they say that if we are saved, it is because God saved us, but if we are not saved, it's unbelief. but how can we believe without faith? and if it's God who gives us faith, how can you place responsibility on humans for this decision? by this reasoning, is it just an illusion that we make decisions? because it sounds to me like God decides who gets to know him and go to Heaven. and, by extension, who doesn't.
so how can i be expected to find comfort in his choosing me and not someone else? they say that it's faith to accept these paradoxes, but for me to accept them is to buy into a different God than i've always known, a God who is inconsistent, plays favorites, and didn't actually die for every person. a God who says he does not will that any should perish, yet condemns some to Hell for no discernible reason. no, i am not comforted. i cannot believe it.
but would it cease to be true just because i didn't believe it? let's pause for a second, to think of the ramifications. if this were true, God's will would still be inexorable. we still wouldn't stand a chance against him. so even if i didn't agree with his system of justice, what good would it do to disagree openly? people only oppose God because it doesn't suit them to believe in him, but it would be absolute folly to believe and still oppose him. even to believe and do nothing to further his purpose would be extremely self-centered, saving only yourself while knowing others were in danger. a better strategy would be to convince yourself that your cause was a just one, if only for the sake of being able to live with yourself. so Christianity would look exactly the same, but love would no longer enter into the equation; we would follow God solely out of fear. in fact, this is probably what it looks like to a critically-thinking outsider. in short, is it a given that an almighty God must always be a good one?
yet we are assured in Scripture that he is good.. that's, like, his main defining trait. so all of my conclusions must go through this filter if Scripture is to be believed (which, if it weren't, this would be a pointless and entirely different rant).
if there are multiple possible paths to orthodoxy, this question is not a particularly useful one. the main result of me rehashing this question is me questioning God's character. i am always trying to learn more about his character. but now i'm terrified i'll discover something about him that will contradict everything i've always believed. i suppose that's where faith comes in--believing in his goodness, even when i don't understand all the details.
at my core, i am deeply relational, and also deeply curious. i always want to know why. i especially want to discover why people do things and how they work. so i have to conclude that i'm this inquisitive out of love, not just skepticism. i may never be satisfied with an answer to this question. but i have to keep digging.
