a piffy-what?

i've got it!

well, sort of.  i don't have the answer.  but i think i might at least have the question. (what do you get if you multiply six by nine?)  jk.  i already have that answer.  it's 42.  ;D

but i think i may have found part of the reason why my motives have been so conflicting.  it's at least partly because all my life, everyone around me has been stressing performance (except for maybe my family, which is a little ironic, but good).  i'm certain i'm not the only one.  think about it: i'm a musician.  the goal is to get the music as perfect as possible and get up to as high a chair placement as you can.  i'm a student.  the goal is to get good grades, to do well on important (and unimportant) tests, to challenge yourself as much as possible (and then some), to get all the different awards, to go to a good college.  even sometimes in church.  example:  you go to AWANA, memorize all your verses, get all your patches, get a plaque at the end...

don't get me wrong.  all those things are great.  but it's all (mostly) about impressing people.  i realized today that even though awards, for example, were originally set up to honor the people who did well, they got to the point where some people would do things out of normal just to get honored.  not because they enjoy it, or because it reflects who they are, but so that they can look better.  and, by the way, college apps are exactly the same way.  which i intend to take full advantage of, and i guess it improves society as a whole, or something.  so it's not necessarily a bad thing.

but here's my problem.  i'm a perfectionist by nature.  so all this "perform well to excel" stuff really took root in my subconscious.  but, i've also been raised a Christian, and now i pursue Christ with my life (or i try to).  the thing is, Christianity is all about Christ (duh...).  Who is all about love.  which is a lot about selflessness and humility and grace.  all of which becomes a real problem for someone who has been ingrained with a perfectionism and performance focus their whole life.  sometimes i think i might try to do the same thing as a Christian, rather than making it about my relationship with God.  i do it with everything, rather than making everything about my relationship with God.

it stresses me out and makes me numb.  this was me yesterday:

it's all the same.

everything i say, everything i do, everything i think about, all my responses to people, all my feelings, all my responsibilities.  even the patterns i play when i'm improvising.  there's nothing new.  everything is just growing stale, like bread that no one wants to eat.  even the things that i normally enjoy are growing old and monotonous.  tonight the only things that motivate me are sleep and silence, neither of which i have much promise of getting soon.

well, thanks, my numerous environmental contributors.  i know you meant the very best for me, but as it turns out, you really just confused my life-path that much more.  but at least you made it so that i had to find my own way, which might be good.

anyway, now i'm inundated with a million and five different options about my next steps in a scholarly/careerly direction.  i know neither what i want, nor what will be best.  i've been praying for direction, so hopefully when i'm quite ready to listen and think about it and make a decision, it will be made clear to me.  i guess i'll try to stop worrying about it until then.

~ ~ ~

completely unrelated side note:  today i looked up the lyrics and lyric meanings to a Switchfoot song that i listened to.  i already had kind of an idea what i thought about the song, but i wanted to see what other people's interpretations of it were.  the first one was completely different than what i was thinking.  my reaction:  hmm... i didn't think about it that way.  it makes sense, but i can't relate to it at all.  i kind of hope the intent was something different.  then i skimmed through the next comment, thinking, huh.  that's pretty cool and relevant.  then the next comment, somebody quoted Jon Foreman, saying what inspired him to write the song.  it was pretty much exactly what i thought at first.  =D  and i could relate to this song perfectly.  it was beautiful.

stalker

i really enjoy learning.  i am interested in a lot of different things, and so increasing my knowledge and/or skill in them is pretty cool.  i actually don't mind school (for the most part).

but sometimes (this time included), i really wish that i had it done and over with, and that i was a normal working adult.  it seems a lot less interesting and more monotonous, with quite possibly a more stressful working environment, but here's why: when most people with a full-time job come home, they can escape from their work for the time that they're there.  most of the time they are allowed to just stop thinking about it for a while.

when i come home, my "work" is already there, waiting and running its stopwatch.

that might be part of the reason why my schedule is so weird, why i go around tired a lot, why i seem (to myself at least) to be unfocused and undisciplined, and why i forget my violin at home on the day of a concert.  maybe.

i have peace in the fact that God will help me through it, somehow.  He always does.  i hope He helps me figure out a more permanent and reliable solution for this scenario before it ends, so i can learn from that.

traffic jam

last night my parents and i went to the church to watch a movie called Trade of Innocents.




