perfectionitis or senioritis?

"people who always strive for perfection don't understand how anyone else can do otherwise."
-yours truly


at this moment I am fluctuating about the wisdom of this concept, so we'll see how it goes.

"you can't always be perfect, and a lot of the time, things don't really matter as much as you think they do.  put it in perspective."

yes.  i know this.  here's what i have to say:

before i started getting all crazy stressed out about stuff (school, mostly), i would always strive for perfection, or at least my best.  last year-ish, i started to realize that i have limits on things like time, energy, ability to always work on little sleep, strength of will, etc.  so this past year (of school), i have been trying to mend that by doing things more in order of importance to me personally, and by getting more sleep (a bit) and rest.

this is good.

all in all, i haven't changed all that much, but in some ways--drastically.  sleep and rest have both risen several places on my must-do list.  so has social life, especially since i have learned more ways that is ties into--no, is necessary for--my faith.  which i put first in my mind, though i fail often to put it into action.  why is homework such a high priority when so many other things are more important?  there can only be one top of the list.  consequently, down it went.

my grades have shown it, too.  not that they're bad.  just...lower than before.  as i write this, i feel foolish for caring so much about something that probably doesn't matter all that much in reality.  yet, i know i could've done better, and that eats at me.

also, i sort of think that the biggest thing that has changed is my work ethic.  while the other things have gone up a little, mostly i look back and wonder where all of my time has been squandered.  and why have i had sooo much less energy?  (that one i still haven't figured out--could be more emotional energy going out, or maybe recovering from poor resting habits of last year... not sure)  i know i'm much less stressed, and probably more healthy.  but i think i may have left my old goals only to fail at the new.

this is bad.

and it's at least part of why i have been (occasionally) feeling out of sorts.  i can't do this anymore.  it feels shameful, even if it is a learning experience.  i can't go on giving less than a full to anything i do, even things i may never use again, because i still feel wholly disappointed when i fail.

so: back to my original plan for this.  to stay motivated, but not blow things out of perspective.  growth is discouraging.  at least for me.  because i don't grow quickly, so it's easy to mistake it for failure, when really, it's just a journey to a goal that isn't finished yet.  so i guess i can be encouraged now that i know that.