i'm not in my right mind, and i probably shouldn't post this. but we'll see.
my mind feels like every horrible thing i've ever known coming back. i don't know if these thoughts are foolish hopelessness or just realism. the things i want the most will most likely at best be only shadows of the fullness for which i long; the things i miss the most will never come back at all. some of those who long to know me wish for mutuality i do not and cannot possess, and it forces my hand, clutching a knife, unless i want to fake my way through encounters. i feel like one stuck forever in the middle space between things, hopeless of ever reaching one side or another. relationships are seasonal at best, and only tastes to whet my appetite before the season changes. sometimes i think it would be better to live as a hermit, or at least with as few connections as possible--less to lose. i've posted a lot of this before. maybe i should just post links to those ones instead of filling up more space with repeated words.
i say all this knowing full well that i have no place at all to complain about anything, and i hate that this is here.
this blog is more your place to complain than any other place except your trusted friends, and all of these are needed. 'complain' carries negative connotation... 'vent' sounds like an excuse made up by people who just want to complain with a veneer of justification.
ReplyDeletebut i know you, elisa duffy, and what you do here is introspection. not every post is a revelation, and not every insight is useful, but every time you express yourself and record the result, you give yourself another chance to know yourself.
i feel privileged because you also give me a chance to know you, and that is one of the several important and wholly legitimate reasons why i encourage you not to censor yourself here. it isn't just allowed. it's vital.
take it from someone who also hates that some of his posts exist, but doesn't delete them either, because his intuition urges him not to throw away even the ugly things he creates, because beauty is not the only goal of the blog.
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