conflict of interests

this might be one of those posts where at the end of it, we're all just like, "yup, that's how life works." but as usual, i gotta challenge it.



so it seems like i'm having a hard time lining up my short-term goals with my long-term goals. for example, a long-term goal that i have is to become a better clarinet player. so i enroll in band, and clarinet lessons, and chamber winds, and maybe even jazz band, and also i major in music. and, you know, you have to pay money to live, so i also teach music because that is the one thing that i am good enough at to get paid to do. oh, and also other classes--since, you know, college.

that's just the stuff i'm required to go to. but to do all those things and not suck, i also have to practice my music. oh, and also homework--because college.

and at the end of the day, i get home, and i no longer care about music. chances are, i no longer care about any of my long-term goals, but especially music. i'm tired, and music is the culprit (in my mind). i only have one short-term goal, and that is sleeping. well, maybe after just chilling a bit.

this isn't precisely accurate, but it gives a decent idea of what i'm thinking and feeling as i go through life. also, it's just the most extreme of many examples where this concept applies.

so now that i'm graduating soon, very few of these extrinsic motivators will be there. and i'm so okay with that that it makes me question my life direction even more. and yet, now that it won't be a pressure, a lot of the opportunities will also be gone. to go back to the example, it's not just that i won't have to go to rehearsal--i won't be able to. there will still be places to play, but not at the same level as i did before. and it will be a lot harder to find other musicians to play with. i will likely gain back a lot of the energy and drive that i lost, only to have a lot fewer places to use it.  how do i keep getting better at skills and finding ways to use them without stressing myself out?

also, remember when i said that i no longer care about any of my long-term goals? well, that's not totally true. now that i'm nearing the end of this stage, my brain keeps saying things like, "hey, remember that other hobby that you used to love doing? what if you started working at that skill? you'll have more time soon, so let's explore other options!" and that might lead to really cool places, but it also leads to the same pitfall if i don't figure out how to avoid it.



i think it boils down to this: i want to do things for their own sake, and i want to do them well, but i don't want them to stress and tire me out so much that i hate them. i want to be a healthy individual with a sustainable lifestyle (mostly i'm referring to my own time and energy, but sustainability in other ways is also important). and i also want to be good at the things i do. not either/or. both/and.

college is great for getting better at things. that's why i wanted to seize every opportunity. but if you're me, that's also a surefire way to burn yourself out.

all this considered, i don't know what's coming next exactly. which, considering i don't have a concrete plan for very much longer, is pretty terrifying. but whatever the next thing is, i think it has to involve integrating a healthy, sustainable lifestyle into whatever i will be doing to further my goals and make a living.