i was all the way up at the register when i realized that not only did i not have my wallet on my person, i hadn't even brought it with me today at all. this . . . is a shamefully common occurrence. so i was starting to (annoyedly) gather my groceries to put them back when i heard, "nevermind, he's got it." "he" being the guy i had let go in front of me while i tried to find my money and get my act together.
i looked up. "wait, are you serious?" this wouldn't even be what i would consider a "cheap" shopping day.
he just kind of shrugged. "[stuff] happens, right?"
i think i sort of nodded, and thanked him emphatically. it eventually occurred to me to offer to venmo him, but he just said not to worry about it. which is great! not worrying about things is my special talent. that's why i have a blog like this.
it's not that i was worried, exactly. i was more just taken aback. it's not like i asked someone to step in for help, or would have ever even expected that--it was my own dumb mistake, after all. the point is, he in no way had to do that, and he did it apparently without hesitation, and wasn't even interested in being paid back for it.
so yes. there are unexpectedly kind people in the world. that alone is enough to inspire me to be kinder and pay it forward. but to get introspective for a moment (after all, aren't i the most interesting subject to focus on?), my knee-jerk reaction is noteworthy for a couple of reasons:
1) i felt really bad that this was, as far as weekly shopping goes, a bit on the expensive side--not crazy extravagant, but the kind of shopping that would be evened out by barely having to buy any groceries next week. for context, i tend to be pretty aware of the flow of money. not like, in a diligent way all the time, where i'm extremely organized about it (though i try). rather, i'm very aware of when things will cost me a lot, either for my own sake or for someone else's. and i'm very aware when others spend money on me. that doesn't always mean i will withhold spending money for someone else, it's just that it tends to be a deliberate decision to do so. i wouldn't say that i'm particularly generous by nature, which is something i'm not proud of (though to be fair, i think over time i have grown in that regard, to some extent).
2) i couldn't get over how this kindness was not in any way required. i tend to feel VERY bound by duty, in general. i think i've posted about this before, but it is one of the largest factors in how i make most of my decisions--at least decisions that seem to have some kind of a moral component to them. but there was no reasonable sense of duty that should have compelled this guy to help me out in this situation, especially so freely.
this second point is particularly interesting to me because it seems to present a tension between two values which i hold in high regard: duty and grace. strange, no? it seems like they ought to go hand in hand. so why do i react the way i do? many times, i feel like i ought to be kind, or i ought to help someone if it's not too much trouble. many of us find this, i think--kindness may not always be technically required (a right), but it is often socially expected (an obligation). but then again, i also ought to use my money wisely, and i ought to make sure i have everything i need before i leave the house, and i ought to plan out my choices instead of acting on impulse. i have responsibilities to myself and to society (at minimum to be basically functional), and so do others. so there can be a conflict between the expectations i have for myself and the allowances i'm making for others. and not becoming bothered by that double standard can feel like a duty too.
now for this stranger: his actions were neither required, nor socially expected. and he would've had every reason to just carry on his way. this is why it's so surprising to me that he didn't.
the mentality of duty i described before, i'm pretty sure is in error. i think i'm missing the point. because it's legalism at its core. making a duty out of kindness? it's Pharisaical. and as a result? it can be difficult for me to accept grace, and to give it. ironic, right? considering that grace is the foundation of my entire belief system. so i need to be humbled. today, and again, and again. like the classic praying for patience, this is the kind of acknowledgement that is scary to make because it will likely be (and is) unpleasant. i need to be knocked down and land on my face so that i can love grace, and know how much i need it, and love giving it. i have thought in the past i had had enough of that to get the point, but this might be the kind of growth that needs to be hammered in deeper and deeper from time to time. because the truth is, i want to be moved by compassion, not merely duty.
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