"Sometimes... Christianity is just a bunch of nerds in a book club."
- T.C. Lewis
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
eden pt. 3: the entropy
full of determination, the young traveler set out in search of the lake. the search did not take long; she found it on the opposite end of its normal clearing. she resolved to visit it every so often, in spite of its absence from its normal position.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
eden pt.2: the shadows
one day when the young traveler returned home again, she immediately
noticed something amiss. although the creatures of the trees and the
ground and the air all seemed to be singing their usual cheery songs,
something in the air betrayed a melancholy heaviness. all at once, she
realized the problem: the lake had receded all the way past its bushy
curtains. its steady murmur was absent from the mix.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
eden
for the sake of storytelling, feel free to ignore the physical inaccuracies. :)
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
~ ~ ~
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
supernatural suspicions
[12/29/14 12:49 pm]
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
i do not care what you think
[12/29/14 2:20 am]
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
getting zoned
[12/16/14 1:49 am]
there's something i would like to clarify, first here, but eventually everywhere.
the friend zone is not a trap (for me).
i'm not bringing this up because i've had an issue with this recently, or because i expect to, but because i would like to have this thought out already in the event that it should. i'm thinking of this now because i'm realizing more and more that people usually spend much more time and energy assuming things than communicating about them, so i need to be really careful not to give anyone inaccurate ideas. especially since friendships with guys often seem more natural to me--there's a lot of room for miscommunication there.
hmm... i'd like to start this differently. sorry if this post ends up just being conglomeration of scattered thoughts.
when i have a crush on a guy (it has happened on occasion, even with people i'm not that close to, but it's mostly irrational), i typically spend quite a while in denial about it, then have a serious mental discussion with myself about it, own up, then try to forget it as quickly as possible. the conversation with myself usually goes something like this:
"ok, what is it you actually want here?"
"mm... not sure exactly."
"romance? boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
"no!!! weird!"
"one-on-one time?"
"even that would be fairly awkward at this point. i think i just want to get to know him better, that's all."
category: platonic friend. (a little different somehow, but still.) problem solved.
now, when a guy has a crush on me, i usually try to ignore it (ok, and deny it too). then when that stops working, i do my best to detach him gently without letting on that i'm doing so. i'm not sure how effective i am at hiding it (probably not very), but oftentimes we become better friends later.
which brings me to my point...
being "just friends" is actually more of a compliment coming from me. it means that there are specific essential things that i value highly about someone, including the ability to hang out without it being weirdly romantic. since at this point, romantic relationships don't match up with my goals or foci in life anyway, it's kind of a moot point, but i would be much more likely to date someone i was already good friends with than someone i had a crush on from a distance.
the "friend zone" is not a relational death sentence. it can be a destination, but it can also be an essential stepping stone.
there's something i would like to clarify, first here, but eventually everywhere.
the friend zone is not a trap (for me).
i'm not bringing this up because i've had an issue with this recently, or because i expect to, but because i would like to have this thought out already in the event that it should. i'm thinking of this now because i'm realizing more and more that people usually spend much more time and energy assuming things than communicating about them, so i need to be really careful not to give anyone inaccurate ideas. especially since friendships with guys often seem more natural to me--there's a lot of room for miscommunication there.
hmm... i'd like to start this differently. sorry if this post ends up just being conglomeration of scattered thoughts.
when i have a crush on a guy (it has happened on occasion, even with people i'm not that close to, but it's mostly irrational), i typically spend quite a while in denial about it, then have a serious mental discussion with myself about it, own up, then try to forget it as quickly as possible. the conversation with myself usually goes something like this:
"ok, what is it you actually want here?"
"mm... not sure exactly."
"romance? boyfriend-girlfriend things?"
"no!!! weird!"
"one-on-one time?"
