types of relationships in which i am supremely disinterested

• one-sided relationships
• relationships that function only as working/business relationships but are trying to act or pretend like they are genuinely personal
• relationships that are only perpetuated for the sake of what they used to be
• romantic relationships in which at least one partner really wishes they were still single, or begrudges the other person for their loss of independence
• romantic relationships which start out with one person NEEDING the other, either physically, emotionally, or to live a healthy, normal life (i AM independent, so i don't want to be someone's therapist or emotional support SO or maid or stand-in mother. we must both be contributing members, needing each other only because we have chosen to give the other person that power.)
• romantic (or really any) relationships in which the other person does not value me for my strengths

an expert stoic's guide to accepting feelings

growing up, one of my favorite characters to watch on tv was Mr. Spock. he was always the problem solver, always the voice of reason, always able to keep his head when the other characters got carried away by their emotions. as a Vulcan, of course, he claimed to have no emotions at all, but rather operated solely on logic. and it didn't hurt that he was usually the one with the snarky one-liners. i think i kind of admired his character because i tend to be so frustrated by my own feelings. indeed, i've often referred to them as "the bane of my existence." feelings are fickle--they demand that you pay attention to them and cater to them, yet they can change at the drop of a hat. they have nothing to do with rationality, nothing to do with wisdom; they cannot be reasoned with. such a nuisance--this is my gut reaction. and yet, upon closer introspection, feelings are not so devoid of reason as we might expect, but they are instead built on it. if we find the reason behind our emotions, we can often track the purpose for them. for example, take sadness. in the same way that physical pain is designed to alert the presence of a problem or an injury, emotional pain forces one to pay attention to more abstract problems, like the loss of something important. likewise, anger is a way to activate the mind against perceived injustice. jealousy is similar, recognizing the violation of a perceived right to someone or something. fear alerts one to perceived danger or unwanted situations. depression (if it were a healthy emotional response), on the other hand, acts more as a numbing agent against emotional pain that has ceased to be helpful. this is probably well known information to anyone who has seen Inside Out, but the really interesting part is the redemption of these emotions--how are they treated biblically? humans are biblically designed to reflect our Creator, and the experience of emotions is no exception to that. sadness, as our expression that something is abstractly wrong, reflects our need to be cared for and healed. anger reflects God's desire for justice, and even spurs on the conviction that injustice should not go ignored. fear is perhaps the most enigmatic, since "pure love casts out fear," yet the Bible does make one provision for the fear of God. the conclusion here is that for one whose faith is in God, there is nothing to fear because the one with power over all things, even death, is the advocate for your eternity.

forgiveness: part i

a couple of thoughts:

forgiveness is NOT the same as reconciliation, which is something i didn't realize until recently.

that being the case, having to face forgiving someone really gives me a new perspective on God's justice system. i understand so much better now.

and the prospect of forgiving wrongs is somewhat easier when i direct my rage at the real enemy. i may be full of spite, but maybe i can be motivated to forgive out of spite toward the evil that keeps screwing up this beautiful world.

locus of control

i have a bad habit of overanalyzing every situation i find myself in, especially the negative ones.

i've always seen this constant analysis of everything as a two-edged sword, but as definitely having its benefits. this same type of thought process is what helps me to find out what went wrong and avoid those results in the future, right?

wrong.

or--well, maybe. but the problem with that way of seeing the world is that life is not necessarily a series of if-then scenarios. i have control over my own choices, and those choices make certain events more or less likely to happen. but few things, if any, are certain--most situations have a lot more variables than just my own choices. i tend to think i have much more control over outcomes than i actually do.

there are a lot of offshoot topics from this conclusion, but the one i would like to focus on for now is the aftermath of something happening. for the sake of clarity, let's assume something unfavorable has happened. normally, i would go over (and over and over and over) in my head every single thing i did leading up to the thing happening, and try to figure out what i should have done differently, and what i should have realized at the time. i do it with the pretense of avoiding similar problems in the future, but i think subconsciously i'm trying to gain a sense of peace or closure by regaining a sense of control over my own life. and this is generally the wrong approach (at least for me, with the natural tendencies i have). why?

because it literally does not freaking matter at all what the situation is. (that's even assuming my perception of the situation is 100% accurate, which is highly unlikely.) it does not matter if my unpleasant reactions are justified or not. it does not matter if someone else is to blame. at this point, it doesn't even matter that much what caused the situation, unless something very obvious should not be repeated. it is in the past, and i do not have any control over the situation anymore. i can't go through life expecting the universe to baby me and cater to my natural skills and my biased sense of justice. my own internal journey is certainly shaped by my experiences, but it is not anyone's responsibility but mine.

so what do i do?

focus on changing what i can. present reality, not assumptions, myself, not others, internal, not external. there are a lot of events i cannot control, but i can learn to control my own reactions. for example: this is what i'm feeling right now. it is not reliant on the actions of other people or the variables in my circumstances. it may be healthy, or it may not be, but it is my internal reality, and i have to come to terms with that first. and then, how do i grow from this place?

that, detective, is the right question.

why do you dread teaching?

- i consistently do not do well with early mornings.

- i would prefer not to bring my work home with me.

- it's exhausting to have a job that is important and formative for other people.

- it's exhausting to have a job that requires the constant interaction with other people.

- it's exhausting to have a job that requires constantly coming up with new and creative ways to reach people.

- i don't know if i want a job that is traditionally done by enforcing perfectionistic tendencies on other people.

- students can be real butts.

- evenings and weekends largely don't exist, or even if they do, i will likely be too tired to enjoy them.

- parents can be even bigger butts.

- lots of administration doesn't support the arts or those who teach them.

- so. many. freaking. emails.

- just. classroom management.

- having to score study and practice conducting at home.

- lots of people in the music community are just so petty.

just a persistent thought

 i don't think i have ever stopped missing someone once they've gone.

a journey of suckitude

reckoning with your own insufficiencies is sort of like going through stages of grief. just think about it:

"you suck"---oh no! it's true! what ever am i going to do about it? my heart is broken.

"you suck"---that really hurts. and i wish you'd stop saying it.

"you suck"---oh yeah? well i have a thousand reasons why, and maybe if you didn't act the way you did, i would have an easier time not sucking.

"you suck"---who are you to criticize me anyway? you don't know me or what i'm dealing with.

"you suck"---again?

"you suck"---yeah, yeah, probably. what else is new? tell me something i don't know.

(it's worth noting that "you suck" is almost always my imagination of what other people think, not necessarily what they actually express.)

it's almost like i have to accept my insufficiencies and let go of the pressure to be perfect before i can actually grow past them.