still small

i am learning how to decipher God's voice.  believe me or disbelieve me--or call me crazy if you think that.  if i were more combative or at least better at debating, i would welcome the challenge.  as it is, i'm open to it, but that's not really what this is about.

i think i accidentally ran a red light tonight.  it was one of those frontage roads, and i just kind of missed it--until i had already passed it.  pretty stupid, and i knew it.  and the guy behind me also made sure to let me know with his hands as he passed me on the next road.  whatever.  i didn't feel bad because of him, but because of myself--because i know better.

well, i made it home safely, if less "up" than earlier.  it wasn't just the driving incident that was bothering me--also my lowered performance in school, and music, and pretty much just life in general.  sometimes it's all i can do not to let the discouragement of it paralyze me from getting work done (not to sound overly-dramatic here).

anyway, i was thinking about my times with God, and how they haven't exactly been that consistent either.  it's kind of like when you know you've been a jerk to someone or failed to fulfill an obligation to them, and them you have to face them.  but then God said, "Elisa, you have devoted your whole life to following me.  I am so proud of you."

wasted well

i took today off from school work, just to make sure i got a break in sometime this month.  i mean, i still went to my classes (most of them), and i finished the work that was due today.  but my free times i spent doing other, more restful things.  like cleaning.  :)

ok, that wasn't the only thing i did.  i also got tea with some good friends, made music with them in hidden places, and had some meaningful (and humorous) conversations.  and then i came home and engaged in a heavy theological conversation with some friendly acquaintances who were hanging out in my dorm hallway.  we talked about sinners vs. saints, and sanctification, and some other cool things well into the wee hours of the morning.  needless to say, it was a pretty crazy day.

this might seem pretty mundane compared to other things i've posted, but it's actually kind of important--an ideal almost.  i like my classes, but they're kicking my butt this semester.  but today i felt alive--like an actual human being, and not just a mechanical hermit.  days like this make it all worth it.

this should be multiple posts, but whatever.

i can't even count the tears i've hidden.  tears of longing, of disappointment, of grief, of loss, of hopelessness, of jealousy... it's a wonder i even bother anymore.  but i do, because no one must see me like this, in all my ridiculousness and insecurity and dangerous pain.  it isn't safe... for them.

i wish i could let go of things that are dead, but is that a lucid clambering for closure, or is it a lack of faith?  is that small hope actually faith, or is it just a voice of desperation to resurrect something that is gone for good?  i wish i could just brush things off.

i wish i could not be ridiculous, numb to tragedy and broken-hearted over spilled milk.  i can't let go of the insecurity because there is a rational mindset to back it, but i can't let anyone see it, lest they think i'm some kind of fragile flower needing their constant consideration and sympathy.  never mind if it's true--i don't want their attachment because of that.  and no one must see my bitterness either, because it's not justified.  this isn't someone's fault, regardless of my feelings.

i don't want sympathy.  i don't want to blame anyone.  i don't want to be the jealous or overly-attached type.  i don't want to be anyone's obligation.  i just want definition and truth.  i want to stop second-guessing myself.

mental showdown: 2

*yawn*
"ahh, it's getting late.  i should probably go to bed soon."

"ahaha, no you're not.  we have work to do."

"nah, let's do it tomorrow.  it'll be fine."

"no, it won't be fine.  come on now."

"seriously, we need some sleep."

"look, we've been getting 10 hours of sleep per night for the past week.  we do NOT need sleep.  we need to get some work done."

"nope.  not doing it"

"uhm, yes.  you are."

"no."

"no?  ok, ok.  you wanna play that way?  BRING ON THE CAFFEINE!  LET'S SEE WHO WINS THIS BATTLE NOW, PUNK!"