Lot and his settlement just outside of Sodom when his heart was really in the center of the wicked city.

in this, i admit, i am guilty.  i bend rules all the time, which is what got me into the most trouble in this case.  but here's the thing that won't reconcile in my mind: i never intended anything bad or sinful.  well, one time we went out, and that was partly because of anger and rebellion, but that's not even the heart of the problem.  all any of us ever wanted was clean, wholesome, unadulterated friendship.  but apparently something was wrong with it.  i just can't get there.

so instead of intentionally moving into Sodom's boundaries, i feel like it's more of a gradient between Sodom and Canaan.  but the boundaries are completely undefined.  oh, and there are also mines buried all along the gradient.  so even if i'm far from where i think Sodom is, i can still take a step and have it blow up in my face.

this is all kind of a moot point.  for the sake of all my relationships, i have agreed to the safest terms of the general everybody (especially my parents).  i'm learning to not rely on my understanding of things (which is like the hardest thing ever).  but i am NOT willing to go on not understanding the things i do.

and i am not willing to go on feeling like i am guilty.  for doing wrong when i thought it was right, for hurting anyone's feelings when i thought it was right, for trying to further relationships.  it just doesn't make sense.

 ~ ~ ~

[12/9/13]

i am bothered by the littlest things.  actually, it's usually the implications behind them, but the littlest things set me off.

i'm so sick of having things make me feel better.  i don't want to just feel better--i want things to actually be better!  i'm so full of "i don't understand" that it's frustrating me beyond words.  i'm so urghed (pronounced similarly to "irked" but with more meaning).  how can i be expected to act like everyone else my age and to enjoy the company of everyone else my age when i'm not like everyone else my age?

one of my most un-favorite feelings in the world is feeling as if you've hurt someone by doing something unintentionally, but not being sure if you really did hurt them or not.  guilt.  :.(

if i am going to find a solution besides more rebellion and secrecy, i have to find out what i did wrong besides not being sneaky enough.

~ ~ ~

STOP NOW.  not reading; feel free to do that.  but sometimes i tend to portray things the wrong way and make people biased.  if you know my parents and now are starting to feel a little differently about them, STOP IT.  they are very godly, fun, interesting people, and i wouldn't trade parents with a single person on the planet.  just, sometimes we still disagree, and this time i took it too far, i think.

bear with me--i'm getting to the point.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  i never knew how hard that actually was until a few months ago.

trust does not mean blind faith.  but i think that trust in anyone means sometimes taking their word for things and even acting on it even if you don't know why.  which is extra hard for someone who feels a need to understand why she does the things she does.

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  meaning, praise Him in all circumstances.  acknowledge that He always knows what is best, and will always work for the good of those who love Him.  meaning, trust Him to work things out, even if you (i) don't understand it all.



all people are wrong.  some more often than others, but eventually, everyone lets you down.  henceforth, i need to remember that i won't understand everything, and that life isn't fair (newsflash!).  right now i can trust in the Lord by moving forward, taking care to keep Him as my true focus.  He has a plan, even when i don't see it.

owlsong

why is it that so often when i get a tremendous urge to start singing, it's always during a time when making loud noises would be considered unacceptable? :/

un-conditioning

i found this in my drafts.  it doesn't have so much to do with my life right now, or at any given point, as it does just in general for all times:


it's easy to thank God and to praise Him when times are fairly easy and life is good.  it's also easy when you're in a good mood and it feels like life is going your way.

it's easy to beg for God's help when times you're struggling and life sucks.  it's also fairly easy (a lot of times, if you are trained that way) when you are in a bad mood and it feels like life is really hard.

one thing i need to work on is completely relying on God, even when it feels like i can handle life easily on my own, and thanking and praising God, even when it feels like i have nothing to be thankful for and like God hasn't done much in my life for a while.

wash me

dear Savior,
please make me more like You.  make my ways more like Your ways, and my heart more like Your heart, and my desires more like Your desires.

i confess my motives are selfish; i know that a heart that yearns for You will truly be satisfied and will never be disappointed in all You are.

please create in me a clean and pure heart.  remind me of my joy that comes of knowing You.  have mercy on me and cleanse my foolish ways and my lack of understanding.  my life and all i do, good and bad, serves You only, but i'm so quick to forget.  make me pure like You, inside and out, and i will be as You always meant me to be.

love,
someone unfit to even use the word "love" in Your presence

change for the rest of my life

last year:  "rest is healthy.  i should probably get more of it."
this year:  "rest is essential.  i can't properly function without it!"  :/  inconvenient at times, but worth it i think.

:)

note:  rest does not always equal sleep.

the right attitude, lest i forget

Lord, thank You for a fantastic family who cares about me.  thank You for good friends and a great church.  thank You that i never need to worry about any material needs being met.  thank You for fun things to do and useful things to do and hobbies and abilities.  thank You for tons of good times and good memories.  thank You for support from all around me.

thank You for opportunities to grow.  thank You for times that seem hard, though they are not often or severe.  thank You for Your hope.  i'm sorry that i am so often such a self-centered ingrate.

You are always faithfulness.  You are always love.  You are always wisdom.  may i never doubt You.

Amen.

deception

halfway through watching Inception, i realized it was the wrong movie for taking my mind off of things (i was a bit...emotionally unsettled).  later on, i realized it was the right movie for making me think about things in depth.

here are the facts:
- i am highly valued by many.  i don't know of any (earthly) enemies.
- a lot of people see me as respectable and mature.
- God made me for a purpose.  He values me for more than what i am.
- He has great plans for me.  He works things out for the best for me.
- He never leaves me.
- He understands me.
- good things often require great sacrifice.  and patience.
- Satan often incorporates facts into his deception to make it more believable and undeniable.
- i have struggled a lot with making good friendships that last.



"you keep telling yourself what you know.  but what do you believe?  what do you feel?"

i've found some of the perps that are infiltrating my mind:
- you don't have a real place anywhere, or a true belonging.  when it seems like you do, it's only a temporary illusion.  it'll end before long.
- people might like you well enough, but you're not essential to anyone.
- you will probably always ultimately be alone.




what the heck????  this is utter crap!  i can give more facts, specific ones too, to prove it!  there's no reason for anyone to be worried.  i am confident in the falsehood of these stupid falsehoods.  when i wake up todayrow, i'll probably be like "man, what a drama queen!"

but they have been stuck right in there somewhere for at least nine years.  i don't believe it.  but sometimes i still feel it.

i thought i was kinda past this.  God, please make it stop.

notes to self

dear self,
i know you intend well, but you need to accept the fact that you can't solve everyone's problems.  sometimes, there just isn't anything you can do, no matter how much you try.  you're going to drive yourself (ahem.... me) insane with worrying about everyone else's troubles in life.  this isn't healthy.  come back to reality.

dear self,

umm... NO.  actually, you're right--i can't solve everyone's problems.  sometimes there really is nothing i can do to help.  a lot of the time actually.  it's frustrating as... i don't know.  something really frustrating.  but i can't just not do anything.  i can't just not try to help.  even when i know that things are waaay beyond my capability.  i have to at least show the people i care about that i'm there for them.  and anyway, who appointed you the doctor, telling me what is and isn't healthy?  isn't it part of my calling as a Christian to love and care for other people?

dear self,
you do need to care for other people.  but when you know that it's futile to try to help in a changing way, it's time to stop worrying.  you can be there for the people you love without getting so involved in everything.

dear self,

i may not be able to do anything.  but maybe, just maybe, God can make something of my feeble and inexperienced efforts, and maybe it can be something at least a little encouraging or thought-inspiring to all those other people.  they might not need me, but they do need Him.  just try and stop me.

