dear Infinite One,
i barely have words for You. where shall i begin?
ok, ok. first of all, thank You for always being... here, You, love, forgiving, gracious... i could go on for always, i think. thank You for putting up with me all the time, and for seeking out the best in me. thank You for showing me the heart cause of my fear. thank You for revealing its foundation for what it was: a craftily woven trampoline of lies. thank You for providing for me, even when i thought You didn't. thank You more than anything for my Family. had i ever known life before?
help me to have confidence. not in myself, but in You in me. and You around me. help me to experience You more fully every day. if You are willing, let me be the tool You use to make a difference in someone's life. help me be sensitive and responsive, so i can hear You calling me. and especially help me to keep this mentality.
one more thing: in response to Your invitation, yes absolutely. i am ready to be less long-distance Facebook friends, or even blog followers. i want to live life alongside You, breathing in Your air, watching You work, and living as friends. time for more than a virtual relationship. i didn't exactly realize what i've been missing out on, but i'm ready to start striving for something new, unworthy and flawed and unfaithful as i am. i know that You can use even the most unclean (well... spiritually i guess that's not really a gradient). for those who know You, You see only the beauty You designed. so, here i am. make me that--the person You had in mind.
here i am.
love,
Your friend and disciple
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, June 8, 2014
a detailed answer to an indirect question
whew! ok. i'm really sorry... i hate posting so many different things all in one night. it feels unfair to the posts because they all have to share the attention, and unfair to you, because you'll probably want to sit down and read the whole thing. my reasoning was that they're all pretty related. in fact, it was only after i was well into the writing process that i realized there was enough for several posts rather than just one.
here's to answering questions in completeness. :)
here's to answering questions in completeness. :)
perfectionitis or senioritis?
"people who always strive for perfection don't understand how anyone else can do otherwise."
-yours truly
at this moment I am fluctuating about the wisdom of this concept, so we'll see how it goes.
"you can't always be perfect, and a lot of the time, things don't really matter as much as you think they do. put it in perspective."
yes. i know this. here's what i have to say:
before i started getting all crazy stressed out about stuff (school, mostly), i would always strive for perfection, or at least my best. last year-ish, i started to realize that i have limits on things like time, energy, ability to always work on little sleep, strength of will, etc. so this past year (of school), i have been trying to mend that by doing things more in order of importance to me personally, and by getting more sleep (a bit) and rest.
this is good.
all in all, i haven't changed all that much, but in some ways--drastically. sleep and rest have both risen several places on my must-do list. so has social life, especially since i have learned more ways that is ties into--no, is necessary for--my faith. which i put first in my mind, though i fail often to put it into action. why is homework such a high priority when so many other things are more important? there can only be one top of the list. consequently, down it went.
my grades have shown it, too. not that they're bad. just...lower than before. as i write this, i feel foolish for caring so much about something that probably doesn't matter all that much in reality. yet, i know i could've done better, and that eats at me.
also, i sort of think that the biggest thing that has changed is my work ethic. while the other things have gone up a little, mostly i look back and wonder where all of my time has been squandered. and why have i had sooo much less energy? (that one i still haven't figured out--could be more emotional energy going out, or maybe recovering from poor resting habits of last year... not sure) i know i'm much less stressed, and probably more healthy. but i think i may have left my old goals only to fail at the new.
this is bad.
and it's at least part of why i have been (occasionally) feeling out of sorts. i can't do this anymore. it feels shameful, even if it is a learning experience. i can't go on giving less than a full to anything i do, even things i may never use again, because i still feel wholly disappointed when i fail.
so: back to my original plan for this. to stay motivated, but not blow things out of perspective. growth is discouraging. at least for me. because i don't grow quickly, so it's easy to mistake it for failure, when really, it's just a journey to a goal that isn't finished yet. so i guess i can be encouraged now that i know that.
-yours truly
at this moment I am fluctuating about the wisdom of this concept, so we'll see how it goes.
"you can't always be perfect, and a lot of the time, things don't really matter as much as you think they do. put it in perspective."
yes. i know this. here's what i have to say:
before i started getting all crazy stressed out about stuff (school, mostly), i would always strive for perfection, or at least my best. last year-ish, i started to realize that i have limits on things like time, energy, ability to always work on little sleep, strength of will, etc. so this past year (of school), i have been trying to mend that by doing things more in order of importance to me personally, and by getting more sleep (a bit) and rest.
this is good.
all in all, i haven't changed all that much, but in some ways--drastically. sleep and rest have both risen several places on my must-do list. so has social life, especially since i have learned more ways that is ties into--no, is necessary for--my faith. which i put first in my mind, though i fail often to put it into action. why is homework such a high priority when so many other things are more important? there can only be one top of the list. consequently, down it went.
my grades have shown it, too. not that they're bad. just...lower than before. as i write this, i feel foolish for caring so much about something that probably doesn't matter all that much in reality. yet, i know i could've done better, and that eats at me.