man.  if i had the benefit of all the vocabulary in the dictionary, i don't think i could adequately describe my shock and disgust.  i know i tend to be naive, especially for someone my age, but i don't know how up until now i've been so oblivious to the fact that there are people so despicable.  ugh... *shudders*.  and to the fact that this is so prevalent within my own city--my own corner of the city, even.  or rather... i guess i kind of knew, but it wasn't so real for me.  you know how you hear something, but it just goes through your ears as some kind of distant story.

here's the thing.  as bad as all that is, i know that somehow God is still in control of it all.  He loves those people, whom He created, more than any sympathy we could have.  He hates that sin more than any of us could know or relate to.  and... He also loves the criminals and the perverts who take advantage of it.

after the movie, and after we broke off into prayer circles, i met a woman who had raised five children in the mountains, where trafficking is apparently much easier.  she had raised her children to be cautious and aware, but she told of a time when her own daughter was almost stolen, and of when a man was stalking her children.  like... following them around, and watching them with binoculars.  can you imagine???  maybe so.  i can't.

AND, this is just one of the world's many problems.  but how can i live this same way any longer?  or complain about anything anymore?  or say that i have any problems at all?  or just obliviously live in my own little bubble any longer?  seriously!  the biggest immediate problem i can claim is my overload of stuff to do, which i've brought on myself!  i know i won't singlehandedly stop this.  i'm not sure what i can do.  or if i can do anything.  or if this is even something i'm being called to serve with.  but i can't just do nothing about everything anymore.  not when this actually goes on daily, for millions.  not when people are constantly in danger because of this and other things worldwide.  i have to find something that i can do effectively to help something, and to share God's truth effectively with someone.  that's the only thing that will clean up messes with any kind of permanency, but even still...

wow.  that second-to-last sentence reminded me of a woot shirt my brother has, which helped my already suffering focus approximately not at all.

i guess i'm about done.  i'm glad God is still on the throne through all this and that He is actively involved in His world, or this (and any) situation would be completely hopeless.  and i need to start more actively seeking out what God's will is for me in public issues like this.  if what i'm doing right now is really all i can and should be, then whatever.  but i have to know.  i kind of doubt it is, though, because i'm not really ok with passive ignorance and submission and acceptance anymore.

~ ~ ~

actually, i guess there is one more thing i've been wondering, of which i was reminded while writing.  i might be writing more on this at some point later, but yesterday morning, i heard someone used the phrase "feel called to serve" in such and such an area.  my question is this:  if you "feel" like you should or want to serve in an area, does that necessarily mean that you are being called to it?  and conversely, if you don't have strong feelings for it, does that mean you aren't called to it?  i think that sometimes God speaks through feelings, but is that a reliable way to determine His will for us?

crapuscular

yes.  it was intentional.  :)

i'm hopelessly addicted to nighttime.  i know it because i sometimes stay up later than i actually have to, even though it makes me exhausted the next day.

i think it's more than just being a night owl.  that's what it used to be.  when i was little, i used to not want to go to bed because i thought i would miss something.  it was cool to stay up late.  then later on, i actually had to stay up late to get everything done.  but it was ok, because i was usually alright the next day.  but i hated when my parents started going to bed before i did.  so then i wanted to go to bed early, especially once my lack of sleep started catching up with me, but i couldn't because i had too much homework and stuff.  then i started going to bed anyway (sometimes unintentionally) and just finishing stuff in the morning.  or, occasionally, taking the 0.

now, it's kinda the same, except i actually want to stay up late.  i've come to enjoy the silence and solitude (i used to hate that) and privacy of the late night, after everyone has gone to bed.  but the thing is, i still have to get up around 5:30 or 6:00, forcing me to also be a morning person (so unnatural!).  then i only get a few hours of sleep, and i'm tired the next day.  and i fall asleep in classes and am unproductive.  and then i fall asleep at night with my school clothes still on (i've actually done that multiple times in the same week.  how pathetic is that?!).  but i love the night so much!  :(

i must find a solution.  a nap, maybe?  psshhh!  as if i had time for that.  maybe a nighttime nap.  :)
but i have a feeling that the solution will eventually just have to be for me to be disciplined enough to get over it and be responsible with my time.  bleh...

EBS

as promised.  this is mainly just for future (and past) reference.

Exploding Brain Syndrome--an ailment in which a person's emotional experiences exceed his or her capacity for comprehension

that's right.  i have discovered and diagnosed a new condition (of sorts...).  ;D  anyway, there are also different varieties of this... umm... newly discovered ailment.

