i have a confession to make. oftentimes, i get deeply hurt and upset when i see my friends spending a lot of time together, not simply without me, but especially without inviting me to be with them.
i'm pretty sure i've written about this, or at least similar things, here before. this is maybe the thing about myself that i dislike the most. because i have no right to someone's friendship or their time. and i need (desperately!) to learn to let go of that selfishness that holds me in that place, because it eats me alive (figuratively i hope).
i suspect that probably most people who would read this need no explanation. but in case you're thinking "are you serious? what is the big deal? can't you share your friends?" i agree. i'm glad for you, hypothetical devil's advocate, that your emotions match up to your rational mindset. mine do not, unfortunately. so here's the sort of thing that goes through my head:
"oh, i see that these people are together. man, i wish i could be there! oh, but i wasn't invited anyway. but why? i thought we were all friends! but they must be closer friends than i knew. they just have a connection that they don't have with me. maybe they just humor me and let me tag along with them because they are so nice and don't want me to be left out. ha! so much for that. i wish i had known all along how it really was, so that i could've saved the effort. i'm sure they didn't mean to hurt me; they just didn't think about it. i wish i knew them better, so that i could be in that inner circle with them. it's probably that weird thing that i do that disgusts or unnerves them. or maybe i'm just too boring, or too childish. that other person is so much cooler anyway..."
just to clarify, if i didn't have any friends that i wasn't super close with, i would never get anything done, because i would have no energy ever, because i would be so involved in the lives of everyone. but it still doesn't stop the insecurity from creeping in.
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