reconciliation of a broken relationship can seem impossible. it requires genuine apology and forgiveness, but those can seem like insurmountable obstacles that can’t bridge the chasm between two parties. but i think that part of the reason for that is that we have flawed understandings of what apologizing and forgiveness actually are.
DISCLAIMER: i want to be absolutely clear that i don’t write this out of a place of authority, or as someone who is qualified to speak on it, so most of this is my own commentary and paraphrasing of the teachings of others. what i say may well be flawed, and will certainly be insufficient and incomprehensive, but hopefully it recontextualizes this process in a helpful way. ok? ok.
so what does it mean to apologize? first of all, when we apologize, sometimes we tend to do things that we think will add to the apology, but in doing so, we actually negate the very thing we are intending to do. so here are some things that apologizing isn’t:
- apologizing for the other person’s feelings. someone else’s feelings are not something i have control over. so if i say “i’m sorry you were hurt by...” or “i’m sorry if something i said hurt you,” i am actually placing responsibility (and therefore the blame) for the hurt on the person who is experiencing it.
- asking for forgiveness. it’s okay to hope for forgiveness, and depending on the situation, it may even be okay to humbly express this hope (HUMBLY!) but forgiving can be really hard, and it is not fair to place that expectation on someone who is already hurt. and since i am the one admitting to being in the wrong, i’m not really in a good position to, in the same breath, immediately start making more requests of the person i hurt.
- explaining my case for the sake of absolving myself of blame. it can be helpful for the other person if i provide context for why i made the decisions i made. but if i do this in order to explain why i am not to blame, i am just making excuses. really, my intent in doing the hurtful thing is pretty much irrelevant. regardless of whether or not my intent was to hurt, that was the result, and probably all that matters to the other person at the moment. in apologizing, i must be absolutely clear that in spite of my reasoning, i was still wrong, and i know this. and on a related note...
- qualifying my apology by bringing up the actions of the other person. the other person may not be guilt-free, but that is a separate issue, and it doesn’t absolve me of blame. i need to not blame the apologizee for the issue at hand, or else it’s fake. if my apology includes the word “but,” there is a 99.99% chance that I am not actually apologizing, just including a four-letter description of myself.
- losing or submitting. if i have gotten to the point of an apology, then at least to some extent, this is not a me-versus-them scenario (anymore). i am doing my part to make a more peaceful closure for everyone, and everyone benefits. plus, i am recognizing that i, like a regular ol’ human, am wrong sometimes. that being said...
- being the bigger person. this was something that i caused. i am not somehow doing someone a favor or proving how noble i am for accepting the blame for something i did.
so that’s a lot. but then, how do i apologize well?
- feel bad about it. the root of the word “sorry” is “sorrow.” it is an expression of regret. it may be human nature to avoid negative feelings, but there are certain things that should cause us to be upset, and one of those things is injustice or unkindness at our own hands.
- figure out what i did wrong. this is true even (or maybe especially) if i don’t think i did anything wrong. if i don’t know what i did wrong, i cannot possibly be sorry for it, nor can i make a plan for how to do it differently next time. this part may even require help from the person i hurt.
- figure out why i did that thing. this part is for me, and it is so that i can recognize harmful things in myself or tendencies that can make me more likely to hurt people. the goal is to avoid hurting others in this way again.
- actually say the words “i’m sorry” and specify exactly what i am sorry for doing. this may seem simple, but it lets the other person know that i understand what i did wrong and am actually sorry for doing it.
- accept the blame. it goes back to the earlier point. i’m not “sorry that you were hurt,” i’m “sorry that i hurt you.” this was my decision that i made, and i hurt someone as a direct result; therefore, it is my fault, and i must not try to get around that.
- let the other person know how i’m going to change. this lets them know that even though i cannot undo this, i have a plan to not let it happen again.
- say thank you (if i’m responding to a confrontation). it can be really uncomfortable to be confronted, but this is a great opportunity to become a kinder and more mindful person, and that person has helped me do it.
