...need i say more?
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Sunday, May 26, 2013
standing by...
ok. not entirely sure where my normal self went for a few days, but i
think it's back (mostly). and i think i finally know how to say this
without ranting (too much) and without getting all depressing and
without going off into some un-understandable subconscious ooze.
...yeah. anyway, here goes:
it really annoys and frustrates and bothers me that a lot of people just assume that everyone has ulterior motives for the things they do. i can see why, since most people do, but it still bugs me.
example: i should be able to have a friendship with a guy, and vice versa, without people assuming that either of us has romantic feelings for the other. in fact, i've seen how awesome those kinds of friendships can be, especially when there is a mutual non-romantic understanding.
and i should be able to pour energy into that kind of friendship (and vice versa) without feeling like i have to walk on eggshells any time i'm around him.
and i should be able to explain that to someone without them thinking that i'm either naively ignorant or in denial.
if both people have a very clear idea of what their relationship is and where it is going, there really should be no reason for either of them, or especially anyone else, to continually question it.
anyway, enough about what should happen, since all isn't always as it should be. what i will at least try to do, for now:
it really annoys and frustrates and bothers me that a lot of people just assume that everyone has ulterior motives for the things they do. i can see why, since most people do, but it still bugs me.
example: i should be able to have a friendship with a guy, and vice versa, without people assuming that either of us has romantic feelings for the other. in fact, i've seen how awesome those kinds of friendships can be, especially when there is a mutual non-romantic understanding.
and i should be able to pour energy into that kind of friendship (and vice versa) without feeling like i have to walk on eggshells any time i'm around him.
and i should be able to explain that to someone without them thinking that i'm either naively ignorant or in denial.
if both people have a very clear idea of what their relationship is and where it is going, there really should be no reason for either of them, or especially anyone else, to continually question it.
anyway, enough about what should happen, since all isn't always as it should be. what i will at least try to do, for now:
- make sure that such relationships (when they start to get fairly close) have an undeniable understanding of direction
- act the same as i would, as much as i can, even if people start to suspect romance
Monday, May 20, 2013
bucket list
i don't normally take part in trendy stuff, but just this once i'll make an exception, even though i know i won't end up doing all of these (so maybe it's not a real bucket list, but whatever). anywhoo, this stuff would be cool to do sometime...
[note: this list may be subject to additions, but if i do that, i'll say so.]
[note: this list may be subject to additions, but if i do that, i'll say so.]
- learn some piano
- learn some guitar
- learn mandolin
- maybe learn oboe or cello or flute or saxophone
- take voice lessons
- learn to sing and play violin at the same time
- learn to dance and play violin at the same time
- complete that transcription list
- get an electric violin
- learn more about the technical side of music
- arrange/participate in acting out music (costumes and everything!)
- become a songwriter
- play some kind of gig with Brian and Sean
- learn about music theory[!!!!!!!]
- learn about music history
- successfully throw a surprise party for a friend
- learn some kind of martial art
- learn fencing and/or archery
- learn some kind of dancing (more than marching band)
- cycle a century
- stay up on water skis for at least a minute
- watch ALL THE DISNEY MOVIES!!! well, maybe just the old cartoon ones
- get into photography
- learn to paint like my grandmas
- have a d&d (or another rpg) group
- go nocturnal for at least a few days
- spend a few days being left-handed
- build my own house
- build a woodworking "shop" outside my house
- build a tree house and camp out in it
- learn how to fix most stuff on a bike
- learn how to fix most stuff on a car
- make instrument touch-sensor shirt that plays
- perform a Candid Camera type skit with some friends in a public place
- become unrecognizable for a day, just for the fun of it
- cosplay for something
- start a podcast (maybe teaching or how-to or children's education of some kind?)
- create (with a group of other people) a stop-motion outreach video.
- learn Greek
- learn Hebrew
- learn Portuguese?
- make a Bible timeline (an actual one, not just a chronological Bible)
- learn to live and successfully communicate God's word
- lead someone to Christ
Sunday, May 19, 2013
the value of hiding
last june or so, i discovered that one of the things i wanted very most was to be understood, so i started to lower my shield, just a little. which turned out to be a good thing. i hope i didn't unveil too much before realizing the value of a veil, though. i don't think i did.
if you're a guy, and you wonder why girls sometimes "play games" with you, i'll tell you why. it's because they want to know how much you want them. how much you will fight to win them over. (maybe that's common knowledge already, but whatever. this has nothing to do with my point. it's only another analogy.)
with other relationships, it's the same thing. at least for me. here's what i mean: i know that someone (of either gender) really wants to know me for who i really am if they are willing to dig down deep and fight through all that other garbage that i put on as a mask. it's also the same reason that poets cover what they're actually trying to say in layers and layers of metaphoric language: so that the reader has to learn it by figuring it out for himself. (that's also part of the reason i started blogging, since few people know about it, and fewer actually read it. but those who do want to.)
sometimes explaining the meaning of something defeats the whole purpose of it, because the explainee did not have to do their own work to understand what i was trying to say.
but sometimes i just want to blurt everything out to someone who knows me really well. no masks, no metaphors, no veil. that's really hard when i know that anyone i could tell would either a) not understand, or b) be affected by it too much.
if you're a guy, and you wonder why girls sometimes "play games" with you, i'll tell you why. it's because they want to know how much you want them. how much you will fight to win them over. (maybe that's common knowledge already, but whatever. this has nothing to do with my point. it's only another analogy.)
with other relationships, it's the same thing. at least for me. here's what i mean: i know that someone (of either gender) really wants to know me for who i really am if they are willing to dig down deep and fight through all that other garbage that i put on as a mask. it's also the same reason that poets cover what they're actually trying to say in layers and layers of metaphoric language: so that the reader has to learn it by figuring it out for himself. (that's also part of the reason i started blogging, since few people know about it, and fewer actually read it. but those who do want to.)
sometimes explaining the meaning of something defeats the whole purpose of it, because the explainee did not have to do their own work to understand what i was trying to say.
but sometimes i just want to blurt everything out to someone who knows me really well. no masks, no metaphors, no veil. that's really hard when i know that anyone i could tell would either a) not understand, or b) be affected by it too much.