Amen. (not my last, though)

Your spirit hovers over my waters
Your love burns longer than the sun
The skies of thunder echo Your wonder
Your praises can't be over-sung

The whole universe is witness
To only a part of what You've done

So let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

You see my weakness, my pride, my blindness
You wield your power through them all
Of all Your mysteries, still the greatest to me
Is that You're faithful when I fall

How can I say I know You
When what I know is still so small?

Let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

Let me cry "Holy, holy, holy"
Let me awaken to Your majesty
And see a glimmer of Your glory
Let me abide in You

Let me rediscover You
And by Your grace I'll follow through
Reveal to me the God I thought I knew

Let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
And let me rediscover You
Oh, let me rediscover You

Tell me of the God I never knew
Jesus, let me rediscover You.


wow.  yes.

a>wefn!tnh........*sigh*

i think it will all be alright.

wow...

*note: this post has nothing to do with anything spiritually.  whatsoever.  just thought i'd warn you.  :) *

so after much thought and encouragement from outside parties, i decided to sign up with Spotify.  in an attempt to find people on there, i clicked on the "Get Started" button.  i had already done all the steps, so i scrolled down to the box that proclaimed "Done!" and on it was a "Play" button.  i thought maybe it would be helpful.  so i clicked it.

and Rick Astley popped up on my screen.   ¬_¬

the end.

jdlkd"nO*#Uoi??*&Nsk@#shd{oskdj2m)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

dear God,
please please PLEASE help me to see things from Your point of view.  please help me and others to know the truth about Your Word--what You really intended.  please let me know for sure if i'm wrong, and please help them to understand if they are.  please bring resolution and healing into my relationships.  please clear things up and make things right.  and please help me to have a positive and respectful attitude.  may the things i do bring You glory and honor.  Amen.

 ~ ~ ~

i've been thinking a little bit about the similarities between the weather and my mood recently.   today as i looked out at the overcast sky insulating the heat, i thought "nope.  this time it's not similar at all.  if it were, it would be pouring rain with lots of thunder and lightning."

**a while later**

"Did you hear all that thunder and see the lightning?  Those were some pretty big drops out there!"
"Umm... no.  Is it still going on?"
"Not really.  It was pretty short."

ahh.... i wish i had seen/heard it.  :)  actually i saw a little, but not much.

~ ~ ~

what else... oh.  right.
sorry if i've told you this already, but i think it needs to be here too.  i learned this yesterday:


Rules for having disagreements with your parents.

#1)  don't do it.

#2)  if rule #1 doesn't work out, don't expect to win or change their mind.



thank you if you prayed for me.

my goal

i really hope that someday i will completely feel this from the inside out and be able to say this truthfully:


if someday, i lose my hands, my feet, my voice, my hearing, and my seeing.  if i lose my ability to do everything i enjoy and my ability to enjoy everything i love.  if i lose all my independence and my intelligence and any talent i may have and my ability to speak for myself.  if i find myself always alone in a dingy apartment somewhere.  if i lose all my family and all my friends--everyone whom i have some degree of closeness with.  if i find myself completely abandoned and rejected by everyone i see.  if i have to do everything in hiding, if i am hunted down and persecuted daily.  if everyone misjudges and mistrusts me and no one truly knows me, and if everyone sees all the bad and none of the good in me.  if i cease to make any kind of progress or helpful contribution, and if every attempt i make for anyone only makes more hassle for them.  if everything i do for You leads to terrible things for me.

if i lose everything, i will still love and trust You.


obviously, some of this stuff goes against God's promises.  but if it were somehow possible, i hope i would still be able to say that.



p.s.:  on an entirely different note, and without getting into specifics, will you, Reader, please pray for courage and wisdom and patience in a particular situation for me?  if you don't mind?  thank you!

ATTENTION, ALL BLOG READERS!!!!

ok, so here's a stretch, but just imagine you go onto YouTube one day and you see this amazing video that really impacts you.  maybe it even changes your life.  later, you realize that it's because it really helped you to understand God's love in a way that makes sense to your life today.  even though it is fictional (sort of), the "parable" of the video blows your mind.  you want to send it to everyone you know so that they can understand too.

• what is the story like?
• what kind of a video is it (stop-motion, acting to music, etc.)?
• what is used in the video?
• what about it makes it so impressive?
• what is the music like?
• are there any messages throughout the video, or is it all communicated through the story and music?
• what, if any, verses are there in the video?
• what other things make it cool/awesome that i didn't ask as specific questions?

btw, i was inspired by David Crowder Band.

i welcome all input and ideas!!! (even though this is still mostly hypothetical)    =)

~ ~ ~

edit [7/30/13]:  "I want to participate, but what do you mean "imagine"? Are we sharing a YouTube video that has impacted us already in reality, or are we making up what we would expect a life changing video to look and sound like?"

imagine---you're making it up.  but you are allowed to use ideas from other things you've seen, as long as they're relatively creative and original.  hmmm... let's see if these questions can confuse you some more.  >:)

- what aspects of a short video would be most likely to either impact you or impress you, or both (but in that order of importance)?

- if you were trying to tell a good friend what to add to a video that he was designing to specifically affect your heart and mind, what would you tell him?

community in-deed!

forewarning: i sincerely apologize for any frustration you have at my scatterbrainedness today.  this post was kind of a glorified brain-emptying, so have fun trying to follow it.  :)

EBS!!!!!! again! have you ever had a temper tantrum out of happyexcitedjoymindblownness before?  i did when I got home from church today.  it was kind of fun.  :)  there are at least six different reasons for my type 1-2 EBS this morning.  including (but not limited to) awesome intense worship music, awesome intense non-worship music, awesome (well, i guess it wasn't all that intense, but i was already affected, so...) fellowship, awesome intense sermon...

ok. whew.  this is a little weird for me, so bear with me.  ("really quiet girl"  ...pssh, gimme a break).  anyway, that's only a small part of why i wanted to write, yet it's also kind of the main point (oooh... paradox).

"so, what exactly is the point already???"

shhh!!! i'm getting to it.  but first let me explain my morning, so that you can kind of know where i'm coming from (more or less).  unless you were with me this morning and you already know all this.  then i suppose you can skip ahead if you really want.

so when i got to church this morning, i was already excited up to my stomach. (btw, i sometimes measure my emotions as if my body were a measuring receptacle of some sort... emotional up to my stomach, up to my eyes, exploding out of my head, that sort of thing ...feeling it physically).

"you were saying..."

all right! sheesh.  so i was already excited up to my stomach because i knew that the worship set was really awesome and intense and fun.  and also i had made a decision earlier in the week (after a rather heated internal debate over ethics that needed God's mediation--He didn't really seem to have a problem with my reasoning, so i went with it) to sit and listen to music from experienced frientors during first service instead of going to youth group this time.  hehehehehe... so worth it!  i was already energized from the worship, and then the music that i was shown just melted me.  it was almost painful (in a great way, mind you).  then when I sat through second service, he was talking about church community, which is like my favorite thing ever, especially since it summed up my entire morning.  and i was excited up to my eyeballs.

this, friend, is my point.

