i tend to be kind of a perfectionist. you probably already know that about me.
my mind has been kind of like a pendulum in that respect. for so long i have been pushing myself to do the best that is possible. but then, once i started reevaluating the underlying values in that motivation (which were mostly selfish), i started swinging the other way. eventually i got to the point where i almost didn't care about... achievement, for lack of a better word... of any kind. almost. thank God (i think) for that part deep inside me that wouldn't let go. i'm coming back now, but i plan to stop before swinging all the way back again.
don't get me wrong though. it's not all about me. that is what i need my subconscious to understand. i need to stay motivated, but not so that i can be a more accomplished or successful individual. it's so that God's purpose for me may be realized, and that He may be glorified through what He created.
(oh, and when i say motivated, it no longer means "convince yourself you really care so that you can do better and get through this easier." now i mean "do the best you can, and keep going, but rely on the peace that God doesn't expect your perfection... only your devotion.")
i think this might be my lesson.
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