subtlety

i've said this before, but for me, it's the littlest things that make the biggest difference.

more and more and more i am realizing the value i see in subtlety, and that i have always been this way.  it takes very little for me to get the point of something (usually).

things like facial expressions, tones of voice, and minor actions have a big impact on me.  even more than that, i think that those little things oftentimes tell more than words or very intentional actions do, because they speak of a person's automatic reactions.  that explains why people have sometimes made my day just with their smile.

jokes are kind of the same way.  some of the funniest people to me are the people who say funny things either slightly under their breath or things that only some people would get.  the sorts of things that you really have to be paying attention to catch.  but when you do catch it, it's more special.

love--who?

"Jesus said to love your neighbor/enemy.  but He didn't say you have to like them."

= a Christian's favorite thing to say.  the universal cop-out.

i used to agree with this idea wholeheartedly, but lately i've been thinking about the ways in which people interact, and i'm not so sure i do anymore.  in fact, i'm starting to challenge the idea that there's even a distinction between loving and liking at all.

what if someone came up to you and said:
"i love you in Christ.  and i'm here for you if you ever need anything."
and then they never called you, texted you, emailed you, or made any real effort to further their relationship with you in any way?  and furthermore, what if they evaded your questions if you asked them about their life/issues/struggles?

or say they did the opposite of all that, but only because they felt that they had to.  is that still love?

if you're reading this and wondering if i'm talking about you, don't worry--you're probably fine.  i mean, if you have done this, then by all means, be affected by it.  but i actually bring this up because i'm really, really guilty of doing this exact thing, and it's horrible.

i think sometimes we tend to view Christianity as an obligation to other people, and even though we say we've given God our hearts/lives/all/[honestly, pick your cliche], we still look at some situations and only want to fulfill the bare minimum requirement in order to say we "love" people.  the thing is... ooh, i hate to say this, but... it kind of is an obligation? but if we look at it as an obligation, it probably means our hearts are in the wrong place.  and so you're stuck with that dilemma of either doing the right thing for the wrong reason, or not doing the right thing at all.

example: "i can't stand you, but i'm supposed to love you, so i will pretend like i actually like you, and then if you really do need something, i'll lend a hand.  but please don't need anything."

vs.

"i can't stand you. leave me alone."

on the one hand, you're sacrificing integrity.  but on the other hand, you're sacrificing God's command.  it might not seem like such a big dilemma if you don't have a problem telling people exactly what you think of them, or if you don't mind being a hypocrite.  what i mean is, i would not care to have a friend who offered their friendship (even with good intentions), but would not actually have chosen me as a friend normally.

so the question: what do you do if you find yourself wanting (or having) to love someone when you don't actually like them very much?

ooh... what to do...... if only you could actually change your heart about the matter, then it wouldn't be so bad...

wait.  there actually is something about that that could happen.  i believe that's actually an integral part of what God does--change people's hearts about things.  if they let Him.  but, you know, that could require giving up your good image, or your social status, or your personal comfort.  God wouldn't want that, right?  personal sacrifice?  it would be so much easier just to put on a happy face for a little while.

as humans, we have ideas of what is good and right, but pretty much all we can manage ourselves are cheap imitations, even if we mean well.  but God?  He can actually change things in us.  in fact, isn't that a major part of what prayer is?  opening up to God's change?

huh.