Monday, May 13, 2013
protection or prison?
can you see the fury in my eyes
or feel the fire within me?
it's hard to sense; i hide it well.
but with this desperate gasp, i cry
ere i suffocate completely
'neath the burden of your love.
has it escaped your astute observation,
your overactive insight,
the benefits that here indwell?
that it spurs growth, and thus, elation
which your safekeeping might
save me from what was from above?
your wisdom great surpasses mine,
as does your experience,
but can you negative foretell
that which my eyes have clearly seen,
retaining common sense?
do you trust my trust enough?
or feel the fire within me?
it's hard to sense; i hide it well.
but with this desperate gasp, i cry
ere i suffocate completely
'neath the burden of your love.
has it escaped your astute observation,
your overactive insight,
the benefits that here indwell?
that it spurs growth, and thus, elation
which your safekeeping might
save me from what was from above?
your wisdom great surpasses mine,
as does your experience,
but can you negative foretell
that which my eyes have clearly seen,
retaining common sense?
do you trust my trust enough?
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
meet me in the middle
i tend to be kind of a perfectionist. you probably already know that about me.
my mind has been kind of like a pendulum in that respect. for so long i have been pushing myself to do the best that is possible. but then, once i started reevaluating the underlying values in that motivation (which were mostly selfish), i started swinging the other way. eventually i got to the point where i almost didn't care about... achievement, for lack of a better word... of any kind. almost. thank God (i think) for that part deep inside me that wouldn't let go. i'm coming back now, but i plan to stop before swinging all the way back again.
don't get me wrong though. it's not all about me. that is what i need my subconscious to understand. i need to stay motivated, but not so that i can be a more accomplished or successful individual. it's so that God's purpose for me may be realized, and that He may be glorified through what He created.
(oh, and when i say motivated, it no longer means "convince yourself you really care so that you can do better and get through this easier." now i mean "do the best you can, and keep going, but rely on the peace that God doesn't expect your perfection... only your devotion.")
i think this might be my lesson.
my mind has been kind of like a pendulum in that respect. for so long i have been pushing myself to do the best that is possible. but then, once i started reevaluating the underlying values in that motivation (which were mostly selfish), i started swinging the other way. eventually i got to the point where i almost didn't care about... achievement, for lack of a better word... of any kind. almost. thank God (i think) for that part deep inside me that wouldn't let go. i'm coming back now, but i plan to stop before swinging all the way back again.
don't get me wrong though. it's not all about me. that is what i need my subconscious to understand. i need to stay motivated, but not so that i can be a more accomplished or successful individual. it's so that God's purpose for me may be realized, and that He may be glorified through what He created.
(oh, and when i say motivated, it no longer means "convince yourself you really care so that you can do better and get through this easier." now i mean "do the best you can, and keep going, but rely on the peace that God doesn't expect your perfection... only your devotion.")
i think this might be my lesson.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
prayer of a bowl of petunias
Lord, i know that you are the giver of all good things. You want the best for me. i trust You.
i'll be honest: i hate this. sooo much. even though i enjoy band a lot, it doesn't compare to worship music, and this isn't what i imagined for my summer. at least it's only practices, not Sundays. i know You could change it if You wanted to. i also realize that this isn't some kind of traumatic life-changing decision. but it is giving up kind of a lot for me. i trust that in leading me through this, You will make me the kind of person who can be content in any situation, and who will gladly give up anything for You. maybe You have great plans that i can't yet imagine. i hope so.
self, don't despair; it will hurt some (even more than last time), but it won't be that bad. and don't be sad; there's nothing more to be done, so get used to it for the time.
edit 5/29/13: to anyone who reads this, this is the follow up. God is AWESOME. always. even if He doesn't go with your plans. this time, for me, He did change the situation, which is amazing. but even if He hadn't, He would still be AWESOME. just don't forget that. the end.
i'll be honest: i hate this. sooo much. even though i enjoy band a lot, it doesn't compare to worship music, and this isn't what i imagined for my summer. at least it's only practices, not Sundays. i know You could change it if You wanted to. i also realize that this isn't some kind of traumatic life-changing decision. but it is giving up kind of a lot for me. i trust that in leading me through this, You will make me the kind of person who can be content in any situation, and who will gladly give up anything for You. maybe You have great plans that i can't yet imagine. i hope so.
self, don't despair; it will hurt some (even more than last time), but it won't be that bad. and don't be sad; there's nothing more to be done, so get used to it for the time.
edit 5/29/13: to anyone who reads this, this is the follow up. God is AWESOME. always. even if He doesn't go with your plans. this time, for me, He did change the situation, which is amazing. but even if He hadn't, He would still be AWESOME. just don't forget that. the end.
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