embers

"oh, i'll just listen to the Honey Trees while i do my homework.  that shouldn't distract me much because i don't know as many of the words."

o ho ho, silly self.  wrong again.  that took me about 30 seconds to figure out.

anyway, i don't really know what i'm blogging about yet, so i apologize in advance for not making sense.  but it's EBS, and it has to come out.  i actually don't even know what i'm feeling, only that it's super intense.  maybe restlessness.  i know it has to do with the Cambodia mission team coming back, and seeing Sean and his reactions to stuff and changes in him (and through him).  and hearing like three people tell me i need to go to Cambodia next year.  and being impatient about hearing everyone's stories from the trip.  also seeing Madi and Giana and Caleb and Jerad and hearing their stories of how God works and talks to them and  reveals things to them.  and feeling like a child in a room of Bible scholars.  and making plans to be more missional this next year.  and feeling nudges to keep praying for people and actually kind of hurting for them.

and then trying to sit down long enough to focus on reading about the stock market and taxes.  um, no.

ok, i think i might know what it is, or at least a piece.  talking to Jerad the other week, he rightly guessed that i feel a need for not just good relationships, but intense ones.  but i think it's the same with God.  knowing an omniscient and loving God is always there is really cool, and knowing Him personally is even cooler, but i want more.  i want it to be as intense as the guy on the street corner with no lungs and no kidneys, who just expects God's provision every moment because he knows it'll happen.  true story.  or speaking God's healing into someone's crippled legs.  or showing a broken person God's love, and seeing the transformation.  or hearing God speak back to me.  i want to see and be a part of those things.

it's not so much about real or myth anymore.  scholars can argue that until the cows come home (or Christ returns, whichever happens first), but i've made my decision already, and i've seen/heard enough to convince me anyway.  it's more about how much He is alive in my life, about my reality.