irrational function

wanna know something kind of interesting? i am obsessed with productivity and efficiency. it's not something i've spent a lot of time realizing, which is somewhat baffling, since i spend most moments every day thinking about how to be more productive, how to get done all the things i want to do, how to work more efficiently. (side note: i actually think this type of thinking is pretty common, and can actually be kind of harmful if taken to extremes. i'm remembering the feeling of guilt i would get in college when i would take a nap or watch a tv show or spend time with friends.) it's funny because i tend toward a rather slow working pace in a lot of things. but when it comes to figuring out the most efficient way to do something, my brain tends to work on those kinds of problems instinctively, sometimes without me even trying.

seriously. one time, i was joking with a friend who tends toward similar existential thought processes as i do--and also similar types of humor. we were saying, wouldn't it be interesting if we could, instead of experiencing our character growth gradually over the course of a lifetime, go through it all in a condensed period of time--all at once, basically--and then we could finish life young, and it would be super efficient? and then we laughed at the thought of it. my philosophy teacher was sitting near us. i don't think he understood why we found it funny. he looked vaguely concerned.

wanna know something silly though? even when it comes to my emotions, i approach it with the goal of productivity. grief is something to get through, or crying is fine because it's a tool to help me process something, or sadness is a key to solving some kind of inner dilemma or understanding something about myself better. it accomplishes a purpose, so the best thing i can do with it is learn as much as i can from these emotions. even this blog--what is it at times besides a striving to make sense of everything i'm feeling? surely, if i think more about the origins of my feelings, they will make sense, right? but as i experience more of life, i'm finding there are times when i can't pinpoint a specific reason or thought process associated with my emotions. sometimes, it isn't even clear what emotions i'm feeling, only that whatever it is, there's a lot of it. and that is super frustrating--how am i supposed to work through the emotion if i don't even know what it is?

i tend to see emotions as windows into the mind. i am not convinced by the line of thinking that they generally serve as a good guide; rather, i think they are most helpful for understanding what i truly want and value.

but actually, maybe, sometimes, all emotions need to do is to be felt.