battling mist

some people act like they're going through difficult times in order to get attention.  this post is not talking about them.

the more i think about it, the more i realize that support systems like church or friends aren't just there to encourage you when you go through something really hard, but also when the struggle is all in your head.  because people who have genuine struggles don't get them for no reason at all, whether it comes from them, from an outside party, or even from supernatural attacks.  each person has different struggles.  but a true friend is still there, even if the trial seems minor, because at the time, it might be just what the person needs.

that sappy nostalgic coming-of-age post

it's strange.  i've spent the last 13 years working toward a goal, and the last 1  1/2 yearning for it to be over with already.  but now that it finally approaches, i feel hesitant (if you can feel hesitant about something inevitable).

don't get me wrong: i can't wait to get out of high school.  and despite what they say, i can assure you with 98.9% certainty that i will not miss it.  but i will miss a few of the people, and it has only been this year that i've come to realize that.  Jerad suggested (and i think he may be right) that God has perhaps provided these people not only to bless me with some enjoyable relationships at school, but also to help me learn the value of even non-in-depth relationships.  i used to not want those at all, but i'm changing my mind.  can you imagine how overwhelming it would be if all of your friendships were the kind where you discussed deep matters and vulnerabilities?  sometimes i just want someone to have a common interest with (not that there can't be both, or that i can't invest in someone i'm less close to, but in a way it's less weighty, which can be necessary).  if all my friendships were this way, i would go insane, but it's nice to have a balanced variety.

even in my indecision, i am eager and excited for things to come.  but there's still that little part of me that lingers its hold.  well, i still have a couple months to enjoy anyway.

this turned out to be less about nostalgia and more about relationships, which increases its value by quite a bit.  i kind of think this should maybe be two separate posts, but i don't have the time or energy to make that happen, so whatever.

things that do NOT work

• habitually staying up late and getting up early---even to finish work.  my ability to think clearly and focus turns to mud.  also i'm more likely to get upset or stressed out.
• neglecting obligations that i choose to place lower on my list of priorities---it's a choice i sometimes must make, but i don't like it because i have a deep-seated aversion to doing things halfway.
• scheduling out every bit of time in a day---because inevitably, something has to get moved around sometime, or it goes over its allotted time, and then it screws up everything else that day (or week).
• not having everything ready to go the night before---let's face it: i don't think coherently until... 1-2 hours after i wake up, on average.  can't rely on that kind of thinking to decide what i'll need for the day.
• waking up early to get a substantial amount of work done--- ...right.
• working in bed, in front of a tv, with the internet up, or with people around---that's not necessarily all people, but people who are likely to make little comments, for whatever reasons.  my focus is crummy enough already, without extra distractions.  oh, and the internet is sometimes necessary, but usually not.
• setting only one alarm, in an easy place to get to---because i'm a fairly heavy sleeper, so i do things like turn off my alarm without even waking up.
• telling myself when i need to be somewhere---seriously.  then i invariably end up leaving at about the time i should be there already.  much more effective to tell myself when i want to leave, and then when i really need to leave.

i'm also learning that i tend to work best when i am relaxed, which explains my preference for working with music,  without people, and without strict time constraints.

may this help the future me to continue getting better at balancing my overambition with my own limits.

night before morning

unsuspecting, i find myself in the midst of an unfamiliar haze.  as the fog clears, i look for my fears, but they seem to have been misplaced.  in their place is a new world around me, not fulfilled, but oh so promising.  i hoped for this, but i did not expect it this way.  the sun is high in the sky, and everything is bright and new.  it's so surreal, but i dare to believe its truth.  it has its flaws, of course, as any world, but i am content to explore and then overlook them.  i swim up to the sky's peak to taste a bit of cloud, and i harmonize with the birds.  everything seems so simple, so light, so tangible here.  basking in the sun's warmth, in the warmth of my own euphoria, i close my eyes...

when i open them, they smile into the dark.  my security and peace lingers for a few more moments, and the taste of all things sweet spreads over my tongue in remembrance.  i realize that i hear a blaring instead of birdsong, summoning me from my warm bliss.  it promises that every night turns into a new, real morning.

future famous quote

"Sometimes... Christianity is just a bunch of nerds in a book club."
- T.C. Lewis

eden pt. 3: the entropy

full of determination, the young traveler set out in search of the lake.  the search did not take long;  she found it on the opposite end of its normal clearing.  she resolved to visit it every so often, in spite of its absence from its normal position.

with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete.  this was the first thing that the girl noticed.  sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts.  they were not dissonant--just basic.  no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another.  over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary.  the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable.  almost.

upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked.  although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it.  the plants and animals were spread out.  several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled.  the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business.  the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.

the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information.  first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing.  yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay.  she then sought out the badger.  after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly.  yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.

she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.

Come in, it said the next time she came.  so she plunged in.

to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up.  deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight.  she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.

sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank.  stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever.  she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been.  it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary.  yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before.  and she knew she was hopeless to change it.  she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.

so she sat.  and she cried.

eden pt.2: the shadows

one day when the young traveler returned home again, she immediately noticed something amiss.  although the creatures of the trees and the ground and the air all seemed to be singing their usual cheery songs, something in the air betrayed a melancholy heaviness.  all at once, she realized the problem: the lake had receded all the way past its bushy curtains.  its steady murmur was absent from the mix.

greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do.  she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem.  she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight.  she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.

just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.

Follow me, it said.

looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been.  she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it.  however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her.  she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.

as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude.  on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake.  the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely.  she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense.  she sat down and thought for a long while.  she had to do something.  she just had to.  whatever the consequences.  then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose.  cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.

I am glad you have come here, it said.

startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too."  she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters.  eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light.  but it was only temporary.


the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper.  the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it.  so she took a deep breath and dove in.  she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.

she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time.  at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant.  when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.

as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change.  she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed.  even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.


after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space.  water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds.  the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.

the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last.  as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more.  she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once.  but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove.  still there, but barely visible.

"Are you leaving again?  So soon?"

Yes.

astounded, she stared.  an uneasiness began to dawn on her.

"But you'll be back again, right?"

she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her.  she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.  

No, never.  Goodbye.

with that, the lake vanished entirely.