the right attitude, lest i forget

Lord, thank You for a fantastic family who cares about me.  thank You for good friends and a great church.  thank You that i never need to worry about any material needs being met.  thank You for fun things to do and useful things to do and hobbies and abilities.  thank You for tons of good times and good memories.  thank You for support from all around me.

thank You for opportunities to grow.  thank You for times that seem hard, though they are not often or severe.  thank You for Your hope.  i'm sorry that i am so often such a self-centered ingrate.

You are always faithfulness.  You are always love.  You are always wisdom.  may i never doubt You.

Amen.

deception

halfway through watching Inception, i realized it was the wrong movie for taking my mind off of things (i was a bit...emotionally unsettled).  later on, i realized it was the right movie for making me think about things in depth.

here are the facts:
- i am highly valued by many.  i don't know of any (earthly) enemies.
- a lot of people see me as respectable and mature.
- God made me for a purpose.  He values me for more than what i am.
- He has great plans for me.  He works things out for the best for me.
- He never leaves me.
- He understands me.
- good things often require great sacrifice.  and patience.
- Satan often incorporates facts into his deception to make it more believable and undeniable.
- i have struggled a lot with making good friendships that last.



"you keep telling yourself what you know.  but what do you believe?  what do you feel?"

i've found some of the perps that are infiltrating my mind:
- you don't have a real place anywhere, or a true belonging.  when it seems like you do, it's only a temporary illusion.  it'll end before long.
- people might like you well enough, but you're not essential to anyone.
- you will probably always ultimately be alone.




what the heck????  this is utter crap!  i can give more facts, specific ones too, to prove it!  there's no reason for anyone to be worried.  i am confident in the falsehood of these stupid falsehoods.  when i wake up todayrow, i'll probably be like "man, what a drama queen!"

but they have been stuck right in there somewhere for at least nine years.  i don't believe it.  but sometimes i still feel it.

i thought i was kinda past this.  God, please make it stop.

notes to self

dear self,
i know you intend well, but you need to accept the fact that you can't solve everyone's problems.  sometimes, there just isn't anything you can do, no matter how much you try.  you're going to drive yourself (ahem.... me) insane with worrying about everyone else's troubles in life.  this isn't healthy.  come back to reality.

dear self,

umm... NO.  actually, you're right--i can't solve everyone's problems.  sometimes there really is nothing i can do to help.  a lot of the time actually.  it's frustrating as... i don't know.  something really frustrating.  but i can't just not do anything.  i can't just not try to help.  even when i know that things are waaay beyond my capability.  i have to at least show the people i care about that i'm there for them.  and anyway, who appointed you the doctor, telling me what is and isn't healthy?  isn't it part of my calling as a Christian to love and care for other people?

dear self,
you do need to care for other people.  but when you know that it's futile to try to help in a changing way, it's time to stop worrying.  you can be there for the people you love without getting so involved in everything.

dear self,

i may not be able to do anything.  but maybe, just maybe, God can make something of my feeble and inexperienced efforts, and maybe it can be something at least a little encouraging or thought-inspiring to all those other people.  they might not need me, but they do need Him.  just try and stop me.

Amen. (not my last, though)

Your spirit hovers over my waters
Your love burns longer than the sun
The skies of thunder echo Your wonder
Your praises can't be over-sung

The whole universe is witness
To only a part of what You've done

So let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

You see my weakness, my pride, my blindness
You wield your power through them all
Of all Your mysteries, still the greatest to me
Is that You're faithful when I fall

How can I say I know You
When what I know is still so small?

Let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
Oh, let me rediscover You

Let me cry "Holy, holy, holy"
Let me awaken to Your majesty
And see a glimmer of Your glory
Let me abide in You

Let me rediscover You
And by Your grace I'll follow through
Reveal to me the God I thought I knew

Let me rediscover You
And breathe in me Your life anew
Tell me of the God I never knew
And let me rediscover You
Oh, let me rediscover You

Tell me of the God I never knew
Jesus, let me rediscover You.


wow.  yes.