i'm just going to drop all objections for a moment and imagine: what would happen if i went to all of my guy friends and said this?:
"hi Friend. i wanted to let you know that i really value my friendship with you, and i would hate for anything to ever make it uncomfortable or strained, especially if it was something we could've prevented. in a relationship like ours, it's easy for people's intentions to become unclear. so i want to tell you that i currently have no romantic feelings or intentions for you. i say this not because you're not a great guy (because you are), but for the sake of the peace of mind of both of us."
you (Reader, or anyone else) might balk at the idea of this kind of directness. or you might say, "well, duh. everyone should be doing this." i immediately spot some challenges with this, such as the fact that the other person might already be harboring some romantic ideas of some kind, and something like this would probably cause the opposite of the intended effect. the other thing is that if either person ever developed those kind of feelings, they might not feel free around the other, with this kind of understanding established. they would have to be just as direct as before, and say that something had changed. perhaps that would actually be healthy. it would definitely be much less comfortable.
the real trick would be if i could say "...but if these things ever change, i will tell you," and mean it.
but there's something about this scenario that really appeals to me. because then nobody would have to worry about walking on eggshells around the other person's romantic feelings. it would be a nonissue (ideally). no guessing games. both people would be totally free to be themselves. it would be more like a brother-sister relationship than anything. the place where it could get the stickiest would be if either person
at any point was not sure how they viewed the other. but if the two
people agreed to keep their feelings ("i think i might have romantic feelings for them") and intentions ("we should start dating") separate during that, then it maybe wouldn't be such a big deal.
that reminds me: i think there should be a term for a male and female set of friends with a non-romantic understanding hanging out. something other than a "date," because that implies the very thing i'm trying to avoid misunderstandings about. hmm... any ideas? hehe... a plate, maybe?
i thought up a response to this while driving, but now i'm discarding it for something more challenging. (not a good sign when isaiah thinks his first response isn't challenging enough...)
ReplyDeleteanyways here are some questions:
1) what if that relational uncertainty could be fun and even comfortable rather than awkward?
2a) what if platonic and romantic aren't black and white and that's a good thing?
2b) what if it were possible for two people to date without realizing it?
3) what if it was okay to hurt someone's feelings sometimes?
i eagerly await your reactions / responses. :)