intimacy

[sheesh.  it's about dang time i put something up, after leaving that embarrassing cliff-hanger up there for so long.  anyway, as promised...]

this is likely not what you're thinking.  just hear me out.

anyone may feel free to correct me if i'm wrong, as i'm only one person, but this seems to be, if not the greatest desire, at least one of the greatest desires of everyone's heart.  it is ingrained in us from birth, and lack of it, or the breaking of it, is what causes the most painful experiences.  our view of this defines our views and motivations on friends, family, dating, sex, religion, or even just daily activities.  essentially, our experiences with (and consequent views of) intimacy shape our very core.


i have some examples of this that sort of show what i mean:

1.  a few months ago, i had a dream.  one of my friends from music was sitting next to me on my couch as i chatted on gmail with another friend across the country.  (i don't know why i was doing this, but it seemed perfectly normal and sensible at the time.)  i think they knew each other (they did in the dream anyway).  suddenly, my friend who was sitting next to me asked me if he could read the other chats i had had with the other friend, for the purpose of getting to understand me better through them.  i was so tickled that i let him.  at this point, i woke up.  i had trouble getting back to sleep because i was so giddy about having him care that much (kind of like the moment you find out that one of your friends has been blog-stalking you).

2.  tonight i faced one of my fears.  for my music theory class, we have to record ourselves singing solfege out of a book.  although this is not particularly difficult for me (and i'm starting to dread it less), it is something i generally hate to do while i'm around others, because i'm ridiculously self-conscious when i sing.  i want to be good at it, but i haven't spent enough time developing that skill to sound as good as i want, and my lack of confidence only worsens the problem.
for whatever reason (probably a desire to spend more time getting to know people, or maybe even just an excuse not to spend the evening in my dorm room), i agreed to work on my solfege recording with a few classmates tonight.  when it was my turn to record, the same thing happened that almost always happens when i make an effort to sing well in front of people: that is, my stomach started doing somersaults, my throat went all dry, my lungs shrank to about 1/16 their normal capacity, and my voice came out shaky and faint.  this was pretty obvious to everyone, and my voice was barely audible on the recording, so my classmates refused to let me go on.  they played hymns on the piano and forced me to sing louder than the playing.  when i couldn't, they came alongside me and sang the other parts of the hymn harmonies.  i almost cried because i was so overwhelmed--trying to recover from nervousness while simultaneously touched by their determination to help me get through it.  being that vulnerable sucked, but knowing that it didn't matter was well worth it.

3.  i remember one night when i was a junior in high school.  i had had some unpleasant experiences between friends and family, and chose to keep it quiet, to say nothing of the situation to anyone.  i did not want to face their misunderstanding or their lightness or their judgment.  this was my own problem, and eventually i would just get over it.  but eventually i couldn't stand it anymore.  it was breaking me down from the inside out ("tearing me apart, Lisa!").  so i told two of my most trusted friends, on whom i could count to understand what i was saying.  it was one of the hardest things i've ever done.  i felt bare, naked.  my own guilt, those things that had hurt me so badly, all the things i had been afraid to let anyone see, all out on the table.  but my healing did not start until then.


i think that almost everyone, if not everyone, has a past, or secrets, or things about them that they perhaps would rather people not know--things that are hidden.  sometimes they're even just small things, like personality quirks (like the sorts of things i have hypothetical conversations with other people about).  yet these things do not passively stay locked away in an internal prison cell.  they long to get out, to be set free.  they long to be found out by someone who wants badly enough to know them, who will not disdain or condemn them.  i speak (er... write) from only one perspective, but i think that we all want to be known like that, completely, with all our strengths and flaws, all our personality, all our past, all our vulnerability.  complete openness.  but we're just too afraid that those we let in might not like what they see, that somehow we won't measure up to everyone else's standards.

prologue

i have a confession to make:  i talk to myself... like, all the time.  (it's not that embarrassing, because i think a lot of people do this too.  but whether they do or not, it's not something i intend to stop any time soon, so whatever.)

sometimes i have hypothetical conversations with other people.  usually it involves me giving detailed explanations to made-up questions that i secretly wish these other people would ask me (especially personal questions about myself or my views on things).

ohh, i can't wait to feast on all this delectable food for thought...