"even that would be fairly awkward at this point. i think i just want to get to know him better, that's all."
category: platonic friend. (a little different somehow, but still.) problem solved.
now, when a guy has a crush on me, i usually try to ignore it (ok, and deny it too). then when that stops working, i do my best to detach him gently without letting on that i'm doing so. i'm not sure how effective i am at hiding it (probably not very), but oftentimes we become better friends later.
which brings me to my point...
being "just friends" is actually more of a compliment coming from me. it means that there are specific essential things that i value highly about someone, including the ability to hang out without it being weirdly romantic. since at this point, romantic relationships don't match up with my goals or foci in life anyway, it's kind of a moot point, but i would be much more likely to date someone i was already good friends with than someone i had a crush on from a distance.
the "friend zone" is not a relational death sentence. it can be a destination, but it can also be an essential stepping stone.
three of my most unfavorite feelings ever (so far)
[11/3/14 1:44 pm]
- thinking or knowing i've hurt someone
- thinking or knowing i've disappointed someone
- thinking or knowing i'm alone apart from my own choice
i still haven't decided yet which is worse: thinking or knowing.
learning responsibility... again
[11/3/14 1:40 pm]
i'm realizing that somewhere deep inside me, and apart from reason, there's a tie between obligatory preparedness and moral responsibility. i'm not sure if this is good or not. but like if i go to class without my homework done, as an example, i feel like a horrible person and a slacker, even if i had perfectly legitimate (or even Godly) reasons for not doing it.
*sigh* it's probably about balance, as usual.
i'm realizing that somewhere deep inside me, and apart from reason, there's a tie between obligatory preparedness and moral responsibility. i'm not sure if this is good or not. but like if i go to class without my homework done, as an example, i feel like a horrible person and a slacker, even if i had perfectly legitimate (or even Godly) reasons for not doing it.
*sigh* it's probably about balance, as usual.
plastic surgery
[10/25/14 12:02 am]
i look around me at a thousand plastic friendships, filled with pizza and selfies and smothered in makeup that covers a multitude of uniquities. a thousand broken hearts, lonely and isolated and sore from pretending for so long. in an age of American paraphernalia from China and of innuendos and inside jokes formulated to cover over importance and voids and all cares, is anything real at all?
i am sick of pizza. ready for real food.
i look around me at a thousand plastic friendships, filled with pizza and selfies and smothered in makeup that covers a multitude of uniquities. a thousand broken hearts, lonely and isolated and sore from pretending for so long. in an age of American paraphernalia from China and of innuendos and inside jokes formulated to cover over importance and voids and all cares, is anything real at all?
i am sick of pizza. ready for real food.
"Do you think we were all created for a purpose? I'd like to think so."
[10/8/14 1:18]
does God speak through movie quotes? this is the second time recently i've wondered that, so i'm starting to get a suspicion...
apparently some genius sometime decided that by the wizened old age of late adolescence, one should know exactly how one wants to make a living for the rest of one's life, and exactly how one should go about achieving that goal. thus begins this process, and apparently i'm supposed to have any idea what i'm doing.
right.
actually, that's exactly what i have--a handful of ideas. that's about all. the purpose of a career is to support you. BUT at the same time, i can't get excited about going into a field that i feel approximately meh about. and things i'm passionate about--well, i really don't see that i would benefit much from having a degree in them. that is, i might benefit immensely, but my career may or may not.
now as a devoted Christ-follower, i of course want to do what He wants for me. He, being a loving Creator who knows me, often uses desires as a means of direction (i've been discovering this first-hand). to be honest, i don't think i've felt much in the way of direction so far. :/
the challenge a couple Sundays ago was "will you follow after the heart of your King?" but what the heck is the heart of my King???? as it pertains to me, anyway??
"that, Detective, is the right question." (bonus points if you know the movie!)
upon explaining this to Jerad, he says "i think you should go to YWAM. i can't imagine God not providing for you in a decision to devote six months of your life to Him. then that might direct your decision after that." i hadn't even told him i was thinking about this as an option, though he knows me well enough that he probably assumed that anyway. i think i gave him kind of an incredulous look. "at least pray about it." well i will. but . . . is this God's direction??? could it possibly be this clear???
i think i will just see what comes of my feeble framework of plans, and not worry.
does God speak through movie quotes? this is the second time recently i've wondered that, so i'm starting to get a suspicion...
