i can't even count the tears i've hidden. tears of longing, of disappointment, of grief, of loss, of hopelessness, of jealousy... it's a wonder i even bother anymore. but i do, because no one must see me like this, in all my ridiculousness and insecurity and dangerous pain. it isn't safe... for them.
i wish i could let go of things that are dead, but is that a lucid clambering for closure, or is it a lack of faith? is that small hope actually faith, or is it just a voice of desperation to resurrect something that is gone for good? i wish i could just brush things off.
i wish i could not be ridiculous, numb to tragedy and broken-hearted over spilled milk. i can't let go of the insecurity because there is a rational mindset to back it, but i can't let anyone see it, lest they think i'm some kind of fragile flower needing their constant consideration and sympathy. never mind if it's true--i don't want their attachment because of that. and no one must see my bitterness either, because it's not justified. this isn't someone's fault, regardless of my feelings.
i don't want sympathy. i don't want to blame anyone. i don't want to be the jealous or overly-attached type. i don't want to
be anyone's obligation. i just want definition and truth. i want to stop second-guessing myself.
What you seem to be wrestling with is something with which I'm familiar. It's called being a regular ol' human.
ReplyDeleteLogically, yes, it's frustrating. Because these are things that, practically, feel like "spilled milk." But that's where all these inconvenient emotions come into play. You can't just reason them away, no matter how much you rationalize or how sound your arguments are.
You don't have to be invincible. Loneliness (and, more to the point, not wanting it) is normal. Everyone wants a sense of belonging, and there's nothing wrong with that. All that said, you never have to be self-conscious about addressing this stuff. I think part of the closeness you long for comes with the vulnerability to communicate this sort of thing to the people you care about.
Just thoughts. Love you. :)
Your tears make you look anything but fragile.
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