the fire

i sat there, contemplating the question.

are you the kind of Christian you want to be?

it's not like i live a life of disobedience. whenever aware of it, i do my best to live according to God's will.

but?

well, it all feels kind of empty, doesn't it? why am i exhausted all the time? why is it such a chore to get up in the morning? why do i spend so much time ruminating? why is everything so hard to do? and i struggle with grace, which is problematic considering, you know, the entire foundation of my faith.

"this i hold against you. you have forgotten the love you had at first."

hmm. i suppose. it's not like love and joy have been a big part of my fuel lately.

 

a pause.

 

you've been living in quite a lot of fear, wouldn't you say?

yes, i would say that. in fact, living "in" fear is true. it ranges from the smallest things, like fear of singing in front of others, to the most tremendous things, like the all-spanning fear of failure, which is the true source of many other fears, to the deepest things, like the fear of my own thoughts, to the insecure things, like my very personality.

 

another pause.

 

but a lot of those things are pretty well justified, right? there are pretty concrete reasons that they're there.

sure. but i don't want you to live in fear. does the reason for your fear justify your continuing to live in it?

no.

then you need to face them.

but how? i already tried that, remember? i was spiraling. i couldn't tell what was true. won't it make things worse again?

this time, you will rely on me. i will defend you. i will define your identity. i will sustain you. this is a spiritual battle--stop trying to win it by yourself.

ok. so crazy idea, i could make a list of every fear i can think of, and then systematically go through and take steps to face them. no more running away. i doubt whether it would eradicate them completely, but even if it doesn't, i would practice entrusting them to God, and relying on his strength and comfort. i mean, it's a start?

"if you try to do this without God, you will fail at everything."

yup, i can relate.

are you tired of failing?

yes.

"these things you believe about yourself are not true. they are lies."

"fear is the consequence of every lie"

"this is not the life that God wants for you."

"perfect love casts out fear"

"repent of this belief and stop arguing with God."

are you listening?

ok.