~ ~ ~
apparently some genius sometime decided that by the wizened old age of late adolescence, one should know exactly how one wants to make a living for the rest of one's life, and exactly how one should go about achieving that goal. thus begins this process, and apparently i'm supposed to have any idea what i'm doing.
right.
actually, that's exactly what i have--a handful of ideas. that's about all. the purpose of a career is to support you. BUT at the same time, i can't get excited about going into a field that i feel approximately meh about. and things i'm passionate about--well, i really don't see that i would benefit much from having a degree in them. that is, i might benefit immensely, but my career may or may not.
now as a devoted Christ-follower, i of course want to do what He wants for me. He, being a loving Creator who knows me, often uses desires as a means of direction (i've been discovering this first-hand). to be honest, i don't think i've felt much in the way of direction so far. :/
~ ~ ~
the challenge a couple Sundays ago was "will you follow after the heart of your King?" but what the heck is the heart of my King???? as it pertains to me, anyway??
"that, Detective, is the right question." (bonus points if you know the movie!)
~ ~ ~
upon explaining this to Jerad, he says "i think you should go to YWAM. i can't imagine God not providing for you in a decision to devote six months of your life to Him. then that might direct your decision after that." i hadn't even told him i was thinking about this as an option, though he knows me well enough that he probably assumed that anyway. i think i gave him kind of an incredulous look. "at least pray about it." well i will. but . . . is this God's direction??? could it possibly be this clear???
i think i will just see what comes of my feeble framework of plans, and not worry.
confidence--finally!
[8/2/14 5:54 pm]
the other day, after an encouraging discussion about prayer, i felt something a bit foreign to me: confidence. not just in prayer, but in some of the things i've been wrestling with the most. but i'll start before that.
i've always known God can do anything--whatever He wants. i've always believed that even (pretty much . . . the whole thing with free will still confuses me a bit, as to how those work together). God's ability to answer prayer has never been the question for me.
the question: whether or not He will. not that i question His integrity, but how can i actually be sure that i'm praying for something in His will?
now wait . . . understand the question first, even though it sounds somewhat obvious.
generally, if something is Biblical, that's a pretty good indication that it's something God would want. and yet, lots of things happen all the time that aren't in His will. and even He does things He doesn't want, but out of necessity.
the purpose of everything is to glorify God. wouldn't it glorify God for every person on earth to be changed at a heart level to love Him? or for every lost or abused person in the world to be rescued? or for every broken person to be restored? ideally, but He also uses those horrible things to glorify Him more. even though none of those were His will to begin with. :/
and then there's free will. every single person on the planet making choices every instant, often to do whatever they want. how does God work in that? true, He did know every circumstance even before He set the world in motion. but how much can He work in a person before it jeopardizes their free will? or couldn't He manipulate circumstances to bring every person to submission before Him? or make people's hearts more inclined to choose Him of their own free will?
so in all this, how on earth am i supposed to have even an inkling of what God's will even is, or what would glorify Him the most, let alone if that's what i'm praying for? and if i can't be sure, how can i pray confidently??? double minded fool that i am . . .
obviously i have waaayyy more questions than answers. fun food for thought. but somewhere in there, i think i found the point.
confidence doesn't come from knowing for sure that God will answer a prayer with a "yes! absolutely!" it comes from knowing for sure that God will do what is best, and what will glorify Him. it's not a confidence in our circumstances, it's a confidence in His character. and yes, it's surrendering the things we doubt about the most, in faith that He really does know what He's doing.
the more i [think i?] understand the Bible, the more i realize that it's really not as complicated as it seems.
the other day, after an encouraging discussion about prayer, i felt something a bit foreign to me: confidence. not just in prayer, but in some of the things i've been wrestling with the most. but i'll start before that.
