is there a greater shame than seeing your goodness and still not wanting you?
what lie do i have to be buying into to think this way?
is my distress because my entire being truly yearns for you, or it it because i have always been instilled with the guilt of that desire not being there?
all i can do is trust in your power to save me from myself, and your mercy to forgive me my idolatry. until my heart can come to you, hopefully forced actions can be enough of a living sacrifice.
i don't feel worthy or even rightly positioned to call you "Abba"--it seems empty coming from me right now. but you have declared me "child," for better or for worse.
honestly, it feels like i'm faking Christianity, just deceiving everyone around me into thinking i'm better than i am. but it's just imposter syndrome. by seeking you even when i don't feel like it, i'm confirming my commitment and true love in a way enamorment never could.
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