this is a sequel to a post i haven't published because it's embarrassing. i intend to though. not because i feel obligated, but because it's part of the story, and it will lend context to this one.
i seem to have developed an interesting defense mechanism. i like to think of it as a sort of secret service organization, designed to protect me from getting hurt. i think to some extent it's always been there, or at least for a long time. but i suspect that it really ramped up a few years ago. if it had an antihero monologue, this is what it would've said:
"romantic feelings have taken you over like a cancer. they're destroying you from the inside. and so, as with a cancer, we must eradicate every last bit of them. i will deprive them of fuel, starve them out, and euthanize any stubborn remnants. i will cauterize your heart to prevent reinfection. and if they, or any of their kind, even think about resurrecting themselves or showing their faces around here again . . . i'll be standing behind them with a gun to their head."
and like many defense mechanisms are prone to do, this one may have grown to become more of a hinderance than a help, at this point. it was once the case that i would rather feel a dull Nothing than the overwhelming pain i was facing. but i don't actually believe that blocking out entire sections of my heart is a healthy long-term solution, and it's probably not necessary anymore. it's scary to take risks. but sometimes it can be beneficial.
(i don't mean to imply that romance is necessary for feeling anything. i just mean that if that particular feeling should become a possibility, i would typically rather aim for Nothing instead.)
No comments:
Post a Comment