embers

"oh, i'll just listen to the Honey Trees while i do my homework.  that shouldn't distract me much because i don't know as many of the words."

o ho ho, silly self.  wrong again.  that took me about 30 seconds to figure out.

anyway, i don't really know what i'm blogging about yet, so i apologize in advance for not making sense.  but it's EBS, and it has to come out.  i actually don't even know what i'm feeling, only that it's super intense.  maybe restlessness.  i know it has to do with the Cambodia mission team coming back, and seeing Sean and his reactions to stuff and changes in him (and through him).  and hearing like three people tell me i need to go to Cambodia next year.  and being impatient about hearing everyone's stories from the trip.  also seeing Madi and Giana and Caleb and Jerad and hearing their stories of how God works and talks to them and  reveals things to them.  and feeling like a child in a room of Bible scholars.  and making plans to be more missional this next year.  and feeling nudges to keep praying for people and actually kind of hurting for them.

and then trying to sit down long enough to focus on reading about the stock market and taxes.  um, no.

ok, i think i might know what it is, or at least a piece.  talking to Jerad the other week, he rightly guessed that i feel a need for not just good relationships, but intense ones.  but i think it's the same with God.  knowing an omniscient and loving God is always there is really cool, and knowing Him personally is even cooler, but i want more.  i want it to be as intense as the guy on the street corner with no lungs and no kidneys, who just expects God's provision every moment because he knows it'll happen.  true story.  or speaking God's healing into someone's crippled legs.  or showing a broken person God's love, and seeing the transformation.  or hearing God speak back to me.  i want to see and be a part of those things.

it's not so much about real or myth anymore.  scholars can argue that until the cows come home (or Christ returns, whichever happens first), but i've made my decision already, and i've seen/heard enough to convince me anyway.  it's more about how much He is alive in my life, about my reality.

a smidgen

something has come upon me. something so small yet that i daren't even speak it.  yet it simultaneously chills me and warms me to my toes and fingertips--quite a feat.  a stirring.  an idea the size of a mustard seed, but with potential to outgrow all the garden plants.  it perhaps would not sound like a radical idea, but it could have radical effects.  and it could also pose several risks, in both the physical and spiritual realms.  but then again, doesn't everything, conscious decision or not?  i may be just the person--inspiration and roots have already started to dig in a bit--but to make it work, i may have to be twice the person i've been.  this might be from God--but i must make sure first, if i can.  if nothing comes of it, then so be it.  but if it is from God--well, let it suffice to say that it may be a part of my Purpose.

things to start scheduling a consistent time for every day

• Bible reading
• intentional prayer
• spending time all by myself, without obligations such as homework (aka resting time)
• sleep
• other stuff that has nothing to do with this post

i was already doing all of those, but with not enough consistency.

it is my intention to start being more intentional with ministering to people in an intense, casual, everyday, deliberate sort of fashion.  i admit i'm at a bit of a loss as to specifics, especially after this next year.  but i do know that in order to be effective doing this, i need to be prepared to give as much of myself as possible to people.  which means preparing more of myself to give.  i need to have at my disposal as much social, mental, emotional, and physical energy as possible, as well as time and spiritual equipment.  this will certainly be tricky, since there are already so many demands on both my time and energy, and will continue to be, at least as much as ever.  but we'll see.

so anyway...  the beginnings of a plan to be more prepared overall.

voices

just imagine:

you are travelling along your path, minding your own business, when you realize you hear a voice in the distance, calling your name.  actually, how distant is it really?  you can't quite tell.  in fact, you can't even tell which direction the voice is coming from.  come to think of it, you're not even sure how long you've been hearing it.  perhaps always.  it is faint, but insistent.  urgent, even.  the harder you listen, the more you can hear it.  oh!  it sounds like it's coming from your right, slightly behind you.  but then again, maybe not.  maybe it's actually travelling from your due left.  or . . . hmm.  if only you could take a moment to decipher, but things keep calling your attention away.   good things, bad things, people, obligations, commitments.  you've been carrying them around with you, lovingly catering to their needs and demands, but now their grabbing tendrils and outspoken voices are interrupting.  argh!!! you can hear the Voice, hear your name in its beautiful, ethereal, wild refrains.  but it travels with the wind, leaving no trail for you to track down.  other passersby--you see them listening and following.  all scattering in all directions, but with certainty.  you begin to panic because you know that whatever it's calling you to do is obviously so much more important than any of the things in your pack, but you can't locate it.

then you hear it change.  it speaks calmly, words that sound soothing.  you think you can maybe make them out, but you're not quite sure.  then it comes to you.

"Don't worry.  I will show you."

what??  show you what!?!  but the wind is picking up and the words slur together.  what now???

you sigh deeply and continue on your way, the only way you know.  but you keep your ears and eyes wide open, holding on fast to the one thing the Voice has assured you.