stepping outside

so many people will do anything and everything to avoid an awkward situation.  especially introverts i think, since those seem to come more easily to us.

at this point i am reaffirming that my primary goal in life is not to avoid awkward moments or discomfort.  and that it's even ok to acknowledge them.  let it be so.

(actually, not just a reaffirmation, but a reminder--no--command for myself.)

scattered thoughts of a lone wolf

not to self-deprecate or say that i'm bad company, but sometimes hanging out with myself gets old.

i'm going to be sick if i hear one more person tell me that i'll never be alone.

i'm glad for God's company, even though it can't and isn't meant to replace human company.  that was part of design.

maybe, just maybe, i can be that friend for someone else.

i'll admit i'm picky, but it's nice to give someone joy just by being there, being me.

God, I want so badly for You to be the one thing that completely fulfills me, that removes my need and desire for anything else.

i choose to differ.

i have arriven at the conclusion that one's social life is severely underrated by many, especially those with a strong sense of responsibility.  i would like to hereby challenge them by proposing that it is a responsibility in itself, and an important one.  that is a key way through which things of immaterial importance happen.

fight or flee or free

there comes a point where there is nothing else that you can do that is useful.

and later there comes a point where introspection stops being productive and helpful.  it just starts festering.

and later there comes a point where trying to evade both becomes ineffective, if not impossible.

when you can't fight, and you can't untangle, and you can't run, that's when you have no choice but to surrender.  but then again, maybe that was always the point anyway.

embers

"oh, i'll just listen to the Honey Trees while i do my homework.  that shouldn't distract me much because i don't know as many of the words."

o ho ho, silly self.  wrong again.  that took me about 30 seconds to figure out.

anyway, i don't really know what i'm blogging about yet, so i apologize in advance for not making sense.  but it's EBS, and it has to come out.  i actually don't even know what i'm feeling, only that it's super intense.  maybe restlessness.  i know it has to do with the Cambodia mission team coming back, and seeing Sean and his reactions to stuff and changes in him (and through him).  and hearing like three people tell me i need to go to Cambodia next year.  and being impatient about hearing everyone's stories from the trip.  also seeing Madi and Giana and Caleb and Jerad and hearing their stories of how God works and talks to them and  reveals things to them.  and feeling like a child in a room of Bible scholars.  and making plans to be more missional this next year.  and feeling nudges to keep praying for people and actually kind of hurting for them.

and then trying to sit down long enough to focus on reading about the stock market and taxes.  um, no.

ok, i think i might know what it is, or at least a piece.  talking to Jerad the other week, he rightly guessed that i feel a need for not just good relationships, but intense ones.  but i think it's the same with God.  knowing an omniscient and loving God is always there is really cool, and knowing Him personally is even cooler, but i want more.  i want it to be as intense as the guy on the street corner with no lungs and no kidneys, who just expects God's provision every moment because he knows it'll happen.  true story.  or speaking God's healing into someone's crippled legs.  or showing a broken person God's love, and seeing the transformation.  or hearing God speak back to me.  i want to see and be a part of those things.

it's not so much about real or myth anymore.  scholars can argue that until the cows come home (or Christ returns, whichever happens first), but i've made my decision already, and i've seen/heard enough to convince me anyway.  it's more about how much He is alive in my life, about my reality.

a smidgen

something has come upon me. something so small yet that i daren't even speak it.  yet it simultaneously chills me and warms me to my toes and fingertips--quite a feat.  a stirring.  an idea the size of a mustard seed, but with potential to outgrow all the garden plants.  it perhaps would not sound like a radical idea, but it could have radical effects.  and it could also pose several risks, in both the physical and spiritual realms.  but then again, doesn't everything, conscious decision or not?  i may be just the person--inspiration and roots have already started to dig in a bit--but to make it work, i may have to be twice the person i've been.  this might be from God--but i must make sure first, if i can.  if nothing comes of it, then so be it.  but if it is from God--well, let it suffice to say that it may be a part of my Purpose.

things to start scheduling a consistent time for every day

• Bible reading
• intentional prayer
• spending time all by myself, without obligations such as homework (aka resting time)
• sleep
• other stuff that has nothing to do with this post

i was already doing all of those, but with not enough consistency.

it is my intention to start being more intentional with ministering to people in an intense, casual, everyday, deliberate sort of fashion.  i admit i'm at a bit of a loss as to specifics, especially after this next year.  but i do know that in order to be effective doing this, i need to be prepared to give as much of myself as possible to people.  which means preparing more of myself to give.  i need to have at my disposal as much social, mental, emotional, and physical energy as possible, as well as time and spiritual equipment.  this will certainly be tricky, since there are already so many demands on both my time and energy, and will continue to be, at least as much as ever.  but we'll see.

so anyway...  the beginnings of a plan to be more prepared overall.