- actually change. otherwise, i probably sound very serious, and sincere, and eloquent, and i am also lying. if i’m not willing to make a change or do what i can to remedy the situation, i’m not really sorry. this is tricky, because sometimes the situation cannot be remedied. but perhaps something of which i should be mindful is whether or not my regret over the situation can be seen in my actions. do i behave differently from before? can the person i’ve hurt see that i will be careful not to hurt them again? if not, maybe i don’t actually regret my actions, and i’m not actually sorry.
as much as there is to keep in mind for a sincere apology, i would argue that the person who must forgive has the harder task. however, like with apologizing, we have a lot of false ideas about what forgiving means, which makes the task even harder. so what is it not?
- pretending there was no wrong done. if there is no wrong done, there is no need to forgive. therefore, in order to forgive someone, i have to acknowledge that they are to blame. figuring out whether or not a person is to blame is rather another matter, but i cannot possibly forgive a person without assigning blame to them, and holding them responsible for their actions is not necessarily the wrong thing to do, even if it feels off.
- excusing or condoning. this might be one of the most daunting parts of forgiveness, because the wronged person may feel like they are left to deal with the aftermath of the conflict while the offender gets away with it.
- understanding. empathy and seeing things from another person’s point of view can go a long way in seeing them as a complex human being, rather than simplifying them to the role of “the one who hurt me.” but this is not done to excuse the offender or absolve them of blame. just because something is understandable, that does not make it right, and recognizing a wrong is a prerequisite to forgiveness.
- tolerating or allowing future hurt. forgiving, even 77 or 490 times, does not mean that, like a doormat, i should just take the hurt over and over again. just because i have forgiven someone doesn’t mean i should jump back into the same types of interactions with them--in which they will continue the hurtful behavior--as if nothing has happened. forgiveness becomes possible, or at least much much easier, with distance from the offender.
- reconciling or restoring the relationship. there are all kinds of reasons for this. perhaps the offender is out of contact. perhaps the offender is no longer living. perhaps it would be downright stupid to re-enter into relationship with them, or maybe even to face them. when a relationship is broken because of a wrong, it requires one person to repent and the other person to forgive before they can even attempt to rebuild what was broken, and this is not always realistic. reconciliation must be two-sided. but forgiveness, when it comes down to it, is one-sided. it is an internal and private matter that makes a space for reconciliation, but primarily benefits the forgiver.
- allowing the offender to escape consequences or justice. there may not be visible consequences for the wrong that is done, but sometimes there are, whether they be social or legal consequences. forgiving the wrongdoer does not mean that these consequences are suddenly gone.
- having good opinions about the other person. there may be no redeeming qualities that i can see to this person or the situation. but forgiveness does not rely on the merits of the other person.
to be honest, when i learned that so many of these things were not part of forgiving, i was left with a bit of a void in their place. but it turns out that forgiveness is much simpler:
- giving up my right to vengeance. forgiving is not the same as accepting injustice, but it’s surrendering my right to implement justice myself. it is an act of trusting God--to be just, and to heal my hurts.
- leaning into and interacting with the issue. acknowledging the wrongdoing is essential to forgiving, but the choice remains of how to handle that information. in order to forgive, i must honestly and peacefully address the hurts that were created as well as the ramifications of them, not shying away or clinging to denial.
- recognizing everyone involved not as the good guys or the bad guys, but as a bunch of fallen humans. it’s easy, when i’ve been hurt, to take all i know about the offender and truncate it into “the cause of my pain,” but every human is more complex than that. this is tricky because if you’re like me, you want to say, “yeah, i’m fallen, but i would never do that.” which may indeed be true, but it really kind of misses the point. every human has similar--though not necessarily the exact same--holes, and tries to fill them with different idols. in so doing, we all betray God, who made all those holes to be filled by him.
- allowing my heart to be changed toward compassion instead of hatred. i’m not convinced this can be forced. but i think it begins with a willingness to have my heart changed, and to hold my bitterness with open hands. and i think it ends with a hope for the best for the offender.
huh. it really tests the whole "love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you,” doesn't it?
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