bitter end

so there's a premise i've had for years, maybe forever. readers of this blog are likely already familiar with it, though i may have never actually articulated it in so many words as i am about to. the premise itself has become more clear to me in the contrast of others not holding it. and it is this:

without close friendship, i would have a very difficult time *feeling* like life was worth living.

this may not be revolutionary, or all that uncommon. but this premise does a lot to explain why i go to such great lengths to defend the friendships i have, even when it is uncomfortable or painful to do so. it explains why i am so slow to let them go, even if they have been effectively over for a long time. it explains why i tend to resist or oppose things that seem like they may threaten those friendships, and why i have, at times, been somewhat possessive of my friends. and actually, i am not sure it's that common for this idea to develop in the way it has, to the degree it has, for me. i've felt for a long time that there seemed to be something fundamentally different about what friendship means to me, compared to many people. and i think, basically, this is it.

now for commentary: i still do think there is something noble in being willing to defend your friendship to the bitter end, regardless of personal cost. that's why i have held on to this way of thinking. however, as with most things, there can be an unhealthy extreme. for example, i would generally say that it is not healthy to remain in a relationship that consistently and only drains you of your life force, or is only painful all the time and cannot be otherwise. it is not healthy to remain in a relationship in which you are abused or neglected. and, at least in the case of friendships, i don't think it's healthy to force a relationship to remain intact, or even remain the same, if the other party does not want it. ("remaining the same" is an idea that in itself is flawed, as if any relationship can remain a single way forever, or as if its participants can remain the same forever.) so there have been times when i have harmed myself (and also maybe others) in trying to "defend" something that was never going to, and should not have been expected to, remain as it was.

i'm not sure if this was where i originally intended for this post to go, but this is adequate.