"well that sounds just dandy and fantastic (whatever...).  great for you, whatever the heck you're so excited about.  but what does any of that have to do with anything?  i mean, music and community are two completely different things!"

no, grasshopper.  it isn't.  ;)

ok, but seriously.  some of my most meaningful friendships intertwine music (which sometimes affects me so much as to make me giddily squirmish, like today), and church community in action (security and belonging intense enough to excite anyone, if they have the privilege of experiencing it).  result = mind blown



the phrase "church family" never meant very much to me when i was younger.  i had friends at church, so i supposed that that was what it meant.  but especially at youth group as a freshman in high school (and since then), and even more especially since being on the worship team, Christianity and church have taken on a whole new meaning, because i've been shown them rather than just being told about them.  through relationship.

i get excited even just thinking about some friendships.  especially ones that make me understand God better, so i get even more excited.  because it's so real.

but how can i possibly make people understand what it's like to be among a group of people who will always love you, even on days when you're a complete jerk, who want to be with you, who delight in your very existence, who look out for your best interest, who help you to think for yourself and grow, and who know you (and you them) so deeply that you could share anything?  how can i communicate that complete security and belonging to someone who has never known it?  it's more mind-boggling than the most unsolvable puzzle (quiet, you smart alec) and more intriguing than the cleverest mystery.  no one is naturally that "nice."  i bet that if more people experienced this side of church, doubt would not be nearly as much of a problem.  sheesh! see how much it has affected me, even.

trying to be a Christian without being rooted and invested in a group of believers who act as a family to one another is like trying to find your way to Dorothy's house in Kansas whilst traveling south on a road that you think is going east, without so much as a map or a compass or another person in the shotgun.  i believe that you can be saved by just sincerely accepting Christ.  but if you're all alone in it, it will feel like pulling teeth the whole way, no matter how dedicated you are.  but through Christian community, which was God's design, it brings joy, even when things don't go your way.

why i refuse to date...yet

ok, so i've known for a while i would post this, and i actually had a very similar conversation with Jerad a while back.  it doesn't particularly pertain to my life right now, but it's more for future reference (actually, reference of all times).

i have a hard time with casual relationships (of any kind).  i think it's because i don't really open up to people unless i'm pretty close to them or i can see that i can be.  so here's my philosophy (policy even, if you will):

a romantic relationship of any kind is a complete waste of time and emotional energy if marriage would never be taken into consideration.

notice i did not say "is not taken into consideration."  you can't start off a relationship that way; obviously you're not going to marry someone you just started dating or just realized you have a crush on. 

but what i am saying is that it is stupid to begin something that you know will not last.  especially something with somewhat of a commitment attached to it, like a relationship.  especially especially something that involves any (and probably a great deal of) emotional intimacy and vulnerability.  why would you invest so much into something that will, in all likelihood, yield so little?  is romantic "love" that cheap?  God must have had much more in store for relationships like that.

now, realize that i speak theoretically, as i have very very limited romantic experience.  so feel free to contradict or debate with me on this, especially if you have more experience than me (actually i would welcome it).  but in my world, where i'm mostly surrounded by people who think that a few months is a long time to date someone, i hate seeing people at such great risk for breakup pain that will likely last longer than they think.  and to be honest, i don't quite trust myself to know what will be best for me long-term yet.  so.  my verdict is this:  until i am ready to go down a road that may lead to me thinking about marrying someone, i don't see a need to take it.

23 (raising the dead in me)

i follow God, Who is the Answer to all my needs, both external and internal.

in Him i find lasting peace and rest.

He renews my spirit.

He leads me in all that is virtuous and right, to His glory.

when it seems like all troubling and dark things surround my life, i take comfort in the fact that He is in it with me, guiding me with His light.

He gives me hope and reassurance of victory, even when all evil is up against me.

He has chosen me to represent and proclaim Him, and He blesses me abundantly.

i know His hand will be on me my whole life, and i will make my home in His presence forever.

 ~ ~ ~

p.s.: @Tidelurker, this is not one of those lame kinds of attempted-poemy-thingies i was talking about earlier.  this one i paraphrased from a much greater poet, who was inspired by an infinitely greater Poet than he.  maybe you got that already though.

blessings

i'm so tired.  the sadness hit me today, pretty much when i least expected it.  it starts.

yet, i'm so blessed.  seriously.  i can't believe it.  it's like God had a bag of blessings, and then he couldn't decide how to bless me, so he just dumped out the entire bag.  on top of my head.  unbelievable.

i'm so overwhelmed by the people God has placed in my life.  i honestly don't understand.  for one thing, i have an amazing family who loves and supports each other.

but tonight i'm especially thankful for my church family.  my church is such an amazing base of support and encouragement and wisdom and love.  even unintentionally so.  it brings me joy every time i see them.  not only that, but over time they've shown me God in ways i had never before experienced.  i highly doubt many of them realize how much they mean to me.  i would not just trust them with my life, but i would trust them to be good stewards with any information they knew about it, or about me.  and i would trust pretty much anything they taught me about life or about God (so long as it didn't contradict that which i knew to be true, which it wouldn't).  they have brought meaning to the phrase "church family."

thinking over it again, sitting there in the dark with all these people and their prayers surrounding me would have been my #1 choice of places to fall apart anyway.

true story :)

my eyes were magenta from all the tears, and my throat was really sore, and i could feel a headache starting to come on.  and all that sadness had just hit me.  so i started drinking...
















...some water, in hopes that my throat and head at least would start feeling better.




sorry, maybe that was in poor taste.  but at least my sense of humor isn't totally gone, right?

shocking!

seriously.

there are two different kinds of shock that i know of.

one is when you hear or discover something that is a total surprise.  you never would have thought that it would happen, so when it does, you're just like, "WHAT???"  but it's news, and it's real.

the other kind is when you hear or discover something that really isn't all that surprising.  maybe you even knew it would happen.  but when it actually becomes a reality, it's so surreal that it's unbelievable.  when that happens (at least for me) it doesn't sink in until later.  you're more like, "nope.  this isn't happening.  it's all a dream, and tomorrow i will wake up and all will be normal again."  but it's not.

i discovered the second variety almost a year ago.  but still, when it happens, it feels so weird.

i feel... nothing?  yet.

...and that concludes that norm...

Danica came back from college!  i was so excited.  well, she was about to take her last final, which was in my English teacher's classroom (which was almost completely normal), but on a Saturday.  who takes a final on a Saturday? [shhh!!! you college students and graduates!!!  i'm telling the story!]  but whatever.  effectively she was done.

i heard she was not planning on coming home to Clovno (that's Clovis-and-Fresno-ish area) at all, but was instead going to get married to her boyfriend, whom none of us (including her family) had ever met.  and they were moving far-ish away. (btw, we all lived on the coast, but i think maybe she was moving to a different part of coast.  or something.)  and Alyssa (and Ryan too, i assume) was (were) moving to southern California.  i was really sad.  and disappointed.  and bummed, because i thought they cared more about us Clovnoans.  *dramatic uncontrollable weeping*

later, some other people and i were on the beach at night.  and there was this crazy lightning storm.  INSANE LIGHTNING!!! i don't think it was raining though.  IT WAS AMAZING!!!  i REALLY wanted to take a picture (or a few), but i realized i didn't have any camera with me.  and i was sad.  the end.

~ ~ ~

this morning i woke up and i felt really bummed out.  and i asked myself why.  and i answered that i was too insecure too much of the time.  and i asked myself why.  and i was going to answer the normal "because i'm paranoid," but instead i looked for a different answer.  so i found one and said "because i've been looking in the wrong places for acceptance/value/love."  both answers are true.  but i think the second answer will help me more.

~ ~ ~

by the way, have i mentioned yet how SUPER-LY EXCITED i am that it is summer???  well, aside from the fact that the central valley is a desert...

i probably shouldn't try to blog anything even slightly serious when i have this much mental energy, but whatever.

the way my body works

...need i say more?

standing by...

ok.  not entirely sure where my normal self went for a few days, but i think it's back (mostly).  and i think i finally know how to say this without ranting (too much) and without getting all depressing and without going off into some un-understandable subconscious ooze.  ...yeah.  anyway, here goes:



it really annoys and frustrates and bothers me that a lot of people just assume that everyone has ulterior motives for the things they do.  i can see why, since most people do, but it still bugs me.


example: i should be able to have a friendship with a guy, and vice versa, without people assuming that either of us has romantic feelings for the other.  in fact, i've seen how awesome those kinds of friendships can be, especially when there is a mutual non-romantic understanding.

and i should be able to pour energy into that kind of friendship (and vice versa) without feeling like i have to walk on eggshells any time i'm around him.

and i should be able to explain that to someone without them thinking that i'm either naively ignorant or in denial.

if both people have a very clear idea of what their relationship is and where it is going, there really should be no reason for either of them, or especially anyone else, to continually question it.


anyway, enough about what should happen, since all isn't always as it should be.  what i will at least try to do, for now:

• make sure that such relationships (when they start to get fairly close) have an undeniable understanding of direction
• act the same as i would, as much as i can, even if people start to suspect romance 

 

i'll address this again once i figure out how to actually make people understand platonic love.

bucket list

i don't normally take part in trendy stuff, but just this once i'll make an exception, even though i know i won't end up doing all of these (so maybe it's not a real bucket list, but whatever).  anywhoo, this stuff would be cool to do sometime...