i've always known God can do anything--whatever He wants. i've always believed that even (pretty much . . . the whole thing with free will still confuses me a bit, as to how those work together). God's ability to answer prayer has never been the question for me.
the question: whether or not He will. not that i question His integrity, but how can i actually be sure that i'm praying for something in His will?
now wait . . . understand the question first, even though it sounds somewhat obvious.
generally, if something is Biblical, that's a pretty good indication that it's something God would want. and yet, lots of things happen all the time that aren't in His will. and even He does things He doesn't want, but out of necessity.
the purpose of everything is to glorify God. wouldn't it glorify God for every person on earth to be changed at a heart level to love Him? or for every lost or abused person in the world to be rescued? or for every broken person to be restored? ideally, but He also uses those horrible things to glorify Him more. even though none of those were His will to begin with. :/
and then there's free will. every single person on the planet making choices every instant, often to do whatever they want. how does God work in that? true, He did know every circumstance even before He set the world in motion. but how much can He work in a person before it jeopardizes their free will? or couldn't He manipulate circumstances to bring every person to submission before Him? or make people's hearts more inclined to choose Him of their own free will?
so in all this, how on earth am i supposed to have even an inkling of what God's will even is, or what would glorify Him the most, let alone if that's what i'm praying for? and if i can't be sure, how can i pray confidently??? double minded fool that i am . . .
obviously i have waaayyy more questions than answers. fun food for thought. but somewhere in there, i think i found the point.
confidence doesn't come from knowing for sure that God will answer a prayer with a "yes! absolutely!" it comes from knowing for sure that God will do what is best, and what will glorify Him. it's not a confidence in our circumstances, it's a confidence in His character. and yes, it's surrendering the things we doubt about the most, in faith that He really does know what He's doing.
the more i [think i?] understand the Bible, the more i realize that it's really not as complicated as it seems.
something attractive
[7/27/14 1:10 pm]
although i don't talk about it very often in conversation, it's not unusual for the subject of romantic love/relationships to come up in my thoughts from time to time.
i am not the type of person to crush easily. indeed, i've never been "in love" in any kind of deep or meaningful way (so... not really at all). from time to time i toss around the question of if i would really know a romantic deep love if i experienced it... and considering my welcomeness to cross-gender platonic relationships, i'm not entirely sure i would distinguish it for quite a while. i assume it would involve some kind of physical desire, and maybe a certain kind of jealousy... not quite sure what else. my inexperience makes it so i can only speculate. yet every time (recently) i examine a platonic relationship of mine, i've found little to no trace of any signs of romance at all (on my part, anyway). but i've discovered that these unique friendships have taught me more about romance than i realized.
anyway, most recently, i wanted to get married someday, but for only one reason--that i wouldn't live alone for the rest of my life after college. other than that, romance was about the same in my mind, and about as appealing, as any other relationship. i was hoping other reasons would come eventually. :)
but as my mind wandered yesterday, i found another reason. people in a romantic relationship are expected to do things together, to hang out a lot, to prefer one another, to be together one-on-one, to have some degree of physical closeness. to me none of those things would necessarily have to be unique to romantic relationships (depending on the nature and attitude of them, of course), but many would consider much of that outside of romance to be inappropriate. being in a romantic relationship would give the freedom for those things without concern that someone would be alarmed.
there's something else, too. i love the idea of having someone's arms available, someone's shoulder available if i need it, someone's ears, or just someone's smile and laugh. the idea of getting married and having someone come into my life as a permanent addition, never to leave, who doesn't share my blood, is... very desirable, but also a bit difficult to wrap my head around.
i made a decision a while back not to date yet. i still stand by that wholeheartedly, agreeing even more than i did before. i had some fairly good reasons, but aside from those, and aside from other tensions that would inevitably result from my having a romantic friend at my stage in life, i found another really solid reason. i have several platonic friendships (cross-gender) that are mutually unromantic, intense, and intensely satisfying. and that would (and did) rip me to the core if anything looked like it would put them in jeopardy. platonic. some of those people are even in wonderful romantic relationships.