Type 1:  The victim experiences emotions of such differing varieties that he or she cannot contain them due to their extreme opposing natures.

this is the most common type that i have experienced.  like if you have a bunch of things in your life that are totally amazing and a bunch of things that are just completely terrible and/or tragic, and they're fighting for your brain energy.

Type 2:  The victim experiences uncontainable excitement, bliss, or euphoria.

this happened to me the couple weeks before youth camp, but basically you are anticipating and/or experiencing something (or many things that are) super-duper-ly exciting (wow.  i actually used that phrase).

Type 3:  The victim experiences an uncontainable infuriating sense of something that has come close to turning out beautifully well but has gone amiss.

this is so extremely difficult to put into words that there is a very high risk of me being misunderstood, but whatever.  the best example that i can think of is when i have had awesome and growing platonic relationships that i realized were tainted with a slight unwanted romance.  anguish seems like too despairing/dramatic of a word to use, but something equally strong in a slightly different context would be about perfect.



there might be more, but that's the gist of it.  basically, i call it EBS when i have a barely controllable urge just to scream or jump or cry out (or all of them).  that's actually how this whole writing business started--something that had to escape my usually reserved premises.

semi-retropost: Abraham's almost-sacrifice

ok, i confess.  this one is not technically a full retropost, since i wrote this part after the fact.  but that doesn't make it any less true.

anyone who knows me likely knows that the way i do in school is very important to me.  it's not just my own anal perfectionism.  anything into which i invest that much time and energy i want to be done well.  if i have less than an A in a class, it means that i'm not getting as much out of it as i want to be.  i don't say this to toot my own horn [lol... :)].  but to fully understand the story, you have to know how all-or-nothing i tend to be about most things.

the weekend before this happened was the directly after the end of the semester.  i was pretty sure i was going to get a B+ in my history class, especially since i had not had an A since the first day of school (no joke).  so i had to spend the WHOLE weekend (+ monday) getting used to a B in this class.

i know what you might be thinking.

"boo hoo, elmadu.  woe is you.  stop being such a perfectionist, and get over it."

i know, i know.  and over that weekend, i really had to examine my motives for pressuring myself so much and how important this is really going to be to my life (which is not as much as everyone would like me to believe).  but still!!!  i hate it.  and i hate that there's not really hope of change in the near future.  but at least i did the best i could with the limited time i had, and without warping my priorities too severely.

this is not about grades.  it's about grace.

and so, without further ado...

~ ~ ~

[written 1/22/13]

ahh... tuesday.  the first day of the week.  i love monday holidays.

i am late-but-"lucky" for 0 period PE again this morning, as i often am.  meaning my class isn't assembled yet. so i'm not marked tardy.

when it is over, i take my stuff to the bathroom to change.  my friend finishes before me, so i tell her i will see her at the library, as i usually do the first day of the week, which starts later than other days.  afterwards, i think about it.  actually, says my thoughts, i don't really have to go to the library.  i finished all of my homework.  that means that i can finish my Bible-reading-ness during this half-hour instead.  then i can print out my homework, and just go to class.  sweet!  so i leisurely keep changing, overhearing some conversation between a couple other girls.

"How much time do we have?"

"We still have a few more minutes"

until the collaboration bell rings, i guess?  i wonder why they are in such a hurry.  maybe they forgot about collaboration schedule on mondays.
...
...
...
...
...
wait a second.  today is tuesday.  therefore there is no collaboration schedule today, and therefore, no extra half-hour.  that means i have just a few minutes to finish changing and go all the way across campus and print out my homework and still get to class on time. crap!!!!!

i hate monday holidays.

so i hastily finish up and get out of the bathroom.  the bell rings on my way to the library.  great. whatever.  hopefully i can get a late pass to class.  i arrive and quickly start getting into my account to print my stuff.

"Hon?"  from behind me.  probably directed at someone else.  the librarian seemed pretty busy.

"Hon."  i turn around, just to make sure.  looking straight at me, the librarian says "Hon, you can't be on the computer right now, because the bell already rang.  You need to go to class."

"But I need to print my--"

"I'm sorry, but you need to go to class now."