[note: this list may be subject to additions, but if i do that, i'll say so.]

• learn some piano
• learn some guitar
• learn mandolin
• maybe learn oboe or cello or flute or saxophone
• take voice lessons
• learn to sing and play violin at the same time
• learn to dance and play violin at the same time
• complete that transcription list
• get an electric violin
• learn more about the technical side of music
• arrange/participate in acting out music (costumes and everything!)
• become a songwriter
• play some kind of gig with Brian and Sean
• learn about music theory[!!!!!!!]
• learn about music history
• successfully throw a surprise party for a friend
• learn some kind of martial art
• learn fencing and/or archery
• learn some kind of dancing (more than marching band)
• cycle a century
• stay up on water skis for at least a minute
• watch ALL THE DISNEY MOVIES!!! well, maybe just the old cartoon ones
• get into photography
• learn to paint like my grandmas
• have a d&d (or another rpg) group
• go nocturnal for at least a few days
• spend a few days being left-handed
• build my own house
• build a woodworking "shop" outside my house
• build a tree house and camp out in it
• learn how to fix most stuff on a bike
• learn how to fix most stuff on a car
  
• make instrument touch-sensor shirt that plays
• perform a Candid Camera type skit with some friends in a public place
• become unrecognizable for a day, just for the fun of it
• cosplay for something
• start a podcast (maybe teaching or how-to or children's education of some kind?)
• create (with a group of other people) a stop-motion outreach video. 
• learn Greek
• learn Hebrew
• learn Portuguese?
• make a Bible timeline (an actual one, not just a chronological Bible)
• learn to live and successfully communicate God's word
• lead someone to Christ

the value of hiding

last june or so, i discovered that one of the things i wanted very most was to be understood, so i started to lower my shield, just a little.  which turned out to be a good thing.  i hope i didn't unveil too much before realizing the value of a veil, though.  i don't think i did.

if you're a guy, and you wonder why girls sometimes "play games" with you, i'll tell you why.  it's because they want to know how much you want them.  how much you will fight to win them over.  (maybe that's common knowledge already, but whatever.  this has nothing to do with my point.  it's only another analogy.)

with other relationships, it's the same thing.  at least for me.  here's what i mean:  i know that someone (of either gender) really wants to know me for who i really am if they are willing to dig down deep and fight through all that other garbage that i put on as a mask.  it's also the same reason that poets cover what they're actually trying to say in layers and layers of metaphoric language: so that the reader has to learn it by figuring it out for himself.  (that's also part of the reason i started blogging, since few people know about it, and fewer actually read it.  but those who do want to.)

sometimes explaining the meaning of something defeats the whole purpose of it, because the explainee did not have to do their own work to understand what i was trying to say.

but sometimes i just want to blurt everything out to someone who knows me really well.  no masks, no metaphors, no veil.  that's really hard when i know that anyone i could tell would either a) not understand, or b) be affected by it too much.

protection or prison?

can you see the fury in my eyes
or feel the fire within me?
it's hard to sense; i hide it well.
but with this desperate gasp, i cry
ere i suffocate completely
'neath the burden of your love.

has it escaped your astute observation,
your overactive insight,
the benefits that here indwell?
that it spurs growth, and thus, elation
which your safekeeping might
save me from what was from above?

your wisdom great surpasses mine,
as does your experience,
but can you negative foretell
that which my eyes have clearly seen,
retaining common sense?
do you trust my trust enough?

meet me in the middle

i tend to be kind of a perfectionist.  you probably already know that about me.

my mind has been kind of like a pendulum in that respect.  for so long i have been pushing myself to do the best that is possible.  but then, once i started reevaluating the underlying values in that motivation (which were mostly selfish), i started swinging the other way.  eventually i got to the point where i almost didn't care about... achievement, for lack of a better word... of any kind.  almost.  thank God (i think) for that part deep inside me that wouldn't let go.  i'm coming back now, but i plan to stop before swinging all the way back again.

don't get me wrong though.  it's not all about me.  that is what i need my subconscious to understand.  i need to stay motivated, but not so that i can be a more accomplished or successful individual.  it's so that God's purpose for me may be realized, and that He may be glorified through what He created.

(oh, and when i say motivated, it no longer means "convince yourself you really care so that you can do better and get through this easier."  now i mean "do the best you can, and keep going, but rely on the peace that God doesn't expect your perfection... only your devotion.")

i think this might be my lesson.

prayer of a bowl of petunias

Lord, i know that you are the giver of all good things.  You want the best for me.  i trust You.

i'll be honest: i hate this.  sooo much.  even though i enjoy band a lot, it doesn't compare to worship music, and this isn't what i imagined for my summer.  at least it's only practices, not Sundays.  i know You could change it if You wanted to.  i also realize that this isn't some kind of traumatic life-changing decision.  but it is giving up kind of a lot for me.  i trust that in leading me through this, You will make me the kind of person who can be content in any situation, and who will gladly give up anything for You.  maybe You have great plans that i can't yet imagine.  i hope so.

self, don't despair; it will hurt some (even more than last time), but it won't be that bad.  and don't be sad; there's nothing more to be done, so get used to it for the time.


edit 5/29/13:  to anyone who reads this, this is the follow up.  God is AWESOME.  always.  even if He doesn't go with your plans.  this time, for me, He did change the situation, which is amazing.  but even if He hadn't, He would still be AWESOME.  just don't forget that.  the end.

not-so-new year's resolutions

it's weird how the past couple schoolyears have seemed to have themes.  last year was about discipline.  this year was more about prioritization.  i'm still working on both, but i think i might actually be making progress (maybe).  i think my values have changed even since last summer.  even since last semester.  maybe even in the past couple weeks, which is kind of exciting.  but it would be a lot easier to get past my shortfalls if other people would.  i guess that's the point of discipline.  or balance between the two (practical discipline and still keeping my values in line).  at least i've recovered some motivation though, which is excellent.  :)

anyway... some things i'm going to try to do better:

• don't hate things (or even people) just because i don't understand them
• don't expect things to be laid out for me
• take advantage of opportunities (i've noticed that about a lot of society, including me... a person could have all the right resources handed to them to reach their goals, and a lot of times they still won't do anything about it.)
• avoid talking to strangers (even people my age), if at all possible
• learn how to Love people without 
• expecting anything back
• withdrawing when not supported
• evoking any unwanted emotions
• learn how to set boundaries as a leader, and enforce them kindly but firmly
• don't make excuses... EVER
• learn how to function just as efficiently under stress, sadness, or rage (believe it or not... most people can't tell it's there though, when it's really bad.)
• do things in order of importance as much as possible
• work with what i can't change rather than complaining about it
• learn to differentiate between need for rest and laziness
• change things about myself rather than just hating them, because then i hate those same things all the more in other people

pseudapathy

ugh... i wish i could care.


oh, who am i kidding?  if i was really that indifferent to these matterless affairs, there would be no problem.


ugh... i wish i could not care.

wind and waves

that's the second time this week that i've heard the Holy Spirit compared to the wind, and the Christian life compared to a sailboat.  i'm pretty sure they were collaborating on that message though, but still.

