i want to sleep, but i don't want to go to bed having done nothing. i want to get out, but have no idea where i would go. i don't want to be alone, yet i can't think of a single person i want to be with (no offense please, Reader).
i have a million things i can do and a million more things i should do, yet i have no motivation because i'm so bored with it all. i have the ability to pursue almost anything, but nothing is exciting me.
i have God-given potential and purpose, but my existence at this stage doesn't seem to be quite fulfilling it. i am always so busy spending all of my time accomplishing nothing.
in fact, i don't even know why i'm writing here--it seems so pointless.
pointless, useless, listless, restless.
i know why. it has to do with the amount of good i'm doing for anyone right now. actually, it probably has more to do with the amount of good i feel that i'm doing (in a permanent or meaningful way) for anyone who needs something. and the amount of good i feel that i'm not able to do for them. i admit that my view might be skewed, but still.
i think i'm relying too much on myself. that's why. i suppose.
the sliver of silver lining is that lots of new beginnings are potentially just around the corner.
maybe i'll just go to bed anyway. then i can wake up and busy myself doing something that seems like it matters.
having read this through twice now, and certainly with great respect for the i upon which all your tests agreed... i still think that most of what' going on here, was not mentioned in this post.
ReplyDeleteindeed. like giving you the punch line without telling the rest of the joke, or why it would have been funny. that wasn't exactly intentional, but at the time, i was trying to discern between relevant struggles and weekend tiredness. there is more that is related, even if some of it is indirect, that i shall shine light on here.
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