%!^@#&!*#&(&$^=+#@*^%$!!!!!!!      [for the reader who is reading this and freaking out right now, that does NOT represent swearing.  but just... ugh!!! stupid stupid stupid school rules!!!  and stupid me!!!  there are no words to express this.]

so i leave the library and head directly for the counseling center.  i WILL NOT go to class without my homework.  the counseling center doesn't care, and they let me print my homework and give me a pass to class.  loverly.

my 1st period teacher accepts the pass. :)

"Ok, now I'm going to pull up the grades from this past semester, so you can all see how you did."

ugh.  here comes my B.  so sad.  the last time i got a B, i was in fourth grade.  it was in social studies, like this stupid history class.  but whatever.  i've moved on over the weekend, if not really gotten over it.

but i can't find my I.D. number up there.  not very surprising, since the numbers are next to microscopic.  ok, i know that it ends with 73, so maybe i can at least make out those two numbers.  the only number i can find ending in 73 is near the top, next to an A-.  no way.  seriously?!?!?!?!!!  i'd better check at home just to make sure i'm not seeing things...


i've never been so happy to see an A- before.

but the thing is, the weekend of accepting my B kinda changed my perspective.  grades are not the most important thing ever, and one B is not going to break my life.  i've been gradually adjusting to this idea for a while, but this kinda finished it off.

this is amazing.  i sincerely think that God really wanted me to put things into perspective.  to see how much i would give up and still commit to following Him, and not give in to homework/study pressures.  but i'm still grateful that he allowed me to get an A in the class.  it's like Someone shows you exactly what death is like, and you totally think it's happening, but then you don't actually die.  He didn't have to do that.  it was my own fault.  but He helped me through it and got me there.

Lord, thank You for showing me your Love for me in every way.  thank You for helping me in finally getting the A, but thank You more for teaching me surrender and humility and perspective.  i can't for the life of me understand why You gave me that A in the end (because You really did give it to me), but i thank You anyway.  You have an amazing way of teaching me.  henceforth, i am even more fully Yours than before.  not that i wasn't sincere before, but You have now given me a deeper understanding.  thank You, once again.

retropost: worthless tears

[written circa 1/24/13]

have you ever eaten, only to be hungrier than when you began?  have you ever sweated, only to find the sun just as relentless as before?

...have you ever cried until your eyes were magenta, only to find no relief at the end of it all?

retropost: overload

[written 1/14/13]

this is not ok.

i have four areas in my life that i am currently (or should be) devoted to, and NOT ONE of them receives enough of my time and attention and energy.  not one.  why?  because i just don't have enough of any of those things, and there's not really a way i can get much more, and i can't really give up any of this... at least not right now.

SCHOOL:
oh. my. gosh.  this is like the stupidest thing ever, as if any of it really made a significant difference in my life or ever will (outside of more school).  and it's required.  and supposedly in order to get almost any job (so pretty much to live) you need something from college, which supposedly you need like an 8.68 GPA to get into.  this is all myth.  but stupid.  i'm in one AP class, and i have a B.  whatever.  but i spend most of the time i have at home doing homework for this class.  including weekends.  and i don't have time to study for it because i'm always either doing its homework or i'm at school.  so... just don't take AP, right?  well, my only other alternative (for next year; i'm already committed to this one now) is to sit through bonehead classes all next year and sleep all day.  and still have homework.  or actually learn something in a class full of people who don't care.  which may be my best alternative.  anyway, because of this monster, i have almost no time for anything else.

MUSIC:
beautiful. useful. within my interest and gifting. TOO MUCH!!!  maybe if i had some extra time at home, i could actually devote the time to getting good at the two instruments i play.  maybe if i didn't get home late half the time because of band and orchestra, i would have more time to prepare for them.  i need to know more, to practice more, to play more, but i don't have time.

GOD:
ok.  this is Someone so important that i've had to make time for Him.  it makes a big difference.  between youth group and worship stuff and Bible reading and prayer...  it all takes up a substantial amount of time, but not nearly as much as other stuff.  and it's so worth it.  but almost every time there is something for band or orchestra, like a concert or a practice or something, it ends up being on a night (or day) i would be at church.  ALMOST EVERY TIME!  i would gladly choose this category over the other things if i could.

RELATIONSHIPS:
definitely the most suffering out of the four.  though maybe the least obviously.  definitely the least pressure, which is probably why i have let it slide so much.  but seriously!  how do we actually show God's love?  through relationships!  and though i don't think any of my friends would say i was a bad friend, how much effort have i actually put into growing these relationships?  not enough, more often than not.  seriously, i didn't even get together with ONE of my school friends over summer break.  ummm.... maybe one.  maybe.  i was too busy.  ugh...

sensing a theme here?  most of these things interfere EVEN WITHIN THEMSELVES!!!  AND THERE ARE FOUR OF THEM!!!!  on top of that, i really don't get enough sleep ever (except on Saturdays), and my room looks like a tornado ran through it.  and then went through it again, just for good measure.  i always thought that if i just used my time more efficiently, i could make it work.  which is not too far off; i definitely could still use it more efficiently.  but it still won't be enough.  something has to give.

ugh... i need help.

retropost: catharsis

[written 12/1/12]

...or something.  anyway, i just need to get it all out, "to tell you how i'm feeling," so that all this chaos will stop clogging all my mental tubes.  wow... too much internet[s].  uhm.  anyway... i'm feeling...