[if you're reading this and you have no idea what i'm talking about, the gist is that if you accept Christ, it is like stepping into a sailboat, in which you will only be tossed randomly by the tides (the world) unless you open your sails (willingness) and let the wind (the Holy Spirit) constantly fill them and move you with it (Him).  it's actually a pretty decent analogy.]

at first i was wondering if maybe my "sail" was broken.  or if it had a hole in it or something.  but i think maybe i just had [have?] it tangled, or not quite tied down correctly.  this is getting confusing, so i'll stop there.

but the sermon this morning was not just saying "let the Holy Spirit fill your life," but it actually went into how you let that happen, and even making sure you want to (being willing to let go of your own will and ideas and stuff...).  after all, people aren't born sailors!  they must be trained.

thank you to all who stop your sailboats and teach me, an unseasoned amateur, how to work my sails.

~ ~ ~

random thought:  i wonder if you could think of the Christian life as a class, where you ideally study daily, meet with your teacher[s] once or twice (or more) a week, and take multiple pop quizzes every day.  ?????  maybe?  maybe not?   lol.  imagine this scenario:

"hey, how many AP classes are you taking next year?  i'm doing five."

"oooh, i'm only taking one."

"oh, really? [disappointed]  which one?"

"AP Christian Life."

"wow. [changed expression-- :/ ] that's pretty ambitious--i heard it's really tough.  are you sure that one will be worth giving up and figuring out all that?"

"oh yeah. [ :) ]"

observation and analysis :)

just kidding.  well, sort of.  we're not going back to any science classes or anything at this point.

but kind of recently i've noticed a few different things about my attitudes toward people whom i know/relate and trust (both on a personal level):

• i tend to be more sensitive to their needs/struggles without extra effort
• i more readily accept what they say or think, even if my trust in specifically what they're saying is unfounded.
• if i make a conscious effort to understand them, i start to take on certain qualities of theirs (more than normal, i mean).

one thing i've also noticed about myself:

• if i'm motivated to do something, i will make every effort to do it well, but if i'm not really interested in it, it's very difficult for me to become motivated to do it well (or at all).  challenging.  i suppose that's normal?

this too is meaningless

like sand, these hours blow away, lost, with no more proof of their existence.  i wish my mind would stop contradicting itself in everything; in everything, second-guessing itself.  it's not total apathy, for that leaves no room for any passions.  where am i?  my own overthinking has spun me around until all i can decipher is my inability to stand.

like a broken record, these words fall off my lethargic, unmoving lips, but what have i to back them up?  have my time and insufficient efforts proven fruitless after all?  it seems as though tending this fire has all but burned away my heat sensors, while my shivering body reasons that it's still there.  it warms me sometimes, but could it just be sunlight or summer heat?  maybe i just need a different angle, so the smoke won't get in my eyes.

"You perceive my thoughts from afar."  i'm sure glad that One of us can.

eye

just as dawn breaks, i walk along the cool beach.  all is calm, and the ocean's surface gently ripples around my feet.  it seems the start to a day as perfect as any sailor could hope for, despite the ominous forecast.

i leave the great outdoors, and turn inside to finish watching the sunrise.  is that a hint of red i see?  perhaps a wave or two i hadn't noticed before?  i'm very glad i live in a Lighthouse.

spring fever

i have it bad this year.  hehehe...

it seems like usually when i write here, it's when i have some kind of problem or issue to work through.  but that doesn't seem right, since that doesn't represent my mood most of the time.  i think it's because it's a lot easier for me to describe reasons why i'm stressed or sad than it is to describe why i'm happy or excited.

today can be different.

i'm not entirely sure what it is.  maybe spring break.  maybe the awesome weather i've been enjoying more than normal.  maybe spending time with friends just playing outside this past weekend.  maybe the special worship service we're doing for Easter.  maybe the fact that it looks like things are starting to get organized and come together a little.  maybe the possibility that i won't have to take summer school this year.  maybe awesome music and chords and creativity.  maybe going for a bike ride for the first time in a long while.  maybe sharing music with different people.  maybe browsing the MeTubes and University Wikipedius and finding out about bands and albums i didn't know existed.  maybe writing music.  maybe playing music, being the one on the learning end of the spectrum.  maybe just feeling (and being) highly valued, though i'm not really sure why.

it's probably all of those.  the past few days, i've just been feeling generally more free and happy and excited than usual.  actually, i'm pretty sure this time off has a lot to do with it.

i'm so excited for summer!  ^.^  for several reasons.  spring break is a tease though.

i know i'm not quite "there" yet, wherever that is.  the knowledge that these next weeks will probably be more stressful than ever still lurks in the recesses of my brain.  but at least i can take a breather for a little bit.  and spend a few days in a schedule that feels more natural to me.  =)

Acts 1:8?

so i was thinking about witnessing.  this Christian club at my school has a HUGE "witnessing" focus, where they'll go out and just share the Gospel with random people.  i admire their courage and their intent.

but overall, that way seems generally kind of ineffective to me.  i'm not saying all the time, but as far as i've seen.  and i could be completely wrong.  but at least in an environment where everyone already has some knowledge about God (or they think they do) and has already made a decision against Him, it seems to me like it would be very difficult to convince anyone to change their mind.  i've experienced some of that myself.  i realize it's not my job to convince anyone, only to tell them, but if i actually care about them, i care about whether they accept this or not.  especially if chasing them or acting like i'm trying to sell them something pushes them even further away.

so, if just outright telling people who God is won't work, how do we/i communicate it to them?  or, put more complicatedly, how can i show people who God is without them realizing it until they're already attracted to Him?

well that's stupid.  trying to make God seem attractive to people?  i've seen it done, but in reality, it's even worse than changing yourself to get more friends.  people will think they're getting into one thing, then once they realize it's not what they thought it was, they will give up (and be even less likely to come back).  and more importantly, if the point is for people to have a relationship with God, would it make sense to show Him off as something else?  it would defeat the whole purpose!

ok, so the only alternative, then, is to basically be as much like God as possible, so that if people get to know you, they're seeing God in you without knowing it.  (ideally, they would find that out later.)

then i had this really weird thought process.  it will probably seem really stupid and obvious, but at the time it seemed revolutionary, so play along, ok?  ok.  so part of what i have interpreted as growing (indeed, i think it was) in my relationship with God was learning more about myself and becoming more of the unique person i originally was made to be, untainted.  so then, if i'm trying to take on the persona of God, wouldn't it be kind of like i'm trying to balance two personalities?  (shh!  don't laugh!)

God created us all for specific purposes, each individually.  but He also created us to have Him live in and through us.  so they're not separate; in fact, i'm not even sure they're separable.  if you are growing more like Christ, you are automatically and simultaneously growing more like yourself, the way you were intended.  it's because you're growing more and more into God's plan for you.

i'm still not sure how i feel about "witnessing."  maybe it works sometimes.  i don't know.  but i think i prefer "witnessing" through relationship, where people don't see Christians trying to sell them something, but rather a Friend trying to give them something.

d-day

worry not.  that's "d" for "direction" and for "decision".  :)

and here it is:  i'm deciding not to conform to the path that i always assumed was mine.  i'm deciding to give up what is probably more respected for what i think is more likely the right choice (for me anyway).  i'm deciding not to over-stress myself if possible.

aside from just not wanting to spend the next however-long of my life just stressing out, and aside from wanting to have more balance, and aside from wanting some guilt-free spare time, there's more.  i realized/decided that i'm tired of limbo, of halfpathy  (like that?  ;D  it's when i know i actually care about something but i can't afford the energy to care about it), and of preparation.  let me explain: it seems like all during elementary school, and middle school, and high school, the main focus is just preparing you for the next grade.  or for college.  seriously, isn't that what they've always told you?  and then, i've heard several stories where a person gets to college and it's just totally eye-opening to their faith as well as their independence.  but it's still preparation.  and then you finally get to "live your life" after college.

well, that's all great.  and i love stories of people going off and discovering their own faith.  but i'm tired of waiting to grow.  i'm sure that my environment has worlds to do with it, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for me to be spiritually stagnant now.  this is still the real world, whether or not it seems so from my point of view.  so why should i live like it's only a phase to get through?  i want to actually live life, like it's real.  not that i haven't been, but it's been mostly from a scholarly perspective, since that's what i'm supposed to be doing full time.  but i can't do justice to the most important things in life (relationships especially, i think) if i'm already fully booked.

i'm still going to try to stretch myself without stressing myself.  but i think this is better.

creepy pe people

i was on my way to the office the other day after school to make some copies for orchestra, when i passed this guy in my PE class (who i had talked to like one time ever)...