also, i sort of think that the biggest thing that has changed is my work ethic. while the other things have gone up a little, mostly i look back and wonder where all of my time has been squandered. and why have i had sooo much less energy? (that one i still haven't figured out--could be more emotional energy going out, or maybe recovering from poor resting habits of last year... not sure) i know i'm much less stressed, and probably more healthy. but i think i may have left my old goals only to fail at the new.
this is bad.
and it's at least part of why i have been (occasionally) feeling out of sorts. i can't do this anymore. it feels shameful, even if it is a learning experience. i can't go on giving less than a full to anything i do, even things i may never use again, because i still feel wholly disappointed when i fail.
so: back to my original plan for this. to stay motivated, but not blow things out of perspective. growth is discouraging. at least for me. because i don't grow quickly, so it's easy to mistake it for failure, when really, it's just a journey to a goal that isn't finished yet. so i guess i can be encouraged now that i know that.
is it good?
for a long time i've had a problem with the statement "God is all you need." i don't even think it's biblical. but i've heard it so much. it seems like it should be true. in fact, i would be truly relieved to find out that it was true. then i could just change something i was doing, and all my problems would be solved. mostly because i find myself lonely so often. i've come to the conclusion that i really need human intimacy to be socially/emotionally healthy (no way!!!).
i think i might not be wrong about this. (how's that for a confident challenge?)
even though God made Adam, walked with him (at the time), created tons of other creatures, still Adam had no suitable companion among all of them until Eve. then it was good.
i think God has something really special planned/already in the works. this is my Hope.
even though God made Adam, walked with him (at the time), created tons of other creatures, still Adam had no suitable companion among all of them until Eve. then it was good.
i think God has something really special planned/already in the works. this is my Hope.
fear and desire: part ii
sorry if i repeat myself a bit from the last one. the last post was about the fear. this is about the desire. and my greatest desire (or one of them, at least) is to have a best friend. even the most mundane activity, when done among friends, can become fun, while the most intriguing can lose its fire without anyone to share it with.
"well that's easy. your best friend is just whoever your favorite friend is."
no. no. no.
i may not be picky about a lot of things, but this... oh, where do i start? actually though, i don't expect this to be very very long, since i've said a lot of this before.
for a super detailed version of this, click here. or visit the post before this one. for a more succinct and relevant version, you've come to the right place.
the main thing is that if i have a best friend, i have to be their best friend too. it has to be completely mutual understanding and confiding and enjoying. that's where the other posts come in--this is just to add on.
sometimes my friends can't understand me because of differing values or interests. sometimes i can't understand them because of an experience difference. sometimes we just can't be best friends because they are romantically attached to someone else, who, by definition, becomes their best friend. i still value all of these highly, and always will, and always will invest in them unless something important prevents me from doing so.
call me an idealist. it's probably true. i'll still be the best friend i can to all of my friends, but i am unwilling to change my definition or desire for this.
"well that's easy. your best friend is just whoever your favorite friend is."
no. no. no.
i may not be picky about a lot of things, but this... oh, where do i start? actually though, i don't expect this to be very very long, since i've said a lot of this before.
for a super detailed version of this, click here. or visit the post before this one. for a more succinct and relevant version, you've come to the right place.
the main thing is that if i have a best friend, i have to be their best friend too. it has to be completely mutual understanding and confiding and enjoying. that's where the other posts come in--this is just to add on.
sometimes my friends can't understand me because of differing values or interests. sometimes i can't understand them because of an experience difference. sometimes we just can't be best friends because they are romantically attached to someone else, who, by definition, becomes their best friend. i still value all of these highly, and always will, and always will invest in them unless something important prevents me from doing so.
call me an idealist. it's probably true. i'll still be the best friend i can to all of my friends, but i am unwilling to change my definition or desire for this.
fear and desire: part i
(disclaimer: i apologize if this makes no sense at all. this is really difficult for me, and has taken me over a month to tell anyone at all. but... here goes.)
"Well, we can talk about that, but I'm more interested in knowing your greatest fear and your greatest desire. Most of the time they're related, because people tend to desire things that will get them away from their fears."
- J. S. Mendel
"Well, we can talk about that, but I'm more interested in knowing your greatest fear and your greatest desire. Most of the time they're related, because people tend to desire things that will get them away from their fears."
- J. S. Mendel
well, friends, it has taken me pretty much my whole life, but i think i've finally uncovered a fear. a fear based on a dislike of a pattern. a pattern of close friends becoming distant friends, and of being left alone with my own social ineptitude once again. over and over and over. a fear that this pattern will never be over.
to briefly clarify, though i probably don't need to: loneliness ≠ being alone. not in the physical sense, anyway. that would be ironic for an introvert. sometimes i want to just enjoy being alone, and i'm usually the most lonely when i'm in a large group of people--but people with whom i have little or no close connection. especially if they have a close connection with each other.
loneliness is something i am quite familiar with, and have been for... a long time. the actual fear is that it won't really end.
this has two parts:
temporary-ness:
this part is more of a dismay that all my relational efforts build to something temporary (that's where a bit of hopelessness comes in). and a concern that loneliness will be always present because i will always know that the things i'm building won't last. a fear that i will never find belonging (in a close friend/group of close friends) that lasts. this sounds stupid now that it's written, but i think it might be kind of key, since i notice now that i've written about it multiple times before.
alone-ness of purpose:
this also includes interest. to sum up: not being able to relate to/with people (on a two-way level). for a full novel, read on.
