wow... i think this weird schedule is getting to me. ahh... music, both new and old, and old-new, is one of my favoriteest things. :)
anyway. guest blogger: elmadu!!!
ok. on with it.
quick(ish) background: i realized the other day as i was thinking about these questions is that the reason i am so cautious and distrustful when it comes to relationships and even well-intending people is not because i am introverted or shy, but because i have been disappointed too many times. once upon a time, i would make friends just by asking, and anyone who wanted in on my friendship circle was welcome. but moving (actually, probably just getting older) sent me into a different world. even as early as second grade, i would make friendships only to be left out of them or to be subconsciously dubbed not cool/popular/[fill in the blank] enough for them. sometime between seventh and ninth grade, i came to the subconscious realization (even more than i already had) how incredibly stupid this was. i stopped automatically accepting as a good friend anyone who showed interest, and started hardening [more of] a defense, learning to recognize situations that would later leave me high and dry. better to invest little and lose little, right? to choose loneliness rather than have it thrust upon me later. which i think is often a good call of discernment, to be a little picky and choosy. the thing is, even before my "shield" was as developed as it is now, i found that it left me lonely more often than i was ok with. which also makes sense, since humans are designed to interact with one another. even now, i have few whom i would actually consider close friends, and even fewer whom i would rank more than a detached closeness. it's like the difference between liking someone a lot (as a friend :) and being able to trust them to be a good friend back to you. BUT!!! the upside to this system (as i have more recently realized) is that when i find truly quality friendships, they are some of the most excitingly satisfying experiences that i have yet encountered.
what is essential in a person for them to build a good relationship with you?
- understanding. the person has to be able (or at least willing to try) to understand my views and interests, and why i make the decisions that i do. not that i would condemn them for not understanding or anything; i am more complex than i sometimes seem. but the effort has to be there.
- realness. obviously anyone with false intentions would fall out of this category, but also anyone putting up an overly-polite, overly-charismatic, or overly-eager-to-please shield. who am i actually befriending? i have to know you in order to be close to you.
- acceptance. i can't constantly be afraid to make a fool of myself. it happens a lot.
- value. the person has to truly enjoy me for who i am, not for any mask or show i put on. also, i don't want to have to worry about being left out or forgotten very often.
- mutual effort. i was also going to add "commitment of some degree" as another separate bullet, but i think that actually falls under this. example: the phone rings at both ends, yo.
- listening and opening up. the relationship can't be all about one person or the other. i want to be able to tell you something (or even ask you something) and know that you are listening. but i also want to hear what you have to say, especially if it is relevant, or especially especially if you really need to tell someone.
- balanced humor and seriousness. few things bother me more than the inability to take anything seriously. we have to be able to hold meaningful and intelligent conversation. at the same time though, the person has to be able to enjoy life, to lighten up at the right times.
what do you value most in your current close friends?
i admit, in some cases i have been extremely spoiled with friends that were/are more than i ever could have expected or asked for. for this, i will include all of my friends, with the qualities they have. some of the things i appreciate the most in my current friendships are...
- everything above. even without anything else, all that stuff is the kind of thing [are the kinds of things?] that give[s] me more excitement and thought about friendships even outside of them.
- musical similarity. since i am greatly affected by music, having other friends who also are helps me to better understand and connect with them, and vice versa.
- putting me out of my comfort zone. weird, but true. not all the time, but i find i appreciate the occasional extra force to do something, for my own good or for the good of others, that i would normally opt against.
- superiority. not the arrogant kind, but the experiential kind. some of my friendships have actually been situated in such a way that i can constantly learn from those around me!
- certain kinds of irresponsibility/shortcoming. hmm... this can get a tad confusing and undefined, but one example for me would be procrastination. in some cases, a friend has stayed up until 3 or 4 in the morning with me (over email chat) as we finished the same project. or, similarly, if we both did really badly on a test or something, or (more seriously) if we find that we both struggle with something. it's the support factor.
- similar goals/values/interests. this is pretty self-explanatory, but it always helps with understanding one another.
- mentorship. kind of similar to the superiority one, but this is more specific to wisdom, especially of the spiritual kind.
- good sense of humor. some of my favorite times with friends have been when we could just laugh over stuff, whether legitimately funny, or corny funny, or just late-night stupid funny.
- comfortability. i actually don't mind some fun at my expense (sometimes i kind of enjoy it... shhh...) as long as there is no hidden meaning and it isn't carried too far (which honestly, would be kind of far if it was someone whom i trusted). it's like this: if i were to put into words the thoughts that the person was thinking subconsciously (in my understanding), they would say something like, "i know it's ok to poke fun at you because i know that you know that i am totally joking and that i value you."
over the past couple of years, and especially this past year, my best friends (not necessarily my "closest," though in a way they are, but those who are best for me) have been unconsciously teaching me how to be a good friend, just by their example. the hard part for me is learning how to follow that, and to be that impactful in others' lives, which i hope will start to come more naturally as my relationship with God deepens and my priorities fall more and more into place.
[guest posted on moon-bathing 2/11/13]
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