GUY:  Hey, how are you?
ME:  Mm... pretty good, how are you?
GUY:  I'm good.  Where are you going?
ME:  I'm going to the office.  I have to make some copies.
GUY:  Mind if I walk with you?
Really???
ME:  Um... I guess you can if you want to.
GUY:  Why not?
Dude, what are you doing?  Really?

he clarified my name (pronouncing it incorrectly), so i corrected him, and when he seemed bummed that he got it wrong, i told him most people did.  and he introduced himself.  he then proceeded to tell me how he almost got hit by a car that day because he was jaywalking.  he still seemed surprised, though he admitted that it was kind of stupid.  i don't think i said much; what was i going to say, "Yeah that was pretty dumb,"?  anyway,  we were just kinda making small talk as i walked to the office.  he turned as though he were going to go somewhere.

GUY:  Well, I would ask for your number...
Whoa... hold on.  What!!??!?!?!?!
GUY(cont.): ...but I'm actually grounded right now.  Maybe another time?
Umm.... maybe not!!
ME:  Well, you can ask.
GUY:  Oh, but I might not get it?
ME:  Maybe not.
GUY: Oh, ok, well I'll see you later! (He actually turned to leave this time)
ME:  See you!

nothing personal.  i would say that to anyone.  that was so weird though.  even weirder than the time a girl in my PE class asked about my heritage, then told me that i had a "voluptuous tush."  PE is a scary place, full of scary people.  i'm glad i don't have to take it again after this year.

Don't Be There---Switchfoot

i mentioned this before.  i have come to LOVE this song because i can relate to it so well.  and i will explain why.  but not tonight.  too late, and too much type 2 in my type 1 EBS.  =D   anyway...


Don't be there
Don't be there
'Cause I'm on my way

And I'm already gone over
And I'm on my way

And I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?

I'm down here
I'm down here
And you're way up there

That doesn't hurt badly
But it stings right here

I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

If you're a rose
Then I'm the thorn
That's in your side

And does it hurt badly?
'Cause it burns right here

I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?

I'd like to say hello
I'd like to say I care
I'd like to let you know
That nothing here's the same with me
Nothing here's the same

I can't recall myself
How I went down
Did I get shot
Or shoot myself?

And I won't pretend there's nothing there
You be around and I'll be square
Don't be alarmed if I'm not there
You be around and I'll be square

Don't be around
Don't be there
Don't be there

repost: the best kind of ships

relationships of course!  =)

wow... i think this weird schedule is getting to me.  ahh... music, both new and old, and old-new, is one of my favoriteest things.  :)

anyway.  guest blogger:  elmadu!!!

ok.  on with it.

quick(ish) background:  i realized the other day as i was thinking about these questions is that the reason i am so cautious and distrustful when it comes to relationships and even well-intending people is not because i am introverted or shy, but because i have been disappointed too many times.  once upon a time, i would make friends just by asking, and anyone who wanted in on my friendship circle was welcome.  but moving (actually, probably just getting older) sent me into a different world.  even as early as second grade, i would make friendships only to be left out of them or to be subconsciously dubbed not cool/popular/[fill in the blank] enough for them.  sometime between seventh and ninth grade, i came to the subconscious realization (even more than i already had) how incredibly stupid this was.  i stopped automatically accepting as a good friend anyone who showed interest, and started hardening [more of] a defense, learning to recognize situations that would later leave me high and dry.  better to invest little and lose little, right?  to choose loneliness rather than have it thrust upon me later.  which i think is often a good call of discernment, to be a little picky and choosy.  the thing is, even before my "shield" was as developed as it is now, i found that it left me lonely more often than i was ok with.  which also makes sense, since humans are designed to interact with one another.  even now, i have few whom i would actually consider close friends, and even fewer whom i would rank more than a detached closeness.  it's like the difference between liking someone a lot (as a friend :) and being able to trust them to be a good friend back to you.  BUT!!! the upside to this system (as i have more recently realized) is that when i find truly quality friendships, they are some of the most excitingly satisfying experiences that i have yet encountered.


what is essential in a person for them to build a good relationship with you?

• understanding.  the person has to be able (or at least willing to try) to understand my views and interests, and why i make the decisions that i do.  not that i would condemn them for not understanding or anything; i am more complex than i sometimes seem.  but the effort has to be there.
• realness.  obviously anyone with false intentions would fall out of this category, but also anyone putting up an overly-polite, overly-charismatic, or overly-eager-to-please shield.  who am i actually befriending?  i have to know you in order to be close to you.
• acceptance.  i can't constantly be afraid to make a fool of myself.  it happens a lot.
• value.  the person has to truly enjoy me for who i am, not for any mask or show i put on.  also, i don't want to have to worry about being left out or forgotten very often.
• mutual effort.  i was also going to add "commitment of some degree" as another separate bullet, but i think that actually falls under this.  example: the phone rings at both ends, yo.
• listening and opening up.  the relationship can't be all about one person or the other.  i want to be able to tell you something (or even ask you something) and know that you are listening.  but i also want to hear what you have to say, especially if it is relevant, or especially especially if you really need to tell someone.
• balanced humor and seriousness.  few things bother me more than the inability to take anything seriously.  we have to be able to hold meaningful and intelligent conversation.  at the same time though, the person has to be able to enjoy life, to lighten up at the right times.

hmm... i might be being too picky.  i'm not sure that all of these are really essential to all good relationships with me (maybe not) or just the best ones.  it's not that all of them have to be to the extreme or anything.  everyone's human.  but this stuff is important.


what do you value most in your current close friends?

i admit, in some cases i have been extremely spoiled with friends that were/are more than i ever could have expected or asked for.  for this, i will include all of my friends, with the qualities they have.  some of the things i appreciate the most in my current friendships are...

• everything above.  even without anything else, all that stuff is the kind of thing [are the kinds of things?] that give[s] me more excitement and thought about friendships even outside of them.
• musical similarity.  since i am greatly affected by music, having other friends who also are helps me to better understand and connect with them, and vice versa.
• putting me out of my comfort zone.  weird, but true.  not all the time, but i find i appreciate the occasional extra force to do something, for my own good or for the good of others, that i would normally opt against.
• superiority.  not the arrogant kind, but the experiential kind.  some of my friendships have actually been situated in such a way that i can constantly learn from those around me!
• certain kinds of irresponsibility/shortcoming.  hmm... this can get a tad confusing and undefined, but one example for me would be procrastination.  in some cases, a friend has stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning with me (over email chat) as we finished the same project.  or, similarly, if we both did really badly on a test or something, or (more seriously) if we find that we both struggle with something.  it's the support factor.
• similar goals/values/interests.  this is pretty self-explanatory, but it always helps with understanding one another.
• mentorship.  kind of similar to the superiority one, but this is more specific to wisdom, especially of the spiritual kind.
• good sense of humor.  some of my favorite times with friends have been when we could just laugh over stuff, whether legitimately funny, or corny funny, or just late-night stupid funny.
• comfortability.  i actually don't mind some fun at my expense (sometimes i kind of enjoy it... shhh...) as long as there is no hidden meaning and it isn't carried too far (which honestly, would be kind of far if it was someone whom i trusted).  it's like this:  if i were to put into words the thoughts that the person was thinking subconsciously (in my understanding), they would say something like, "i know it's ok to poke fun at you because i know that you know that i am totally joking and that i value you."

over the past couple of years, and especially this past year, my best friends (not necessarily my "closest," though in a way they are, but those who are best for me) have been unconsciously teaching me how to be a good friend, just by their example.  the hard part for me is learning how to follow that, and to be that impactful in others' lives, which i hope will start to come more naturally as my relationship with God deepens and my priorities fall more and more into place.