• frustrated at all the selfishness i've built up over time that i can't seem to shake.
• frustrated at my own lack of discipline.
• DISAPPOINTED because worship-team-ness, which i've halfway missed out on for three months and i was looking forward to most about Christmas, will not happen (for me) this Christmas Eve because i will be out of town (along with other things...).
• sad because marching season is all over.
• relieved because i now have more time.
• sympathetic (or empathetic?) because so many people around me are going through extremely difficult things.
• frustrated because i have no idea how to help or encourage any of these people.
• irresponsible (as a student) because i procrastinate to the extreme in pretty much all my classes and have a B in one.
• irresponsible (as a musician) because i rarely practice more than four times a week, if that.
• irresponsible (as a friend) because i don't invest as much as i want to in any of the relationships i have.
• irresponsible (as a Christian) because i don't spend nearly enough time with God, and i think i still blend in with the rest of the population pretty well, and i still have many many friends/acquaintances in whom i know of no spiritual change (for better) whatsoever since i've known them.
• frustrated because so many people take so many things so unseriously.
• restless because i think (hope) God might have some BIG plans for me, but i'm slowing them.
• amazed that someone to whom i'm a little connected (in a way) but have never met was affected by the same part of the same song as me.
• grateful that God still loves me and hasn't given up on me (and won't).

i should probably start blogging stuff.  oh, and if anyone ever reads this, know that you just got rickrolled. ;D

~ ~ ~

There's so much on my mind lately I can't make out my own thoughts anymore
I don't know where one begins and the other one ends
I wish that I could push a button and turn it all off just for a little while
Long enough to take a breath and then I'll know
        It'll be ok, it'll be alright

-Superchic[k] "Alright"

retropost: groping

[written 10/28/12]

sometimes trying to figure out just the right thing to say to or do for someone is like walking out of blinding light into a house you've been in only one time ever with absolutely no light at all, and trying to find a small and specific random item hidden somewhere, using only your sense of touch and your limited knowledge of the house.  in such situations, i often say nothing at all, which isn't always the right thing either.

retropost: DTR

[written 10/4/12]

lol.  coming soon(ish) to a blogspot near you!  =)

retropost: opposing forces

[written 9/10/12]

things i LOVE(/like a lot) doing things i enjoy with people who have similar interests, values, experiences, and senses of humor as me. having serious and impactful discussions about God with people equally or more spiritually mature/experienced. awesome music that is so beautiful/impactful/generally awesome that it makes me want to scream and cry and laugh and run around and do cartwheels and fall to the floor in weakness all at the same time, and that often makes me make strange and embarrassing sounds, faces and gestures. playing games/watching movies/doing other fun stuff with people i enjoy. being deeply understood (and loved in spite of it).

things i HATE(/dislike a lot) having every inch of space and time crammed with stuff. seeing people in pain and not being able to do anything to help. having wonderful relationships go a different (and uncomfortable) direction than i had hoped. repeatedly stumbling over the same shortcoming multiple times over the course of years, despite all efforts to overcome it. having something i LOVE(/like a lot) get in the way of something else i LOVE(/like a lot) even more. having something wonderful almost within grasp, yet completely unattainable because of stupid and unimportant obstacles that will always be there.

retropost: last in the boat

[written 9/3/12]

i am so blessed.  no person could have done this.  there are so many wonderful things in my life that they sometimes seem to crowd out the brain space that would be used to shelter worry, bitterness, stress, and others of the same family.  and all this from my Father, who is omnipotent and holy, the Giver of all good things.  i can hardly complain.  life is better for me than ever before.

and yet, i look out onto a turbulent sea of pain, sorrow, and suffering, divided into cups of varying sizes, most portions too much to drink.  how can i even think of throwing a party when so many are drowning in their own tears?  why am i served such bliss, such overwhelming joy, while others see only overwhelming anguish?  i am a new and portable lighthouse, floating atop the stormy waters.  may this light-buoy direct the drowning home, away from their ocean.

