trustrating

apologies for this post being three weeks overdue.  better later than never, right?  of course right.  on with it then.

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prologue:  in a couple posts a few months ago i made reference to a disagreement i had with my parents, regarding some choices i had made about friends.  it caused a lot of pain between my parents and me for a while, and i almost felt like i would have to choose between that particular circle and my parents.  through some rather uncomfy discussions, the issue was outwardly resolved.  lack of energy and time forced it all to the back of my mind (sort of, for a while), but it never quite stopped eating at me, especially at inopportune moments.

since then there have been several more posts that have been cluttering up my drafts folder.  i will respect the detail i did not go into publicly (and spare you, Reader, of an even longer and more confusing read) by not posting them in their entirety.  i've learned that carelessly communicating raw thoughts and emotions, except in rare circumstances, can be one of the most dangerous and even hurtful things a person can do.  instead, i will show excerpts of the drafts so that you can get an idea of what has been going on inside me.

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[8/25/13]

pretty much all of my feelings, and some of my thoughts, want me to go into an all-out rebellion, but at least i have some rationality left to keep me mostly under control.  i keep thinking i need to bring the subject up again to try to resolve it.  after all, when you randomly start crying in public places with little to no provocation, there's obviously something really wrong.  i don't usually cry that easily.  but then other times i think that i should just do what i've been doing with this friendship, which has been mostly "underground," to try to do what i can with it.  i don't really expect to change her mind, after all.  

i've always considered my mom and me to be pretty close.  i know she loves me, and she's concerned for me, and she wants the best for me, and she wants to train me up in God's ways.  i want to become more solid in my faith, which does include "living above reproach."  if something about the situation is inappropriate, i really hope that i can find or be shown the passage that says it.  all i see here is two(+) people sharing God's love in a brotherly-sisterly way.   maybe i'm just deceiving myself.  my brain has been over and over this.  God, just help me to know the right thing!  

Mom is a godly woman who [obviously] has played a tremendous role in shaping the way i think.  but i also know [my friend] to be an avid Christ-follower too, [one of the most loving people i know] and [l]e's also influenced me a lot.  to have them taking opposite sides of an argument, even with some animosity it seems--i don't even know who to trust anymore.  i know, i know.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart..."  but mostly the way He's spoken (to me) is through other people.  which is challenging now... to whom do i listen???  the people i trust the most disagree!!!  probably what i need to do is focus on knowing God more personally, so i can understand His character, so I can understand His intentions for right and wrong.  but for now, i still don't know how to bring up the situation to Mom, or whether or not to even mention it.

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[9/1/13]

defeat is inevitable because your position wins you the war by default, so i gently raise my white flag before it even begins.  these peace talks that have begun are necessary, and i want them more than anything...well, almost anything.

as you are unwilling to budge and will stop at nothing to enforce what you believe is right, i give in with all the compromises on my end while inside i am screaming.  outside i am only doing what is right, to end something that should never be started, but my inside begs me to consider that it might be worth the fight of a losing and maybe even wrong battle to gain some control for my own country.

i mask me with a diplomatic smile at you as i keep repeating your levelheaded points to myself, trying and trying to understand and believe and accept them.  my closest allies whisper tactics in my ears, but i keep attempting to tell them why this surrender is the right thing.  i realize that the reason i can't adequately communicate it to them is because i can't even fully convince myself.

the real question is whether or not i'll actually be able to hold back my own spirited forces.  my entire army is equipped and on the verge of an all-out war, and i have faithful allies who will fight with me to the death.  but i am the general, am i not?  don't i get to decide which moves will be the right ones?  and am i not governed by the laws of God, the laws of ethics?  though i have argued over this many times, the laws still seem fuzzy here, and i might not have the willpower to withstand a full-blown mutiny.  i want peace, and i know that you do too, but i want that which is right even more...and you do too.  if only it were as clear as the feather of this pen i'm using.

you are so sure of your stance, for it is where your country's armies have always stood and always won.  if i could be as sure as you, maybe i could stand a chance.  a rebellion seems over the top, but then again, where would this country be if its rebellious and divided inhabitants had never fought for their independence?

war here will almost certainly not lead to peace.  and it probably won't even lead to victory.  do i smother my army to stifle their cries in hopes that the status quo is really best, or do i run the high risk of marching them off of a cliff in a blind search for right?  maybe death to self is best here after all.

