impact

i think a lot.  very often, i think about how i can do well in my classes whilst remaining sane and also not a complete hermit.  but for the past... oh, 6 months or so--when i haven't been thinking about surviving college--i've been thinking a lot about just how much i've received from people in my life, and about what i can give back to people, rather than just receiving from them all the time.  in a way, i've been doing what a lot of people my age (and, i suspect, other ages) do, which is trying to find "my place" in the world.  not so much like "Zuko, you must find your destiny," but more like your everyday, "what do i actually want to do with my life?"  because the more i think about it, the more convinced i am that finding a career path is not necessarily the same as finding what you want to do with your life.  there is so much more that i want out of life, and that i want to contribute with my life, besides having a job.  i mean, that's obviously a decent part of it, but not the whole by a long shot.

so anyway, i've been thinking about what i want to contribute to people, and what i can bring to the table, and so on.  as a Christian, it might be a bit easier, because i at least have a heading.  i at least have the knowledge (perspective) that Jesus is ultimately the Savior of the world, and that the world would do well to remember that.  in fact, it may just be the most important thing for them that people know and build their lives around this truth.  and i have spent time thinking about ways that people communicate this so that other people will listen.

an obvious solution for a Christian looking to spread God's truth is to become some kind of a Christian preacher or teacher or missionary.  now in a sense, all Christians are called to be preachers and teachers and missionaries, but i am referring to those who focus pretty much just on that, either as a career, or as something that takes the place of a career (like someone sponsored to do those things).  i think this is fantastic, and i think we need those people.  maybe someday i will be equipped and "called" to do that.

however, there is something else that has come into my mind recently.  i have not met very many people in my limited experience who did not know about God, but were open-minded enough for my words to make a difference to them.  i think it's because it didn't seem relevant to them.  God seemed distant and far off, unrelated to anything they were facing in their own lives, or maybe even antagonizing things about their lives.  obviously, this is pretty problematic, considering this was not God's design for people at all.  the solution?  make it relevant.

i remember spending a lot of time in youth group, and eventually time outside of youth group, learning how to make things relevant.  it has to do with finding out the heart of what God was saying when he inspired people to write the Bible.  usually the most impactful things were the ones that seemed to answer a need i had at the time.

but most people in the world have much more than emotional and mental needs.  and if those needs go unmet, a lot of people aren't in a place to receive what God has to say.  Jesus always recognized this in his ministry.  he would often heal someone, or feed someone, or restore someone, and then afterwards he would deliver God's truth to them--because then he had credibility to them and they were ready to listen.

stupid insecurities again

i have a confession to make.  oftentimes, i get deeply hurt and upset when i see my friends spending a lot of time together, not simply without me, but especially without inviting me to be with them.

i'm pretty sure i've written about this, or at least similar things, here before.  this is maybe the thing about myself that i dislike the most.  because i have no right to someone's friendship or their time.  and i need (desperately!) to learn to let go of that selfishness that holds me in that place, because it eats me alive (figuratively i hope).

i suspect that probably most people who would read this need no explanation.  but in case you're thinking "are you serious?  what is the big deal?  can't you share your friends?"  i agree.  i'm glad for you, hypothetical devil's advocate, that your emotions match up to your rational mindset.  mine do not, unfortunately.  so here's the sort of thing that goes through my head:

"oh, i see that these people are together.  man, i wish i could be there!  oh, but i wasn't invited anyway.  but why?  i thought we were all friends!  but they must be closer friends than i knew.  they just have a connection that they don't have with me.  maybe they just humor me and let me tag along with them because they are so nice and don't want me to be left out.  ha!  so much for that.  i wish i had known all along how it really was, so that i could've saved the effort.  i'm sure they didn't mean to hurt me; they just didn't think about it.  i wish i knew them better, so that i could be in that inner circle with them.  it's probably that weird thing that i do that disgusts or unnerves them.  or maybe i'm just too boring, or too childish.  that other person is so much cooler anyway..."

just to clarify, if i didn't have any friends that i wasn't super close with, i would never get anything done, because i would have no energy ever, because i would be so involved in the lives of everyone.  but it still doesn't stop the insecurity from creeping in.

understanding others complexly

a lot of people i know are very interested in different personalities and temperaments and gifts and traits.  i am too, actually.  i think the why behind the way people are is fascinating.  but i think it's easy to go overboard.

tests like the four temperaments, or the myers-briggs, or the colors, or the enneagram numbers, are helpful because they help you understand the way you are, and the way you work with other people, and why you work that way.  but i think it's also important to remember that they are ways of categorizing pre-existing people.  so even though we can put similar people into boxes together, that doesn't define them in their entirety--not by a long shot.  obviously, we're all different.  so it's important not to get caught up in placing your identity in a set of letters, or a number, or a color.