[guest posted on moon-bathing 2/11/13]

a piffy-what?

i've got it!

well, sort of.  i don't have the answer.  but i think i might at least have the question. (what do you get if you multiply six by nine?)  jk.  i already have that answer.  it's 42.  ;D

but i think i may have found part of the reason why my motives have been so conflicting.  it's at least partly because all my life, everyone around me has been stressing performance (except for maybe my family, which is a little ironic, but good).  i'm certain i'm not the only one.  think about it: i'm a musician.  the goal is to get the music as perfect as possible and get up to as high a chair placement as you can.  i'm a student.  the goal is to get good grades, to do well on important (and unimportant) tests, to challenge yourself as much as possible (and then some), to get all the different awards, to go to a good college.  even sometimes in church.  example:  you go to AWANA, memorize all your verses, get all your patches, get a plaque at the end...

don't get me wrong.  all those things are great.  but it's all (mostly) about impressing people.  i realized today that even though awards, for example, were originally set up to honor the people who did well, they got to the point where some people would do things out of normal just to get honored.  not because they enjoy it, or because it reflects who they are, but so that they can look better.  and, by the way, college apps are exactly the same way.  which i intend to take full advantage of, and i guess it improves society as a whole, or something.  so it's not necessarily a bad thing.

but here's my problem.  i'm a perfectionist by nature.  so all this "perform well to excel" stuff really took root in my subconscious.  but, i've also been raised a Christian, and now i pursue Christ with my life (or i try to).  the thing is, Christianity is all about Christ (duh...).  Who is all about love.  which is a lot about selflessness and humility and grace.  all of which becomes a real problem for someone who has been ingrained with a perfectionism and performance focus their whole life.  sometimes i think i might try to do the same thing as a Christian, rather than making it about my relationship with God.  i do it with everything, rather than making everything about my relationship with God.

it stresses me out and makes me numb.  this was me yesterday:

it's all the same.

everything i say, everything i do, everything i think about, all my responses to people, all my feelings, all my responsibilities.  even the patterns i play when i'm improvising.  there's nothing new.  everything is just growing stale, like bread that no one wants to eat.  even the things that i normally enjoy are growing old and monotonous.  tonight the only things that motivate me are sleep and silence, neither of which i have much promise of getting soon.

well, thanks, my numerous environmental contributors.  i know you meant the very best for me, but as it turns out, you really just confused my life-path that much more.  but at least you made it so that i had to find my own way, which might be good.

anyway, now i'm inundated with a million and five different options about my next steps in a scholarly/careerly direction.  i know neither what i want, nor what will be best.  i've been praying for direction, so hopefully when i'm quite ready to listen and think about it and make a decision, it will be made clear to me.  i guess i'll try to stop worrying about it until then.

~ ~ ~

completely unrelated side note:  today i looked up the lyrics and lyric meanings to a Switchfoot song that i listened to.  i already had kind of an idea what i thought about the song, but i wanted to see what other people's interpretations of it were.  the first one was completely different than what i was thinking.  my reaction:  hmm... i didn't think about it that way.  it makes sense, but i can't relate to it at all.  i kind of hope the intent was something different.  then i skimmed through the next comment, thinking, huh.  that's pretty cool and relevant.  then the next comment, somebody quoted Jon Foreman, saying what inspired him to write the song.  it was pretty much exactly what i thought at first.  =D  and i could relate to this song perfectly.  it was beautiful.

stalker

i really enjoy learning.  i am interested in a lot of different things, and so increasing my knowledge and/or skill in them is pretty cool.  i actually don't mind school (for the most part).

but sometimes (this time included), i really wish that i had it done and over with, and that i was a normal working adult.  it seems a lot less interesting and more monotonous, with quite possibly a more stressful working environment, but here's why: when most people with a full-time job come home, they can escape from their work for the time that they're there.  most of the time they are allowed to just stop thinking about it for a while.

when i come home, my "work" is already there, waiting and running its stopwatch.

that might be part of the reason why my schedule is so weird, why i go around tired a lot, why i seem (to myself at least) to be unfocused and undisciplined, and why i forget my violin at home on the day of a concert.  maybe.

i have peace in the fact that God will help me through it, somehow.  He always does.  i hope He helps me figure out a more permanent and reliable solution for this scenario before it ends, so i can learn from that.

traffic jam

last night my parents and i went to the church to watch a movie called Trade of Innocents.




man.  if i had the benefit of all the vocabulary in the dictionary, i don't think i could adequately describe my shock and disgust.  i know i tend to be naive, especially for someone my age, but i don't know how up until now i've been so oblivious to the fact that there are people so despicable.  ugh... *shudders*.  and to the fact that this is so prevalent within my own city--my own corner of the city, even.  or rather... i guess i kind of knew, but it wasn't so real for me.  you know how you hear something, but it just goes through your ears as some kind of distant story.

here's the thing.  as bad as all that is, i know that somehow God is still in control of it all.  He loves those people, whom He created, more than any sympathy we could have.  He hates that sin more than any of us could know or relate to.  and... He also loves the criminals and the perverts who take advantage of it.

after the movie, and after we broke off into prayer circles, i met a woman who had raised five children in the mountains, where trafficking is apparently much easier.  she had raised her children to be cautious and aware, but she told of a time when her own daughter was almost stolen, and of when a man was stalking her children.  like... following them around, and watching them with binoculars.  can you imagine???  maybe so.  i can't.

AND, this is just one of the world's many problems.  but how can i live this same way any longer?  or complain about anything anymore?  or say that i have any problems at all?  or just obliviously live in my own little bubble any longer?  seriously!  the biggest immediate problem i can claim is my overload of stuff to do, which i've brought on myself!  i know i won't singlehandedly stop this.  i'm not sure what i can do.  or if i can do anything.  or if this is even something i'm being called to serve with.  but i can't just do nothing about everything anymore.  not when this actually goes on daily, for millions.  not when people are constantly in danger because of this and other things worldwide.  i have to find something that i can do effectively to help something, and to share God's truth effectively with someone.  that's the only thing that will clean up messes with any kind of permanency, but even still...

wow.  that second-to-last sentence reminded me of a woot shirt my brother has, which helped my already suffering focus approximately not at all.

i guess i'm about done.  i'm glad God is still on the throne through all this and that He is actively involved in His world, or this (and any) situation would be completely hopeless.  and i need to start more actively seeking out what God's will is for me in public issues like this.  if what i'm doing right now is really all i can and should be, then whatever.  but i have to know.  i kind of doubt it is, though, because i'm not really ok with passive ignorance and submission and acceptance anymore.