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[9/12/13 (after talking to my parents, then my friends about the situation)]

well.  then.  i guess i did the right thing.  relationally, things seem to be resolved.

why then do i feel so awful?  if only i could convince myself of the things that seem to be truth, which i've come to accept.  or that these conversations with my friends and my parents have made things better and not actually hurt anyone.  nothing seems clear anymore.

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[9/20/13]

something's not right, and the fact that i can't seem to nail it down makes it even more annoying.  everything is reconciled now.  i think.  mostly.

but the one person who refuses to understand is myself.  i've repeated the logical arguments of right vs. wrong vs. blurred lines to myself over and over and over, but something in me is still questioning it.  i really related when Jerad was talking about Lot and his settlement just outside of Sodom when his heart was really in the center of the wicked city.

in this, i admit, i am guilty.  i bend rules all the time, which is what got me into the most trouble in this case.  but here's the thing that won't reconcile in my mind: i never intended anything bad or sinful.  well, one time we went out, and that was partly because of anger and rebellion, but that's not even the heart of the problem.  all any of us ever wanted was clean, wholesome, unadulterated friendship.  but apparently something was wrong with it.  i just can't get there.

so instead of intentionally moving into Sodom's boundaries, i feel like it's more of a gradient between Sodom and Canaan.  but the boundaries are completely undefined.  oh, and there are also mines buried all along the gradient.  so even if i'm far from where i think Sodom is, i can still take a step and have it blow up in my face.

this is all kind of a moot point.  for the sake of all my relationships, i have agreed to the safest terms of the general everybody (especially my parents).  i'm learning to not rely on my understanding of things (which is like the hardest thing ever).  but i am NOT willing to go on not understanding the things i do.

and i am not willing to go on feeling like i am guilty.  for doing wrong when i thought it was right, for hurting anyone's feelings when i thought it was right, for trying to further relationships.  it just doesn't make sense.

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[12/9/13]

i am bothered by the littlest things.  actually, it's usually the implications behind them, but the littlest things set me off.

i'm so sick of having things make me feel better.  i don't want to just feel better--i want things to actually be better!  i'm so full of "i don't understand" that it's frustrating me beyond words.  i'm so urghed (pronounced similarly to "irked" but with more meaning).  how can i be expected to act like everyone else my age and to enjoy the company of everyone else my age when i'm not like everyone else my age?

one of my most un-favorite feelings in the world is feeling as if you've hurt someone by doing something unintentionally, but not being sure if you really did hurt them or not.  guilt.  :.(

if i am going to find a solution besides more rebellion and secrecy, i have to find out what i did wrong besides not being sneaky enough.

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STOP NOW.  not reading; feel free to do that.  but sometimes i tend to portray things the wrong way and make people biased.  if you know my parents and now are starting to feel a little differently about them, STOP IT.  they are very godly, fun, interesting people, and i wouldn't trade parents with a single person on the planet.  just, sometimes we still disagree, and this time i took it too far, i think.

bear with me--i'm getting to the point.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."  i never knew how hard that actually was until a few months ago.

trust does not mean blind faith.  but i think that trust in anyone means sometimes taking their word for things and even acting on it even if you don't know why.  which is extra hard for someone who feels a need to understand why she does the things she does.

"In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight."  meaning, praise Him in all circumstances.  acknowledge that He always knows what is best, and will always work for the good of those who love Him.  meaning, trust Him to work things out, even if you (i) don't understand it all.



all people are wrong.  some more often than others, but eventually, everyone lets you down.  henceforth, i need to remember that i won't understand everything, and that life isn't fair (newsflash!).  right now i can trust in the Lord by moving forward, taking care to keep Him as my true focus.  He has a plan, even when i don't see it.