lone wolf pack

newsflash (hehe, not): i am lonely.

i say this not to make anyone feel bad for me, or even to say that you in particular are not doing a good job as a friend.  in fact, if you are reading this now, it's likely that you're one of the best friends that i have (and i am exceedingly grateful for you---more than you know).  nor will the point of this post be to elaborate over that too much (hopefully), as i have done that before.  i don't like repeating myself unnecessarily.

the point is that i am not alone (in being lonely).  =)

i rarely, if ever, speak for other people, but in this case i have met several others who have somehow indicated that they were lonely, even though other people were available to them in pretty much every case.

so why are so many people so isolated?

i'll tell you.  i don't know.

maybe because we lonely people don't know there are others.  maybe because we don't know how to reach out to them, or how to interact with them if we did.  maybe because our trust has been broken and we find it too hard to give it again.  maybe we're so concerned about being seen as an outcast that we hide it too well---so we unwittingly worsen our own problem.  i don't know.  probably everyone has different reasons.

hmm... well, here's what i know about myself.  i relate much better to older people on a mental level, but i often can't relate to them well on an experiential level.  i have more shared experiences with those my age, but even then it's hard to relate because i view so many things differently.  sometimes i find it easier to be with guys than girls because in some cases there's less double-sided-ness about them, but those kind of friendships can get complicated very easily.  i am rather introverted, which makes it difficult for me to be outgoing to people i don't know.  and, sometimes i intentionally hide my real opinions and personality from people who i don't trust to understand me.  i've been in friendships that seemed about perfect in almost every way, and now i'm spoiled.

i've also discovered that it's not the being alone that i hate, until i try to think of other options and can't come up with any.  oh, sure, there are people i could go hang out with, but it would mostly just be to pass time.  i've spent enough time trying to look like i was "in" with a group of people to know that what i'm really looking for is someone with whom i have a mutual excitement to be with each other, as well as a mutual desire for intimacy and vulnerability.  but i look around at what other people have, and i'm jealous.  not the malicious kind, but the sad kind, because i want that so bad, but can't find it.

obviously i don't have this figured out, but maybe the real problem is my focus.  maybe instead of looking for this kind of friend, i need to be that for someone, or someones.