~ ~ ~

actually, i guess there is one more thing i've been wondering, of which i was reminded while writing.  i might be writing more on this at some point later, but yesterday morning, i heard someone used the phrase "feel called to serve" in such and such an area.  my question is this:  if you "feel" like you should or want to serve in an area, does that necessarily mean that you are being called to it?  and conversely, if you don't have strong feelings for it, does that mean you aren't called to it?  i think that sometimes God speaks through feelings, but is that a reliable way to determine His will for us?

crapuscular

yes.  it was intentional.  :)

i'm hopelessly addicted to nighttime.  i know it because i sometimes stay up later than i actually have to, even though it makes me exhausted the next day.

i think it's more than just being a night owl.  that's what it used to be.  when i was little, i used to not want to go to bed because i thought i would miss something.  it was cool to stay up late.  then later on, i actually had to stay up late to get everything done.  but it was ok, because i was usually alright the next day.  but i hated when my parents started going to bed before i did.  so then i wanted to go to bed early, especially once my lack of sleep started catching up with me, but i couldn't because i had too much homework and stuff.  then i started going to bed anyway (sometimes unintentionally) and just finishing stuff in the morning.  or, occasionally, taking the 0.

now, it's kinda the same, except i actually want to stay up late.  i've come to enjoy the silence and solitude (i used to hate that) and privacy of the late night, after everyone has gone to bed.  but the thing is, i still have to get up around 5:30 or 6:00, forcing me to also be a morning person (so unnatural!).  then i only get a few hours of sleep, and i'm tired the next day.  and i fall asleep in classes and am unproductive.  and then i fall asleep at night with my school clothes still on (i've actually done that multiple times in the same week.  how pathetic is that?!).  but i love the night so much!  :(

i must find a solution.  a nap, maybe?  psshhh!  as if i had time for that.  maybe a nighttime nap.  :)
but i have a feeling that the solution will eventually just have to be for me to be disciplined enough to get over it and be responsible with my time.  bleh...

EBS

as promised.  this is mainly just for future (and past) reference.

Exploding Brain Syndrome--an ailment in which a person's emotional experiences exceed his or her capacity for comprehension

that's right.  i have discovered and diagnosed a new condition (of sorts...).  ;D  anyway, there are also different varieties of this... umm... newly discovered ailment.

Type 1:  The victim experiences emotions of such differing varieties that he or she cannot contain them due to their extreme opposing natures.

this is the most common type that i have experienced.  like if you have a bunch of things in your life that are totally amazing and a bunch of things that are just completely terrible and/or tragic, and they're fighting for your brain energy.

Type 2:  The victim experiences uncontainable excitement, bliss, or euphoria.

this happened to me the couple weeks before youth camp, but basically you are anticipating and/or experiencing something (or many things that are) super-duper-ly exciting (wow.  i actually used that phrase).

Type 3:  The victim experiences an uncontainable infuriating sense of something that has come close to turning out beautifully well but has gone amiss.

this is so extremely difficult to put into words that there is a very high risk of me being misunderstood, but whatever.  the best example that i can think of is when i have had awesome and growing platonic relationships that i realized were tainted with a slight unwanted romance.  anguish seems like too despairing/dramatic of a word to use, but something equally strong in a slightly different context would be about perfect.



there might be more, but that's the gist of it.  basically, i call it EBS when i have a barely controllable urge just to scream or jump or cry out (or all of them).  that's actually how this whole writing business started--something that had to escape my usually reserved premises.

semi-retropost: Abraham's almost-sacrifice

ok, i confess.  this one is not technically a full retropost, since i wrote this part after the fact.  but that doesn't make it any less true.

anyone who knows me likely knows that the way i do in school is very important to me.  it's not just my own anal perfectionism.  anything into which i invest that much time and energy i want to be done well.  if i have less than an A in a class, it means that i'm not getting as much out of it as i want to be.  i don't say this to toot my own horn [lol... :)].  but to fully understand the story, you have to know how all-or-nothing i tend to be about most things.

the weekend before this happened was the directly after the end of the semester.  i was pretty sure i was going to get a B+ in my history class, especially since i had not had an A since the first day of school (no joke).  so i had to spend the WHOLE weekend (+ monday) getting used to a B in this class.

i know what you might be thinking.

"boo hoo, elmadu.  woe is you.  stop being such a perfectionist, and get over it."

i know, i know.  and over that weekend, i really had to examine my motives for pressuring myself so much and how important this is really going to be to my life (which is not as much as everyone would like me to believe).  but still!!!  i hate it.  and i hate that there's not really hope of change in the near future.  but at least i did the best i could with the limited time i had, and without warping my priorities too severely.

this is not about grades.  it's about grace.

and so, without further ado...

~ ~ ~

[written 1/22/13]

ahh... tuesday.  the first day of the week.  i love monday holidays.

i am late-but-"lucky" for 0 period PE again this morning, as i often am.  meaning my class isn't assembled yet. so i'm not marked tardy.

when it is over, i take my stuff to the bathroom to change.  my friend finishes before me, so i tell her i will see her at the library, as i usually do the first day of the week, which starts later than other days.  afterwards, i think about it.  actually, says my thoughts, i don't really have to go to the library.  i finished all of my homework.  that means that i can finish my Bible-reading-ness during this half-hour instead.  then i can print out my homework, and just go to class.  sweet!  so i leisurely keep changing, overhearing some conversation between a couple other girls.

"How much time do we have?"

"We still have a few more minutes"

until the collaboration bell rings, i guess?  i wonder why they are in such a hurry.  maybe they forgot about collaboration schedule on mondays.
...
...
...
...
...
wait a second.  today is tuesday.  therefore there is no collaboration schedule today, and therefore, no extra half-hour.  that means i have just a few minutes to finish changing and go all the way across campus and print out my homework and still get to class on time. crap!!!!!

i hate monday holidays.

so i hastily finish up and get out of the bathroom.  the bell rings on my way to the library.  great. whatever.  hopefully i can get a late pass to class.  i arrive and quickly start getting into my account to print my stuff.

"Hon?"  from behind me.  probably directed at someone else.  the librarian seemed pretty busy.

"Hon."  i turn around, just to make sure.  looking straight at me, the librarian says "Hon, you can't be on the computer right now, because the bell already rang.  You need to go to class."

"But I need to print my--"

"I'm sorry, but you need to go to class now."

%!^@#&!*#&(&$^=+#@*^%$!!!!!!!      [for the reader who is reading this and freaking out right now, that does NOT represent swearing.  but just... ugh!!! stupid stupid stupid school rules!!!  and stupid me!!!  there are no words to express this.]

so i leave the library and head directly for the counseling center.  i WILL NOT go to class without my homework.  the counseling center doesn't care, and they let me print my homework and give me a pass to class.  loverly.

my 1st period teacher accepts the pass. :)

"Ok, now I'm going to pull up the grades from this past semester, so you can all see how you did."

ugh.  here comes my B.  so sad.  the last time i got a B, i was in fourth grade.  it was in social studies, like this stupid history class.  but whatever.  i've moved on over the weekend, if not really gotten over it.

but i can't find my I.D. number up there.  not very surprising, since the numbers are next to microscopic.  ok, i know that it ends with 73, so maybe i can at least make out those two numbers.  the only number i can find ending in 73 is near the top, next to an A-.  no way.  seriously?!?!?!?!!!  i'd better check at home just to make sure i'm not seeing things...


i've never been so happy to see an A- before.

but the thing is, the weekend of accepting my B kinda changed my perspective.  grades are not the most important thing ever, and one B is not going to break my life.  i've been gradually adjusting to this idea for a while, but this kinda finished it off.

this is amazing.  i sincerely think that God really wanted me to put things into perspective.  to see how much i would give up and still commit to following Him, and not give in to homework/study pressures.  but i'm still grateful that he allowed me to get an A in the class.  it's like Someone shows you exactly what death is like, and you totally think it's happening, but then you don't actually die.  He didn't have to do that.  it was my own fault.  but He helped me through it and got me there.

Lord, thank You for showing me your Love for me in every way.  thank You for helping me in finally getting the A, but thank You more for teaching me surrender and humility and perspective.  i can't for the life of me understand why You gave me that A in the end (because You really did give it to me), but i thank You anyway.  You have an amazing way of teaching me.  henceforth, i am even more fully Yours than before.  not that i wasn't sincere before, but You have now given me a deeper understanding.  thank You, once again.