unsuspecting, i find myself in the midst of an unfamiliar haze. as the fog clears, i look for my fears, but they seem to have been misplaced. in their place is a new world around me, not fulfilled, but oh so promising. i hoped for this, but i did not expect it this way. the sun is high in the sky, and everything is bright and new. it's so surreal, but i dare to believe its truth. it has its flaws, of course, as any world, but i am content to explore and then overlook them. i swim up to the sky's peak to taste a bit of cloud, and i harmonize with the birds. everything seems so simple, so light, so tangible here. basking in the sun's warmth, in the warmth of my own euphoria, i close my eyes...
when i open them, they smile into the dark. my security and peace lingers for a few more moments, and the taste of all things sweet spreads over my tongue in remembrance. i realize that i hear a blaring instead of birdsong, summoning me from my warm bliss. it promises that every night turns into a new, real morning.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
future famous quote
"Sometimes... Christianity is just a bunch of nerds in a book club."
- T.C. Lewis
- T.C. Lewis
eden pt. 3: the entropy
full of determination, the young traveler set out in search of the lake. the search did not take long; she found it on the opposite end of its normal clearing. she resolved to visit it every so often, in spite of its absence from its normal position.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
with the lake gone, the forest harmonies were irreparably incomplete. this was the first thing that the girl noticed. sure, the harmonies were altered, and other voices filled in their parts. they were not dissonant--just basic. no one ever mentioned the change in harmony, except in whispers from one creature to another. over a long period of time, the formerly familial interactions of the forest became less frequent, and only happened briefly or when necessary. the whole process was so gradual and non-threatening, it was almost unnoticeable. almost.
upon returning from one of her travels one day, the girl looked around with fresher eyes than normal, and stood shocked. although her beloved home looked generally the same, it had a tired and run-down feel to it. the plants and animals were spread out. several of the vines, which had once knit together the whole scene and made it difficult to distinguish one area from another, had been broken or trampled. the forest creatures, though as friendly as ever, were deeply immersed in their own business. the few melodies in the air, while not exactly dissonant, did not fit together.
the traveler, suddenly realizing the vast difference between this place and the place she had once decided to call home, frantically rushed to those in the forest upon whom she knew she could depend to have information. first, she consulted the great oak tree, who said nothing. yet with some prodding, its silence confirmed the girl's fears--that there had been dissonance in the air--largely unnoticed, which had caused the forest's decay. she then sought out the badger. after hours and hours of searching, she found it, and it greeted her fondly. yet when she asked it about the decay, it had nothing to say, and nervously scurried down the nearest hole.
she continued to visit the lake, which had heard of her inquiries.
Come in, it said the next time she came. so she plunged in.
to the girl's surprise, much of the murkiness from before had cleared up. deeper and deeper she swam, each foot bringing her greater insight. she finally began to understand why the lake had finally left the little grove, why it refused to return, and why there was still a chill in the air.
sopping and exhausted, she emerged and dragged herself onto the sandy bank. stunned, the girl just sat, feeling smaller than ever. she knew all about the fall of her home, her heaven--the way it had been. it dawned on her that her life might return to the way it had been before she had come to the grove, nomadic and solitary. yet she knew that she herself would never be the same, that she would have an even harder time accepting this lifestyle than ever before. and she knew she was hopeless to change it. she did not know how to plot her next course of action, nor even to what end that action would lead.
so she sat. and she cried.
eden pt.2: the shadows
one day when the young traveler returned home again, she immediately
noticed something amiss. although the creatures of the trees and the
ground and the air all seemed to be singing their usual cheery songs,
something in the air betrayed a melancholy heaviness. all at once, she
realized the problem: the lake had receded all the way past its bushy
curtains. its steady murmur was absent from the mix.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
greatly concerned, the girl did not know what to do. she looked up at the tree and down at the badger, but neither acknowledged the difference in the atmosphere, though the girl sensed they both knew the problem. she even searched for the deer, who she knew sometimes drank from the lake's waters, but it was out of sight. she looked up at the sun, who also made no reply, but sent a ray of warmth to her to reassure her. the girl decided to linger and try to sleep.
just as she was dozing off, the sun's ray of light moved from her, waking her up.
Follow me, it said.
looking over, she saw the light shining on an opening in the brush where the lake had been. she had noticed the opening before, but never pursued it. however, this time her curiosity and concern got the better of her. she got up and gingerly padded over to the brush, parting it.
as the girl stepped through the thick bushes, she was immediately stricken by the heaviness of the air, as though the melancholy of the grove's air had been merely a light prelude. on the other side of the brush was a clearing, almost entirely darkened by the trees' long branches, and in the middle of it, the lake. the lake had retreated far into the clearing which it had once filled, but the girl was relieved to see that it had not disappeared completely. she could tell that the lake did not see her there, which also gave her some comfort, as it did not know of her invasion of its defense. she sat down and thought for a long while. she had to do something. she just had to. whatever the consequences. then for an even longer while, she mustered up her courage, and arose. cautiously, hesitantly, the girl tiptoed over and stepped one foot into the lake.