on one side (kind of like the other post): what would it do to me if i were to enter into a romantic relationship and invest even more into it, only to have it fall apart like so many others of my age group? i take relationships of almost all kind very seriously, but this would certainly reserve a special place that would possibly come close to destroying me if it went sour. too high risk yet.
on the other side: with platonic relationships of that caliber, i could never be satisfied with anything (or anyone) less, on a romantic level. my friends have shown me, unintentionally perhaps, more specific things i'm looking for, that will be essential in a future spouse, and that such people do exist, if they are rare. so i can (and will) afford to be picky. :)
although i don't talk about it very often in conversation, it's not unusual for the subject of romantic love/relationships to come up in my thoughts from time to time.
i am not the type of person to crush easily. indeed, i've never been "in love" in any kind of deep or meaningful way (so... not really at all). from time to time i toss around the question of if i would really know a romantic deep love if i experienced it... and considering my welcomeness to cross-gender platonic relationships, i'm not entirely sure i would distinguish it for quite a while. i assume it would involve some kind of physical desire, and maybe a certain kind of jealousy... not quite sure what else. my inexperience makes it so i can only speculate. yet every time (recently) i examine a platonic relationship of mine, i've found little to no trace of any signs of romance at all (on my part, anyway). but i've discovered that these unique friendships have taught me more about romance than i realized.
anyway, most recently, i wanted to get married someday, but for only one reason--that i wouldn't live alone for the rest of my life after college. other than that, romance was about the same in my mind, and about as appealing, as any other relationship. i was hoping other reasons would come eventually. :)
but as my mind wandered yesterday, i found another reason. people in a romantic relationship are expected to do things together, to hang out a lot, to prefer one another, to be together one-on-one, to have some degree of physical closeness. to me none of those things would necessarily have to be unique to romantic relationships (depending on the nature and attitude of them, of course), but many would consider much of that outside of romance to be inappropriate. being in a romantic relationship would give the freedom for those things without concern that someone would be alarmed.
there's something else, too. i love the idea of having someone's arms available, someone's shoulder available if i need it, someone's ears, or just someone's smile and laugh. the idea of getting married and having someone come into my life as a permanent addition, never to leave, who doesn't share my blood, is... very desirable, but also a bit difficult to wrap my head around.
i made a decision a while back not to date yet. i still stand by that wholeheartedly, agreeing even more than i did before. i had some fairly good reasons, but aside from those, and aside from other tensions that would inevitably result from my having a romantic friend at my stage in life, i found another really solid reason. i have several platonic friendships (cross-gender) that are mutually unromantic, intense, and intensely satisfying. and that would (and did) rip me to the core if anything looked like it would put them in jeopardy. platonic. some of those people are even in wonderful romantic relationships.
on one side (kind of like the other post): what would it do to me if i were to enter into a romantic relationship and invest even more into it, only to have it fall apart like so many others of my age group? i take relationships of almost all kind very seriously, but this would certainly reserve a special place that would possibly come close to destroying me if it went sour. too high risk yet.
on the other side: with platonic relationships of that caliber, i could never be satisfied with anything (or anyone) less, on a romantic level. my friends have shown me, unintentionally perhaps, more specific things i'm looking for, that will be essential in a future spouse, and that such people do exist, if they are rare. so i can (and will) afford to be picky. :)
moment of truth
[7/24/14 11:58 pm]
there's this thing that keeps happening to me, where i'm doing something and someone says,"hey, you show some promise at this. i'm going to put you in charge of a bunch of other people in this area, so you can lead them. you'll get used to it, and you'll be a natural!"
well actually, world, you're wrong. it just so happens that i am not a decisive person, or an outgoing person, or a particularly charismatic person, or even a person who has what one might call "a way with people." in the best of scenarios i'm not good at influencing people or drawing a reaction from them. in most cases, even making normal conversation is kind of a strain. in fact, in most scenarios, i'm pretty good at blending into the background.
