before i begin posting my cool story i want to address something that has been building up.
today i was required to go to a double senior recital. i thought that it started at 4:00, but it actually started at 3:00. hence, not only was i late . . . again . . . but i was almost an hour late for it. i got to see about one third of it.
"Elisa, don't beat yourself up. it was an easy mistake to make."
sure, if it were a one-time thing. but it seems like all i ever do is make mistakes. like, even when i'm intentionally trying to avoid them. in fact, i've spent the entire week cleaning up my own messes. not like, "hey this room is a mess; i should clean it up," but more along the lines of, "wow, how on earth did i get myself into this mess?" it's gotten to the point where looking at my life just makes me laugh sometimes.
i almost started crying on the way home today. i left right after the recital, without saying hello to anyone, without congratulating the singers, and without so much as stopping by the reception. maybe that was rude, but i didn't even care. i thought i was peopled-out. that's what it felt like. looking back on it though, i think i was ashamed of facing so many people whom i respect so highly. i know they would probably show me grace--most people i know just want to help. but i couldn't bear it; not like that.
"it's really not that big of a deal. if it affects you that much, just plan to be places early."
ugh. hypothetical commentator, you annoy me.
1) fyi, i was there early. several hours early, in fact. i just didn't have the information right, so i wasn't in the correct building. totally different problem.
2) the lateness is not the point. the point is that i can't seem to get anything right anymore, either because i don't have time or because i'm so stressed out and tired that my brain is almost useless.
3) actually, the real point is that i apparently have a much bigger fear of failure than i ever thought. so much so that i'll want to avoid those who can help me because i'm so ashamed to be seen like this. i think that's why i tend to dread lessons and classes, since i'm usually barely prepared, if that. this past week or two, i've had to look my own failures in the face more times than i would have ever predicted. i'm so tired.
now, those in college group, you probably already knew most of this stuff. at least, i gave you a taste of it. and my situation is on its way up, i think. and you were a big part of that. your words of truth have continued speaking to me these past few days. they've been somewhat restorative. i'll be okay. really and truly. just... i can't wait for this semester to be over.
this is me not censoring. again, this is here for the sake of introspection, so i'm sorry if i sound like a drama queen. i certainly feel like one, but whatever. i don't fully know yet how far this kind of transparency should extend. but i know i can be honest here.
"sometimes, i'm so thankful for your loyalty.
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me.
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me."
yes, you. thank you for that gift.
don't forget to attribute at least some if not all of not only your mistakes but also your reactions to those mistakes, to your sleep-deprivation. a duff who got 100% of the good sleep she needed would be far less afraid of any given frightful thing, for the simple reason that the amygdalae need rest too.
ReplyDeleteor if you prefer: think about how your confidence level across the board is affected by how well noureeshed you are.
a studentypoo must often choose which commitments to fulfill (i.e., one is sometimes incapable of meeting all obligations 100%, and a student often rather than just sometimes). but, the pattern i see, especially among conscientious students (ironically), is that they try to do more than they should, and end up doing far less than they can, mostly because the first obligations they compromise are their obligations to self-care. those compromises then compromise ALL the other obligations, *as well as* the students' own equilibrium both before and after the obligations go unfulfilled.
if i could change the rules of every college everywhere forever, but i could make / remove / alter only a single rule... i would require all students to take a "this is your effing mandatory naptime, because you're likely to slowly but surely ruin yourself otherwise" class. it would be worth eight units and everyone would have to take it every semester.
why we (yes, me too, but mostly in the past) take such bad care of ourselves thinking it will help us meet our obligations is one of the great mysteries to me.
ugh... equilibria*.
Deletealso, sorrynotsorry for the comment's harshness. others would think it inappropes to critique someone who had just finished critiquing herself, but i feel the need to make certain a critique is helpful and not just incisive.
i love you and want you to succeed, or i would not comment at all. don't give up, not only in your pursuit of success, but in your pursuit of understanding the processes that lead you toward or away from it.