I am glad you have come here, it said.
startled and relieved, the girl simply replied, "Then I am too." she lingered for a while longer to keep the lake company and dangle her feet in its solemn waters. eventually, though, she had to get up to return to her business in the light. but it was only temporary.
the next time the girl visited the lake, she stepped in a little deeper. the water seemed very clear, but she still could not see very far into it. so she took a deep breath and dove in. she was shocked by the coldness and darkness of the water, which reinforced her sense of melancholy that much more, but the lake reassured her that she was still welcome there.
she began to come more often to the lake, swimming deeper each time. at times, the water became too murky for her to go on, or she would come to a spot of high salt content, for which she was to buoyant. when this happened, she would let herself rise back up to the surface, hoping that she could go further next time.
as she explored, both underwater and on land, the traveler's eyes began to change. she began to see new details, even in her familiar routes, which she had never before noticed. even the sun looked a bit different--but of course, her view of that had been changing since she had first come upon the grove.
after finishing her explorations one day, the girl returned to her home and noticed that the lake had risen into its former space. water trickling in from its stream created a soothing addition to the forest sounds. the traveler sat down and drank in the scene, perfectly content that her former status quo had finally returned.
the scene went on for quite some time, but it was not meant to last. as the traveler came home each day, she noticed that the lake had began to dwindle again, more and more. she went to query the lake, intent on demanding what the meaning of all this was anyway, and to stop this nonsense at once. but before the words even left her lips, she noticed that the lake rippled only at the very edge of the little grove. still there, but barely visible.
"Are you leaving again? So soon?"
Yes.
astounded, she stared. an uneasiness began to dawn on her.
"But you'll be back again, right?"
she immediately regretted the question, for a sense of despair began to bubble up in her. she was almost certain of the answer, and that it was inevitable.
No, never. Goodbye.
with that, the lake vanished entirely.
eden
for the sake of storytelling, feel free to ignore the physical inaccuracies. :)
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
~ ~ ~
once upon a time, on a remote, yet fairly large and populated island, there lived a young traveler. independent from the day she was born, she would hike down the island's roads, carrying only a backpack with her few possessions in it, and following the sun, which never set. sometimes she would pass by interesting villages, and she would stop to take part in their whims. sometimes she would even come upon other travelers or creatures who would walk with her a ways, until they had to turn off to reach their destinations. whenever she got lonely (which was not uncommon), she looked up and ahead, hoping that the sun would lead her to a new companion, which it would do periodically.
one particularly warm day, when the girl's backpack felt especially heavy, the sun led her to an inviting shady grove. glad for a cooler environment, she followed it to the edge of a lake peeking out from behind some brush. the rest of the lake was hidden by the brush, but the girl could see that there was moving water behind it, as the edge of the lake rippled slightly.
after taking a drink, she sat down to rest for a just few minutes under a great big evergreen oak tree whose roots formed a perfect spot for sitting. out of the corner of her eye, she noticed movement: a badger digging up from its sett to enjoy the summer weather. a deer lay nearby, just listening and watching her with its large, kind eyes. the strange voices of the various wood creatures made a peaceful and soporific lull...
the traveler soon realized she had been sitting for longer than she had intended, and headed back to the road. she traveled all throughout the next few days. (a day began each time she woke up from sleep.)
but eventually she found herself back by the grove. without objecting, she again entered and took a drink (the water seemed to taste just a tiny bit deeper somehow--or maybe it was her imagination) and sat in the shade of the great big oak tree, whose roots seemed to welcome her just a tad more cozily (unless it was her imagination). as she put her head back, the girl noticed that she could see the sun a little clearer when the trees' leaves sheltered her eyes from its overwhelming brightness. she also noticed some shiny glints on the oak tree.
she got up to take a closer look. they looked like... yes, indeed they were... small pieces of gold? the girl had, on a few occasions, encountered such things, but these had a subtle and mysterious luster to them which she could not explain. then she remembered that she had also seen glints around the lake, so she went over to examine them again. sure enough, she found more treasures, though slightly different in appearance.