all that to say, i would not call myself a natural leader. people are so difficult. even if they're not "being difficult." they're just... hard.
now, i don't really believe in coincidences so much, so the fact that this kind of keeps happening... i don't know. i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
there's this thing that keeps happening to me, where i'm doing something and someone says,"hey, you show some promise at this. i'm going to put you in charge of a bunch of other people in this area, so you can lead them. you'll get used to it, and you'll be a natural!"
well actually, world, you're wrong. it just so happens that i am not a decisive person, or an outgoing person, or a particularly charismatic person, or even a person who has what one might call "a way with people." in the best of scenarios i'm not good at influencing people or drawing a reaction from them. in most cases, even making normal conversation is kind of a strain. in fact, in most scenarios, i'm pretty good at blending into the background.
all that to say, i would not call myself a natural leader. people are so difficult. even if they're not "being difficult." they're just... hard.
now, i don't really believe in coincidences so much, so the fact that this kind of keeps happening... i don't know. i'm not quite sure what to make of it.
life's not fair!
[5/28/14 8:27 pm]
"no, really???"
but seriously, isn't that what we've all always been taught? i mean, everyone's heard that "life's not fair," or even, as my brother says, "if life was fair, we'd all be going to Hell." but see if this sounds familiar:
you reap the consequences of your actions.
yes? this is tricky though, because it's true. every action does have some kind of consequences. and while it's also often true that positive consequences come from wise actions (if wise = morally right), and negative from unwise, it's not the hard and fast rule that people (i, at least) take it for.
ahem...
"It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness . . . that is life."
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard
reworded: just because you do something right does not mean that it won't turn out badly, and just because you do something wrong doesn't mean that you won't get away with it, even benefit from it (in the short term).
this is so obvious, it's ridiculous. even Christ, perfectly loving in every way, was backstabbed at every turn, especially by those who should have been the first to know Him.
i've grown up with this kind of teaching for as long as i've been alive. i don't follow Christ because it's the easy thing, or because it will solve all my problems (right away), or any of the other things that they always tell you at church (that are true).
so why is it that when something goes wrong, i start searching frantically for where the mistake was made?
edit: a few more questions, because no post is complete if it doesn't leave you with more questions than you started with.
how am i supposed to tell the difference between consequences for my poor decisions, a spiritual attack/testing/plan, or just life that happens? or is there even a differentiation to be made? are they perhaps masterfully directed and integrated into each other?
"no, really???"
but seriously, isn't that what we've all always been taught? i mean, everyone's heard that "life's not fair," or even, as my brother says, "if life was fair, we'd all be going to Hell." but see if this sounds familiar:
you reap the consequences of your actions.
yes? this is tricky though, because it's true. every action does have some kind of consequences. and while it's also often true that positive consequences come from wise actions (if wise = morally right), and negative from unwise, it's not the hard and fast rule that people (i, at least) take it for.
ahem...
"It is possible to commit no errors and still lose. That is not a weakness . . . that is life."
-Captain Jean-Luc Picard
reworded: just because you do something right does not mean that it won't turn out badly, and just because you do something wrong doesn't mean that you won't get away with it, even benefit from it (in the short term).
this is so obvious, it's ridiculous. even Christ, perfectly loving in every way, was backstabbed at every turn, especially by those who should have been the first to know Him.
i've grown up with this kind of teaching for as long as i've been alive. i don't follow Christ because it's the easy thing, or because it will solve all my problems (right away), or any of the other things that they always tell you at church (that are true).
so why is it that when something goes wrong, i start searching frantically for where the mistake was made?
edit: a few more questions, because no post is complete if it doesn't leave you with more questions than you started with.
how am i supposed to tell the difference between consequences for my poor decisions, a spiritual attack/testing/plan, or just life that happens? or is there even a differentiation to be made? are they perhaps masterfully directed and integrated into each other?
how can you love Love itself?
