shame

true shame is looking in the face of my temptations and being unsure if i can look away.

true shame is seeing just how much i can doubt that which has stood by my side faithfully.

true shame is thinking about what the right choice is and being tired of making it.

true shame is thinking about my past self and genuinely wondering if she would be proud of me.

premises on fear

so if:

• fear and desire tend to be related (Mendel), and
• fear is the result of belief in lies (Dostoevsky), and
• the devil cannot create desires in us (Donehey), and
• perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18), then

what is probably actually happening is that we are tricked into believing lies, which causes fear, which twists our desires to point away from God. but if we straighten out our understanding of the truth, then our fear is replaced with love, and our desires point us rightly toward God, who can actually fulfill them.


fascinating.

musings on the duration of relationships

how do you know when a relationship is over, or when you should stop trying to invest in it? mostly, friendships fulfill a specific role in one’s life, but it’s also about those specific people. so when the roles change, or those people stop being a part of one’s daily life, or the people themselves change, what is it that keeps a friendship going? for what purpose is it to be perpetuated, or at what point does it just become nostalgia? what is the point of friendship anyway?

we (especially Christians) talk about guarding our hearts when entering a relationship (especially romantic ones). this does make sense, since investing too much up front is risky if there is a high probability of the relationship breaking apart. and yet, it is impossible to have a genuine friendship without any emotional investment. such a thing would be fake, or at best just going through the motions of friendship without any of the purpose or fulfillment of one. like that C.S. Lewis quote. so how do you balance your emotional investment? how much do you risk to pursue something that may not last long?

(this is why the idea of “lasting friendships” is hard. a romantic relationship “lasting” implies that the couple ends up married and committed for a lifetime. but other friendships have no such covenant, and few are really expected to last for a lifetime (though that may be the hope), so how do you know if your investment has “paid off”? is that even a good way to look at it?)

the madness

honestly, having feelings for someone is just the dumbest thing. like, even if you know that the chances of it working out are very slim to none, you still can’t help thinking about them all the time, getting excited at even a short message from them, wanting to know all about them, wanting to share yourself, always wishing they were there with you. and always running through, a million times in your head, everything they said. how did they say it again? and what was the context? is this something a romantic interest would do, or could it also be something a platonic friend would do? what could be going through their head? what is the likelihood of each possible scenario? it’s a kind of madness. a disease which, even when you know it won’t last forever, you can’t imagine ever being cured of. and if you’re honest, you’re not sure you want to be. reason has left the building, and you’re suddenly left in the unpracticed hands of intuition.

words to barf by

i'm trying to rebuild and fortify my walls, but to be honest, you've come closer than anyone else has before.

how on earth did you do it? were you even trying?

i don't know what kind of feeling this is, but there is now almost no time when i don't think what i'm doing would be better with you there. i want to see you, talk to you, be around you. i want to see you in so many settings. there are so many things i want to share with you, and so many things i want you to be a part of. i want to see all your reactions to things, and know what you think about things. i want to listen to you talk about so many things, big and small. i want to look into your eyes and make you laugh, and listen to the sound of it. i want to hear you sing, out loud and to yourself. and as much as i enjoy your outer layer of humor, i want to know you so much more in earnest.

is there anything about you that won't charm me?

if you really are drawn to me, i can't think of why. but if i'm truly honest, i want to be known by you too.

musings on: friendship

when i'm with you, my insecurities fade away.

to be able to say anything, reveal the most unflattering parts of myself, and still be sure of your positive regard.

i can't understand it, but you won't hear me complaining.

i want to share with you everything. i want to know you completely, and have you know me too.

patronus

it's almost time for lunch. man, i wish i could stop yawning. we've been at this for hours--ducking under trees, crawling over logs, crossing streams. still, i can't think of anywhere else i'd rather be. i am powerfully hungry. i wonder how much farther we have to go?

"what is your article going to be about?"

"it's about earth porn. or maybe about this backpacking trip."

earth porn. kind of a click-bait-ey title, but still--i bet it will get people to read it. i wonder if he's going to try to combine those two ideas somehow. or perhaps we're helping to write it, with these philosophical conversations. i hope i say something thought-provoking, or something worth remembering.

"i've never written an article for such a widespread and diverse audience before, but this one is going to be in Christianity Today."

wow. that is a widespread audience. that's so dang impressive.

"i would love it if i could upset a few Christians."

hm . . . yeah that is kind of fun. i'm not one to stir up conflict, but i do think that the Church could stand to be made healthily uncomfortable a bit more often. it would force us to challenge and question what we believe, and to strengthen it, rather than just walking in blind faith.

maybe that's what i've always hated about so-called "Christian culture." the fact that so often we just take what we're given without question. it's almost like Christianity is in this pre-wrapped box that pretends to have all the answers, even when there are many issues it doesn't resolve. but each pre-wrapped box contains something different. we could compare what's in the boxes, but we don't. we just assume that the one we have has everything right.

". . . i mean, it's unprecedented that a religion, especially such a major religion, would be unable to read their own sacred texts."

i wonder how important that is. it does seem ridiculous at first, but on the other hand, Christianity is very widespread. should we expect all Christians to learn ancient Hebrew and Greek? we have translations. how much of a difference does it make being able to read it as it was originally written?

"sorry, my ocd is kicking in again. sometimes if i get on a topic, i'll go on and on. that was a long answer to your question."

"that's alright. i like long answers." i really do. why would anyone want a simple answer when you have the opportunity to learn so much about a person, or an idea? plus, this makes it much easier to keep up a conversation. i love talking to people, but i wish i was better at it.

"elisa, you have a beautiful mind."

i--what? where did that come from? did he really just say that? that's so beautiful--how do i even respond?

"aww, wow! that's the best kind of compliment!"

"i would say you have a musical mind, but you would misunderstand what i meant."

"what would you mean if you said that?"

"well have you ever read the beginning of the Silmarillion?"

"yes!--just the first chapter of it."

"you have! well that's what i mean."

to be honest, i'm still not sure i completely understand. but--that's--wow.

"if i remember correctly, there's some dissonance that's included isn't there?"

"that's right! well personally, i'm kind of a fan of dissonance." in more than one way, sometimes.

"me too. when i was composing music . . ."

you have a beautiful mind too, Dr. Carson.