*segue into next post*

it's not that complicated

have you ever felt a longing to know someone?  or have you ever missed the way a person used to be?  or longed for a relationship with the person they had potential to be?

i'm starting to understand God's heart better.  not that He doesn't love the way we are, but when we chase after other things, He craves the part of us that isn't His.

from the time we're born, we're told "Jesus loves you," and "He died for your sins," and other cliches.  but don't you realize that all He ever wanted was a relationship with you??? He longs for us!  intimacy---that's what He created us for, so that we could choose Him for an intimacy that nothing else will satisfy.  the thing is, even that won't satisfy us if we're not actively pursuing it---this is not something we can go about casually or without intentionality. 

plate-tonic

i'm just going to drop all objections for a moment and imagine: what would happen if i went to all of my guy friends and said this?:

"hi Friend. i wanted to let you know that i really value my friendship with you, and i would hate for anything to ever make it uncomfortable or strained, especially if it was something we could've prevented.  in a relationship like ours, it's easy for people's intentions to become unclear.  so i want to tell you that i currently have no romantic feelings or intentions for you.  i say this not because you're not a great guy (because you are), but for the sake of the peace of mind of both of us."

you (Reader, or anyone else) might balk at the idea of this kind of directness. or you might say, "well, duh. everyone should be doing this."  i immediately spot some challenges with this, such as the fact that the other person might already be harboring some romantic ideas of some kind, and something like this would probably cause the opposite of the intended effect.  the other thing is that if either person ever developed those kind of feelings, they might not feel free around the other, with this kind of understanding established.  they would have to be just as direct as before, and say that something had changed.  perhaps that would actually be healthy.  it would definitely be much less comfortable.

the real trick would be if i could say "...but if these things ever change, i will tell you," and mean it.

but there's something about this scenario that really appeals to me.  because then nobody would have to worry about walking on eggshells around the other person's romantic feelings.  it would be a nonissue (ideally).  no guessing games.  both people would be totally free to be themselves.  it would be more like a brother-sister relationship than anything.  the place where it could get the stickiest would be if either person at any point was not sure how they viewed the other.  but if the two people agreed to keep their feelings ("i think i might have romantic feelings for them") and intentions ("we should start dating") separate during that, then it maybe wouldn't be such a big deal.

that reminds me: i think there should be a term for a male and female set of friends with a non-romantic understanding hanging out.  something other than a "date," because that implies the very thing i'm trying to avoid misunderstandings about.  hmm... any ideas? hehe... a plate, maybe?

feels so good

i've been getting introverted syndrome with my blog.  meaning, i've been wanting to write more, but i haven't had much that's new to say.  or when i have had thoughts, they've gotten stuck somewhere in the articulation between my head and my fingers.  but i think this is easing up, so i hope to be writing here more.  :)  reunited!

here's an unattached, undeveloped thought to start out:  if/when i get married, i hope that we never run out of things to say.

"oh, you're one of those people"

...has got to be one of my most dreaded responses. it's like saying:

"you have that one quality/interest/opinion that's different from mine, so you must be just like all of those other people that i can't stand."

and as much as i'd like to be able to say that i don't care what other people think about me, it's often more of a goal than a reality. which is maybe why i'm sometimes so passive.

battling mist

some people act like they're going through difficult times in order to get attention.  this post is not talking about them.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that support systems like church or friends aren't just there to encourage you when you go through something really hard, but also when the struggle is all in your head.  because people who have genuine struggles don't get them for no reason at all, whether it comes from them, from an outside party, or even from supernatural attacks.  each person has different struggles.  but a true friend is still there, even if the trial seems minor, because at the time, it might be just what the person needs.