[12/9/13 12:56 am]
sometimes i am bothered that i cannot have a mutual give-and-take relationship with God. loving someone is doing the best for them, and sacrificing. loving God is doing as he says, because he already knows what is best. sometimes that does involve sacrifice. but it's still annoying.
sometimes i am bothered that i cannot have a mutual give-and-take relationship with God. loving someone is doing the best for them, and sacrificing. loving God is doing as he says, because he already knows what is best. sometimes that does involve sacrifice. but it's still annoying.
the purge (attempt II)
my blog has been missing me.
this time i am prepared to succeed where i failed before. half-hearted apologies in advance for the enormity of reading material. happy new year!
p.s.: i cannot necessarily vouch for the quality of all of these (for some of them, that's why they remained drafts). but it seemed criminal to just delete them all, so here they are.
this time i am prepared to succeed where i failed before. half-hearted apologies in advance for the enormity of reading material. happy new year!
p.s.: i cannot necessarily vouch for the quality of all of these (for some of them, that's why they remained drafts). but it seemed criminal to just delete them all, so here they are.
do hugs...
some philosophies/observations on hugs:
side hug
definition: hug done only with one arm of each party (opposite arms, so the two people's sides come together)
translation: i see that you want to hug me. i do NOT want to hug you back either because that would make me extremely uncomfortable or because i don't feel close enough to you for a full on hug. so instead of flat-out refusing to come anywhere near you, i will simply turn this hug attempt into a side hug to simultaneously save you embarrassment and let you know how awkward this is for me. by the way, please don't ever do this again.
alternate translation: this is too quick and casual for a full hug, so i'll just give you a little (side) hug.
bro hug
definition: hug typically done between men, where one hand shakes and the other arm embraces.
translation: what's up? we're guys, so it feels awkward to give you a full-on hug in public, but this "hug" is ok because our handshake keeps us slightly separated.
hand hug
definition: the coming together of two people's same hands (ex. both people's right hand) with thumbs extending around the other person's hand (most common in male-female platonic relationships).
translation: to give you a full hug would not be a proper greeting here either because it would not be socially acceptable or because we aren't close enough or because it would be too formal. but to still greet you personally and affectionately, i bestow upon you this hand hug.
hug
definition: full embrace, where both parties have both arms wrapped around the other
translation: ANYTHING from "i'm so glad to see you; it's been so long," to "i will miss you," to "i LOVE you," to "i'm here for you" ........... the list goes on, differing in manner and expression...................
i don't normally initiate hugs, but will usually return them. there are, of course, exceptions. if i ever initiate a hug, be aware that it is not something to be taken lightly. not that it necessarily covers over a ton of hidden meaning, but know that it is fairly rare.
side hug
definition: hug done only with one arm of each party (opposite arms, so the two people's sides come together)
translation: i see that you want to hug me. i do NOT want to hug you back either because that would make me extremely uncomfortable or because i don't feel close enough to you for a full on hug. so instead of flat-out refusing to come anywhere near you, i will simply turn this hug attempt into a side hug to simultaneously save you embarrassment and let you know how awkward this is for me. by the way, please don't ever do this again.
alternate translation: this is too quick and casual for a full hug, so i'll just give you a little (side) hug.
bro hug
definition: hug typically done between men, where one hand shakes and the other arm embraces.
translation: what's up? we're guys, so it feels awkward to give you a full-on hug in public, but this "hug" is ok because our handshake keeps us slightly separated.
hand hug
definition: the coming together of two people's same hands (ex. both people's right hand) with thumbs extending around the other person's hand (most common in male-female platonic relationships).
translation: to give you a full hug would not be a proper greeting here either because it would not be socially acceptable or because we aren't close enough or because it would be too formal. but to still greet you personally and affectionately, i bestow upon you this hand hug.
hug
definition: full embrace, where both parties have both arms wrapped around the other
translation: ANYTHING from "i'm so glad to see you; it's been so long," to "i will miss you," to "i LOVE you," to "i'm here for you" ........... the list goes on, differing in manner and expression...................
i don't normally initiate hugs, but will usually return them. there are, of course, exceptions. if i ever initiate a hug, be aware that it is not something to be taken lightly. not that it necessarily covers over a ton of hidden meaning, but know that it is fairly rare.
