d-day

worry not.  that's "d" for "direction" and for "decision".  :)

and here it is:  i'm deciding not to conform to the path that i always assumed was mine.  i'm deciding to give up what is probably more respected for what i think is more likely the right choice (for me anyway).  i'm deciding not to over-stress myself if possible.

aside from just not wanting to spend the next however-long of my life just stressing out, and aside from wanting to have more balance, and aside from wanting some guilt-free spare time, there's more.  i realized/decided that i'm tired of limbo, of halfpathy  (like that?  ;D  it's when i know i actually care about something but i can't afford the energy to care about it), and of preparation.  let me explain: it seems like all during elementary school, and middle school, and high school, the main focus is just preparing you for the next grade.  or for college.  seriously, isn't that what they've always told you?  and then, i've heard several stories where a person gets to college and it's just totally eye-opening to their faith as well as their independence.  but it's still preparation.  and then you finally get to "live your life" after college.

well, that's all great.  and i love stories of people going off and discovering their own faith.  but i'm tired of waiting to grow.  i'm sure that my environment has worlds to do with it, but that doesn't seem like a good enough reason for me to be spiritually stagnant now.  this is still the real world, whether or not it seems so from my point of view.  so why should i live like it's only a phase to get through?  i want to actually live life, like it's real.  not that i haven't been, but it's been mostly from a scholarly perspective, since that's what i'm supposed to be doing full time.  but i can't do justice to the most important things in life (relationships especially, i think) if i'm already fully booked.

i'm still going to try to stretch myself without stressing myself.  but i think this is better.