bares all things

ugh. sometimes being vulnerable feels more exposed than just not wearing any makeup. it feels like being completely naked (except perhaps without the immoral connotation).  i feel as if my old clothes have been burned, but the new ones are still in the mail. it's so uncomfy!!! i hate it! but i'm also glad because i'm not alone, and i believe that good will come of it. no more acting though.

Lord, thank you for my Family.

whispers of night

i can feel sleep catching up to me
wrap your arms around me and never let go.

~ ~ ~

sometimes i just want to curl up into a fetal position and cover my face, and let someone hold me tight in their arms until i fall asleep.  and then wake up and have them still be there, never leaving.

God, this is why i wish i could touch you.

unsaid and undone

all of me is bursting inside
to spill it all out, to no longer hide
to defy unspoken social norms
to tell you the tales of internal storms
and so unhindered, speak my mind.

but last time that i dared to question
and proceeded to push the bounds of convention,
i stepped on a land mine of controversy,
an explosion whose repercussions almost killed me.

pinned by debris to a difficult place
and stuck under a rock with a decision to face:
disown my own limb in hopes of release
or lie still while i bled, imploring its cease
and when bleeding stopped, abandon my case.

escaping at last with scars and wounds,
it seemed that nothing was permanently broken,
yet bleeding again from picking scabs all too soon;
all too much born of a few words misspoken.
too much was borne for those few words misspoken.

so i guess that i will just go back to bed
and cry into my pillow instead.

little is much

lately i've been finding life a little bit discouraging because it seems that no matter what i do, i still end up letting almost everyone down in some way.  not like i drop the ball every once in a while, like a human, but every day, constantly, never quite being what i should or meeting any expectations.

"that's how you feel, but i'm sure that's not actually true."

yeah? you're sure? maybe you're kind of right. not totally right, but a little. maybe.

it's kind of stupid: i don't do the things i do for anyone's approval, but somehow i still catch myself seeking it, which i hate entirely. but today (or was it yesterday?) i received a helpful reminder.


whenever i feel weak, or inadequate, or flawed, or powerless, or helpless, it's not necessarily a bad thing. it's a reality check. because i am, all of those things and less. i'm an amazing creation, but still rather insignificant in the scheme of things. because actually, it's God's power that somehow manages to do anything through me.  the more i let go and stop trying to figure everything out, the more He has to work with. especially if i focus on pleasing Him instead of everyone else. it's kind of reassuring, really.


ahh... i don't know.

"don't know what?"

anything.  but it's ok i think.