"Hmm... maybe some pirate of long ago abandoned his treasure here?" she wondered aloud. she looked up. although the tree and the lake said nothing, they gave her the impression that the treasure must have come from something far older and more mystical than a passing rapscallion.
then she saw what was causing the pieces to shine so brilliantly. as she held them, she noticed mirrorlike facets on each, which caught and reflected the sun's brilliance. picking up a few of them, she left in awe and wonder.
the sun led the young traveler back to the grove more and more often. each time the girl came back, the lake and the tree and the badger and even the deer welcomed her more and more (and she was sure it wasn't just her imagination!). sometime she would even climb the big oak tree or dip her feet in the lake or splash in it. and when she was around, the badger would come up from its burrow and affectionately butt against her. and the deer, which had been friendly yet distant at first, would often come around and gently nuzzle the girl's hair.
at one point or another, almost all of the creatures she met (plus the lake and the oak tree) had small (and sometimes not-so-small) treasures to offer her. the once-foreign harmonies of the grove had grown so familiar to her that she came to call it her home. in fact, if ever any voice was missing, the harmony was very obviously incomplete. but most of the time she came home to the grove, all of its inhabitants were there. she became infused into the whole scene.
when she did go out, she almost never carried her backpack around anymore. she had no need to be weighed down by it, especially when she had such a paradise to call home. though she still traveled moderate distances, she had finally found a place that would always be there upon her return.
she did, however, carry a few of the bits of gold that all of her new friends had given her. every time she set out on the road, the sun seemed closer and brighter, though it was also easier to make out. when she would encounter other travelers and road creatures, she began noticing some that looked lonely or ragged or weary. knowing the feeling well, she offered them some of her treasures, which shone of her beloved sun and reminded her of her dear friends. some rejected the gifts, suspicious of her intentions, but some accepted. though very few saw the same reflections in them that the girl did, they still thanked her for them and went on with a slightly lighter step.
"Ahh... if only I could make them see the brightness and beauty that I see in those treasures!" the girl sighed one day, as she returned her hands to her pockets to feel the missing gold which she had gladly just given away. to her surprise, she not only felt it replaced there, but another like it! it was then that she discovered that her treasure multiplied as she gave it. she had sensed before that it was unlike other gold in more ways than its shape and reflection, but now she knew for sure that it was no less than supernatural.
supernatural suspicions
[12/29/14 12:49 pm]
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
something is happening that i can't explain, and i like it, but it's also really strange for me. but no, i can't just go into it head-on like that. let's see...
ok. so, band was usually always my favorite class in the past, followed by orchestra. the reason for this was that a lot of the orch people had more drama going on between them than the more practical band people, so i wanted less to get involved. but most of the drama queens have graduated now.
my favorite class this year is orchestra. by a lot. for one thing, i really like the mix of people in my class, but it's more than that. i look forward to seeing them every day. like, that's the highlight of my day. and i find myself actually wanting to see them outside of school. a lot.
"umm... yeah. it's called making friends. it happens a lot with people of similar interests. it's actually pretty normal."
not for me! most of the people around me i... get along with. some of them i even like pretty well, as far as acquaintances go. if i think about you after i leave campus, it's either a pretty good sign or a really bad one. but this... it's totally different. several of these people i strongly desire to have more than just a friendly acquaintanceship with. my longing to know them is even comparable to what i feel for some people at church (a bit different dynamic, but still). the weird thing is that there's no obvious reason that i see for this recent development (which eats at me a little, as you can probably imagine, if you know me). to want that this strongly for specific individuals who are actually my age is... very very rare.
ok. the more times i read over this, the more ridiculous it sounds. also, if i use the word actually one more time, i'm actually going to delete this entire post, so i'm just going to stop here. :)
i do not care what you think
[12/29/14 2:20 am]
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
normally, i would agree with this kind of attitude, or at least i mostly used to. so often, people are so wrapped up in what other people are thinking of them, they almost completely lose their sense of individuality.
this is not a new concept to mankind.
but the thing wrong with this post's title is that even though those insecurities are often subconscious, there are some very good reasons for them.
dun duN DUN!
ok, maybe not so much "oh my gosh! everyone is wearing blue today. what will they think of me if i wear.... GRAY???" *GASP*
but something like this is actually valid: "everyone is watching this movie [playing this game, reading this book, doing this thing, whichever cliche you prefer], which goes against a lot of things i stand for. what will they think about me if i don't go with them? what will they think about my values if i do go with them??"
or even: "i'm making this decision and i don't care what anyone thinks! except... if i completely disregard everyone else's opinions, how will that affect my relationships with them?"
bottom line: everything i ever do is pretty much guaranteed to stir thoughts in people. some will be positive; some will be negative. i cannot spend my entire life worrying about these things, because they will always conflict in some way. so in a way, i still agree with not caring about people's opinions. only, i would word it differently:
"i care very much about what my words and actions say to other people about me and about the things they associate me with. but that doesn't mean i care about their approval."
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