i'll go first

. . . is what i would say if two other people hadn't already not procrastinated and beaten me to it.

1. what is your name? 

elisa (or e-duff, depending on whom i'm talking to)

2. who are you?

i am created in God's image. i am the disciple Jesus loves.

3. what is your quest?

to bear God's image as accurately as possible, and to know him as well as possible.

4. who is God?

the Creator, Sustainer, and Lover of the world. the Essence and Source of all that is good.

5. how are you? 

this is probably the hardest question on here. i am alive. i am able to support myself financially. i am surrounded on all sides by kind and thoughtful people. by those metrics alone, i am doing better than at least 99% of the world (debatably much more than that if we factor in the "alive" part). mentally and emotionally, i have been much more stable and happy in almost all other seasons of my life. these past few days, i have felt very loved. in this moment, i feel slightly above normal because i've been exercising. so, in the vernacular, and on the average--ok, i guess?

6. on a scale of 1-10, rate this year for you.

2.5, probably

7. what was your favorite part of this year?

having adopted and developing a relationship with my cat. also, trusting my parents fully.

8. what was your least favorite part of this year?

probably all the times that my brain became an echo chamber and i could no longer define what right and wrong were, or whether i was capable of doing anything good or worthwhile at all, and i thought maybe my whole existence was inconsequential at best or a nuisance at worst.

9. what is something you've been thinking about lately? 

what is friendship? do i have realistic expectations in this area? how can i become a better friend? would i ever want to get married? how can i find ways to refuel my energy and motivation? how can i develop a realistic and sustainable daily routine, in which i get done the most essential things?

10. what is the best movie you've seen in the last year, and why did you like it? 

not to beat a dead horse, but Lord of the Rings really does get better every time i watch it, especially the extended edition. this time it struck me how much of a burden the ring grows to be on Frodo, and how it gradually corrupts him, taking not only his future, but his very nature. which makes Sam's love all the more powerful, because he is fiercely steadfast and loyal, even to the point of foolhardiness. also Aragorn's love for his friends and commitment to them is so beautiful, and instead of creating conflict when he has to choose to become king, they embolden him to take it on. and even the love between Merry and Pippin, and . . . so anyway, it has great character dynamics and growth, and is inspiring soul food, and very quotable. the end.

or else, maybe my favorite movie i saw for the first time was School of Rock, since both the topic and the philosophy of it hit home on a variety of levels, and the comedy is great, and Jack Black is pure gold in that movie.

11. what have you learned in the past year?

how to forgive

12. what do you hope to do in the next year?

make some musical recordings that i deem good enough to share

13. how do you hope to grow in the next year?

improve in my communication and punctuality, in no particular order. also i want to be more genuinely kind and generous habitually.

14. what's a book you've wanted to read for a long time, but haven't yet?

The Princess Bride

15. what do you like about yourself?

my wit and ability to notice things that could be easy to miss. my willingness to try new things. my openness to others' experiences or ideas. my curiosity about a wide variety of topics and hobbies. my appreciation for artistry. my deep commitment to those i love. my integrity to both my values and my experiences. my ability to dive deeply into thoughts.

16. what do you dislike about yourself?

the difficulty i have asserting myself in social situations. the difficulty i have keeping up with emails and texts. the difficulty i have getting places on time. the difficulty i have with even simple disciplines. my tendency to shy away from situations that could make me appear foolish or judgmental. my deep-seated desire to impress other people. my tendency to dive too deeply into thoughts. but actually, i dislike myself the most when i am jealous, which tends to draw me further away from everything i would like to become.

17. what is my best quality?

possibly perseverance in the face of ill odds.

18. what is my worst quality?

possibly my propensity for self pity. or my bent toward perfectionism.

19. what fictional character do you aspire to be like?

Rapha Hadassah, because of her integrity and courage. or Uncle Iroh, because he uses the brutality of his life's experiences to learn how to treat others with kindness and wisdom.

20. which fictional character am i most like?

Haruhi Fujioka, in that she is pretty sarcastic and pragmatic, but soft-hearted, and she is driven to accomplish her goals, but finds out that friendship is much more important to her. also, she doesn't define herself by the roles that are expected of her, but just strives to improve her character.

21. what characteristics are essential in a friend?

i have enough thoughts on this to fill several long posts all on their own (and i have! and i probably will again before too long!), and also, i'm still developing my ideas about this, but at this point, i would probably boil it down to loyalty, honesty, sensitivity, and mutual effort.

22. what is something you've i've wanted to communicate to me, but never have [don't remember often enough]?

it's ok to feel your feelings, even if they are unpleasant or don't align with the line of logic you would like them to.

23. what do you i want from me?

rest. please.

24. what would you i like me to expect from you myself?

mercy, for others and myself

25. if you i could occupy any place in my life, what would that look like?

all of it.

26. how can i be a better friend to you myself?

be gentler, and take care of my physical body better.

27. if you were a superhero, what would your power be?

the ability to manipulate sound waves would be pretty rad. although, i'd say if i could know whether or not what someone was saying was known to be factually true, or maybe whether or not the person believed what they were saying was true, that would probably win out. basically either superhuman intelligence or superhuman insight.

28. what is one thing you i wish i would ask you myself [more]?

does this thought line up with the things you know to be true?

29. what is one thing you i wish i knew about you myself?

what exactly are my motives in [insert situation]?

30. what would a successful life look like for you?

a life that made people think, "oh, that must be kind of how God is to us." also, a life of contentment and joy and hope, regardless of circumstances.

31. what do you wish no one would see?

my moral failings, like pride or self-righteousness

32. what is your pet conspiracy theory or fake existential problem?

call me old-fashioned, but i still find the idea of The Matrix pretty interesting.

33. what is one characteristic that the world needs more of?

humility in general, and especially the variety that allows you to consider that you may be wrong, and admit to it.

34. what is something you would like to try sometime?

more types of ballroom dancing. singing lessons. therapy. maybe being in a romantic relationship that seems like a good idea.

35. what is something you want to do, but are afraid of?

songwriting

36. what is one of your fondest memories?

the day Laurel and Margaret and i took the train to Hanford and got ice cream, and then sat outside the library and took turns reading chapters of our books to each other, and then we took Laurel home and ate with her family, and then on the way back Margaret introduced me to AJR, and i cried a lot in the car, and she told me she loved all of me.

37. what movie should everyone see, and why? 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. aside from the creativity employed in the film-making, it gently emphasizes the importance of everyday moments and individual growth, even in the midst of the actual adventures the characters face. the main conflict is in the main character's own mind, and is dealt with in the ways he approaches the world around him, which i find to be enticingly relatable. alternatively . . . i mean, Lord of the Rings.

38. what are you proudest of?

though i have a hard time associating much gladness with the particular season or day it happened, i'm still pretty proud of building a rube goldberg machine.

39. insert a question here and answer it. 

will i do this?

no.

(prank'd!)

40. what is one question you've had for a while, which you don't have an answer to?

assuming that faith is a gift from God, how does that work together with human free will?