my dearest Elisa,
here is a reply to your letter. you’ll probably be unsurprised to learn that i never got it. but, i remember much of the gist of it (i think).
i think you would probably be pleased with who i am now, even if i’m not exactly what you expected. i have a lot more questions than answers, as usual. the world seems less black and white now, with more nuances and complexities, but i’m mostly okay with that. but i’ve also grown in a lot of other ways. college is a humbling experience, and can even be kind of a scarring one. but on the other side of it, i’d say i’m probably healthier and more motivated than ever before. and i think possibly i’ve chilled out a little bit too, which is definitely a step in the right direction for me. i still feel things deeply, but perhaps not quite as turbulently or as often. and of course, i’m still deeply committed to Jesus, though maybe our dynamic now is slightly different than it used to be, which tends to happen as relationships age. the more i grow, the more i realize my insufficiencies and how much i need God. and so his grace increases. right now i’m working on discipline in a lot of areas, which as you know, i’ve desperately needed for a long time. but now it’s a more realistic expectation.
perhaps hearing this won’t mean much to you right now, but i mean it genuinely. i’m proud of you. of both your heart and your mind. the things you’re learning are formative and important—so much so that i still sometimes go back and learn from them. who you are has built a solid foundation for who i am now, and i’m grateful to you for building it so carefully and thoughtfully.
not that it’s perfect, of course—no one is. this is something you know well already, and it’s a concept you’ll only come to see more as you go on. but even in the areas where your understanding or experience or ability fall short, it’s not simply failure, but a place from which to grow. as a perfectionist, this is hard to accept, and harder to face. but it’s important to learn, and it will become a much healthier and more sustainable fuel source for everything you do.
there’s another thing, and this is the most important and urgent thing i have to say to you. you’ve been lonely for a long time. but it doesn’t last forever. it really does get better. the things you know about God providing, or about him fulfilling the desires he has created in you is absolutely true, so don’t forget it. it has been so worth the wait. i mentioned before that college has the potential to be kind of scarring. in some ways it’s kind of the worst because the stress, pressure, and criticism (constructive and otherwise) will be at unprecedented levels for you. but at the same time, it’s the absolute best because of the people you get to meet, befriend, and live with. you will learn so much from them—how to be a better friend, how to be a better disciple, how to love yourself better, who you are and can be, how to enjoy life more, how to understand people better . . . the list truly goes on and on. trust can indeed be a tricky thing. and you’ll have to get rid of a lot of assumptions you’ve held about people. but these are necessary and totally worthwhile ways to grow. the people you meet will show you how surprisingly awesome it can be to have friends who are very different from you—a lesson better learned late(?) than never. stick it out love, because the light at the end is not far off.
may God’s grace and peace be yours in great abundance! (wait, is that too self-serving to say? whatever, you’re gonna need it.)
sincerely,
me
p.s.: not all “adult” jobs have the luxury of being left at work when you clock out for the day. but for the ones that do, you were totally right. i can’t even describe the relief of getting home and you don’t have a thousand things you have to get done before you’re allowed to settle in. it’s unreal. so you also have that to look forward to.
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