outcry

it kind of seems like i've become deeply, desperately, secretly afraid of abandonment. which, given my aforementioned fear of loneliness and certain events of the past couple of years, makes sense. sometimes it's difficult not to believe that sooner or later, everyone i care about will leave me.

and then i wrestle with certain parts of my personality. like, maybe i'm not fun enough, or maybe i don't stand out enough, or i take life too seriously, or expect too much of people, or am too high maintenance, or don't communicate enough, or am not interesting enough, and like, that's why someone would leave? like some weak, lukewarm tea that someone started drinking and then forgot about.

and also, maybe the reason that i gravitate so much toward shows and podcasts and get so invested in the characters/hosts is because they sort of act as a substitute for real life relationships, but they require less investment, and they won't leave if i disappoint them, and are accessible at any time.

and so when you say "I will never leave or forsake you," sometimes i struggle against it. not that i want to disbelieve it, but like. what if i'm just imagining someone who truly knows me, who will never leave? if that happened, i don't know if i could handle it. lately, sometimes it's hard to differentiate what is true from what isn't. what if this were just another instance of me believing something primarily because it's convenient for me (i mean, not that it is, broadly, which is worth noting)? why doesn't your presence help me feel less alone or sad, or more energized or motivated or certain?

on the other hand, what if my cynicism is the thing that keeps me from feeling the full effects of what is really there? i want to let you in. maybe it's just fear that keeps you at arms' length.