Monday, December 29, 2014
identity
...is NOT wrapped up in...
- past mistakes or experiences
- other people's opinions
- performance of something
- physical appearance
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
gifts of the magi
so last Christmastime, i heard the Downhere song, "How Many Kings," and this part stood out to me:
Gold for His honor and frankincense for His pleasure
And myrrh for the cross He'll suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?
my train of thought:
gold (ok, know what that is)---honor. like a king.
frankincense (i guess that's like incense)---pleasure. because it's fragrant. ok.
myrrh (???)---for the cross? what the heck is myrrh???
so i went to Wikipedia (my favorite online resource). eventually i looked up the other two, just for fun. because of what i found the first time. because i love symbolism, and because it's so cool and prophetic.
gold---symbolism for divine principles, like the golden ratio or golden rule; for holiness (like the covering of the Mercy Seat of the Ark of the Covenant); for divine authority (medieval kings used to be inaugurated under a golden crown); for great value. gold is the most noble of the noble metals, but it is not chemically inert. it is unaffected by most corrosive substances, so it does not tarnish. it is a pure element, known for its tendency to show scratches. the atomic symbol for gold, Au, derives from the Latin word aurum, meaning "gold" or "shining dawn."
frankincense---resin used in incense and in perfumes. it is tapped from scraggly, hardy trees by slashing the bark, a process called striping. the hardened resins are called tears. some even have a method of rooting themselves into rocks, so deeply that their roots keep them from being ripped out of the rock, even during a storm. frankincense also has some healing properties.
myrrh---the resin of a small, thorny tree species. used as perfume, incense, and medicine. extracted by wounding the tree repeatedly. the word myrrh derives from Arabic and Aramaic words meaning "bitter." it was also used in holy anointing oil.
definitely gifts of high worth for a king. but God, as usual, planned things down to the tiniest detail, even symbolically. how cool is that?
Gold for His honor and frankincense for His pleasure
And myrrh for the cross He'll suffer
Do you believe?
Is this who we've waited for?
my train of thought:
gold (ok, know what that is)---honor. like a king.
frankincense (i guess that's like incense)---pleasure. because it's fragrant. ok.
myrrh (???)---for the cross? what the heck is myrrh???
so i went to Wikipedia (my favorite online resource). eventually i looked up the other two, just for fun. because of what i found the first time. because i love symbolism, and because it's so cool and prophetic.
gold---symbolism for divine principles, like the golden ratio or golden rule; for holiness (like the covering of the Mercy Seat of the Ark of the Covenant); for divine authority (medieval kings used to be inaugurated under a golden crown); for great value. gold is the most noble of the noble metals, but it is not chemically inert. it is unaffected by most corrosive substances, so it does not tarnish. it is a pure element, known for its tendency to show scratches. the atomic symbol for gold, Au, derives from the Latin word aurum, meaning "gold" or "shining dawn."
frankincense---resin used in incense and in perfumes. it is tapped from scraggly, hardy trees by slashing the bark, a process called striping. the hardened resins are called tears. some even have a method of rooting themselves into rocks, so deeply that their roots keep them from being ripped out of the rock, even during a storm. frankincense also has some healing properties.
myrrh---the resin of a small, thorny tree species. used as perfume, incense, and medicine. extracted by wounding the tree repeatedly. the word myrrh derives from Arabic and Aramaic words meaning "bitter." it was also used in holy anointing oil.
definitely gifts of high worth for a king. but God, as usual, planned things down to the tiniest detail, even symbolically. how cool is that?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)