"i want to be emotionally fulfilling for others, such that if i were to leave forever, they would 1) always want me to return, and 2) be unable to fill at least one specific need. i suppose this goes hand in hand with uniquity. i want others to have isaiah-shaped voids in their lives, which could at best be only partially / imperfectly filled by anyone or anything else. ...i simply cannot be content with having close relationships in which i fulfill those people in a generic, non-unique way."
- INTeJer, "RE: thoughts from out of nowhere," moon-bathing
i don't just want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around. i want to be that friend who, if i'm not there, it's just not the same. i want to be the friend that can make you smile, even if you're in the worst mood. but i also want to be the friend that you can tell anything to. i want to be the friend that can help you in a practical way when you're going through something, but if i can't be that, i at least want to be the friend who can help you through it emotionally. i want to be the friend to whom you'll lend your shoulder to cry on any day, and on whom you can count to do the same. i want to be the friend who is fulfilled by knowing you and who fulfills you too.
to briefly clarify, though i probably don't need to: loneliness ≠ being alone. not in the physical sense, anyway. that would be ironic for an introvert. sometimes i want to just enjoy being alone, and i'm usually the most lonely when i'm in a large group of people--but people with whom i have little or no close connection. especially if they have a close connection with each other.
loneliness is something i am quite familiar with, and have been for... a long time. the actual fear is that it won't really end.
temporary-ness:
this part is more of a dismay that all my relational efforts build to something temporary (that's where a bit of hopelessness comes in). and a concern that loneliness will be always present because i will always know that the things i'm building won't last. a fear that i will never find belonging (in a close friend/group of close friends) that lasts. this sounds stupid now that it's written, but i think it might be kind of key, since i notice now that i've written about it multiple times before.
alone-ness of purpose:
this also includes interest. to sum up: not being able to relate to/with people (on a two-way level). for a full novel, read on.
i have always related better to people older than i am. perhaps a result of being the youngest by so much. most people's reaction to this (not peers as much, but people on the outside) is something like "oh, you're so mature" or "responsible" or "understanding" or something really positive like that.
i'm telling you, it sucks. the only people i've found that share a common sense of purpose and/or interest to the degree that i have are in a different stage of life than i am. i thought it didn't matter (maybe someday it won't). and i am not at all giving up on those. i just realized... well...
when asked to define friendship over a year ago, i wrote an entire post about it. it was pretty thorough, but it was mostly about what a good friend would be to me. that was what i was most focused on and most grateful for at the time. i still am, but since then, i've found that it isn't quite complete... anymore.
my older (in age) friends are excellent friends to me. since developing some of these friendships, i think i know a little better what heaven must be like, because this is the closest i've ever been. but when it comes to understanding the things that bend them out of shape, sometimes i'm quite lost. it doesn't quite sit exactly right with me.
as an isjami might say, i have a balanced amount of give-of-myself-to-you relationships and receive-from-you relationships, but am somewhat lacking in the give-and-take mutual-investment deeply-connected relationships category. =)
when asked to define friendship over a year ago, i wrote an entire post about it. it was pretty thorough, but it was mostly about what a good friend would be to me. that was what i was most focused on and most grateful for at the time. i still am, but since then, i've found that it isn't quite complete... anymore.
my older (in age) friends are excellent friends to me. since developing some of these friendships, i think i know a little better what heaven must be like, because this is the closest i've ever been. but when it comes to understanding the things that bend them out of shape, sometimes i'm quite lost. it doesn't quite sit exactly right with me.
as an isjami might say, i have a balanced amount of give-of-myself-to-you relationships and receive-from-you relationships, but am somewhat lacking in the give-and-take mutual-investment deeply-connected relationships category. =)
"i want to be emotionally fulfilling for others, such that if i were to leave forever, they would 1) always want me to return, and 2) be unable to fill at least one specific need. i suppose this goes hand in hand with uniquity. i want others to have isaiah-shaped voids in their lives, which could at best be only partially / imperfectly filled by anyone or anything else. ...i simply cannot be content with having close relationships in which i fulfill those people in a generic, non-unique way."
- INTeJer, "RE: thoughts from out of nowhere," moon-bathing
i don't just want to be someone who is enjoyable to be around. i want to be that friend who, if i'm not there, it's just not the same. i want to be the friend that can make you smile, even if you're in the worst mood. but i also want to be the friend that you can tell anything to. i want to be the friend that can help you in a practical way when you're going through something, but if i can't be that, i at least want to be the friend who can help you through it emotionally. i want to be the friend to whom you'll lend your shoulder to cry on any day, and on whom you can count to do the same. i want to be the friend who is fulfilled by knowing you and who fulfills you too.
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