Lord, please use me.  i (maybe selfishly?  i don't know) am not asking for more pain or challenge in my own life.  but help me to be an encouragement to those who are hurting--there are way more than i know.

retropost: illusions

[written 8/11/12]

watch it grow, this tower of miniscule, even subconscious, half-imagined marks against me in my own mind.  nothing by itself draws much attentions, but put all together, the pressure creeps in until one last straw brings the whole thing crashing down.  overdramatized?  probably.  is this really as big a deal as it seems now, or is it just a phase, something that really is as insignificant as i feel it ought to be?

the war wages on, unending.  i know where i want to go, yet it seems impossible to get there with me constantly sabotaging my own goals.  why should i keep living as though perfection were the only thing that mattered?  weren't we all made unique, for a specific purpose and to build each other up?  it seems that i have made it backfire on myself in my effort to prove that i am just as good as anyone else, that i can do anything well if someone else can.  the plain truth, rather than becoming motivation, has turned more to jealousy, and like a toxic acid, is eating me alive.  how self-centered i am!  when will i be able to successfully communicate to myself that it's not all about me, that i don't need to try to impress the entire world?

and so, little by little, i have inflated my own head to compensate for my insecurities.  it's funny how often keeping a problem "under control" translates to it being solved.  oh Lord!  i know we are all made with free will, but can You please just take all this away, far from my heart which i'm trying to give you?

~ ~ ~

I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind...

-Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart"

retropost: accessory

[written 6/21/12]

here i am, alone again.  an outsider.  not purposefully rejected, but unintentionally overlooked.  not unwanted, but unnecessary.  under the radar.  why should i act differently just to be noticed?  just to have people around me, wanting only a piece of my personality, my abilities, or my appearance?  no one can be liked by everyone, so why do i wear myself down trying to gain a friendly greeting and an inside joke from everyone i see?  yet i can't escape myself, the part of me that won't let me conform.  uniqueness is encouraged, but uniformity is rewarded.  am i so desperate to fit in that i am willing to question every part of myself and give up my own person, whom i was carefully designed?

yet You are with me, the One among all that will neither love me nor judge me based on my connections, talents, or shortcomings.  unconditional.  not because of who i am and have been, but because of who You are and the hidden treasure You alone can see.

here i am, alone again.  "Yet I am not alone, for my Father is with me."

retropost: blinded

[written circa 1/25/11]

what can i say? i've done the same thing again.  i've seen too much of myself and somehow overlooked what's really important.  i've done it again.  i've let my own selfishness and pride block my view of You, the reality.

how is it that every time i try, i get better, closer to You; i've made a little headway--then all of a sudden, i find myself back at the beginning, starting over?

this is all my own doing.  i have no one but myself to blame.  and yet, i can't be responsible myself.  all i can do is cry for Your help.

help me Lord, because i can't find my way.  i don't know left from right, up from down.  show me You, so i can see enough to follow.

all this time, You hear my cry.  You see me blindly stumbling around.  all this time, You're right by my side.  You're telling me, showing me...

"I'm here, my child.  I am the way.  You know Me; I am your light.  I'll lead the way.  All you must do is follow."

as i cast away these things that hinder my journey toward You, i know that i will never be perfect.  yet through Your unending love and forgiveness, i know that I don't have to be.  all i must do is listen and follow You.

retropost: this is love

[written circa 7/17/10]

how is this possible?  Your hands that made the universe are holding me now.  You who imagined life love me and care about the feelings of my heart.  only You could love like this, this impossible love for one who turns away from You.  what irony!  that You, in all your majesty and greatness would come to die for me, a sinner.  Your love is like an ocean wave.  it surrounds and overwhelms me.  Your creation, for whom You gave Your life, turns away from you.  and yet You love unconditionally.  the glimpses we get of love in this world come only from what we know of You.  and yet Your love is so much greater that anything imaginable.  it cannot begin to compare.  love is You.

my oldest blog post ever!

salutations!  and welcome to the home of my ramblings.  its purpose is twofold.  the first reason is both to vent, especially in times of EBS (explanation to come), and to express new spiritual truths and applications i discover.  however, i also hope that long-term, it will serve as a record of my journey with God, both directly and indirectly.  i am indeed unearthing my own nature, but also how God is using it (or working in spite of it) to create something good out of my commonness and weakness.

"⁶ For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."
 -2 Corinthians 4:6-7

"⁷ ...Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:7-10

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p.s.:  the first several posts will be "retro-posts" because i actually began writing this sort of thing down on paper long before i had any intention of blogging it.  what you see will contain what was originally written, with only the slightest edits of wording and formatting.